Rainbow Dash had a great life, but eventually she finds herself at her limits. As she stands of the lonely edge of a cliff, she looks back to everything that brought her to this point, the good that led to the bad, and the bad that led to the worse. Between a party for a gift she never got to keep, the tears shed for the life that never was, the betrayl froom the one she held closet, the tower in the sky where she locked herself away from the world, and the mask she wore when she was taken from her self-imposed exile... All of it led to her choice to jump, her choice to end the pain she felt. Can anypony save her, is there nopony left who can fix the damage in her soul?
Chapters (4)
So much win.
Did you pair AJ up twice?
768763
Yes IT did.
I seriously want some author to completely give us a plot twist in a story like this. You should definitely have the next chapter:
And then she jumped and died.
The End.
"...when I have the time and caffeine."
XD Gotta remember that one. This story is really nice, and now I feel obliged to read your other fanfics too
Aw god, this is pretty sad. I think you could have been slightly more poetic in describing Rainbow's depression, but the party flashback was very well done and insanely detailed. Lots of hard work into this, you put. Heh heh. Yoda.
Anyways, I think if this is your first attempt at sad, it is quite good, especially for a first chapter. Besides that, the whole story from the part where they said Rainbow was pregnant I was like, "No. No. Oh gawd, what if the baby died? What if Soarin' left? Oh gawd." And then you did it. You dropped that whole bomb and got me all
I think this is developing very well. If you keep up on it, you'll see a lot more supporters!
768824 the pain from the stones piercing her body was excruciating but was nothing compared to her emotional pain.
Amazing story, please continue!
Well, I'm not usually one to get depressed over Fanfics, but this one and My Little Dashie are a few that are excused from that fact.
Great work. Very detailed, very well written. Also, the emotions you conjure up are like those of that are in the actual show.
I seriously hope you finish this soon, because I don't believe I can wait much longer for another chapter.
-Storm
Other than AJ being paired up with two ponies, unless that was intentional, wonderful start.
Now, make more before we sick Fluttershy on you.
... Rarity and Applejack and Topsoil. Woot. THis is great, and well thought out-I'm excited for mre.
Ugh what the fluff she better not jump
Brony... that was deep...
Some sentences are awkward, you seem to 'tell' rather than show at certain points which DOES detract from the story, dialogue tags aren't done properly... all in all, mediocre story. Better than what 60% of this site can muster up, but I won't be following it. Learn from your mistakes and improve!
Best of luck,
Carmine.
I'd like to start off by saying that the revelation at the end was extremely well done. Even though something to that effect was telegraphed from very early on, it was still very emotionally impacting and the manner in which you presented it was excellently done. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the way you handled the sections of Rainbow on the cliff was very well done. Both provided a basis for Rainbow's mindset and both added to her conflict and her character.
That being said, the party flashback felt like I was simply being hit with a frying pan of exposition with every sentence with little to no set up for much of the barrage of, at times, shocking information being thrown at the reader. While I think Carmine might have been a bit harsh, there's something to be said for the showing vs telling. The exposition at times seems to be done for its own sake without anything to back it up, and actions that seem only tangentially related to what's being said at the time. It kind of makes the dialogue very blunt and forced and makes Rainbow's inner monologue and flashbacks very stilted and full of "Here's information you need to know".
Honestly there are flashes of brilliance here, and overall its fairly well done. The flashbacks within the flashback creates a very odd sense of what's actually happening at the party, which if you were to remove Rainbow's inner flashbacks is very little. I think that this could have benefited at lot from simply having more description of the party and the interactions of the people at the party. Having two characters show information or discover information instead of it being narrated will tend to operate a lot smoother and there's actually very little interaction to work from here. The vast majority of the party we spend inside Rainbow's head. Which at times is useful and at other times is simply talking at the reader.
I think the concept is interesting and, again, in the scenes where Rainbow is literally on her own (which you even spent letting her discover the memories and events, as with the party dragging the sadder memories back to her) the writing is very well done. You may disagree with any of my opinions as they are simply my opinions, but I do think there's some validity to it and I hope you'll at least consider it and think on these things, even if you do choose to disregard them in the end.
Good luck to you.
-Duskrider
This was really good so far; keep up the good work!
768763 AJ's no one trick pony
768824 He?
I hope that's a typo..
768912 Aw, thanks, I wasn't sure if I got the sadness of it up to a proper
level or not
768993 Since you asked nicely
769091 Wow, you have no idea how much you just brightened my mood by comparing this to something like MLD I'm literally torn between
and 
Like happy crying or something.
769096 I actually didn't see it till I had posted it for submission, but due to a lack of caffeine at the time, I decided to let it slide. Not to worry, I have a plan for AJ. And please don't sick 'Shy on me
769258 Pleading the 5th
769537 Thank you very much
769578 Awwwwwww, you killed my happiness!
I'm kidding, I greatly, greatly appreciate it. I do hope you'll give me another chance though, I was a bit distracted by the not so soothing sounds of cows when I wrote this, don't ask, but now I am back at my peaceful city home and have the proper tools to write my next chapter. Dialogue tags? Sleep deprivation induced stupidity at work
770302 You know, it's people like you that make me...
, and I don't think Carmine was harsh, he was just telling me what he thought, as did you, for which I'm am extremely grateful. While I hate you for making me read a huuuuuuuuuuuuge post, I love you for you tips and advice. I never disregard any comments, unless their completely ridiculous or obviously biased or hateful. I really appreciate the helpful criticism that you and Carmine provided, I will take both of your offerings of sound advice to heart and try my best to improve the quality of my work.
Want to improve myself as much as possible
770810 Thank you, I will do all within in my power to make you cry!
That might have come out wrong..
771656 I was thinking of writing a Fic like this not too long ago, about the Mane 6.
Not sure if i should continue it now, since I have the motivation from this story, or if I should drop it since this fic popped up.
Decisions, decisions!
Well, if I'm going to, I might as well ask for your permission, to make a counter part to this. May I?
-Storm
771705 Not my call, but if it makes you feel better, go ahead!
But I can has a credits?
771729 Personally, I prefer to get permission from authors of fics I try to write counterparts to.
I'll definitely give you credit. It would be rude if i didn't, wouldn't it?
Anyways, I'll keep you posted about it, right after I finish the grueling Fallout: Equestria project I'm working on now. A whole lot of Caffeine and Rockstars went into that book, and I intend to finish it. But directly Afterwards, I'll start on the counterpart.
Also, thanks!
-Storm
771768 Caffeine, thank Celestia for that beautiful invention
771818 Eeyup. With out that invention, I would be lost.
Anyway, Time for this Brony to hit the Hay (Oh the Puns)
Sadly, I am without my coffee maker at this moment, so writing will have to wait.
Good night Everypony!
-Storm
My baby died so I'm gonna kill myself... What? I understand it's bad. Not suicide bad, though. A like for your efforts.
771656 I suppose if you don't think it was harsh than all the more good for you. I know I would have been insulted and incensed, so I am impressed you are not.
As for me, I am confused as to why I make you
. There was never any intention of making you angry, in fact I really fail to see what it is that would make you angry in the first place. For whatever it is I apologize, though please let me know what it is.
'Til then.
-Duskrider
771656
Sorry, fixed it for you.
771656 Puuurfect!
772018 It ain't done yet..
772708 The
was a joke, I just forgot to put a 
in the next sentence, I'm not mad at all, people like you and carmine just make me want to do better.
772833 Psh, I didn't really care
773093
Thank you?
772018 I disagree....you lose everything you ever loved and have....yes. she should jump, after all, if you lost your mate and friends and even more so your heart and soul then you have nothing else to live for.
As for the story, I LOVE how Rainbow Dash has to deal with depression, it's one of my favorites.....maybe you should have Death speak to her as well...I'll be tracking this and hoping to get an amazaing read...hope she jumps and does not bail out with her wings at the last second.
773805 Earnestly I'd like nothing more than for you to succeed and be your best. And seeing the Pinkie icon does let that statement make a lot more sense.
I'm glad that you found my critiques helpful, and I can only hope that they help you grow. I'll certainly be checking back on this, because its an interesting premise (and if you'd prefer me not to publicly comment, just let me know and I'll just message them).
'Til the next, to Esperance.
-Duskrider
then why cant rainbow dash just try to have another foal?
Hahaha, yay! Im so excited for the next part, hope it will be just as good!
773805
That's not...I.....arghhhhhhh...
.....just...
..... nevermind...
774040 Death... speak to her?
774278 Meh, I don't care where you leave your comments
774769 Oh yes, my baby's dead. Well I can just make another, no emotional turmoil here, just baby making.
774844 Truth be told, so do I
774871
777743 Yes......Death would come to her in a physical form (in this case maybe a pony, does not matter which) his/her horn (if sh/he has one) shaped like a scythe and consumed by a black robe, Death would then tempt me as to why all these events in her life is leading to her death and will promised her in a emotionless tone that he will take her soul to the afterlife....we always see death when we die, Rainbow shouldbe no different.
778442
We always see death when we die? How much experience do you have in this? I would figure that you only get to find that out once and it kinda precludes telling anyone else about it.
778626 I was near death when I met the grim reaper (no joke) he told me that everything in life comes at a price and that he would come back for my soul at another time.....therefore all creatures who beathe life will one day have to face death weather they wish to or not, it has nothing to do with religion but the fact that Rainbow should have to face up to her own sins.
778704
I did figure that you would be going there in that, and obviously each near death experience is different and what you take away from it, nobody could argue. But I would say this, there's nothing saying we all meet death, some say they see a bright light, others see their own life, other's hear a soothing voice, me personally I just myself on the ground and then woke up in the hospital. Nothing saying that we all see death, take from your experience what you will.
778704
779040
The last time I was in a near death experience, I just saw myself, an older, more tired looking me, but still myself. I guess hearing all that stuff from myself made more sense that a creep in a robe or a bright light or something like that.
779040 True but either way you face something that is uncertain and not very normal.....wather it be an older version of yourself, or death itself, you still see an uncertain furture...and that scares you more then you will ever let on to others.781156 Don't tell me you can deny fear?
781304
It doesn't necessarily scare, not everyone is so afraid of the unknown nor of death. Assumptions, assumptions are rarely universal. Of course we see things through our own filters, but rarely do these hold true to everyone. Between various cultures, outlooks, and whatnot, these things do not apply universally.
781349 You make a valid point but you can't tell me you would not be scared shitless seeing a skelton (spelled that wrong) wearing a black robe and holding a brown wooden, sliver bladed scythe in its right hand now would you? (Or would it be hoof, paw, talon ect for the animals in this case?)
781349
781364
Funny, I thought he/she/it would have obsidian handle, not wood. Maybe that's just me, and I don't deny fear, I have fears, some may be irrational, but they are there. I just don't let it rule my life.
781411 Hmm......you know, you could be right. I was to busy knowing that MY SOUL was going to be sent to the afterlife to care and be judged for my sins...but that's another story for another time.
And I have to agree with you on that, allowing it to rule your life would harm no one but yourself, ya heard me? Anyway, I was just giving you a suggestion, but I really enjoyed the talk gentlecolts/mares.
And my previous concern is handled...
...Only to make me spill non-manly tears at pony heaven.
While I find some tissues, be a pal and continue, please?
795611 I am a mare of honor, I will accept your request and do my best to make you cry.
Mother of Celestia. I'm crying unmanly tears.
I seriously hope that this makes featured, because it deserves it. This is definitely comparable to MLD, if not better. It has touched my heart so, and I don't think I'll be ever able to look at Rainbow Dash the same again.
This is one of the best stories I've read, and I mean that. Better then Rick Riordan, better then Stephen King. This is hands down in the top ten of my favorite books.
Thank you, for writing this story.
-Storm
795734 W-wow... I'm actually shocked, you think this should be featured?
I don't think it'll be featured, I'm not really a big shot with a ton of followers or something in my opinion
But gosh, I'm really touched you'd say those things
Man such a good book, I agree with it being featured, it's such a great story, even if I nearly cried... The ending of the chapter though, I feel like Soarin wouldn't be the kind of pony to cheat on another. Cant wait for the next chapter, this was was amazing as it is!
Damn.....betrayal.....that something that shatters the hearts of all friends, family, and love ones........buck, tihs is getting darker and darker.....very good, young mare, I will await for more and to see the sins of Rainbow Dash herself.....poor foal.
797090
Er... Thanks? 
holy celestia!!
798334 Not a problem, you have to understnad I'm a very, VERY dark hearted person so while others may whine, cry and hide in a corner because of dark-hearted stories like this, I thrive on it, allowing it to give me dark, cruel and harsh ideas for my own stories...mind you, not all my stories are dark-hearted though. Sometimes I write happy endings....even though I very much despise them, but it depands on what type and who the person (or animal) is....keep writing this, you doing very, very well and if I could find out how to 'watch' you on this site then I would for I'm very impressed by your abitity to enter into darker thoughts, not many humamsn can do such.