Much better. It can still use a bit, but you're obviously improving. I have a couple questions, though. For one, I see you're making the ponies bigger. In the show an adult pony is about 3 and a half feet tall, as shown here: mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_04_2012/post-37-0-40830900-1334793142.png (I recommend right-clicking and opening in a new window) That puts their eye level at the belly. The reason I bring this up is because at nearly five foot, as you've portrayed here, that would put a pony at no less than 500 pounds and 8 foot on their hind legs. This would make the more intimate moments between Mason and an adult pony lover very awkward.
The second reason I bring up their height is Scootaloo in relation to Fluttershy. Scoots is much closer to in height to Shy than she is in the show. I would guess she's older, around 12-13 years old. If that's the case, I would recommend not making her and her friends blank flanks still. They are around 8 in the show, and are some of the last, if not THE last, foals in their class without their cutie marks. It's highly unlikely they would still be blank after another 4 years.
I know this is a rather long winded post, and I apologies. I just see a whole lot of potential here and would like to see it come to light. If you'd like, I can help with prereading, giving advice and suggestions before you release the chapters.
I'm flattered that people, you included, have taken the time to not only read my story but also take the time and effort to hold it up to the high standards of the serious contributors in the community instead of treating it like a random mature themed story.
I really started this on a whim, but I've discovered that a much larger story was hidden here and I need to see it finished. I'm afraid that I may be too far along to change some of these details, but I will keep this information in mind should I start another story.
5373957 i can't tell if your being sarcastic or not with being flattered by that comment was sarcastic or not. I dont even know why i care, this doesn't change the fact that in the 5 months with at least 4-5 hours of reading a day i have not yet come across a "human in equestria" story that even comes close to rivaling this.
I noticed that you keep using Applejack's name as two words when it is only one. You might wanna fix that, however I must compliment you for realizing that Apple Bloom is in fact two words. That's common mistake people have made myself included.
I love this human in Equestria story I've read some and this is the first non-brony one I've seen. Poor Mason has no bucking idea where he is an I love it.
Keep writing bruh, I'm loving it.
5368302 I know right Link? But this is gonna be good in future.
Very good. One small grammar thing, the ellipses should always be "..." (3 periods), not less or more. Otherwise, look forward to the next chapter!
Much better. It can still use a bit, but you're obviously improving. I have a couple questions, though. For one, I see you're making the ponies bigger. In the show an adult pony is about 3 and a half feet tall, as shown here:
mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_04_2012/post-37-0-40830900-1334793142.png (I recommend right-clicking and opening in a new window)
That puts their eye level at the belly. The reason I bring this up is because at nearly five foot, as you've portrayed here, that would put a pony at no less than 500 pounds and 8 foot on their hind legs. This would make the more intimate moments between Mason and an adult pony lover very awkward.
The second reason I bring up their height is Scootaloo in relation to Fluttershy. Scoots is much closer to in height to Shy than she is in the show. I would guess she's older, around 12-13 years old. If that's the case, I would recommend not making her and her friends blank flanks still. They are around 8 in the show, and are some of the last, if not THE last, foals in their class without their cutie marks. It's highly unlikely they would still be blank after another 4 years.
I know this is a rather long winded post, and I apologies. I just see a whole lot of potential here and would like to see it come to light. If you'd like, I can help with prereading, giving advice and suggestions before you release the chapters.
5370696
I'm flattered that people, you included, have taken the time to not only read my story but also take the time and effort to hold it up to the high standards of the serious contributors in the community instead of treating it like a random mature themed story.
I really started this on a whim, but I've discovered that a much larger story was hidden here and I need to see it finished. I'm afraid that I may be too far along to change some of these details, but I will keep this information in mind should I start another story.
5373957 My offer stands. If you'd like some help, just let me know.
5375638 really? Wow... Just wow...
5373957 i can't tell if your being sarcastic or not with being flattered by that comment was sarcastic or not. I dont even know why i care, this doesn't change the fact that in the 5 months with at least 4-5 hours of reading a day i have not yet come across a "human in equestria" story that even comes close to rivaling this.
I noticed that you keep using Applejack's name as two words when it is only one. You might wanna fix that, however I must compliment you for realizing that Apple Bloom is in fact two words. That's common mistake people have made myself included.
I love this human in Equestria story I've read some and this is the first non-brony one I've seen. Poor Mason has no bucking idea where he is an I love it.
Fluttershy's eyes are blue.
i.imgur.com/mSFXk2a.gif
This was a awesome and sweet read ,I hope he makes a herd.
*Where
5611198
Actually, bud, they're a aqua.