• Member Since 18th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 3rd, 2019

RustyKat


Losing my mind, and proud of it!

E

Gale is a Cloudsdale-born Canterlot pony. His mother, a pegasus called Gust, insisted that Gale had to be born in Cloudsdale to "feel the real wind in his wings." Nevertheless, she moved in with Gale’s father, Goldstein, a Canterlot aristocrat. Despite their residence being in the capitol, Gale still frequently visited his family in Cloudsdale, went to Junior Speedsters and lived the life of a normal young Cloudsdale pegasus. However, his father tried to make him more like himself – high-class.
Young Gale didn’t like being tied down with rules like that – like most young pegasi, he yearned for wind in his wings and a vast sky to fly through. This led to some problems with Gale’s father, naturally. Gale’s mother – a free spirit herself – supported her son instead.
As Gale got older, he – like most of his peers – wished to be admitted to the Wonderbolts. While a competent flier, he wasn’t anything extra. Nevertheless, he tried hard, trained and pushed himself to the limit. He even moved back to Cloudsdale so he could devote all his free time to practice.
During the Wonderbolt’s try-outs – a large lap through and around Cloudsdale – everything changed. At first, Gale’s agility and hours of training won him the first spot, but he soon found himself competing against a faster, stronger opponent, Blaze. Gale pushed himself like he never did, almost reaching supersonic speed. However, the track was mainly plotted with agility in mind. In a sharp turn, Gale lost control and crashed to a building.
The young pegasus was hurt during the accident. Not only he broke his wing, but he lost his left eye. His wing healed, but not perfectly. Coupled with the eye injury, Gale was shamed and broken. He knew he could never make it into the Wonderbolts now.
The pegasuse moved back to Canterlot, pondering the meaning of his life. He was rescued from his depression by his old schoolmate, Fleur. The pony shared his dream of joining the Royal Guard and insisted Gale would be a welcome addition as well. Reluctantly, Gale agreed.
The two friends trained together, quickly rekindling the almost-forgotten friendship of their youth. Eventually, they both got admitted, being mistaken for brothers at times.
Even with a promising career in the Guard, Gale sometimes still finds himself thinking what life could have been were it not for his injury.
Could he have been a Wonderbolt?

Would he have won the race?

But more importantly, would Fleur still become his best friend?

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 23 )

Ooooh...

I'm so tempted to put an image of cyclops pony here now :rainbowwild:

It felt like I read the story in the description...

5419249 but I will read the first chapter anyway

Interesting so far.
Minor typos (but who am I to complain about that...)

Just the end felt a bit rushed (not the action part - the very end). Changeling mare? Mare in disguise? Wait what now?! This is a... important twist. I mean - he was saved by a changeling?! What bothers me at this point in the story is, that it don't seem to bother any character in the story.

I mean - the latest thought of Gale, describing it as pathetic. This, I found, was very irritating. Shouldn't he be like "WOAH? Say WHAT?! A changeling? Here in Cloudsdale?! And it saved me?" The same goes for the other characters. I imagine you will set this irritation later in the story. But the lack of it in this chapter, feels a bit off.

But all in all, I am curious where this story will go.

5441373 okay, I understand.:applejackunsure: I will edit this as I go. thanks for your advice.:twilightsmile:

5441376 Okay. Lets start from the beginning. It was an interesting and captivating start. It helped us become emotionally connected to Gale. however as we continued I found that the pacing became a little erratic. One moment we're here, the next we're there. There weren't enough leads to direct us from place to place. Sometimes things happened a bit too quickly than they should have.

Next I would say is sentence structuring in dialogue

"Hey Gust." Teased Blaze. "Could you fly any slower? Even I could fly faster than that!"
"Oh yeah?" Said Gale irritated.

Should be structured as:
"Hey Gust," teased Blaze. "Could you fly any slower? Even I could fly faster than that!"

"Oh yeah?" said Gale slightly annoyed.

then there was the over use of sometimes unnecessary and redundant words.

"Alright you rookies, we test your speed and dexterity here. Most important is agility here. I want to see some serious skills here, and not some lazy lollygagger. Go let's see what you can do. ....NOW!!" Shouted Spitfire.

Would flow better if written like this. (Just an example, you don't have to write it like this word for word)

"Alright you rookies, this is where we test your speed and dexterity," announced Spitfire. "Above all is agility. I want to see some serious flying and no lollygagging." Spitfire paused to survey them all one last time. "Now, Let's see what you can do... GO!"

All in all it seems like quite a sound premise and I look forward to seeing you improve on this story.

this isn't all that bad. i shall be keeping an eye on this.

Write more soon

"You were outnumbered." said Arrow slightly amused. "Unshakable? I think not. Work on it Starboard."

they never said anything about this in the manual "how to be a guard" :fluttershbad:

Okay... it's an interesting premise. There just seems to be formatting issues with the text, a few grammatical issues as well, might I recommend Grammarly, there's a free version of it that will catch most of the critical grammar and spelling mistakes, and maybe reach out to someone for helping with formatting. I volunteer myself. If you have a google doc of this, you can pm me the link with the editing or suggestion feature and I can point the areas of the formatting concerns and how to adjust so that it's more visible appealing and flows better for reading.

Hey amazing chapter but I just want to say that blaze is amare not a stallion but other than that that was amazing chapter I love it I know I am late I just made a new account because I forgot the password for my old one so yeah I am late but that was amazing chapter thanks

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