Ozzy Shore, one of the first human settlers in Equestria, starts his new life as Fleur de Lis' new secretary. How will he handle difficult obstacles like his close-minded manager, and living under Canterlot's uptight, social norms?
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Right at the beginning, you might want to replace notepad with laptop. Even if he is using a Notepad type of laptop, it's generally a clearer picture if you just say what it is.
That aside, the characters are revealing secrets soon after they meet each other, similar to CaL. However! Given that this is planned to be a much shorter story that takes place over much less time, the pacing is effective enough. Even so, I rather doubt Ozzy would reveal all that in a public restaurant where absolutely anyone can hear him.
Fixed
That...
FRAGGING...!
CLIFFHANGER!
Honestly, I first thought this was going to be a romance with Fleur, but now with this chapter. Can't help feeling it might be with Shining instead.
Hmm. Putting an ice berg to shame? If he probably somehow incorporated the pun, the tardy cannibal gets the cold shoulder.
This chapter was incredibly emotive. I really hope that the next chapter comes soon as I want to see the friendship between Star and Fleur fixed and maybe find out about how relationships are in Equestria.
4789392 Or both. Or perhaps in this situation has the ultimate out come of Shiny becoming more like her old self that was described in this chapter. It's hard to say at this point obviously. I just know I'm sticking around for it all, because this story is good.
4789710
Agreed.
4789383
4789392 I agree with you but we'll have to wait and find out in the next chapter.
Drama!!
Really interesting chapter with some nice developments. I can't wait to see what else comes to light in the next chapter and how things go between Shining and Ozzy.
Why are you skipping over the juicy stressful parts? That is where the best story parts come from! Like pinkie pie without cupcakes!
4790424 I can only take up so much space with how much I want to write. Don't worry though, something will come soon.
4790793 I know, I don't want to stress you, but there was the main reason for looking at this... To see his reactions to those situations.
4786441 Just saying if you look closely hes preparing the meals and as such they are at home!
4791248 Well you'll probably love what will happen next then.
4791399 I had the setting at a different location before. It was a public restaurant, and I changed it to Fleur's home once he pointed it out.
Heh heh, where indeed, hmm?
4791411 Ah ok.
Do you need any bodyguards?
4792598 Uh... What?
4792662 For the story. Sorry, I had a long day.
4792662 Also, have a idea for a cover:
derpicdn.net/img/2013/8/7/393761/full.png
4792706 Ah, gotcha. As for the pic, it's not really a kind of quality I'm into, plus I'm not much of a fan for this guy's work. Thanks anyway though.
4792801 Your welcome. What about the guard?
4792853 I don't think Fleur is in need of a body guard at the moment. Plus, there's security in the places she goes for business, so it's not like she'll be completely vulnerable.
Indeed.
You know I kinda like how when the main protagonist goes off on a tangent to think about things for too long the characters start taking notice.
4792863 Ok, loads saves me the trouble of trying to think of Concealed weapons
Perverted question how big are her breast? ;-)
4794492 Classified until further notice.
4794636 ouch
This story is quite the peasant experience to read. please keep up the good work ^^
make it polygamy
The chapter was good as always, but just one note: You should have described the photoshoot itself: How Fleur poses and what her ravishing body looks in in every angle and detail.
I could only imagine that she looked like this in her swimwear:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/4/23/608038__solo_anthro_solo+female_suggestive_belly+button_tongue+out_bikini_beach_fleur-dash-de-dash-lis_towel.jpeg
4810140 Well the meeting at Maretoria's Secret was just that, explaining details abut Fleur's future appointment for a photo shoot in their swim wear for their summer catalog. And then at Equestrian Eagle, it was just a bunch of summer themed clothing, not much else. Sun dresses, skirts, shoes, hats, pretty much everything except bikinis.
Protip: italics are much more effective ways of emphasizing than allcaps.
4814406
Agreed.. Doctor.
So, how are the other Generals treating you? Still giving them their.. medicine?
I'm sure that's gonna come in handy later
5135164 heheheheheh
Word? Excel?
WHY ARE HUMANS ALLOWED CONTAMINATED EQUESTRIA WITH DIRTY CLOSED, PROPRIETARY INFRASTRUCTURES?
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/infrastructures.png
At the begining of that scean, it was said that they where at Fleur's house and that he was making lunch.
Also, and this is not mentioned to be an insult, but are you a none native English speaker? I ask this because I see alot of the same mistakes I used to make while I was learning English. If so, you should probably get your self an editor, alot of the sentence are kind of awkward...
7042960 I'll take a look at it again when I get on my laptop, and no, English is my first language. This is just my much earlier work before I had more editors/proofreaders to look over my mistakes, mostly grammar and word usage. It's something I try to improve when I can, but English can still be a bitch sometimes, you know?
Shit got real between Fleur and Shining.
First off, it should be many, second off, there's actually a slightly higher rate of male birth to compensate for how males tend to die more.
Should be employers, unless she's giving him a sense of superiority by putting him down.
matriarchal.