- Member Since 16th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
MysteriousStranger
TwiShy, AppleDash and Rarixie lover and writer. Also a gamer. Something else you need to know is that I'm strongly against Alicorn Twilight.
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It's so adorable when Fluttershy swoons for Twilight
Truer words have never been spoken.
Heartwarming, cute, and a good phasing of the story, never to fast or to slow, it went at the speed that it needed.
I'll rate this a 9/10. I would like there to be more, but i know it's a one-shot and that they are supposed to levee the rest of the story up to your imagination
Good job Stranger, another good story under you'r wing.
~Tobben
5579839 Thanks for commenting! And, yes, Fluttershy can't fight anypony's puppy eyes
There was really not much here other than Fluttershy waking up in the morning, fully recovered and Twilight glad that she was better
It was cute, but there were some problems with character's actions and dialogue being in separate paragraphs, plus a few spelling/grammar mistakes here and there. Nothing that kills it, but just a bit irksome. Still, it was fun, enjoyable and sweet.
5584233 I separate the dialogues when different characters are speaking. As for the grammar and spelling mistakes, I do my best
5584281
Bits like this, I mean:
Fluttershy is the one saying Yes, so Twilight's nod should be on the next paragraph with her reply.
5584299 Oh, those... yeah, I'm a mess with those
I sometimes separate them, I sometimes don't... if you read one of my multi-chapter fics, you'll see chaos at its finest
5584309
Hey, if you want chaotic grammar, read something by Charles Dickens. The man couldn't punctuate (or his editor couldn't) to save his life.
5584317 I have tried, but the book I tried to read is translated to Spanish
5584347
5584358 I mean, It's fine because it's my mother tongue, but I do miss the original author writing,
5584412
Yeah, I can imagine there's a lot of nuance missing from translated writings.
5584420 I have read the entire Harry Potter books in Spanish and I'm currently reading them in English
5584439
I haven't read Harry Potter in any of the 1.5 languages I can speak.
5584441
First thought I had while reading this was, "Being cold or being in the rain is not how one gets a cold."
My second thought near the end was, "I can no longer tell who is doing what any more."
It was a rather sweet little story, but the grammar was just alright at the start, and then just started falling apart near the end. I don't know if you were using the wrong name at some points (such as saying Twilight did something when you meant that is was actually Fluttershy), or if you were having both doing things in the same paragraph, but most of the last part of the story was almost unreadable because I just couldn't tell what was going on.
5587136 I appreciate your honesty, really. Although there isn't much I can do about grammar (that's why I have a proofreader but I haven't heard from him in months...), I can do something about the messy dialogue. It's a common mistake I make. I don't know I think that people will understand who is talking. I'll eventually get to it and correct those. Nobody really tells me about them because they tend to be more focused on the story itself
5587550
The confusing parts are around when Fluttershy bumps into Twilight, and before they go to Fluttershy's home. The perspective changes so often that it gets confusing trying to see who is talking and doing stuff. For example, there are places where Twilight might say something followed by a comma and then saying that Fluttershy smiled (making it sound like Fluttershy was the one talking and that she then smiled).
I'm not sure where you found this proofreader or if something has come up for them to cause them to go away, but there are proofreader groups on this site (several, in fact). You could always (in fact, you probably should) get someone else to help you proofread so that you still have help with your stories. That's what I'd suggest, at least.
Anyway, it was an enjoyable little story if slightly hard to follow at times, and I'm glad I found it.
5588396 I'm aware of that group but I'm not looking for someone else to proofread. He became busy with real life stuff, but I didn't think that I needed someone to proofread because everyone seemed to follow the story
5588909
I'm, uh, not talking about this story. I just mean that it's a good idea to always have a proofreader for your stories, as having someone else look over something for mistakes is always helpful as they can usually spot mistakes that you don't realize you made (because if you write something and look over it for mistakes, your brain tends to automatically correct them without you realizing it. That's also why people suggest to read out loud to yourself, because that makes it hard for your brain to unintentionally correct the mistakes).
5589273 I'll think on something.
is this part of the story about Trixie, and Rarity? If it is, then i want to read this too.
6020456 Nope. Just a One-Shot I felt like writing that has no connection to other fics
Cute
8933797 Thanks!