Alright, worth tracking for now. Your skipping huge points though. It's a sad cliche' but for some reason human wakes up in Equestria and sees things odd but doesn't really get fazed by it all. I mean, no need to be excessive about the reaction, but SOME reaction would be expected unless this is normal for the human. This would only be possible with a human from a fantasy universe. Although, I do like the concept your trying to get to, I think your a bit eager to get there. It seems that the MC knows more than he should, and that's a problem. Because last I checked, omniscience wasn't in his list of abilities. :/
5350286 Someone understands!!! I live in Tennessee and I don't have a country accent but I was eventually able to get the lingo of the place. Only downside is I happen to sound a bit smarter than everyone else.
5350286 not just limited to the south... it really should be called country grammar. i'm from rural south-central Iowa, and you'll hear a LOT of this in small towns and in the country.
That... is a really weird error. You put the 'i' from 'cutiemark' in 'crusaders'.
I quickly tried to asses where
More than one ass?! If there are multiple donkeys in the CMC's clubhouse then you should probably assess the situation quickly before you get crushed.
noticing the 3 small forms to my right.
*smack* No! Bad author! We spell our numbers out in proper English like civilized beings, not txtspeak like a brainless loler.
with a bow in its mane
*pokes author in the forehead* Proper form of its/it's, have a gold star. No you don't have a choice... I superglued it to your forehead.
The most confusing thing were the features that two of them had.
Everything has features. There should really be an 'extra' before features because as it stands just 'features' is vague enough to make this sentence meaningless.
The white one had a small horn on her forehead
And you have a gold star on yours, don't judge.
“It’s awake” the orange one said quietly out of the corner of its muzzle.
“Do you think it can talk?” the white one squeaked.
“Do you think it can hear us?” the yellow one with the bow whispered.
"Way to point out the obvious orangey.
"Clearly.
"Nope, I'm just guessing... three time guessing champion of Holsen County!"
like I'd had a couple of beers and was getting to that zone when you felt like everything was A-OK.
“It CAN hear us!” the white one said. “Are you ok? What are you? Are you hurt? Why do you have no hair?” “Are you a boy?” it asked in rapid fire succession.
Why did you throw two quotation marks into the middle of that dialogue?
“Every pony knows how to talk by the time their 2!”
Don't make me tear that star off! 'Their' is possessive, the contraction of 'they are' is 'they're'... and another damn number!
“I’m Sweetie Belle” the white one said
With no punctuation!
Ok, I'm done. No more error pointing out or silly comment making, because switching between computer and tablet like this is a pain.
Almost 200,000 words into this multiple book tale and someone yanks my attention back to my first cruddy chapter that I thought would be red voted into oblivion and has needed some attention for a while.
I like the decision to go with something messing with the main guy's head. I mean he is in a different world with magic and probably different air so being a bit trippy is to be expected till the body adjusts to everything. Good call on your part man like it.
I'm more than a bit creeped out by Scootaloo's fascination with Mason's genitals. I'm not reading any more of this until the author tells me that this is NOT a foalcon story. If it is, then I am done. EDIT: Nevermind. I just saw the bottom of the description. I'm done. Downvoted.
Comment posted by deathcombo99 deleted Jul 27th, 2016
Um...Not bad...I like it.
Just need more words that all.
I like
5337837
Thanks, I'm trying not to rush it and post something terrible.
I've started chapter two already.
Not a bad start. I'll see where this goes for now.
entertaining,will give him a chance XD
I just have one issue.
red
orange
scootaloo
Can you see my problem?
Not so sure what to think about this story... I'm not a fan of "sexual" themed stories. I wait for the next chapter for a decision.
One answer will determine if I give this a try is there clopping?
5340959
I'm sure it will get there.
5339994
noted and corrected.
Thank you.
5342587
missed at least 1, also colors don't get capitalized.
Alright, worth tracking for now. Your skipping huge points though. It's a sad cliche' but for some reason human wakes up in Equestria and sees things odd but doesn't really get fazed by it all. I mean, no need to be excessive about the reaction, but SOME reaction would be expected unless this is normal for the human. This would only be possible with a human from a fantasy universe. Although, I do like the concept your trying to get to, I think your a bit eager to get there. It seems that the MC knows more than he should, and that's a problem. Because last I checked, omniscience wasn't in his list of abilities. :/
One small issue:
"“Hey.. ya’ll don’t have a cutie mark either!” "
busybeevacations.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/all-yall.jpg
5350286 Someone understands!!! I live in Tennessee and I don't have a country accent but I was eventually able to get the lingo of the place. Only downside is I happen to sound a bit smarter than everyone else.
5350286 not just limited to the south... it really should be called country grammar.
i'm from rural south-central Iowa, and you'll hear a LOT of this in small towns and in the country.
That... is a really weird error. You put the 'i' from 'cutiemark' in 'crusaders'.
More than one ass?! If there are multiple donkeys in the CMC's clubhouse then you should probably assess the situation quickly before you get crushed.
*smack* No! Bad author! We spell our numbers out in proper English like civilized beings, not txtspeak like a brainless loler.
*pokes author in the forehead* Proper form of its/it's, have a gold star. No you don't have a choice... I superglued it to your forehead.
Everything has features. There should really be an 'extra' before features because as it stands just 'features' is vague enough to make this sentence meaningless.
And you have a gold star on yours, don't judge.
"Way to point out the obvious orangey.
"Clearly.
"Nope, I'm just guessing... three time guessing champion of Holsen County!"
Beer is bad mmkay. Eighteen-year-olds shouldn't drink beer mmkay.
quickmeme.com/img/fb/fbf4b4cec57436440cb2e50d3817e7d8006f59b1bce7f4be94385b2a4d73722e.jpg
Why did you throw two quotation marks into the middle of that dialogue?
Don't make me tear that star off! 'Their' is possessive, the contraction of 'they are' is 'they're'... and another damn number!
With no punctuation!
Ok, I'm done. No more error pointing out or silly comment making, because switching between computer and tablet like this is a pain.
5601164
Almost 200,000 words into this multiple book tale and someone yanks my attention back to my first cruddy chapter that I thought would be red voted into oblivion and has needed some attention for a while.
I love you.
5601164
CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS GOLD STAR REMOVERS *Riiiiiip*
*blinks* Cutiemark Crusaders Human Molesters...
This is a curious start.
5350286 On the contrary my friend, she is referring to all of him
I like the decision to go with something messing with the main guy's head. I mean he is in a different world with magic and probably different air so being a bit trippy is to be expected till the body adjusts to everything. Good call on your part man like it.
5709072
I love it so far can't wait to see whats next.
5974646 Nah,that's just undiluted air/oxygen.Duh.:p
Can't tell if she's saying Mac is bigger or Mason....
I'm more than a bit creeped out by Scootaloo's fascination with Mason's genitals. I'm not reading any more of this until the author tells me that this is NOT a foalcon story. If it is, then I am done.
EDIT: Nevermind. I just saw the bottom of the description. I'm done. Downvoted.
6452579 yeppers, check out this shit
6728191
I believe the possessive is indicating Big Mac's
6728191
you aint concerned about how exactly she might know how big her brothers is?!?
Don't worry about that weird fuzzy feeling, Mason. It's just the Magic introducing itself to you, you'll clear up in no time!
You broke me. Not because I couldn't imagine this, but because I have experienced it happening firsthand. (Though not from a pegasus.)
9945842
its been so long since i read this story its been a few years but to be back reading this story from the beginning again is a new experience
Just started reading this and am crossing my fingers that somepony has finally gave scootaloo the love she deserves
Then he doubled over in pain saying, “Why?”
lol
This is my all-time favorite series of stories for foalcon. I hope one day you'll finish it