Everything Hates Me: A Bronys Adventure

by Narshlog117

buckle up lads

Chapter one, An Ordinary Lifestyle… Or not…

“Oi wanker, get up!”

My wakeup call from my loving brother there.

I murmur a muffled “Bugger off” into my covers and he rips the duvet off the bed.

“Come on, Dad wants you up now, you’ve already slept in too much” I groan and lift my face up out of my pillow. And look around.

“Is it past noon yet?” I ask, blearily rubbing my eyes.

“It’s eleven thirty”

“That means a good thirty more minutes in bed then” I say aloud and reach for my blanket again.

“Up” he says and dumps it on the floor “Now”

I finally get up grumbling about general rubbish and fall on my face. My leg had given out. “Ow”.

my brother just laughs and goes off about his business. I had come to the conclusion that my body hated me long ago, and there was always something wrong. If I wasn’t ill, I was injured, and if I wasn’t either, it was a bloody miracle! I reach for the towel at the end of my bed. My old, trusty towel. It was frayed at the edges and it was a sort of redy, pink colour, but it was still a towel none the less. I managed to claim it for my own since no one ever used it. I pull up the blinds and let the sun greet me. “Another day” I say “Another kick in the balls from god” I was quite partial to taking old sayings and warping them into some daft depressing statement, it made me laugh a bit, and I could do with as much laughter as I could get .

I walk downstairs in just my underpants and find dad trying that all important last level on one of his favourite games, Ace Combat 6, Wings of Gracemaria again in the living room. He particularly liked flying games, but he also loved Halo to bits. He was just a big kid really. I continue my way to the downstairs bathroom where the shower was.

Into the kitchen now and another familiar sight, Mum at the table with her MacBook Pro working her way through more lyrics to a song she was working on over about five cups of tea. She had come from a musical background; her mum was a folk singer that travelled around with her family writing songs and playing them all the while. Now through the little hallway we turned into a pantry and finally into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me, turn on the light which triggers the fan, and turn on the shower. I quickly throw my boxers into the dirty washing basket and hop in letting the hot water trickle down my body. I always preferred showers to baths, they were much faster and there wasn’t enough time in the day. It only took me five minutes and I was back out again towelling off, and then heading back upstairs.

Quick shave, deodorant, finish off with the hair dryer, and then go into my room to get dressed. I put on a cool new T-Shirt I just got with the Earth and the Galaxy on the front and a pair of black jeans, I then check my [REDACTED] review group I had created on Facebook and then [REDACTED] itself, then I was off. Out the door, and took a moment to appreciate the view.

“I’ll never get tired of that view” I say out loud. From here you could see a cove with a little village tucked in the side of the cliffs. There were a couple of woods also in view, and the railway line. It had been raining recently so along with the seagulls messing around, there were waterfalls tumbling off the cliffs into the sea. I sigh, one of the very few things at the moment that truly does make me happy is that view. Living in Robin Hoods Bay was certainly something when it was nice outside. Which trust me, isn’t usual… Bloody English weather. Now off to see something else that would make me happy. My girlfriend.

I spot my brother Pen come my way; he’d just finished walking the dog. I stood in front of him, teasing. Even though I was a two and a quarter years older than him, for four years we had been pretty much the same height.

I had grown quite a bit now and I looked down at him “Midget” I joke with him, and he reaches to zap me in the ribs. I grab the offending arm and twist it behind his back. He squeals and then laughs. I zap him in the ribs and then push him away. “Go on” I say and he continues towards the house.

I jump on my bike and free wheel down the hill that my house is perched on. A weeks half term holiday was definitely needed right now, however, I was off to the south of France in three days, so I wouldn’t be here all week. I intended to make the best of the time I had here, and race off as fast as I can, winding my way through the village taking daring jumps, grinning all the way there. Things in my life seemed to be getting just a bit better now. I wished I could feel like this forever, taking joy in my speed and dangerous cornering’s, pedalling as fast as humanly possible. This is what it felt to be like Rainbowdash I guessed.

I had spotted something on the internet that caught my eye, My Little Pony energy drink. HOW COOL IS THAT!? I had found it on a random page of the internet. It was from America however, so I would have to pay £8 to get it shipped over. Totally worth it. The can had a picture of Dash on the front with the caption “20% cooler” on the front. Pure genius. I intended on getting a glass case to frame the can in once I had drunk it to prove I had bought one, and then place it on my desk or bedside table as a trophy.

I got back around six after spending the day with Joanne. She was a truly stunning girl. She had Black hair, green eyes and a sense of humour that was so close to mine it was almost uncanny. She was great to be around, it was a wonder I even got her in the first place. It was one of those relationships where you both tease one another in public and then practically eat each other’s faces off in private. Usually we would meet up with Sparky and a couple of other of my non-brony friends and mess around in the park, drinking coke and telling stories of life playing silly buggers with us. Of course, they didn’t know I was a brony, and I didn’t intend to tell them either, they were the kind who just lie around on a weekend just trying to have a laugh, and they didn’t really get to watch much TV as boarders anyway.

The best story was always the one about sparky getting his nickname. His real name is Tom Jones. Simple and to the point, but the pillock went and electrocuted himself in front of us when he was pissing around with an electric golf cart battery and passed out. He told it really well and if you didn’t witness it, you’d probably think it was bull shit, but by god was it funny.

I made myself something to eat and went upstairs with it. Something nice and simple. I literally emptied a small tin of sardines in spicy tomato sauce onto two small wraps and ate that. Bloody gorgeous. I smack my lips and put the plate on the window sill while. I turn on my computer and load [REDACTED] up again, read through a new story from a [REDACTED] author I quite like, then talk to my fellow brony friends on Skype. Only two of them are proper bonys, ones was called Hoe Joward, a complete psychopath who only introduced us all to My Little Pony because he’s an idiot who loves to manipulate people, and the other was called Pear, and once described himself as “A nerd with a raging boner for adjectives” He had also earned himself the nickname ‘Pearple Prose’ somehow. That pretty much sums them up.

We mostly talk about what we’re going to do during the week off, and arranged to meet up in town on Thursday. I told them I couldn’t come because I was in France and they said it wasn’t a problem.

Ahhhhhh… I thought. The south of France. Just peace in a beach villa for two weeks. I could definitely go for that. I eventually got tired at half eleven and decided to get some sleep. I didn’t get very much however. I never do for some reason.