The story isn't bad, but you really need both editors and especially prereaders. Prereaders will help catch the problems with the story itself, which are more numerous than the grammar issues (though I'm far from an expert in that field). For example; Rainbow Dash associating bipedal posture with evil just because of Discord when she hangs out with Spike doesn't make sense. Another one, Twilight would never, never, never refer to her friends so impersonally as calling them "the Elements of Harmony". It makes it sound like that's all they are to her as opposed to her best friends. Third, Twilight's conclusion that they have to give Mason magic is far too abrupt. Why is that the only solution? Why not send him back? How does she know giving him magic will save him and not kill him faster, seeing as magic is the source of his impending doom in the first place? How does she know they even can give him magic?
I'll still follow the story, but you really should try to address these issues.
The first two are pretty small. Discord is a source of trouble and Rainbow was connecting possible trouble with two legs. As far as Twilight goes, that's a matter of interpretation.
The human can't be sent back because, as it was explained in chapter 2 the portal can't be opened until next winter wrap up... presumably some time from the present.
Twilight pulls random magic solutions out of her tail all the time because she's a ravenous reader. It was mentioned she studied humans and their world extensively.
But thank you for taking time to comment and I will keep your suggestions in mind
5354749 Making an assumption on someone being evil based on how many legs they have still seems petty. Besides, she has much more experience with good bipeds than evil ones. After all, Iron Will was also a good guy, just a little misguided. He was genuinely trying to help ponies that keep getting pushed around learn to stand up for themselves, and seeing as Fluttershy was the only one to act like a total bitch after, it seems to work for the most part.
As for the portal only being possible twice a year, well, we know that but Twi isn't talking to us. Keep in mind not only what the reader knows, but what the characters know. At that moment, Twilight's friends are completely in the dark about why they aren't just zapping this creature back home.
Finally, giving the human magic to save him, well sure she's been studying them, but just studying something doesn't give you all the answers. Also, it has the same problem as before, we know she was studying humans, but her friends don't. They're still in the dark.
Damn Ponies to Racist for there on Good. Oh and Ponies F**k You, they did not even bother learning about the humans terms on appendages and that as ignorant, another racist point for even thinking that just because Earth dos not have any magic that its sad and cruel place! So F**k you ponies!
Twilight then asked Rainbow Dash to continue and bring them up to where the current situation was. Once the tale was done, Twilight took over. "Alright, we have to use the elements of harmony to give the human magic. It's the only way to save him."
I hate to ruin this scene... but I’m pretty sure that that’s not how the elements of Harmony work...
9220920 Well if the elements of harmony can take magic from tirek and give it back to a pony why can't they give a human magic and allow him to adapt to having magic.
Also the mane 6 Equestria girls were able to absorb magic from a single element of harmony so it is possible.
um....not bad.
Please continue. I thought it was good.
Moar. MOAR.
The story isn't bad, but you really need both editors and especially prereaders. Prereaders will help catch the problems with the story itself, which are more numerous than the grammar issues (though I'm far from an expert in that field). For example; Rainbow Dash associating bipedal posture with evil just because of Discord when she hangs out with Spike doesn't make sense. Another one, Twilight would never, never, never refer to her friends so impersonally as calling them "the Elements of Harmony". It makes it sound like that's all they are to her as opposed to her best friends. Third, Twilight's conclusion that they have to give Mason magic is far too abrupt. Why is that the only solution? Why not send him back? How does she know giving him magic will save him and not kill him faster, seeing as magic is the source of his impending doom in the first place? How does she know they even can give him magic?
I'll still follow the story, but you really should try to address these issues.
5354027
The first two are pretty small. Discord is a source of trouble and Rainbow was connecting possible trouble with two legs. As far as Twilight goes, that's a matter of interpretation.
The human can't be sent back because, as it was explained in chapter 2 the portal can't be opened until next winter wrap up... presumably some time from the present.
Twilight pulls random magic solutions out of her tail all the time because she's a ravenous reader. It was mentioned she studied humans and their world extensively.
But thank you for taking time to comment and I will keep your suggestions in mind
5354749 Making an assumption on someone being evil based on how many legs they have still seems petty. Besides, she has much more experience with good bipeds than evil ones. After all, Iron Will was also a good guy, just a little misguided. He was genuinely trying to help ponies that keep getting pushed around learn to stand up for themselves, and seeing as Fluttershy was the only one to act like a total bitch after, it seems to work for the most part.
As for the portal only being possible twice a year, well, we know that but Twi isn't talking to us. Keep in mind not only what the reader knows, but what the characters know. At that moment, Twilight's friends are completely in the dark about why they aren't just zapping this creature back home.
Finally, giving the human magic to save him, well sure she's been studying them, but just studying something doesn't give you all the answers. Also, it has the same problem as before, we know she was studying humans, but her friends don't. They're still in the dark.
Damn Ponies to Racist for there on Good. Oh and Ponies F**k You, they did not even bother learning about the humans terms on appendages and that as ignorant, another racist point for even thinking that just because Earth dos not have any magic that its sad and cruel place! So F**k you ponies!
5577879 .... just one thing to say to that.
30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lo7mrf7v4X1qhv9nho1_500.gif
They aren't that bad. Fear towards the unknown is a logical response to that situation. It's not racist to fear a human if they have never met one.
Wth did i just.read omg...i am scared for life
Awesome story so far
....straight to Hell....
5734352 eeyup
The fun has begun!
That was a awesome read.
Help I can't go back. \(;o;\)
5577879 If you could phrase this in legible english, please.
Err... hawt? I guess...
I'm going to hell, I'll save seats for everyone.
Just what I was waiting for!
7854675 Let's all go to hell on a fancy private bus, we'll split the price
DIALING 666
"Hello, this is Lucifer Airways. How may we help you?"
"Uhh, yes, I would like one business class flight from Equestria to Hell please?"
"Of course, your flight will be in two seconds. Enjoy your trip!"
"Thank y-"
BZZZZZZT
Ah, human-length cycles, right...
"He was big, probably would be taller than her by a head at least if he was up on those two stilts she imagined were his only legs."
You know it's not My little pony, nope it's My smallish horses.
I hate to ruin this scene... but I’m pretty sure that that’s not how the elements of Harmony work...
9220920
Well if the elements of harmony can take magic from tirek and give it back to a pony why can't they give a human magic and allow him to adapt to having magic.
Also the mane 6 Equestria girls were able to absorb magic from a single element of harmony so it is possible.
You have to play Dis Chord, not That Chord! Heh, it's the little things that amuse me the most sometimes.
Decent story so far.
It's WHOA.
Going too fast, author. He literally just got there & it already feels like you're already putting those two in the same bed.