This is getting really uncomfortably weird now
Chapter Ten, Lyra.
“Almost… There… GOT IT!” I pulled my fist out of the sink covered in grime and full of hair. I dumped it in the bucket I had brought with me and then replaced the grill that covered the top of the pipe at the bottom of the sink.
“Great, my hooves are just too big and clumsy for that, but your hands are just perfect” Lyra purred.
“Erm… Thanks I guess… Any other odd jobs I can help you with before I go?” Lyra had been acting like this all day, she more liked my hands, she was obsessed with them. I had tried to ignore her tones when she talked to me, and just get the job done, but I was sweating like crazy now, and it wasn’t the manual labour that was doing it.
“Actually, the shower head has been leaking from the side, we tried to mend it by screwing it further on, but like I say, big clumsy hooves.”
“Have you tried putting duct tape or something over the gap?” I suggested.
“Yes, it works for a day or two, then I just drops off, but I think you’re the man for the job” She fluttered he eyelids. Oh god, I don’t think I can take much more.
“Well I’d better see to that then” I said and scurried off towards the downstairs bathroom taking the steps two at a time. Bonbon was at the table downstairs reading something.
“She hasn’t tried anything yet, has she?” Bonbon asks frowning.
“No, thank heavens, but she’s being incredibly suggestive though, I don’t know how much longer I’ll last before I run out the door screaming” She laughed at this.
“She wants me to do the bloody shower now, surely she’s running out of reasons to keep me here…” I looked back through into the other room and the stairs, making sure she wasn’t hiding and trying to listen to us.
“I don’t know, I think she’s actually resorted to sabotaging everything in the house so you can come back and fix it” Bonbon put down her book at the sound of Lyra coming downstairs singing and humming.
“I’ll try and hold her up for you DMT, go and fix the shower” I was so glad I nearly hugged her.
“You’re a life saver Bonbon! Ten seconds would be a blessing, honestly, if you can holder her for thirty, I won’t charge you for all the repairs I’ve been doing”
She laughed at this. “She can’t be that bad” I look at her.
“You have no idea, be thankful she doesn’t dig mares as well” Bonbon blushed at this.
“Yes… well…” She muttered. My brain went into overdrive, surely not… Lyra and Bonbon..? Shut up brain, I don’t want to know and I don’t care, don’t even think about it.
“Oh god, here she comes” I ran into the bathroom and threw back the shower curtain. The shower head had a clearly visible gap down the side where the nozzle should cover. I unscrewed it to inspect it for damage, there was none, it had been screwed on at an awkward angle so the grooves cross threaded. I hastily tried to screw it back on but it kept popping off “Oh Jesus, come on, come on… JUST DO YOUR FUCKING JOB YOU STUPID DAMNED PIECE OF PLASTIC!” I managed to ram it on but it had cross threaded in the same way it had done before I took it off. “Oh no, nononononononooooooooo!” I quickly unscrewed it again and then I heard the door to the bathroom open. FUCK! Too late, she’s here now.
“Oh DMTTTTTT~, could you give me your opinion on this dress please?” Oh god, this is it, I’m going to have a heart attack. I turned to look at her and my jaw dropped open. She was in an extremely provocative stance, and she was indeed wearing a dress. It was a sparkly cyan dress made of high quality sequins. Its skirt stopped just half a centimetre before what was usually acceptable in a way that showed off her curves and flank perfectly. “Good gravy…” was all I could manage.
“So you like it huh? What do you really think of it?” My heart was pounding so hard and fast I was surprised it wasn’t audible.
“Erm… ahem… It suits you! But, but maybe you should talk to Bonbon about it… She’s a girl, and I expect she knows a lot more about dresses than I do, or maybe even go and talk to Rarity about it, she only lives a few streets away, then I would have plenty of time to finish this while you talk it over” Nice one DMT.
“Ah, well Bonbon doesn’t share the same fashion sense as me, and I’m far too tired to go all the way to Rarity’s right now… I’m sure you must have a proper opinion of how it looks on me... Do you want to feel it?” That was the final straw. Last resort: Compliment her and run the risk of being smothered in kisses.
“Oh, erm no, I couldn’t, I have mucky grimy hands. But yeah, it’s lovely, it uh… Makes you look even cuter…” Quick, try get her to go and find something else to wear as well as that so you’ve got more time. “I know, maybe if you wear a um… Hat? Or some socks, or shoes or something it would look even…” Break out the big word DMT, it will get her to go get some socks or something, it will give you enough time to fix the shower “…Sex-eh-er…” Oh god, I did it, now PLEASE go and get something, don’t kiss me, don’t do anything but get the damn clothes.
“Hmm, it might work, I’ll be right back!” She said in a sing-song voice THANK CELESTIA!!!
“Ok, I’ll just sort out this shower then…” WORK DMT, WORK FASTER THAT YOU HAVE EVER WORKED BEFORE! I started to screw it on again.
Come on, come on… Try and be accurate DMT, just three more twists, two… One… BINGO!
I took some duct tape off my belt that had various tools strapped onto it, some were custom made by me, some I had bought, like my adjustable wrench, a few screwdrivers and a few spanners. I wrapped the tape around the shower head and nozzle in a way that I would find difficult myself to take off, and a pony would find damned impossible. Unless they were a unicorn… Like Lyra was… Shit… Oh well, the showers fixed, NOW BAIL OUT! I ran out of the bathroom only to collide with a certain minty-green hand addict.
“Oh, are you done? My my, you are a master when it comes to this, you fingers really are useful… I wonder what else they’d be good at…”
OH MOTHER OF GOD, HAVE MERCY ONE ME!!!
“Well, now you can pay full attention to me” My insides were melting now, she had put on two amazing pairs of electric blue shoes that complemented every aspect of her appearance, and had now also had a rose in her muzzle and was waggling her eyebrows around. There was only one word that would accurately describe her appearance and do it justice. Kinky.
God damn it Lyra, why can’t you leave me be!
“Oh my god, er… you look stunning! But honestly, I have to go now, duty calls, lights to mend, more sinks to unblock, drinks to be drunk and all that. I also think I uh… Left my fridge on fire?” Wow… Smooth…
“Well, I’m sure it can wait just one minute while I go and get your payment and put something else on, maybe something that shows off a bit more leg…”
Deep breaths DMT, you can last a minute while she gets the money.
“Ok, I’ll just wait here then” She trotted off, swaying her hips as she went. I tried to tear my eyes away but alas, I could not. She finally disappeared from view and I fell to the floor taking in as much air as I could. I attempted to relax for a moment, try to get my cool back then…
“Oh dear…” she called down the stairs “DMT, I appear to have got myself all tangled up, could you be as sweet as to help me take my dress off?”
I had never sprinted so fast in my whole life. I left a note on the table saying there was an emergency about a bursting pipe and that she could pay me later. I ran and ran and ran, all the way back to Twilights. I opened the front door and fell forwards onto my face. A familiar purple hoof appeared next to my head.
“Bad day huh?” Twilights voice sounded.
“You have no idea…” I then seemed to drift off the floor and I started to emanate a purple glow. I looked at Twilight and her horn was acting in a similar way. She must be levitating me I thought. It felt weird and tingly, like a pleasant version of pins and needles. I didn’t complain, I just hung there limply and she dumped me down in a chair at the kitchen table I had modified. I had added a back rest to it and fixed a cushion to the seat so I could be more comfortable. She popped a cup of tea in front of me and sat down as well.
“Aren’t you going to tell me about it then?”
I sighed “Lyra” Is all I could say. It’s all I needed to, Twilight knew how she acted around me.
“Ah…”
“Bonbon left a notice at the town hall saying there were a few things that needed fixing and that Lyra would be away for the day so I could do my job without her hitting on me…”
“Go on…”
“It turns out Lyra WASN’T busy that day after all, and she started to get very intimate, even more than usual… She started wearing dresses and shoes in front of me, quite reviling dresses I might add… HOW THE HELL DO PONIES MANAGE LOOK SEXIER WHEN THEY PUT CLOTHES ON?”
Twilight began to giggle.
“She even had a rose in between her teeth, she was swaying her hips! She was suggesting that I should use my fingers for something other than fixing stuff, I mean, I just can’t take it! She’s too forward! I don’t know whether I want a relationship either with anyone at all at the moment, I mean I DREAD to think of what she’s like when she’s in heat, she’d probably strap me to a bed and not let me go until one of us die!”
Twilight seemed to find this conversation incredibly amusing and started to snigger even louder.
“Is she like this with everypony?”
“No, she’s not like that… However it does seem she has certain feelings for you… Maybe you SHOULD spend more time with her, see where it leads. You may well really come to love her” What she was saying made sense, but all the same… Could I do it? Could I actually attempt a relationship with a pony?
“I just can’t handle aggressive women, I just… melt. Sure pretty, in fact she’s more than just pretty, but I don’t know if I could actually go out with her and NOT have a heart attack. And like I say, I still don’t know if I would want to in the first place” Twilight sighed as well and rested her hoof on my arm.
“Well, to be honest I’m not the pony to be giving romantic advice, Rarity seems to be good at that kind of thing…”
“Not Rarity, anyone but Rarity, she’s follow us around trying to make everything perfect and end up doing the opposite…”
“Well, you may have no choice but to ask her, who else can you ask?”
“Bonbon?”
“Hmm… That’s an idea, you could always try her I suppose, see what Lyra like to do, where she likes to eat…”
“Yeah well, I’m gonna get a bath and a shave and see what happens after that… Thanks Twi for, y’know, talking to me…”
“Don’t worry about it” She insisted. I sighed again, finished my tea and headed upstairs. My brain was still thinking about Lyra, no matter how hard I tried all my thoughts came back to her. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. Time for some well-earned relaxation. I thought, and started to run the bath.
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http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/420499/youre-a-nobody-and-when-i-want-an-opinion-out-of-you-ill-tie-you-down-and-beat-it-out-of-you
5405249
Okay, now I just know this is a joke. Either that or a ten-year-old - and whose first language isn't English, because I'm pretty sure I had a better grip on grammar at that age. Lemme try to simplify this for you: "You're" = contraction = you are. You are = you, the second person pronoun, and are - to be.
Your = second person possessive pronoun. 'Your' would mean that you have a kidding. Kidding is a verb. You cannot own a kidding.
'Nah, I just have a kidding.'
(Oh damn, I just made this worse, didn't I?)
That's what all I need to know about the author and this story. Obviously a troll.
That cover art is a masterpiece though!
5443626
Not sure I should be taking advice from someone who says stuff like that lol. ;D
5443678 Hey now, I'll have you know this account is a reboot of another account that got banned for impersonating other people, so shut you're whore mouth.
5445178
That's illegal, mate.
5445668 rude tbh
5445920
Would you expect any less from the King of Pirates?
I love this. More. This needs to be like Pokemon, never ending and repeating several ideas, because I love this so much. The grammar's just so perfect, the plot is so unique and imaginative, and the characters are so in character. Absolutely nothing is wrong, please keep writing! And, keep giving us the awesome artwork! I mean, FRIGGIN MASTERPIECE! This deserves so many likes, and I can't believe it's not featured.
Like, srsly, I think I love u.
5450154 txt me ;)
5454172 Give me your number.
I'm willing. My body is ready.