Fluttershy is rushing to Twilight's house. She needs to tell the unicorn something. It's important, very important. It's so important that it couldn't even wait until it's not midnight! What could she have to say?
Thank you to everyone who read this or my other story, regardless of whether or not you enjoyed it. Also thank you to Cloudy Skies, Yayflutters, Mysteriousstranger, and The Twentiest (in no particular order) for being my inspiration to write this. I think this one turned out a lot better than my last one, but it's your job to be the judge. I really appreciate you commenting on my stories, even if you hated it (as long as you provide a good reason for why, that is). I'm always looking for room to improve, so let me know if you see any grammatical errors or the like, along with constructive criticism. Thanks!
Not bad, there's a couple of gramatical errors like All right it's all together. But I like where is it going
I'm an inspiration?
Hmm... This section, and the general term 'wing erections' kinda feels weird to me... Any fic I've seen them in, they've never actually been named, and a more common term is 'wingboner'... So... Yeah. I'd recommend changing it to something more along the lines of her wings standing straight up, fully erect, rather than just a term for them.
Also, missing quotations at the end of some sentences...
Here, and...
Here.
I'd also recommend spacing out your paragraphs, add a line between each one. It makes things look nicer, and easier to read as well.
But besides those little errors, which really are minor for the most part, it's good! Definitely interested in more.
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJYMjAxMi8wOC8yNi8yMF8yM18xOF80OV84MzM0MV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfdHdpbGlnaHRfc3BhcmtsZV9ib29rX2hhcHB5X3JlYWRpbmdfYm9va3MGOgZFVA/83341__safe_twilight-sparkle_image-macro_caption_vulgar_book_happy_reading_books_and-then-they-all-fucked.jpg.jpg
I've noticed that this story isn't as popular as my last, and thus probably wasn't as good. I can clearly see the change in theme between the two, but may you guys please point out exactly what is worse about this one so I know what to change for my next fic?
1946530 What tipped you off, the sex marker?
That was really cool, particularly the last line: just perfect, writer. Though I had a few cringes through out. Paragraph spacing obviously is writers choice but you can't just neglect it altogether, and I maybe thought that you were going to leave the ends of every piece of dialect; pick one and stick to it; deviations from the norm is okay as long at it's uniform.
My two biggest problems though is that you used the number 2, like that, which is incredibly unprofessional, (>fan fiction
>professional)
But it was only once, so that's a quick fix. The other problem is that Twilight uses the name 'Flutters', and unless I'm wrong (because I haven't yet watched anything from the third seasons; confound my laziness!) no one has every called Fluttershy 'Flutters'.
Perhaps that second one is just me being incredibly picky of what I don't like, but you should still conciser it, especially because of Twilight's general lack of social explorativeness; that didn't make any seance at all, but you get the point.
All's constructive! Good show writer! Write on!
1949695 About calling Fluttershy "Flutters"... that's something I've seen many shippers do in the past, and I thought I should do the same. Thank you for the help, though!
Yet another TwiShy I missed? I really need to cut off the video games...
Now, on to the serious bit.
As you've been told before, add a little spacing. I was the same way and was quickly told to do the same so...I can relate
Other than that, maybe slow it down just a teeny bit maybe?
I shall watch to see where this goes (Plus...it's TwiShy!
)
1968496 I'm taking a quick break from part 2 while I work on a different story... Luckily for you I'm trying to pace it more, and also improving on the spacing!
I found chapter 2 to be just as interesting as the 1st. I always enjoy different perspectives. sweet story.
It's good...
2076219 Not one thing you can complain about? Come on, look harder! You can do better than that!
2076226 Well I don't support the ship, it was not very exciting, and seriously, her butt.
2085500 It's a ship. Is it supposed to be exciting? Also, I made both characters fanatically obsessed with the other's flank so I wouldn't have to give it a mature rating when they were fanatically obsessed with other parts of the other character's body.
I read this story awhile ago and didn't realize you were the author...fave and up vote from me my friend!
In the beginning of the first chapter, Fluttershy's narration was much too verbose to be Fluttershy. It's like an actor who doesn't know Fluttershy very well paraphrasing her lines. I'm not saying she wouldn't have that kind of vocabulary in her memory banks, it just isn't characteristic for her to talk the way the narration does in her perspective, so it didn't seem quite like Fluttershy. Some aspects did, however, and the whole problem ended up fixing itself anyway and she sounded more and more like Fluttershy.
I love that you put the same event in both ponies's perspectives. Sometimes a character's reaction to things comes off as 'following along', and not only does putting the same event in both their perspective fix that problem, but it also removes what would have been annoying ambiguity of the nature of their actions.
For instance, if Twilight's "bed" line had remained in Fluttershy's perspective only, the ambiguity of what she actually meant would have drove me nuts.
It's also nice to see characters in a romance show sexual attraction toward each other outside of clop. People always cry "it's gotta be about the emotions, all about the emotions, feelings don't need to be sexual in any way in a romance"....blah blah, horsecrap. Too often stories will reduce the 'romance' to a very close friendship, because the writer is too timid to show feelings that don't necessarily have to do with love, because they're afraid it cheapens the love...or something. I don't know. But we already know Twilight and Fluttershy are friends. It doesn't take much to establish they love each other, and despite sexual and romantic feelings being seperatel in nature (and indeed should not be confused with each other), there's nothing wrong with feeling both love and sexual desire simultaneously. I love the fact that both Twilight and Fluttershy can't keep their eyes (and in Twilight's case, hooves) off each other's flanks, and that the story ends on a note that it's clearly obvious they're going to buck right then and there.
Awesome.
2346401 Thanks for the help! This was the most descriptive advice I've been given yet. Also, no clop because damn, I hate clop.
Help? I don't remember giving any advice. o.o Just praising the shit out of.......oh, right. the beginning Fluttershy vocab. Forgot about that. I'm a forgetful pony.
Anyway I don't like clop either. I thought I would, once, 'cause I'm a perv and I want the characters to buck like rabbits. But clop is....disgusting. It's like clop writers go out of there way to make sex as unrealistically disgusting as they can imagine.
I mean, does EVERY kiss have to end in a thick saliva bridge? That's way too easy to avoid...and so gross! Jeezo.
"Motherbucker! Just because I was too nervouse to eat dinner doesn't mean you have to interrupt this."
2733188 Did you like it?
Hey this is nothing, but amazing. That is the only word I can use to describe it. Keep Going!!!
3488371 There must be something I can improve upon.
This is a well written story. Have a thumbs up :).
3732520 No chance you could find every single miniscule flaw and tell me in detail about every single one so I can avoid making any in my next story?
3732587
Instead of worrying about your mistakes, worry only about what you will do next. if a mistake is found except it, find it and rethink that spot only to improve it. otherwise pay it no mind
3914017 That's what I'm doing. I'm just going out of my way to find said mistakes.
that was simply adorable
n' i liked both perspectives of t girls 
4252887 Thanks.
4255557
Ur welcome
awesome story
4399461 Oh, really? How many words did it take? Also, there's a sequel if you're interested. Only one chapter is done, however, and it's a clop, so...
I like the story so far but, Fluttershy sounded like she was a weird mix of Rarity and Rainbow Dash and, actually they both sounded oddly like Rainbow. Maybe it's just the nicknames. I really only see Rainbow use those nicknames and, Applejack occasionally. Still deserving of a mustache