Meet Jack. Jack is an angry, cynical, jaded man, and being a factory worker in his fifties makes it much worse. One night, he's offered a chance. A chance to make his current life better, or take on a new one and have a second chance at living. However, he refuses, and his attempted savior decides to force this chance upon him, taking him to Equestria. It is there that he will be taught what life is really about, and attempt to overcome his personal demons. Will he succeed? Will he even try? Or will he simply give in, and fall to his own darkness, never to rise again?
Chapters (1)
This feels rushed. Your character is another person with a shallow and dull life, always mopey and agitated. This has been done far too many times to make us actually empathize with Jack. Also, why does he need to introduce himself. You kind of already did that in the description. Also, Discord's dialogue didn't feel, well discord-y. And he felt weird, not like himself.
I give this... [insert unnecessary drum roll here]
It was Okayish:
Meh, it needs improvement and please simmer down the cursing. Cursing's not a bad thing to do in a story, but in my opinion, over-usage of it makes me a bit irritated.
3552871 I appreciate your feedback on this, and I will take it into account as write the rest of this. Rushing is something I've always had some trouble with according to a lot of people, I have a bad habit of trying to get to the point as quickly as possible which is something that, as a writer of any kind, is not a good trait. As for the cursing, that's a thing that I use pretty freely both in my writing and in my actual life, but I try to tone it down in my writing, with try being the key word.
As for your comment on Discord's dialogue, that was partially the point. In the beginning, I was trying to stay true to his actual character, but as it progressed I tried to convey his frustration at his attempts at being the "good guy" being turned down and insulted, and to give the sense that his existence still isn't exactly appreciated.
And finally, I know that the concept of a human with a dull life who is mopey and angry is one that is over done to hell and back, I do. But I also know that the usual Human in Equestria concept goes along the lines of "Brony shows up, meets best pony, super-happy-adventure-fun-times ensue", or some variation of that. The concept that I'm trying to make in this is different, and while the beginning may be extremely unoriginal, I know, what I have planned for the rest of it, as far as I'm aware, at least fairly new. I haven't seen many where, even though their life isn't exactly exciting, a human has blatantly refused to go to Equestria and still been forced to. I'm hoping to make this less of an adventure and more of a lesson about life, with Jack experiencing very real problems beyond the usual "my life sucks, nobody loves" line. In fact, his character is the type of person who will tell you that his life could be worse, so he won't complain about it one bit.
Jesus, sorry about going on that rant
anyway, like I said I'll take your feedback to heart and try to improve this, but please don't brush it off yet just because of the problems it has now. The character will be fleshed out a lot as the story progresses, and it will get better, I promise.
3552963 I have to agree with JustImagine on this one, but I'll stick around. Best of luck on the rest of this story. =D
It's hard to read this.
It was ok... but so hard to read.
I give it a C/
3553489 Thanks, I appreciate that, it seems like I might need it
3554293 Yeah, that's a problem I run into sometimes. It'll get better from here though, I swear.
I disagree about it "being rushed." Succinctness is a virtue.
That said, there's not enough to judge. Need more.
3638611 I'm working on it, it'll be out before December's over(where I am anyway)