Everything Hates Me: A Bronys Adventure

by Narshlog117

I'm so sorry

Chapter Six, Fezzes and Bow Ties.

There were five measuring tapes all flying around my body, coiling like glowing purple snakes, all recording the measurements they take from all across my body. To say I was just a tad ticked off and embarrassed about these tapes going absolutely everywhere, was like saying that PinkiePie was horribly depressed and needed to get out more.

“Hold still now… No I don’t care… Hold out your arms… Yes I can understand you’re not happy with this, only a little longer now… It has not been forty five minutes… OH GOODNESS IT HAS! I’d better hurry up about it then, now open your legs…” I tried to scream and shout at this, but I had been gagged and tied to a pole with my wrists and ankles strapped together because of my nonstop complaints and pleading for Rarity to stop measuring me, she could barely understand me because all I could manage was muffled murmurs, but she knew what I was saying most of the time.

“MMUUUUURRRRGGGGG!!!” WACHS WIH AW DEH SECHURL INUENGOWSCH!?!?” (Try and pronounce it, you’ll realise what I tried to say.)

She realised she said something else that could be easily misinterpreted to be rather saucy and blushed once more, trying to hide her face behind a fabric. She then realised it was partially see-through which made her blush even more and move to another fabric. By now, in these last two crazy days I had seen more ponies blush than any other creature ever, and there was almost certainly more to come. When she had calmed down a bit she came back out of hiding.

“Right, last three measurements then you’re free to go.” I relaxed and separated my legs slightly. The tape measures wrapped around my thighs, shins and ankles and marked the measurements on themselves. All my bonds then released me simultaneously and I collapsed in a heap on the floor.

“Air!” I yelled “Clean air and free bodily movement!! Praise be!!!” I kissed the ground and then struggled to my feet and shot daggers at Rarity.

“Well, we’re done now, was that really so bad?”

“YES!” I yelled “It was AUFULL!!! Never do that to me again, if you lose those measurements I swear to god, you will never look at the word ‘Pain’ in the same way again, bloody hell!”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, when you’re quite finished with the dramatics…”

“Oh and you’re the one to talk about dramatics!” I retorted.

“Hmpf, well, it will be worth it, ponies from all over Equestria will look at you with furious jealousy.”

“They’d better, I swear down, if whatever you give me makes me puke, you will never live this down, thank god I don’t have any money to pay you with yet because whoever heard of paying to be TORTURED!?” I ranted like this for a while and was stopped when Rarity ripped off my all my clothing except for my boxers, socks and remaining shoe at the same time.

“JESUS WHAT THE HELL RARITY, ALL THESE DIRTY PUNS AND NOW YOUR STRIPPING ME!?!? WHY NOT JUST RAPE ME ON THE SPOT WHILE YOU’RE AT IT AND TELL THE WHOLE OF EQUESTRIA!? HAVE YOU HEARD OF PERSONAL SPACE WOMAN!?!?!?!?!?”

Rarity was now the shade of the redist, purpleist beetroot in the whole of time.

“Oh my…” She spluttered. I just stared at her for a couple of seconds and used my face to take my anger out on the wall, smashing into it again, and again, and again. I finally calmed down enough to think straight.

“Well, do you or do you not want me to repair your clothing?” She asked. I sighed deeply and nodded my head.

“Here, take this.” I took off my remaining shoe and threw it to her.

“Could you duplicate it for me, but invert the way it points on the other shoe because we humans have slightly curved feet. Also, if you wouldn’t mind, could you make a spare pair, maybe make the second a different colour if you like just for a bit of variation.” My face was still in the wall. I turned to face her. “Sorry for shouting at you like that, honestly I am, it’s just… I’m a bit touchy after recent occurrences, and I feel like I have died and gone to hell nine hundred thousand times over, with a little light torture here and there in-between.”

She came up to me and gave me a hug. It was certainly awkward with me being half naked and all, but I returned it because the hug was heartfelt. “I understand” she said. Of course she could never understand, but it was the thought that counts. “I’m sorry for forgetting your kind prefer to keep their clothes on” She then broke off the hug and went away to sort out my clothing, examining it all in pure fascination.

“I was thinking…” she started again.

“Run for the hills everyone” I muttered. She ignored me.

“Maybe your next set of clothing could be… a bit more… jazzy, more handsome and well-mannered.”

“A suit.” I said simply.

“Yes, only, you’ll need a bow tie and an excellent hat too.” My mind was making a picture of the skeleton detective out of my second favourite series of books “Skulduggery Pleasant” I liked the image of his type of clothing on me, and if I didn’t agree, I would be lynched by her anyway. I decided to describe what Skulduggery wore so I could have it.

“Fine, but the hat is essential, it should be fairly wide brimmed and black. The suit should be black, maybe put some grey pin-stripes on it, I don’t know… Surprise me with the pin-stripes, don’t add them if you like, I don’t mind too much.” I then decided to have some other accessories. “I recon I need a bow tie… It has to be red, and also I need a fez, fezzes are cool. And it goes without saying, the fez is also red, if the fez isn’t red, I will go on a rampage and murder thousands”

She looked horrified at this. “I don’t mean it! It’s just an idle threat, people do it all the time where I come from”

“Oh I don’t care about that, I’m shocked at the fact you want a fez is all. They’re idiotic!”

“Don’t dis fezzes, Tommy Cooper had a fez, as did one of my best friends Hoe Joward. Sure he was a raging psychopath, but the fez suited him, also I’m telling you exactly what I want so I DON’T look like an idiot, I bet that if I wore exactly what you wanted me to, I would only have to step outside this store and be laughed at until everyone died of asphyxiation”

“Care to put your bits where your mouth is?” She asked, I raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t mean to say it like that! You know what I meant, shut up!!!”

“Just make me the damn fez Rarity” I sighed.

I was once with the Hoe Joward I was previously talking about, in a park somewhere in-between my home and his, when a couple of guys came down from the school my girlfriend boarded at and noticed he was wearing a fez. It was red. Red’s a good colour.

“Are you a Jew?” one of them asked him.

He spluttered a bit at this and then said “I’m sorry, what?”

“Are you a Jew? That’s a Jewish hat you’re wearing” We practically shat ourselves at this, I was on the floor almost crying with laughter.

When we could actually breathe again, he wheezed “It’s not Jewish, it’s Moroccan” The two of them still looked puzzled. “Have you ever heard of Tommy Cooper?” I asked them. One of them blinked. Evidently not. “Never mind” I said and they continued on their way.

Two months later we saw them again, only this time they had more people with them, and Hoe still donned his amazing red fez.

“Oh look, it’s the kid with the Jew hat” one said.

“It’s not fucking Jewish!” Hoe screamed “It’s Moroccan!!!” I’ll never forget that moment with the fez, it was absolutely brilliant.

“Are you sure you want a fez?” I nodded. “Of all thingfs, you ask me for a fez.” She facehoofed “What next, a bear costume?” I gave her a sarcastic glance

“Yes Rarity, why not, it will need to be pink though”

“Whatever, If you insist, you shall have a fez” This day may not be an utter failure then if I could get a fez as well as my clothes repaired and a snazzy suit WITH a bowtie and hat. I smiled and then remembered…

My I-POD! I snatched my trousers back quickly to rummage in my pockets, Rarity protested to this but I didn’t care, come on its got to be here somewhere…

“VICTORY!”

Comments

[Habanc]

ha ha ha ha.

eh.

ha.

[metroid_freak]

Jesus, it's like the author's a chimp with Down Syndrome. Too bad it's not a trollfic.

[Narshlog117]

5427393 don't tempt fate

[Theleh]

5405249 Actually, it should be YOU'RE.

This is joke right? Like, your kidding?

This is how it would look like: This is joke right? Like, you're kidding?

Don't correct others if you don't know how to correct yourself. Here, have some examples of how 'you're' would be used.

You're going out later in the evening, right?

Now here is an example using 'your'.

Your car keys are on the coffee table. Don't leave them around next time.

You're is the contraction of you and are.If I were to use 'you're' in this sentence above, it would look like the sentence below.

You are car keys are on the coffee table. Don't leave them around next time. That doesn't sound correct.

[Narshlog117]

5428793

You're going out later in the evening, right?

you're should be your. Learn basic grammar before you try to correct others :) Using you're spelling it sounds like your trying to say "you are".

[bornoftheblood18]

5429755

You're should be your.

[lawefawdawdfsawadsa]

5429755
...
You're is the same as "You are".