Everything Hates Me: A Bronys Adventure

by Narshlog117

The first bit of a fair lot of nothing

Chapter Three, De Ja Vu?

I wake up but I keep my eyes closed for now. I catch that thought and chase it. I’m awake..? I can’t be… I open my eyes. A meadow. Trees with raindrops hanging off them like decorations, and pain. A lot of that. I grunt and try to sit up, and thus, we have bad idea number two. As far as I could tell, my right kneecap was screwed, my collar bone broken, my arms seemed to be ok, but the headache was the killer… Imagine having the world’s worst hangover but the party’s still going on in your head. Only the whole of the police force turned up, and joined in.

I continued to look around. Very interesting… Pink mountains off in the distance over there... Judging by the position of the sun, it had only risen a few hours ago. It was eight o’clock, maybe nine at the most.

“I must be dead…” I say out loud “It only took you this long to fucking kill me!!! Jesus Christ, the nerve of some gods / universes…” And as if in response I hear a loud “Crack” As I look up at the tree above me, an orange and pink something came down on me faster than a meteorite on steroids, if that were possible. It landed on my left arm just centimetres away from my head. I was so shocked for a moment I didn’t know what to do, I just looked at it, and it looked back at me. “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooowwwwwwww!!!” I screamed. “FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU…” I added, and then I passed out once more.

Poke…

Poke poke…

Poke poke poke poke poke poke…

Slap!

“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!” My eyes snapped open, wildly trying to take in my surroundings then they settled on the violet face of one of the creatures standing above me.
No… I think. It can’t be. Can it? I reached up with my right arm and grabbed it. Soft. Furry. Warm.

“Hey!” I heard “What the hay do you think you’re playing at” I let go and looked towards the noise. My brain decided this might be a good time to work and started to patch things together. Another one. Cyan. Many other colours too. Eyes hurt. I went to rub them and I was rewarded with a fresh stab of pain

“JEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” The creatures flinched “MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY WHAT THE FU…!?” Something hard and furry got shoved into my mouth. I spat it out.

“Keep yer darn language down, sugar cube. We got young un’s here!” I watched the smaller orange and pink figure shuffle slightly at this. There was no mistaking that voice though… Was I dead? Was this heaven? I never imagined THIS to be heaven, to be frank, I never even thought it existed. But surely, this couldn’t be heaven. Could it? Once again my eyes were rolling in their sockets. I stopped them for a second to concentrate on the creatures around me.

Ponies. They were all ponies. I wanted to rip my hair out and smash my skull into a tree, but I could do neither. My body was screwed. “I’m not dead?” I managed “I’m alive!?” One of the pony things quivered next to me and took a step back “How the he…!?”

Fury thing in my mouth again. “I told ya sugar cube, language!” I spat it out again, my disillusions started to fade and my vision cleared up a bit. However, the pain returned. “Scootaloo, it might be an idea to run along now, thanks for telling us of this” I heard one of the figures say.

“But…” the orange and pink thing that was Scootaloo complained.

“Go. Now!” Scoots harrumphed and left. I tried to moan but a mere whimper came out.
“Oh dear…” another voice piped up, this one quiet, shy and caring. A light Yellow and pink being approached me and said “Goodness…”

What they all saw was a fifteen year old human male (Of course they didn’t know I was a human) with just under shoulder length brown hair, it was parted down the middle so it separated in way that used to earn him the nick name ‘Curtains’ at his old school. Part of it had signed away as had bits of his clothing revealing a large left sideburn that was usually concealed by the missing hair. He had bushy eyebrows, hazel eyes, something that resembled fleshy claws instead of his fore-hooves. He was wearing… interesting folds of fabric, had great big something’s over his rear hoofs and a wristwatch in both digital and analogue. It was mortally wounded and severely burnt. They watched it pass out again and they dragged it between them to the nearest house.

I woke up again in the same manner, not opening my eyes just yet to try take in what’s been happening “Oh… I think it’s waking up now” a sweet voice said surprisingly close to my ear. My eyes snapped open once more and the first thing I saw was a giant eye in front of mine. “Eep!” the startled figure squeaked and dove for cover. I was about to rub my eyes and remembered that my body had just been smashed to pieces. I looked at down at myself and prodded my collar bone with my good arm… No pain. I gingerly moved my right leg. No pain. I moved my left arm. No pain. I jumped up onto my feet quickly and fell back down on my face. I heard a stifled giggle to my left.

“Not exactly agile is he?” A cocksure voice started “I’d pound him into the ground in a race” I went a bit cross-eyed at this and tried to get up slowly this time. Gasps ensued.

“It’s bipedal” I heard. “Interesting…” I looked in the voices general direction.

My mouth decided to move before my brain told it to and I ended up saying something around the lines of “Nerrrg” the creatures were puzzled at this.

“He was speaking OK before, what’s up with him now?” Ponies. They were ponies, and not just any ponies either, they were THE ponies. Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and a quivering Fluttershy under the table.

“Holy sh…” Applejack looked like she was ready to shove her hoof into my gob again. “Shenanigans!” I managed to say before she did.

“At least y’all learn quick” She said with a mischievous grin.

“But how? Who? What? Where? Why?” I began a bit cliché “How in the name of everything that DOESN’T want to screw me over right now, did THIS happen!?” They just looked at me blankly. “You’re ponies! I should be dead!! What about the plane!?!?” The mane six looked utterly bewildered now. “AAAARRRRGGGG!” I managed. You ever had one of those days when the universe wants to kill you and fails so it just keeps trying again, and again, and again until you’re crushed and broken? I guess not… I wanted to throttle them to make sure they were real and relieve the stress, I wanted to throttle myself to make sure that I was real and relieve the stress, I wanted to smash everything, I wanted to break down and cry on the floor.

My body decided on the last one. Each of the ponies except for Pinkie now had the same facial expression of Derpy. As I sobbed into the carpet Pinkie approached me and put her hoof on my shoulder

“Poor guy… OOOOO I KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE IT BETTER!!!” She screamed

“NO BLOODY PARTIES!!!!” I screamed back. Now she looked like the rest.

“Wuuuh?” she mumbled. I ran to the door in a feeble attempt at running away from my worries, only to have it slammed in my face. I flew back into the room in an almost comical way, hit the wall and slid down, on the brink of unconsciousness. I’d better get used to this. I thought and watched Princess Celestia enter the room. Now I did pass out. It just wasn’t my bloody day. Never is.

Comments

[Switch Gears]

nice like to see more

[ShadowblazeCR]

This is joke right? Like, you're kidding?

[lawefawdawdfsawadsa]

5403436
Said nobody till now

[Dark_Night]

I must say it is a strange story. The type of material that I don't mind to read, but still...
I must say that I think all of the chapters up until now could be combined into one single chapter. This one would be perfect to end it on, meeting the ponies with a foul mouth. No better way to do it in terms of comedic relief. Either way you have a lot to work on, but believe me when I say this, if you work on this, you will get better.