A young sentient creature known as a Jinouga, has been thrown out by his parents into the cold Everfree forest for not being 'aggressive enough'. The Jinouga has been a creature only known in myths and legends to all ponykind, but when this omnivore, with a very dangerous natural instinct, finds its way into Ponyville, will the inhabitants accept him as one of their own, will they throw him out, or will they utterly destroy him.
(This is an experimental story crossing over a creature from monster hunter and putting it into My Little Pony. This is going to be a sad/good feeling/cute story. Hope I do it well. I will also include pictures to help describe it a bit more)
P.S, this is a young Jinouga he is only about 3.5 ft tall and 7ft long from head to tail.
Liked it before I even read it :3
If you want a proofreader, just ask!
I have seen a few grammer and punctuation errors, but they are not too bad.
Great story though, like where its heading.
Me Gusta
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I eagerly await the next chapter
582800
Don't worry, already have some good proof readers on it now.
wow this is going to be so cool
Sorry... I couldn't make it to the end of this story. Far to many mistakes. I realize english is not your first language, so I'm not making fun of you or anything. But you should really take Metal up on his offer... And perhaps get a few more editors besides him.
First off, that would be very out of character for fluttershy. Even if she does not know what to do to help an animal she always tries her best on her own.
Twilight wouldn't be like "Oh, hey look Fluttershy is bringing a strange creature I have never seen before into my house. Isn't that cool? Put it on the couch." She would be studying it, and warning her freinds not to get to close to it.
(Side note: Fluttershy's name is one word.)
I don't think I've ever seen a single episode where Spike read an informational book that Twilight had not already read, so Spike knowing about this and Twilight not knowing about it is about as unrealistic as it gets.
(Wow, I sound like a terrible person... Sorry, I'm just trying to point out the mistakes I see in your story so you can improve your writing.)
"Just wait, he looks so cool."
"Oh my stars Rainbow, you didn't tell us you had a coltfriend!"
Silly and random comments like the second one are pretty much always the sole property of Pinkie Pie.
"Jin, wolfie, and Lupie" Are names that would never be suggested in Equestria (especially not by Fluttershy) because most names are not only 2 part, but most of the time they actually mean something. (This is not always the case, but as I said It's the general rule of thumb)
The best example of this is "Rainbow-Dash". Rainbow, Because her mane is rainbow colored, and Dash because she likes to "dash" all over the place.
Alright, I'm gonna stop now, I hope these criticisms help. =3
I like it.
AWSOMEFACE APPROVES ruminations.com/site/images/users/AwesomeFace_icon.png
*like my custom icon?*
583039
I'll work on it man your really helping me out especially with Flutter Shy, the reason spike knew that information was because he wanted to know more about his kind.
Let me just say that I loooove Monster Hunter. 500+ hours on that game.
You sir, get a like just for writing a story about this.
Must...track, I like it!
583310
Dude import Portable 3rd form japan and download an english patch, it is seriously worth it. And the Jinouga is an absolute beast in that game.
583320
Rrrggh... Where can I get a download? I have yet to even find one...
If I could, I would certainly do so. Damn, but the games are just soooo good. The skill ceiling is really high, and I enjoy games like those. Good story so far, but the grammar errors and slightly off characterization hurt it, bigtime. Don't give up though! This story is a fantastic idea, and I'm behind you 100%!
Monster hunter? ME GUSTA dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
edit
ME DAVID GUSTA!
edit mega super edition
GRATZ ON FEATURED!
a Jinouga in Equestria?
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can't wait for the next chapter
Gotta agree with Werewolf435 and The DaringDone, I couldn't actually read the whole thing because the spelling and grammar knocked my out of the story. A couple of choice ones I spotted:
She looked down at her side to see a white bunny, stomping it's foot and throwing a fit. "Don't worry little angle-bunny, I will be back with a big carrot for you when I get back from town." The bunny then stopped his fit and went back inside. "*Yawn,* I wonder if Twilight perfected that spell she told me about." She then closed the door and started down the cobblestone path that lead into town. She started to hum softly to herself before something caught her eye. Up on top of a hill, their was a small white and blue creature at the base of a tall orchard. Flutter Shy was too curious, she took off and flew to the being at the base of the orchard. She was absolutely shocked, she had never seen such a creature before. It was about 3ft tall and 7ft long from head to tale, It had pure white fur and blue scales. Flutter Shy knew animals, and this one was young, cold, and very sad.
The bolded points, those are a couple of the major ones you have. Firstly, in a narative, you never put actions as part of someone's speech. Yawning, giggling, chuckling or any other type of sound count as actions, not dialogue they go outside the quotation marks as part of the descriptive portion of the narative:
"I wonder if Twilight perfected that spell she told me about." She murmured to herself around a yawn. Closing the door Fluttershy started ambling down the cobblestone path that lead into town.
See, that's what it should be like above.
Second point from the paragraph I pulled out is your measurements area. Numbers under a thousand are generally written out longhand (in words) and while it's okay to use shorthand for the unit of measure in something where you're going to be writing it a lot in succession, like a set of notes for something, those are also generally longhand in narative:
The creature looked like it might stand a bit shorter than her, maybe three feet tall to the shoulder if she was guessing its leg length right and maybe seven feet long from head to tail, white fur shone in the sun, contrasting with the blue scales that seemed to cover other parts of its body. I wonder what it is... Fluttershy thought to herself as she looked it over, trying to tell whether it had any injuries. It seemed rather bedraggled, as if it hadn't had a good night, and judging from its paws, it wasn't fully grown yet either.
Once again, your two run on sentences revamped. I've said exactly the same thing, but I've done it in story style, and tried to break up a descriptive text wall a little.
Your other primary problems for telling the story that are outside characterisation seem to be a general lack of apostraphes where they're needed along with using the wrong words in some places. I picked up lied when you meant lay and their when you meant there. In those cases, the first you said basically that someone had told someone a lie, when you meant that they were lying down at the time and in the second you used the possessive instead of the place.
Despite grammar nazi's... I want moar
595172
wouldn't it be spelling Nazi?
597924. Oh you
When I was reading this story I felt my d'aaww factor increase tenfold
I thought this was a good chapter. (I mean better than anything I could write
)
Anyway, great work, looking forward to the next chapter.
Also congrats on getting featured!
I'm agreeing with all the criticism here, but otherwise this is an amazing concept.
If you would like more than one prereader I'd be happy to help. A PM saying yes or no would be fine.
i think that it is good that spike is all badass knowing something twilight doesn't
I like!
original conccept and well done.
there is only a bit of a flaw in my opinion.
in you description you say it's a mythical creature, which mostly means that it is well known.
in the story however, not even twilight knows about it.
anyway, keep up the good work
Liking the... strangeness... of the story. Good work.
Couple points, work on your grammar and structure, and also...
MOAR UPDATES!
Apart from that, great story.
-Jorofrarie
This got me interested, also gratz on being featured!
I really, really like this idea
But... the grammar errors...NNNGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
"Well, mah names Apple Bloom"
"names" should have an apostrophe between the E and the S to show the contraction "name is".
There is a difference in there, their, and they're.
Other than that, it's pretty well done. Keep up the good work!
583039 Related to these, there were several grammar mistakes as well. (Misused there/their/they're, capitalization issues, et cetera...)
I would suggest getting a proofreader/editor. Werewolf 435, Ghrathryn, and myself would possibly be good to ask about it.
As far as Spike knowing something that Twilight doesn't, you commented that he had been attempting to read up on his species. That would be good for dialogue, particularly if one of the characters (NOT TWILIGHT, probably Dashie) brought it up.
", and Twilight would be all motherly and proud that he was researching stuff, and empathetic to his plight.
They'd be all "Woah. Lampshading the oddness of the situation", and he'd sheepishly say "It was printed in this book about the Draconic races, and I wanted to learn more about myself, angst angst season two episode twenty-one 'Dragon Quest' sheepish grin
All in all, you have an interesting idea, but your execution is too flawed for me to enjoy it at the moment. Fortunately, execution can be improved
.
595172 Spelling falls under the penumbra of Grammar, but you used the grocer's apostrophe (i.e. a misused apostrophe when pluralizing, common to grocery stores), which is unforgivable. Shame upon thee!
~one of the aforementioned *Nazis.
Saw the Monster Hunter photo, had to check it out :P
its a rare event in equestria for a griffon to find her fish stolen by another creature especially when living amongst pony's.
A small note for consideration is that you seem to have fallen into the trap some new writers do when it comes to referring to the characters of narration. That being the over use of a characters name. Essentially, after mentioning a character, you don't have to say their name every time, and can instead use other references. If you say the characters name too much it'll become repetitive. This paragraph is an example:
It was about a ten minuet trip from her place to twilights. While in town, many ponies gave a worried look as Flutter Shy passed by with a wolf-like creature that rested on Flutter Shy's back. Rainbow Dash was passing overhead when so noticed this, she flew down to Flutter Shy and landed in front of her.
See how you say Flutter Shy three times in two sentences? That included with all her naming in the previous paragraphs start to wear on a reader. It'll flow nicer if you change up the references, so for example it could have gone like:
It was about a ten minuet trip from her place to twilights. While in town, many ponies gave a worried look as Flutter Shy passed by with a wolf-like creature resting on her back. Rainbow Dash was passing overhead when she noticed this and flew down to land in front of her friend. (alright, had to fix some of the other grammatical errors to illustrate the point here)
Hope this helps you improve your writing style there. I think finding a proof reader, if editing the story is proving difficult thus far, would help you out. You can look for one easily enough at the editor (or is it proofreader? ) group. Just do a search for groups to find it.
715464 How many bucking stories do you proofread? Really!
oh my i love ITTT!!!
I like it and can anyone tell me why you would give a fuck about a few grammer errors? Everyone on this damn site cares about grammer why? It does not effect the story at all if he writes "hi my names dont give a fuck!" instead of writing " hi my name's don't give a fuck!" i gave a favorite and a like its a great story!
717067
ahahahah you will not do well in life.
The reason people are concerned about grammar is that, quite simply, it makes things more readable, and ensures that no miscommunications happen.
Furthermore:from what I've experienced, there's a pretty sizable percentage of the population, myself included, who are quite simply irritated by bad grammar and spelling errors.
When I say irritated, I mean in it in the sense of having to cuddle a hedgehog: yes, you can still read the text, but it'll feel like softly poking needles in your face.
Again, not everybody reacts this way to bad grammar: however, there is a reason grammar nazis exist in the first place, and that is it.
Finally, bad grammar makes the person writing it look like a moron who doesn't even have the minimum respect for his readers to proofread or pay attention to what she or he is writing.
Try making a bunch of grammar and spelling errors in your resume, and see how many people call you back.
629236 Totally hah, very enjoyable story
717472
You should practice what you preach let me quote you for a second "i mean in it in the sence of having...." grammar mistake? What was it you said "there's a pretty sizable percentage of the population, myself included, who are quite simply irritated by bad grammar and spelling errors." you shouldn't say people need to read over there work when clearly YOU don't! There's a word for that what is it again....oh yea hypocrite!
Really liked it! =D Though, you may wanna proof read a bit more ;P
Aww, I like it =3 Just..... pre-read it over more. Maybe get a reviewer XD Heck, I'll review stuff for ya if ya want. =)
715671 well. S'pose teh only thing two due nao is kill myselph. If not, than h'wat do? What do, I ask u.
i love you
that was... shocking (i know I'm terrible
)
loved it big time!
everypony's gonna help him right?
First! ... Wait.. Shit
and if he doesnt follow the path of the monster?
what then?
FIRST!!!
Are other mOnster coming in for the fun id love to see rainbow out fly a Rathalos
Picture was awesome, story was awesome, length was not awesome, but better than nothing considering your reason for being tired =)