• Member Since 8th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen Jul 4th, 2019

t_givlin


E

Winter is coming up quick, and Fluttershy needs help to get her animal friends ready, but the Pegasus has other reasons for asking Twilight.

Authors Note: This is my first fanfic, not to mention my first fiction in general. If you could kindly leave all constructive criticism down below in the comments section. If you do not like the story, please give me a quick note as to why. I really want to get better as an author.

-T

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 11 )

Overall, it's a by the book shipping story, but some nice personal touches here and there. Although, Luna is a little creepy just wandering into mane six dreams, the backlash chapter seems like the obligatory homophobia tension, and you need to work on your wordiness. It's your first story on here and I hope to see more of your work. :pinkiehappy:

4221071 Hmm, perhaps i should have stuck by my instincts on that last chapter. I wasn't even going to write it, but after re-reading the story I had 6 or 27 times (who can really keep track of those things anyway:rainbowlaugh:) i felt like it needed something at the end. :facehoof: oh well, live and learn, right?:twilightsmile:

Thanks for the feedback, really meant a lot

Grammar errors.

(Angel kicked the unicorn lightly on the leg) Fluttershy is a Pegasus. Apart from that, you should either get someone to or check your punctuation and capatalization. Always with the punctuation...

4224248 OH MY! :facehoof: Well isn't that embarrassing? Next one i post will be better i hope, my tablet wasn't the ideal thing to type this on :twilightoops: Thanks for the point out, I've corrected the error, only sorry i didnt get to it before.

Yeah, it's pretty good. I know my first story wasn't nearly as well-received (and it still isn't). I'll give you a favorite, just because this is my favorite ship, and you're just starting out, and why not? Hope to see more of you in the future!

4349541 Thanks for the comment and the like and the fav! I just glanced at your story and i have to say i loled a bit. Ill give it a thorough read a little later.

Most mistakes I could find were related to missing punctuation (marks), missing letters, wrong capitalization or strange pace throughout the events. All those could be helped with a good editor, or at least, a lot of proof-reading.

Fluttershys backup-plan with the letter and her diary was a nice idea. On the other hoof, Luna invading dreams might not be as scary as Zeyon mentioned - at least not for me -, but she did give the impression of a probably dangerous creep. Sorry 'bout that, Lulu. I think, she was just involved in to many dreams, leading to the assumption that she in fact may be manipulating or even generating them in the first place. That impression grew stronger when both AJ and Rarity hat the exact same dream with the exact same message. And I don't think that your lovely princess of the night is that manipulative at all.

5398091 Thank you so much for the critique :) I was actually aiming to give out the impression that Luna was guiding Twilight (probably under Celestia's urging. We all know what a troll she can be). now that I have re-read the story, i do regret not going into further details with Fluttershy's letter, and i am glad that someone appreciated it, if being truthful it is my second favorite moment in the story (right behind the ending of chapter 3).

Yeah, punctuation is odd, particularly during dialogue. It also doesn't really set itself apart from a generic shipping story.

I agree with the pairing though :raritywink:

6103139
Thanks for the read :)
I wholehearted agree that it kind of a "by the numbers" shipping story, in fact, it was written as such (have to learn to walk before you can run and all of that). I promise the story I'm working on now is a lot better, if I ever get it finished that is)

Login or register to comment