The next morning, Applejack awoke in her bed, eyes barley open, she thought she saw the shape of her friend Rainbow Dash. “Hey! You’re awake!”
“yeah, ah’m awake. Whatr you doin here rainbow dash?” “well everypony’s been lookin for you, so I was flying around, doin’ my part, the most awesome part, when I saw a monster walking towards Sweet Apple Acres, carrying something that looked an awful lot like a pony. I immediately knew it was you, so I followed it. Then suddenly, it stopped and put you down, covered in some kind of blanket. I knew it was my only chance to strike, so I landed behind it and when it turned around, I bucked it right in the face!” ‘wait a minute,’ she thought ‘monster…. Carryin’ me…… blanket…. Bucked in the fa- oh sweet celestia no!’ “YOU DID WHAT!?” she yelled at the top of her lungs, her rage at her friend acting so thoughtlessly reaching new heights. “whoa! Calm down there Applejack, I thought you might be happier when I told you I saved you from a monster, geez.” “he weren’t no monster Rainbow Dash, he saved mah life! At least tell me you didn’t kill him.” “oh…. Ummmm…wow… didn’t know that…” “Did. You. Kill. Him?” “no, he’s out cold though, big Mac’s got him in the next room, making sure he doesn’t try anything.” “well then, I guess ah’m gonna have to go have a word with him to. I swear, sometimes it’s like you don’t think anything through rainbow.” she said as she got up, pleased to find she no longer felt pain in her legs, and walked into the next room. What she found in there was an unconscious wolves fang, strapped to the bed, while big Mac watched over him, ready to react if anything went wrong. “JUST WHAT THE HAY DO YA THINK YER DOIN!?” she yelled, causing big Mac to jump, “watchin’ this….. Thing. Makin sure it don’t try nothin. I don’t wanna take any chances if it ain’t friendly.” he said, “besides, if rainbow dashes story is anything to go off of, it banged you up pretty bad, so I figured it best to wait till you got up so I could check your side of the story.” she couldn’t really argue with that logic, so she grabbed a nearby chair, sat down, and told her side of the story. “well twi’ an’ rarity felt some kind of power surge comin from the everfree forest, so we decided to go check it out. We split into teams, pinkie and twi’, me an‘ rarity, with rainbow dash lookin’ from above. We’d been searchin for quite some time when all of a sudden, a tree starts fallin from nowhere, and rarity’s standin right in the the path, so I bucked her outta the way. She was fine, but the tree landed on mah back legs. She ran of to get help, but I blacked out. When ah woke up, I was in a cave next to a fire, then he walks in, says that he found me under the tree, moved it and had been tendin my wounds since. He offered to carry me back here, so I took him up on his offer. And now we’re here.” “though, as I said in the cave, the tree was my fault, I rigged it to fall on any intruder, and for that I’m sorry. Now, if you could please untie me, I would be most grateful.” both applejack and big Mac jumped at the voice. “oh, sorry, did I scare you?” “nah, just didn’t expect you to be up yet. I’ll get those ropes off.” said big Mac, as he untied the ropes binding wolves fang to the bed. “sorry bout that, didn’t know if you was friend or foe.” “no worries, forgive and forget, as the saying goes. Good to see you up and about miss applejack, though I wouldn’t recommend any manual labor for another couple days.” he said, and for once, she listened, not wanting to have to be carried again anytime soon. “anyway, you must be big Macintosh, am I right?” “eeyup.” “my name is wolves fang, pleasure to meet you. So, what now?” he asked, wondering if he should just return to his cave, or explore new world more. ‘well the odds of me finding my cave again are slim to none, and this world seems interesting enough. Maybe I could be of use to these ponies.’ as he wondered, Applejack had an idea; “Ah know! we should take ya tah see Twilight! She knows all kinds of funky magic, maybe she can find a way tah get ya home!” she said, seeming honestly excited. He pondered this for a moment. His world was corrupt, yes, but he had sworn a druidic oath, ‘but only to protect the innocent and creatures of nature. So, I could stay here and still keep my oath…..’ he thought. As he continued to consider this, Rainbow Dash finally decided to enter the room, curious as to just what was going on. She was about to speak, when Wolves Fang cut her off. “I believe that taking me to see this… Twilight, may be a good idea, mayhap she can explain just how I got here.” he said. Then he suddenly got a look of great dismay on his face, like he had lost something very important was trying to remember where he put it. “I don’t suppose any of you have seen my staff, have you?” he said, looking around franticly. Then Rainbow Dash became part of the conversation, saying, “oh, you mean that stick thing? It seamed kinda important, so I put it in the barn. It should still be there, unless applebloom decided to mess with it.” he looked at her, not having realized she was there until just that moment. “Why thank you, miss…?” “my names Rainbow Dash, I’m not really one for formalities, so just call me Rainbow.” she said, contemplating whether or not she should apologize. She ended up not having a choice in the matter, as Applejack spoke up, “isn’t there sumthin ya wanna say to mah friend here, Rainbow?” she said, her tone making it very clear that she was still upset. “Oh, yeah. Heh, sorry about, well, kicking you in the face last night. It really wasn’t cool of me, I know. We cool?” she asked, seeming very self conscious all of a sudden. ‘Hmmmmm, well, I could just forgive her, I mean, no harm done really, at least nothing I can’t fix…. Or……’ “So…..Wait a minute…..You kick me in the face whilst I am helping your friend, knocking me unconscious, then have me labeled as some kind of monster, which ends with me tied to a bed…. And you just expect me to forgive you?” he said, trying as hard as he could to keep a straight face. Rainbow dash was suddenly very downcast, thinking her apology had been turned down, and said “Well when you say it like that, I gue-” “Alright, then all is forgiven.” he said, cutting her off. Rainbow’s face was suddenly one of confusion, “wait what? Did you really just say that you forgive me?” she said, thinking she had heard him wrong. “Why yes I did. ‘twas an honest mistake. And besides, druids follow a strict ‘forgive and forget’ policy, so you had nothing to worry about in the first place.” he said with a sly grin and a slight chuckle. ‘gets ‘em every time’ he thought. “So, when do we depart to find this Twilight that you speak of?” he asked, anxious to get going as soon as possible. He had mad his decision, ‘well Gaia must have given me new life and brought me here with a purpose. Only thing left to do is discover what purpose that is.’ he thought, as applejack explained to him that they would be leaving after they had eaten. He agreed, content with how soon they would depart. Whilst Applejack mad them all something she called, “pancakes”, wolves fang decided to go to the barn and find his staff. However, it was not as simple as Rainbow Dash had made it seem, as it was nowhere to be found. He began to wonder if she had taken it and hidden it somewhere, just to spite him. “looking for this?” asked a voice coming from behind him. He turned to see the Pegasus standing there, his staff balanced on one of her hooves. “Why yes I am. Now if you would be so kind as to return it to me, I would be grateful.” he said, clearly very annoyed with her. She laughed at him, then turned to fly away, saying, “you gotta catch me first!”, and with that, she took off, flying high into the sky. He sighed, ‘well, to old for this shit or not, I must get my staff back.’ he thought to himself, as he began to chant a spell. Slowly he began to grow feathers, his arms turning into wings. After about three minutes, his transformation was complete, he had turned into a large, dark brown hawk, and took to the sky. Rainbow Dash obviously wasn’t expecting this, as she looked at him with a confused look, seeming unsure of what exactly had happened. He took this opportunity to simply land on one of her legs, saying “I have caught you, now let us land, that you may return my staff to me.” realizing now what had just happened, she groaned, angry that she had been outsmarted. As they landed, she dropped the staff so that she could speak. “That’s not fair! You….. I don’t even know what you did, but it’s not fair!” she yelled. He tried as hard as he could to keep from laughing as he changed back into himself again. This caused Rainbow Dash to look at him in pure awe as she watched his feathers and talons recede and his wings grow larger and sprout hands, his yellow bird’s feet turning back into human feet, protected by leather boots. Eventually, he stood before her as himself again. And he was laughing hysterically. “You should’ve seen the look on your face! Oh, completely priceless. Anyway, you never said how I was supposed to catch you, and if anything, you should’ve expected me to do that. How else am I supposed to catch a flying creature? Walking?” he said as his laughter began to die down, Rainbow Dash still giving him an evil look. “whatever, just take your dang stick, later.” she said as she flew away. ‘well, she certainly holds a grudge.’ he thought to himself as he picked up is staff to examine it. It looked no worse for wear, though it did have slight indentations and spittle on it where Rainbow dash had held it in her mouth. Content that it had not been damaged, he walked back into the house. “jus’ in time for breakfast! Ah hope yah like pancakes.” said Applejack as set down a plate full of them for him. They smelled delicious. As he sat down, he said, “I’ve never actually heard of pancakes before, so this shall be quite an experience.” Applejack looked shocked at this statement, saying “never had pancakes?! Well then, what the hay yah waitin’ for? Dig in!” he was one step ahead of her though, as he already had one of them in his hand and was eating it as fast as he could. His senses had not deceived him, as they were, indeed, delicious. He went through three pancakes before he realized that Applejack was staring at him. “ummmmm……. They’re great?” he said, confused as to why she was staring at him. Then out of nowhere she broke out laughing. that’s when he realized that his hands were covered in something dark and sticky. “What is this? It reminds me tree sap, it is so sticky!” he said, honestly not knowing what was going on. “it’s called syrup, sugercube. If ah’da known you was gonna pick ‘em up, ah woulda warned ya. Anyhow, when yer done eatin’ just wash yer hands off in the sink and ye’ll be fine.” she said when she finished laughing. He realized that he must look absolutely silly. Then he watched Applejack just dig her face into her stack of pancakes, and he immediately thought otherwise. When they had finished their pancakes, wolves fang went to the sink to wash his hands off while Applejack went to gather some things. He then realized he had no idea how such a contraption worked. He saw that it had two handles, one on each side, and a spout, where he assumed water would come out. Not wanting to bother Applejack with something as seemingly trivial as this, he decided to turn one of the handles, choosing the one on the left. He was met with success, as water began to flow from the spout. Proud of himself, he stuck his hands underneath the water falling from the spout, only to draw them back again immediately. ‘By Gaia! This water is scalding hot!’ he thought to himself. He decided to turn the left handle back to its original position, and try the other one. This time the water was cold, but bearably so. After a few seconds of holding his hands under the water, he felt content on how clean they were, turned the water off again, and grabbed a nearby towel to dry his hands. After a few minutes, Applejack reappeared, now carrying what seemed to be saddle bags on her back. “Well, ya ready to go? We ain’t got that much a journey, she lives in town, just down the road, but ah packed some stuff, jus’ in case, ya know?” she said, looking almost scared to go into town with him. “I am ready to depart, but I must ask, what worries you? You look frightened.” he said with honest concern. He did not wish to cause any problems, but he didn’t exactly know if she was worried about him, or something else. “Ah ain’t scared, ah’m just worried bout how the towns ponies are gonna take tah seein ya. Most likely thing is everypony freakin out, an’ the princess sendin in the royal guard. Ah don’t suppose there’s anyway tah sneak ya in though.” she said, and he realized that she had a point. If he just walked into town, all the ponies would panic, and then force would most likley end up being used to force him from the town. He thought for a moment about what form he could use to sneak himself into town. Then he had an idea. “there is indeed a way to sneak me into town. Wait here, I shall be back.” he said, and walked outside. He began to chant another spell. But this time, he began to grow fur, his hands and feet turned into paws, his teeth grew sharp, and his face turned into a muzzle. Satisfied with his new form, he walked back inside, and could not wait to see the look on Applejacks face. “what the hay? Looks like Winona brought back another stray. Git!” she yelled at him, much to his amusement. “well I do not know who this Winona is, but I suggest we depart soon, a I can not hold this form for long.” he said back to her, causing her to look at him very confusedly, “Wolves Fang? That you? What the hay happened?”
“well, long story short, magic. I believe that explains it adequately. Now let us depart before I must change back.”
So far, you're writing is fairly well done. I already like the character of Wolf's Fang and am invested in him enough that I want to know what will happen to him. That being said, there are a few things that could be improved, besides what the other reviews have said (spacing out your conversations, capitalization, etc.).
First, you have a tendency to repeat yourself. In the first chapter, you talk about how Twilight felt a wave of magic coming from the forest, and a few sentences later, she says that exact same thing. Then in this chapter, Applejack tells Big Macintosh what happened in the forest. In both these cases, it makes sense for the character to say these things, but there is no need for the reader to hear them, as it's just redundant. In both cases and in future ones, you can just say something like, "Applejack explained what had happened since they had entered the forest."
Second, twice now, you've had a character say "shit." Now, I don't have a problem with cursing, but considering that it's the only curse you've used in this story, it just seems out of place. When it comes to cursing, you really should do one of two things. If you're going to have your characters cursing, they need a bigger vocabulary, but if you'd rather they didn't curse, then just replace their curses with something tamer.
Third, so far, you've been fairly good at keeping the story at a good brisk pace, but there is one place where you could stand to slow it down. When the ponies first enter Everfree, they are there for a total of three sentences before the tree falls on Applejack. With some additional description of the scenery and the thoughts running through Applejack's head, that scene could make for some great suspense.
And lastly, I've noticed you've fallen into a very common mistake for young writers. There's an old adage in writing, "Show, don't tell." What this means is, never simply tell the audience what's happening when you can show them. Let me use the aforementioned scene where Applejack gets trapped.
Here's what you have:
The search began. The search had been going on for about an hour when applejack asked; “So Rarity, what’d ya think we’re gonna find out here?”
"Oh, I have absolutely no clue, but it has to have the magical power of princess celestia to have cause such a powerful shockwave.”
"Then, before she could respond, a nearby tree fell, and would’ve fallen directly on top of rarity had applejack not bucked her out of the way. However, this caused the limb to fall upon her hind legs, breaking them both and pinning her to the ground.
“GO GET HELP!” applejack screamed to rarity, who galloped away to find the others.
A few minutes passed, and she no longer had the strength to stay awake, so she slipped into blissful unconsciousness.
It's simple and only tells the bare minimum of what happened. If you add some simple description, you could get something like this:
The search began. As she and Rarity walked down the forest's well-worn path, Applejack shuddered. No matter how many times they came in here, it was always just as creepy. As they delved deeper into the trees, it began to grow dark as the trees above them seemed to block out nearly all of the sun's light. After a while, Applejack turned to her companion.
"So Rarity, what’d ya think we’re gonna find out here?" she asked.
"Oh, I have absolutely no clue, dear," replied the unicorn, "but whatever it is, it has to have the magical power of Princess Celestia to have cause such a powerful shockwave.”
Applejack opened her mouth to respond, but the sound of something snapping above them cut her off. The pair looked up to see a branch the size of a normal tree falling towards them. Rarity screamed in fright until she felt something slam into her side. Flying to one side, she landed in the dirt with a thud. Shaking the stars from her vision, she looked up just in time to see the branch land on her friend. It slammed into the ground, trapping Applejack. A sickening crack emanated from where the farmer pony was, and she screamed in pain. Rarity rushed to her side.
"Applejack!" she exclaimed. "Are you alright?"
"No!" Applejack cried back. "Ah think mah legs are broken!"
"Oh dear! Let me see if I can get this horrid log off of you!"
Rarity called on her horn's telekinetic power, but though she tried with all her might, the log proved too much for her.
"I'm sorry," she panted, as her horn's glow faded. "I can't lift it."
"Then go get help!" Applejack exclaimed.
Nodding in response, Rarity took off at a gallop through the forest. As Applejack lay beneath the log, she could feel the pain in her legs starting to eat at her mind.
"No," she murmured, "gotta stay awake. Gotta...stay...awake..."
She struggled to remain conscious, but in the end, she succumbed to the blissful void of unconsciousness.
Anyway, forgive the length of this, but like I said, to set a tone for a scene, all you need is some description.
Now, I don't want you to get discouraged by all this. I can see that you've got an active imagination and are already pretty good at telling a story. But, like you said, this is your first fic, and it shows. However, with some minor adjustments, I think you'll be able to turn out something truly great.
28944 thanks for the advice, i'll definatley keep it in mind as i continue, and i'm glad you like the story so far.
dude, seriously, I have to put the mouse over the part I'm reading or else I get lost.
-put the conversations
-like these
-please
or something like that, it's painful to read.I know it may be hard but it's much easier to read
Apart from that, nice story
alright, quick edit on this chapter cuz my computer decided to be retarded and leave out the first bit of it, just noticed it now
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
this… Twilight, may be a good idea, mayha
You mean perhaps