- Member Since 9th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 27th, 2023
Doukzor
do I exist? Do you exist? Maybe neither of us exist, but instead simply are. crackers.
Doukzor
Joined 9th Feb, 2015 ·
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Good story. worth it to view which direction it will take.
6158199 Thanks! I`m making sure to post a new chapter daily when possible~
Typos are too many... and the story is kinda confusing. How did the hotel collapse? Wasn't the hotel in Canterlot? Aren't they supposed to be sturdier or something? And I really don't get the Color Craze thing.
You kinda need an editor.
6159832 I know... I would have went through the details a lot more, but through the journal entries, I have to keep real life like. My pony isn`t going to explain something she doesn`t understand, so she just writes out what happens. In a first person non journal entry view, yes, I would do a better understanding of the events.
but this is only journals and thoughts written down.
If you would like to read a nice story, try when a changeling dies, or changing the world for you, their my best stories, and explain the environment much better.
As for the typos, sorry about that.
Um, I`m not really enthusiastic about writing this, but I really liked the idea, so I just went ahead and did it, so please forgive that i`m not truly into this story, and therefore have more than likely a lot of mess ups.
I will explain color craze (colored pony) later.
6159832 One thing though, the computer did not detect many of these typos. Can you please point me to a few major ones?
if you get duplicate author notes, just ignore it please~
I`ve noticed more ponies are faving this than liking this.... What?
No problem with it, just kind of funny~
I agree with.
6159832
The hotel collapse was confusing and it adds nothing to the story.
they're
Typos this chapter:
I'm
Nevertheless, I'm
I'm I'll
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Ok. Review time.
First the good points.
* Having the story being told as a diary is an interesting choice.
* Decent plot.
What needs work.
* Capitalization. Names. I I'll I'm.
* Sometimes you add things that are illogical or come out of nowhere and then disappear. (Hotel collapsing. Predator Prey question. Chang-ling hiding in a Library to steal bread. Changling only getting a few hours worth a food from feeding. (They would of starved a long time ago if that was the case) Twilight being unable to learn a spell that he was able to teach to others.) They either need to be removed or explained. (My recommendation is to remove the hotel collapse and Twilight being unable to learn a spell)
* Many descriptions of events are too brief. Yes it could be accurate that some people write journal entries that devoid of details... but this is a story and readers like some details. It's boring to read "I went to battle with my battalion. We won. The next day I ate an apple for my breakfast." Instead it could be written as "Our battalion had a battle yesterday. Hmmpp. Battle. More like curb stomp. We came across two enemy combatants that were complete idiots and decided to commit suicide by attacking us.... the idiots should of surrender peacefully. Why does it never end peacefully? ...... Guess I better eat my apple and get to work. Can't afford these thoughts." You get the idea.
6176704 Thanks for the help! I`ll make sure to change the hotel collapsing. Well... I`ll go back and explain it, like make a few parts better.
make sure to fix these too... But can`t seem to find one... Meh, I`ll find it.
Thanks though! Like I said nioniosobbbb, I have way better stories than this.
For example when a changeling dies. Thank you~
You don't need a comma right before an "and" or an "or".
Not sure what you meant by flaring. If you meant the shaping the gems, then you should of using the term gem cutting or gem shaping. Thought that there should be a note as too why a unicorn needed a unicorn to cast a spell she already knows. Adds a bit of flavor.
Also a continuing typo is your use of the apostrophe, or the lack thereof.
You keep on using the backtick(`) instead of an apostrophe(').
Example:
don`t -> don't
I`ll -> I'll
I`m -> I'm
it`ll -> it'll
It`s -> It's
6178170 Thank you~
No pony ever notices the (`), even though it is supposed to be a ('), the way I type has already set in, so I hope that doesn`t really need attention.
I fixed some of the parts, including the collapsing building and Twilight`s spell.
Better hope he keeps Artax away from swamps.
6186579 Now I get it
....Oh dear Celestia, that swamp....
Ok. I've looked at how you revised this....
and it makes less sense than before.
The changelings, are using their element of surprise, to make sure to take out a hotel.
Yeahhhh....
A common typo is that you forget to capitalize on occasion.
Manehatten - cities are capitalized.
Twilight - Names should be capitalized
Midnight - Capitalize names.....
6210164 Oops... Sorry, in a big rush lately... I`ll try to correct that in later chapters!
6209952 I.. uh... Let me explain.
I`m not interested in writing this story much. I put that other buildings had been attacked too
In that case, the changelings basically gave ponies a problem to deal with, causing less guards to be on daily patrols.
I was actually going to put that in later...
If you would like to help me, I`d rather appreciate it in when a changeling dies or changing the world for you. Here it is not needed, for I don`t care about this story much.
I think this story isn't haft bad, all doe I find that there are a few inconsistencies in it Like the main character taking about the crystal Empire barely after he was captured at the wedding. I don't get what he meant that Twilight was a traitor or that he used dark magic that was sort of suggesting that he is in line with Sombra, it is confusing. I know this was more or less a test for you to see if this could become a good story, I think so two,but I think it need a lot more work before it would ready. why did the main character seem to have escape the hive so easily any way? considering all the energy that the changeling of that hive used to change him I would have thing that they would have a better way to keep their new converts in there metes. if you are going to redoes this story I think it would be best that you live the pet dragon out of the story seeing that he serves not real purposes to help the main characters in his disguise. I how my opinion on the matte can help you on this.
6498963 thank you for the feedback!
Yeah, I could have changed A LOT in this story. And actually, I'm not really gonna go back and change it
Especially since if I actually wrote this again, everything would be different in the sense of grammar, characters, and most of all the plot.
But if I did edit it, I definitely would take your info/advice into play. Thank you~
I'm glad you like the story!
6209952 Yeeeah... If I had written this now, it would make a lot more sense :/
6178170 aa I know this is a really, really late comment, but thank you so much for your constructive criticism! It's been a year or so but it has helped drastically~ :D