- Member Since 16th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen 8 hours ago
Hawker Hurricane
Yorkshireman and tea drinker.
Hawker Hurricane
Joined 16th Jan, 2015 ·
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Interesting, fave
I like it, especially with the fact that Celestia has a extreme hate for humans, enough to tear through her 'princess mask'. Cant wait for more.
Interesting prospect. Let's see how Gordon will interact with the other girls.
I like it! I want another, but first there is a few problems with spelling and one is in the first paragraph. Would tell you the rest but I am in a hurry. Again, I like it so far.
I think you meant 'Gordon'. So far, this story is decent enough. I tend not to like Xenolestia stories, but I'll give this a shot.
7045877 I'll change them. They're characters from my other stories.
Lets see where this goes
is a good start regardless a few grammar errors, I am curious about how it evolves
A song for him to play to Celestia
YAY!
Oh I think this is going to interesting... I can see a lot of bad things happening to this here human, he has a long way to go before he can prove that he is not a monster as the ponies believe....
This will be interesting to read. I look forward for more.
cdn.meme.am/instances/58666482.jpg
Can I PM you a suggestion for this story?
7049514 Sure.
Okay, this might prove interesting. Enough so to get onto my tracking list. But it's got some issues...
A big one is the way you switch between present and past tense. Stick to one or the other please. No mixing and matching!
Secondly, Gordon is, thus far, kind of a bland punching bag with little personality. His reaction to finding himself confronting aliens in his house is... Wondering how they know he's a human? Seriously?
Okay, he's known these people for, what, all of fifteen minutes? And his big concern is not getting them into trouble? Seriously? Let's count the crimes committed thus far by ponies against poor, bland Gordon. We've got Trespassing, Breaking and Entering (A felony), Assault and Battery (another felony), kidnapping (a federal felony) and another case of assault... while he's strapped down to a hospital bed no less. Oh, and threats of lifelong imprisonment, though I'm not quite sure what statute that would fall under...
Now, I'm not saying that there aren't extenuating circumstances, or that Celestia should be charged with Assault... I'm saying this to point out that poor, bland Gordon has been torn from his home, confronted with an alien species, assaulted, kidnapped, strapped down to a bed, threatened, snubbed, freed, fled from, and finally returned to him domicile... And his response to all of this madness is to...
Offer some of the locals tea. And caramel crispies.
Yeeeahhh... I'm going to chalk that up to shock, and hope that future chapters will have Gordon responding to his new situation a tad bit more like a real human being.
It's an interesting idea, and I hope it proves interesting in future chapters.
And now I have some plans for Reformation. Excuse me while I go type now.
Quick, scattered typing
Not even cake would lift her mood now.
but cake...
BitchDont Deserve cake !BitchNO!!!I like this so far. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Peaked my interests.
Very Interesting, will follow.
Definately looking forward to more, Just hoping for a bit more character development for the main character. I can buy his reactions toward the end being a result of shock, but once that wears off no one would be that laid back about whats been done and how he's being treated.
Nice chapter. It's nice to see Gordon slowly befriending others.
The most difficult path often has the best rewards I suppose
i like how he isn't a naive idiot who forgives inexcusable things right away like many other fics and holds a justifiable grudge
It's nice to see that Celestia and the girls start to open up a little toward Gordon. That, along with some of the other ponies in Ponyville. Great chapter! Looking forward for more to come.
Love how it's realistic in that he holds a justifiable grudge and wariness toward those that assaulted him. Not that it can't be overcome in time, also making for juicy, story fuel drama, but it also makes him far more 'human'. I've always found it interesting how the truely most dangerous type of creature is always the 'prey' species. A predator might threaten more often, but rarely actually attacks something new, they tend to want to know what it IS before deciding what to do, unless it feels its young is in danger or you startle it, which usually results in a swipe or two mostly as a way to say 'back off.' Prey species however, are the far more dangerous and violent. They immediately view anything new or unusual as a threat and either flee, or try to kill it. For example in Africa, a placed filled with super predators, the most kills every year come from Hippo's. Prey's first reaction isn't curiousity about something new, it either stays far away out of fear, or tries to destroy whatever it is.
With that in mind, it makes me wonder how a fic would go about a human showing up in the Gryphon kingdom. As a predatory species, they would be a bit defensive yes, but no doubt more curious and understanding of a new predatory species like humans. More instinctive understanding of how a human would think and behave since both are predators.
Someone turned their up-vote into a down-vote.
I think you forgot a word here.
7068482 If you write it I will read it!
I like how he said, "Is this you saying this or are you just following your Princesses lead?" That was an awesome comeback. I like how he still holds an anger towards the ones that did him wrong, it's very realistic and I like that about this chapter. A character that can hold a grudge but also find forgiveness over time is a good character to read about. I hope for many more good chapters to come!
I've never seen so many plugs for a fan fic!
7068729 I deliberately left the word out deliberately to see if anyone would notice. You did. Luna would be proud.
I'm not sure Gordan should be so quick to forgive Celestia ... Cuz I sure as hell don't believe her 2bit apology ... Leads me to believe she was just doing it to save face in front of her subjects ... Considering she most likely will be keeping a close eye on him from the shadows ...
Speaking of shadows ... Where is Discord ?
Who's Connor?
Was I the only one that expected Discord to show up at this point?
*Looks at Author's Note*
Self-promotion much?
I look forward to see Gordon's day at Sweet Apple Acres.
7068730 I really wish I could, but I can't write to save my soul. I've tried in the past and it was terrible. I'm good with ideas, but apparently the route from brain to fingers is broken in me. :(
7069736 I can somewhat relate to this....
7069736 Try anyway darn you! I wish to read your soul!
Also, Practice makes better... Not always perfect but better....
7069350
I'm going to put them every five chapters in each story now instead of every chapter.
Sorry I didn't comment before now. The first time I read the chapter I think I sped through it a bit so I decided to come back later. Now that I've read it a second time I think it's a bit better than I previously thought. Some things I think need to be improved are some of the ponies' reactions to things happening, I think some of them need to be tweaked a little bit. I think there should also be a bit more details in a few areas, a few spell checks and I also felt like maybe a little too much happened in this chapter too soon. But that could also simply be the result of it being a Pinkie Pie party. I do like the chapter a lot some of the interactions interested me like I didn't see Rainbow Dash hugging Gordon anytime soon, I think I liked that. Good chapter.
I like the revisions made to this chapta
It's moar deep .... Like my pizza
this is really good, he kind of forgave them a little to easily but hey that's just me. probably for the best ya know but still i'm loving it so far and keep up the good work
A really good story with a nice plot. I'm hoping new chapters will be up soon, so I'll be able to enjoy it more. And you should not rush dialogues, because they're going a bit too fast.
I'm out. Piece!
7125973 Thanks for the fave and feedback. The next chapter shouldn't be too long but things keep coming up that require my attention.
Okay, I really want to say it's a good story, and I only read the first chapter, but to me it was painful while still keeping me engaged enough to fight through...
It IS written rather decently, do not think that it isn't because of my preferences or following comment(s).
I found it painful to read because of the rather overt use of the present tense throughout the chapter I've read insofar. Its more a nitpick on my part really, it's just a way of writing I seldom encounter, and as such I find it feels wrong while reading it in such. Also you switched between the primarily present tense and the past tense as well, another minor note that interrupted the flow.
My second big issue is the relative pacing, while it IS just the first chapter, the pacing went 3, to 10, then back to 3, and up to 7. All in the space of a couple thousand words. Something to look into at least.
So far I do like the premise though. I will read the next chapter when I am able.
Over all, despite being a little on the cliche side, this has potential. However, it needs a lot of work. For one, a lot of it reads like stereo instructions. Have you heard the phrase "show, don't tell"? It means don't just list off a bunch of facts, but introduce them through context. Take this example;
Tell; "Joe made a Screwdriver"
Show; "Twilight watched curiously as Joe poured a measure of something that looked like water from a bottle labeled 'Smirnoff' into a cup, followed by an equal amount of orange juice and stirred."
Which is more interesting to read? Also, some things could be spread out. The house didn't need to be described all at once. Just say it was his three story dream house, and bring up details as they come up in the story.
The second issue is perspective. Even in third person, it's best to keep the perspective of one character or group of characters. For example, when Celestia first met Gordon, the perspective was following her. This means it would be best to write according to what she knows. She doesn't know Gordon's name, so it is best not mentioning it until he tells her. Likewise, when following his perspective, write according to what he knows.
Third, some of the dialogue is rather stiff and mechanical. Try reading the dialogue out loud in character. That can help you know if it sounds natural. Also, the interactions can be very disjointed and odd. This is another reason to read out the dialogue.
Fourth, the pacing is all over the place. It's like a literary roller-coaster, and not in a good way. Admittedly, this is one of the hardest aspects of writing. Almost every writer has or has had problems with pacing. It's just one of those things you need practice with.
Fifth, Celestia is borderline OOC. While it could be explained by what humans did in the past, it can only just be passable if approached right.
Finally, grammar. My grammar isn't the best, so I won't go into detail, but he worst is the tense changes. You constantly switch from past to present tense and it can be distracting.
I'll track for now, but I'm hoping to see some improvement.
P.S. Considering what humans have done in the past, Luna is honestly foolish to just let him go. It would make more sense for her to confine him to his home unless escorted by royal guard. This would serve not only to ensure he didn't do anything wrong, but to protect him from harm by others who believe him to be evil.
P.P.S. Gordon Gresley? I see you went to the Marvel School of Naming People
.
P.P.P.S. Maybe it's a European thing, but what the hell is a snooker table?
7186312 Thanks for the feedback. I'll look over the first chapter and see if I can iron a few things out.
7186312 Pool or Billiards
This story is AWESOME~
P.S. Loss hours of my life reading the comments... Damn bros. Chill out with all the words. Well, can't wait to see what the future have in store for him muhaahahah.
P.S.S. *Eats a pancake*
7189242 Thanks! Glad you like it.