Wolves fang is a druid, guardian of the forest and it's inhabitants. but what happens when he ends up in equestria, where everypony's, well, a pony? misunderstanding's and hilarity ensue!
this is my first fan fic, so constructive critisism is apreciated, thanks.
and i will be updating the characters as they appear.
so, Fang began his journey through the life of a druid by taking the life of his father. will this effect anypony's opinion of him? How will Applejack react, if and when she is told? the biggest question is, why does he care so much about her opinion in specific?
Chapters (13)
Good, but each speaker should get their own paragraph. Keeps the readers from becoming confused and makes the writing look a lot better. Personally I'm suprised I even finished the chapter as "combined dialouge of different characters" is one of my biggest writing pet peeves.
In addition to what the fellow above me has noted, the first letters of names need to be capitalized every time. That applies for both people and places.
thanks for the input guys, hell, im kinda surprised it's already been read.
I liked the story so far can't wait for more curious as to how the druid healed and got transported to Equestria.
wtb new chapter
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
Damn cliffhangers I want to know what happens next.
i like your story but i would like if you tried to let each speaker get their own paragraph it would make things easier but its your writing so you can do what you want other than that your fic is wonderfully wrote and i suggest you continue
easier to read and less confusing*
thanks for the input everypony
, and for those of you who don't like how i space the conversations, i'm sorry, it's a habit i'm trying to get out of. i have to say, for my first fic, well, ever, this is doing better then i thought it would, thanks for the support, and i promise, moar is on the way
Typography makes a story out of a rant. You should apply some basic rules if you want people to read your story.
Most literate people will instantly dismiss anything that is written in one giant paragraph, for even if your ideas are sound you're unable to express them. Also by being too lazy to format your text you're showing the lack of tenacity, implying that your story will never get finished.
28266
... How did I miss that?... Oh well, derp! 
28526 ignore this shit head
this caught my attention as sone as i saw it so ill be watching and if you need a proofreader just throw me a pst
remember i1100.photobucket.com/albums/g414/nokajohn/advising.jpg
Chapters seem a little short too me but I enjoy the writing so far.
28514 MOAR ?!?!?!
applejack: raritys about to get hart! i better kick her in the face! just fooling, great work so far
awwww! cliffhanger!
im not sure f that the right one to use :/
SPACE EACH TIME A CHARACTER TALKS! LIK THIS
"hello i'm rainbowdash"
"pie"
not like thi
"HI!""OH HI"HOW WAS YOUR DAY" IT WAS GOOD!"
Interesting. Looking forward to seeing more. It's refreshing to see a human in Equestria that's not a solder or a war veteran.
So far, you're writing is fairly well done. I already like the character of Wolf's Fang and am invested in him enough that I want to know what will happen to him. That being said, there are a few things that could be improved, besides what the other reviews have said (spacing out your conversations, capitalization, etc.).
First, you have a tendency to repeat yourself. In the first chapter, you talk about how Twilight felt a wave of magic coming from the forest, and a few sentences later, she says that exact same thing. Then in this chapter, Applejack tells Big Macintosh what happened in the forest. In both these cases, it makes sense for the character to say these things, but there is no need for the reader to hear them, as it's just redundant. In both cases and in future ones, you can just say something like, "Applejack explained what had happened since they had entered the forest."
Second, twice now, you've had a character say "shit." Now, I don't have a problem with cursing, but considering that it's the only curse you've used in this story, it just seems out of place. When it comes to cursing, you really should do one of two things. If you're going to have your characters cursing, they need a bigger vocabulary, but if you'd rather they didn't curse, then just replace their curses with something tamer.
Third, so far, you've been fairly good at keeping the story at a good brisk pace, but there is one place where you could stand to slow it down. When the ponies first enter Everfree, they are there for a total of three sentences before the tree falls on Applejack. With some additional description of the scenery and the thoughts running through Applejack's head, that scene could make for some great suspense.
And lastly, I've noticed you've fallen into a very common mistake for young writers. There's an old adage in writing, "Show, don't tell." What this means is, never simply tell the audience what's happening when you can show them. Let me use the aforementioned scene where Applejack gets trapped.
Here's what you have:
The search began. The search had been going on for about an hour when applejack asked; “So Rarity, what’d ya think we’re gonna find out here?”
"Oh, I have absolutely no clue, but it has to have the magical power of princess celestia to have cause such a powerful shockwave.”
"Then, before she could respond, a nearby tree fell, and would’ve fallen directly on top of rarity had applejack not bucked her out of the way. However, this caused the limb to fall upon her hind legs, breaking them both and pinning her to the ground.
“GO GET HELP!” applejack screamed to rarity, who galloped away to find the others.
A few minutes passed, and she no longer had the strength to stay awake, so she slipped into blissful unconsciousness.
It's simple and only tells the bare minimum of what happened. If you add some simple description, you could get something like this:
The search began. As she and Rarity walked down the forest's well-worn path, Applejack shuddered. No matter how many times they came in here, it was always just as creepy. As they delved deeper into the trees, it began to grow dark as the trees above them seemed to block out nearly all of the sun's light. After a while, Applejack turned to her companion.
"So Rarity, what’d ya think we’re gonna find out here?" she asked.
"Oh, I have absolutely no clue, dear," replied the unicorn, "but whatever it is, it has to have the magical power of Princess Celestia to have cause such a powerful shockwave.”
Applejack opened her mouth to respond, but the sound of something snapping above them cut her off. The pair looked up to see a branch the size of a normal tree falling towards them. Rarity screamed in fright until she felt something slam into her side. Flying to one side, she landed in the dirt with a thud. Shaking the stars from her vision, she looked up just in time to see the branch land on her friend. It slammed into the ground, trapping Applejack. A sickening crack emanated from where the farmer pony was, and she screamed in pain. Rarity rushed to her side.
"Applejack!" she exclaimed. "Are you alright?"
"No!" Applejack cried back. "Ah think mah legs are broken!"
"Oh dear! Let me see if I can get this horrid log off of you!"
Rarity called on her horn's telekinetic power, but though she tried with all her might, the log proved too much for her.
"I'm sorry," she panted, as her horn's glow faded. "I can't lift it."
"Then go get help!" Applejack exclaimed.
Nodding in response, Rarity took off at a gallop through the forest. As Applejack lay beneath the log, she could feel the pain in her legs starting to eat at her mind.
"No," she murmured, "gotta stay awake. Gotta...stay...awake..."
She struggled to remain conscious, but in the end, she succumbed to the blissful void of unconsciousness.
Anyway, forgive the length of this, but like I said, to set a tone for a scene, all you need is some description.
Now, I don't want you to get discouraged by all this. I can see that you've got an active imagination and are already pretty good at telling a story. But, like you said, this is your first fic, and it shows. However, with some minor adjustments, I think you'll be able to turn out something truly great.
28944 thanks for the advice, i'll definatley keep it in mind as i continue, and i'm glad you like the story so far.
dude, seriously, I have to put the mouse over the part I'm reading or else I get lost.
-put the conversations
-like these
-please
or something like that, it's painful to read.I know it may be hard but it's much easier to read
Apart from that, nice story
alright, quick edit on this chapter cuz my computer decided to be retarded and leave out the first bit of it, just noticed it now
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
CLIFFHANGERS!
trollhanger!
Oh Snap...
I would've been like "THOU SHALT NOT PASS"
This is getting good.
but then that would take away from the story
DAMN CLIFFHANGERS btw.
Its a good story, but you definitely needs a pre-reader. I'm sorry, but to be frank, some parts of this story have bad grammar, spelling errors, spacing issues, and some things with reading fluidity that needs to be resolved. However I am only saying this because I offering up for me to be a pre-reader
. Otherwise good job!
Very good story, and an interesting plot.
My main critique is similar to his:
29479
You should try and get a pre-reader to check for errors in spelling and the occasional jumbled up sentence. This really breaks the flow of reading :(
Anyway, I am tracking this and looking forward to more! Hurry up and hit the keyboard!
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
The only real problem I see is the punctuation and capitalisation.
Lol at end
Please fix the wall-of-text. It would be a good idea to follow sgtnolisten's suggestions.
this… Twilight, may be a good idea, mayha
You mean perhaps
dun dun duuuuuuuuun
now that my friends is how you do a plot
I Guess he killed his dad cause he was a interdimentonal murder ninja pirate zombie cimera undead living flaming quadratic spider super eel.
I tought of this outa boredom.
31262 lol, i hope you werent bored because of the story!
31262 you have too much time on your hands.
Ladies and gentlemen, the shit has hit the fan.
Looking forward to Twi's reaction here. Very well done! Keep up the good work!
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
good good continue
I saw the update, clicked, and immediately went "aww balls, just above 1000 words...". Then I read this awesome compilation of characterisation, plot, world-building and character-history and immediatly felt ashamed to ever have doubted you. Indeed you managed to slam more character development, worldbuilding and interesting side-facts in there than most authors accomplish in years. Very well done. I stand impressed.
I also insist you hit the keyboard faster and hand out a new chapter in about 48 hours. Get to it, I know you can do it!
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
This will probably sound stupid, but is Wolf from Tamriel?? Because that's what I got when he referenced skooma...
32924 no he is not, i just decided to make a drug reference, and figured that there wasn't exactly crack in his world at the time, so i made an elder scrolls reference to!
33171 Oh, well then you sir win one free internets
Alright everypony, this is for anyone who hasn't seen my most recent blog post. I'm currently open to suggestions for where this fic should go, along with my other incomplete story, Ballad of The Shadow, which i would like all of your opinions on. also, if anyone want's to do a collab or wants me to use an OC of theirs, or want's to use one of mine, just shoot me a message and we'll talk details. same goes for any suggestions. i'm still on hiatus, but i'll be back in the saddle soon, thanks for the support guys
Hmm, I see this story going toward some sort of catastrophe that needs fixing, but at some sort of cost, or something. Just note, I suck at suggestions of all types.
This chapter, and story are great, I hope to see more.
I used are on purpose.
Woohooo, drunk confession time! Haven't we all been there before? Looking forward to it. The druid has my sympathies! But I still hope Twilight might find a way to give him a longer, happier life... :(
nice chapter its nice to see your writing style improve throughout the story so good job i cant wait for the next chapter