- Member Since 1st Dec, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 16th, 2017
saltybedspackle
I really have no idea what I'm doing. Just got a wild hair and decided to write a story. I've discovered my creativity is fueled by green thumbs and conversational comments...also a few beers.
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saltybedspackle · 182k words · 652 58 · 7.9k views
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Um...Not bad...I like it.
Just need more words that all.
I like
5337837
Thanks, I'm trying not to rush it and post something terrible.
I've started chapter two already.
Not a bad start. I'll see where this goes for now.
entertaining,will give him a chance XD
I just have one issue.
red
orange
scootaloo
Can you see my problem?
Not so sure what to think about this story... I'm not a fan of "sexual" themed stories. I wait for the next chapter for a decision.
One answer will determine if I give this a try is there clopping?
5340959
I'm sure it will get there.
5339994
noted and corrected.
Thank you.
5342587
missed at least 1, also colors don't get capitalized.
Alright, worth tracking for now. Your skipping huge points though. It's a sad cliche' but for some reason human wakes up in Equestria and sees things odd but doesn't really get fazed by it all. I mean, no need to be excessive about the reaction, but SOME reaction would be expected unless this is normal for the human. This would only be possible with a human from a fantasy universe. Although, I do like the concept your trying to get to, I think your a bit eager to get there. It seems that the MC knows more than he should, and that's a problem. Because last I checked, omniscience wasn't in his list of abilities. :/
Alright... that's totally NOT my kind of story. I stopped as Mason and Scootaloo talked about to "rut".
You should write a warning in the description. That's why I give a thumb down.
5345244
The Mature and Sex tag aren't enough?
5345249 There are CHILDREN involved. So... no. It's not enough. I don't like where the story is going.
This is my honest opinion to the story.
5345287
No problem. Take care and thank you for stopping by.
5345305 Alright. And good luck with your story.
Is it even possible to die from happiness? no really I'm curious! There are incidents where excess negative emotions causes the body to slowly shut down,but can positive do the same?
I look forward to your next update.
i.imgur.com/cCWdVGg.gif
OH FUCK FUCK FFUUUCCKKKK...
Dammit I LOVE IT! I will track is STORY!
Alright, I'm interested now. You've presented a plausible explanation for the MC not having any crazy reactions and also given a bit of an excuse for his behavior. I'm curious to see where you take this. Looking forward to more! :D
Thank you for taking time to comment.
I'm glad people are enjoying it and I've started chapter 3.
One small issue:
"“Hey.. ya’ll don’t have a cutie mark either!” "
busybeevacations.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/all-yall.jpg
5345659
It's magic, ya don't have to explain shit.
High on Equestria? That's a new one to me.
um....not bad.
Please continue. I thought it was good.
Moar. MOAR.
The story isn't bad, but you really need both editors and especially prereaders. Prereaders will help catch the problems with the story itself, which are more numerous than the grammar issues (though I'm far from an expert in that field). For example; Rainbow Dash associating bipedal posture with evil just because of Discord when she hangs out with Spike doesn't make sense. Another one, Twilight would never, never, never refer to her friends so impersonally as calling them "the Elements of Harmony". It makes it sound like that's all they are to her as opposed to her best friends. Third, Twilight's conclusion that they have to give Mason magic is far too abrupt. Why is that the only solution? Why not send him back? How does she know giving him magic will save him and not kill him faster, seeing as magic is the source of his impending doom in the first place? How does she know they even can give him magic?
I'll still follow the story, but you really should try to address these issues.
5354027
The first two are pretty small. Discord is a source of trouble and Rainbow was connecting possible trouble with two legs. As far as Twilight goes, that's a matter of interpretation.
The human can't be sent back because, as it was explained in chapter 2 the portal can't be opened until next winter wrap up... presumably some time from the present.
Twilight pulls random magic solutions out of her tail all the time because she's a ravenous reader. It was mentioned she studied humans and their world extensively.
But thank you for taking time to comment and I will keep your suggestions in mind
5354749 Making an assumption on someone being evil based on how many legs they have still seems petty. Besides, she has much more experience with good bipeds than evil ones. After all, Iron Will was also a good guy, just a little misguided. He was genuinely trying to help ponies that keep getting pushed around learn to stand up for themselves, and seeing as Fluttershy was the only one to act like a total bitch after, it seems to work for the most part.
As for the portal only being possible twice a year, well, we know that but Twi isn't talking to us. Keep in mind not only what the reader knows, but what the characters know. At that moment, Twilight's friends are completely in the dark about why they aren't just zapping this creature back home.
Finally, giving the human magic to save him, well sure she's been studying them, but just studying something doesn't give you all the answers. Also, it has the same problem as before, we know she was studying humans, but her friends don't. They're still in the dark.
Keep writing bruh, I'm loving it.
5368302 I know right Link? But this is gonna be good in future.
Very good. One small grammar thing, the ellipses should always be "..." (3 periods), not less or more. Otherwise, look forward to the next chapter!
Much better. It can still use a bit, but you're obviously improving. I have a couple questions, though. For one, I see you're making the ponies bigger. In the show an adult pony is about 3 and a half feet tall, as shown here:
mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_04_2012/post-37-0-40830900-1334793142.png (I recommend right-clicking and opening in a new window)
That puts their eye level at the belly. The reason I bring this up is because at nearly five foot, as you've portrayed here, that would put a pony at no less than 500 pounds and 8 foot on their hind legs. This would make the more intimate moments between Mason and an adult pony lover very awkward.
The second reason I bring up their height is Scootaloo in relation to Fluttershy. Scoots is much closer to in height to Shy than she is in the show. I would guess she's older, around 12-13 years old. If that's the case, I would recommend not making her and her friends blank flanks still. They are around 8 in the show, and are some of the last, if not THE last, foals in their class without their cutie marks. It's highly unlikely they would still be blank after another 4 years.
I know this is a rather long winded post, and I apologies. I just see a whole lot of potential here and would like to see it come to light. If you'd like, I can help with prereading, giving advice and suggestions before you release the chapters.
5370696
I'm flattered that people, you included, have taken the time to not only read my story but also take the time and effort to hold it up to the high standards of the serious contributors in the community instead of treating it like a random mature themed story.
I really started this on a whim, but I've discovered that a much larger story was hidden here and I need to see it finished. I'm afraid that I may be too far along to change some of these details, but I will keep this information in mind should I start another story.
5373957 My offer stands. If you'd like some help, just let me know.
I fear this poor kid will lost virgin soon.
It seems every chapter you show a bit more improvement. Keep it up
Adorable. Loving how this is coming along, looking forward to reading more.
Another great chapter. I can't wait for more.
Yeah... i think something gonna happen soon. and epic fun.
Alright, really was hoping that the pacing would slow down a bit after he got his senses back. This was not to be I suppose. I'm dropping this. And yes, it's because of the pacing. It's an unrealistically fast paced development. I don't even care that they're both young and dumb. The fact of the matter is that this pace makes the entire fic seem like a self-insert (which it might be). I wish you the best in your endeavors though!
Everything I enjoy about pony fiction in a single, fairly well written story? Hell yeah! Have a like and a fav.
The only thing I don't like about this story is the pony size, bit to big for my liking. But that's just personal preference, otherwise this is awesome!
5389635
I understand. Thank you for giving my first story a chance and I hope you will give any future stories I write a read.
well....
sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/wow-that-escalated-quickly.png
Fixed a few minor grammar issues in chapter 7.
Thanks for your input everyone and I'm glad most of you are liking it.
She's got it bad.
5401460
indeed.
Is it weird I find a small bit of amusement from her getting all exited seeing that?
Then again, I know I am weird and not your normal person...