Stormy Nights

Samsara #1 · Jan 21st, 2013 · 1 · ·

While I very much enjoy these two characters shipped together... Your intro completely lost me. The way you describe the various features of Ponyville is extremely minimal, hell two of those little things up there are actually sentence fragments, but I get the feeling that you had such a vivid picture of like... a camera panning over the town during a night time thunderstorm in your head, but when you tried to bring it out it seems like you left out several descriptive details. The opening doesn't really hook me or get me thinking about the scene, even though it's clearly supposed to, so in that regard I suggest you go back in and work on it.

With that all by itself, one thing you need to do is indent your paragraphs (grammatical thing, it irks me) and pay a little more attention to your basic conventions, this thing is riddled with errors. I think it could be pretty cute if you polished it up a little bit: I like the premise, I think you did an okay job portraying the characters themselves (though it is decidedly out of character as all shipping fics are want to be) but the actual construction of the story just needs a pretty goodly amount of work before it can be... well... pretty to look at. It's got potential though, that's for sure.

DoomPie

DoomPie #2 · Jan 21st, 2013 · · ·

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Punctuation man. Put in the damn paragraph breaks.

dormagio

dormagio #3 · Jan 22nd, 2013 · 1 · ·

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Not bad, but there were a couple of problems. The first is that Twilight has a TV. I don't know if she actually does or if they even exist in this world, but I felt that it distracted from the world. The next was Twilight's behaviour. Twilight kind of exploded. I did not see any reason for her to suddenly react so strongly. Nor did I see a reason for her to drop the 'f-bomb'. It really felt like the whole thing needed to be expanded. The story is missing a big long scene with Twilight and Fluttershy interacting and growing romantically closer. As it is, Twilight explodes and then they watch a television that seems out of place. I can see that there is a good story in there, but it needs work.

GjallarFox

GjallarFox #4 · Jan 22nd, 2013 · · ·

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U-um... H-hi... Mister Wall... D-don-n't hurt m-me plawks...
Wall of text. Paragraph breaks plawks.

I caught you using people instead of ponies. Avoid. Ponies > People.

Oh. Neanderthals. That's a human-specific insult. Ponies don't come from apes like neanderthals.

Other than that, just minor grammar and spelling errors. I suggest reading aloud to yourself, when nopony's around to call you insane. It should help you kill a few grammar mistakes. I give you thumbs up. Well done.

CUPCAKES! I c wat u did thar.

black heart

black heart #5 · Jan 23rd, 2013 · · ·

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cupcakes it had to be cupcakes.

Discontinued

Discontinued #6 · Feb 5th, 2013 · · ·

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after that movie i don't think twi will be able to eat rainbow cupcakes without barfing.

Chaos Nightfall

Chaos Nightfall #7 · Nov 26th, 2013 · · ·

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Cupcakes.. it HAD to be CUPCAKES... Betcha Rainbow and Pinkie starred in the moveh And rainbow technically lives in ponyville not cloudsdale.. why think less of flutters when it goes the same for rainbow? and flutters flys faster than rainbow?