The Amazing Chase

Applejack has been getting close to Rarity every time they meet up alone. When Applejack returns from using the bathroom, Rarity were on the floor, collapsed, she could have the chance to make Rarity hers.

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Comments ( 11 )

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Spider8ite

Spider8ite #1 · May 29th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Cute little one shot, but here's a few things:

... 9PM ...

You could put it like that:

9PM

"Yes. I'm sorry that you couldn't spend time with the family, but everyone else was busy." Rarity said sounding guilty.

Don't ever say "everyone" when writing ponies in Equestria (when writing EG and humanized it's normal). Ponies don't know that word, for them it doesn't exist. Always use everypony.
Now about the formating of it... it's some kind of messed up. Of course I could understand it while I was reading, any person would, but it still weird. A example here:

"It's not a problem sugar. Applebloom, and Granny Smith are in Manehattan with Babs Seed, I didn't want to go, and Big Macintosh is in Appleoosa,
which I really didn't want to spend the holiday there. So I'm staying in Ponyville." Applejack said as Rarity smiled.

You can't simply go to another line when you writing the same sentence from the same character. It would be better like that:

"It's not a problem sugar. Applebloom and Granny Smith are in Manehattan with Babs Seed, I didn't want to go and Big Macintosh is in Appleoosa, I really didn't want to spend the holiday there. So I'm staying in Ponyville." Applejack said as Rarity smiled.

Your use of commas is not really the best. My only hint for you is to find a editor. But it was a lil' cute story and I like it, good work!

Twyla In Wonderland

Twyla In Wonderland #2 · May 29th, 2015 · · ·

6032756 Sorry about that. You see I normally write on notepad as a start then I hate it when everything is stretched out to I start new lines. I will sort it out.

bjorn2345

bjorn2345 #3 · May 29th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Didn't make it past the first paragraph. Please get an editor or at least read what you write back to yourself to see if it sounds correct.

Twyla In Wonderland

Twyla In Wonderland #4 · May 29th, 2015 · · ·

6033592 Is that better? (Was is just the first paragraph.)

Frizzy

Frizzy #5 · May 30th, 2015 · · ·

What? Everything happened so fast, and I don't know what happened with Sweetie Belle. Why was Twilight there?

Twyla In Wonderland

Twyla In Wonderland #6 · May 30th, 2015 · · ·

6035070 Sweetie Belle, and Twilight was only to make the story a little longer, but if you want to know. Twilight was practicing age spells, and hit Sweetie Belle by accident that's why she was a full grown mare, and Twilight was there to fix the spell.

Dan-Dan-Dani

Dan-Dan-Dani #7 · Jul 19th, 2015 · 2 · ·

[I'm a huge nerd I confess. Just a goofy awkward mess]
Oh? *gets into the Thinking Man position and...thinks*

[Rarity pulled out thick glasses black with purple tint]
*thinking intensifies*

Now all I think of now is Vinyl Scratch and All About that Bass Cannon

Despite my mind drifting away from the main storyline for a moment during that part, this was a fun little read

AJ's reaction to Sweetie, I lol'd

Now I give you this here lil' apple horse http://files.gamebanana.com/img/ico/sprays/51d16fb4bdbf3.gif

AppleDashislife

AppleDashislife #8 · Nov 5th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Please... Please... Add more detail.

The last sentence didn't even make sense, when were they ever chasing each other?! Why was twilight even at the carousel boutique? Why did you even mention Sweetie Belle at all?! It just doesn't make sense. Please excuse me for yelling, I just...don't like to see writing like this. I don't mean to come off as mean, but please rewrite this.

Twyla In Wonderland

Twyla In Wonderland #9 · Nov 5th, 2015 · · ·

6603053 When I get the chance I'll rewrite this story, but it's one of my first stories so it is gonna be shit. Just wait until I've finished my new story then I'll rewrite this one

AppleDashislife

AppleDashislife #10 · Nov 5th, 2015 · · ·

6603987 I am sorry I don't mean to be mean I should never had said any of that. It wasn't my place, I hope you can forgive me. It does show a lot of promise though.