- Member Since 5th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Saturday
DeviousNights
Ya boy DN is back, start expecting new stories in upcoming months. Just a guy who likes the show and many different anime
DeviousNights
Joined 5th Jul, 2014 ·
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- DeviousNights · 3.3k words · 42 10 · 1.3k views
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you're*
Yeah, sorry thought I had spell check on.
The details here are much better than in Fluttershy gets the Sharingan. We know what the characters are feeling and why they did certain things. The last story was more like a skeleton. It was a good skeleton that had everything where it needed to be, but there was a severe lack of the flesh and organs it would need to be called a complete body. The one thing it did have was heart as shown by your concern for how it turned out and how willing you were to correct your mistakes. It's good to see that it has carried over to this story.
One small problem that has carried over is the grammar. Just like before, it's never so bad that the story becomes hard to read, but there are still enough to be a bit distracting. I'm not including any spelling errors that seem to be the result of a spell-check feature. The most hilarious one I found in that category was this.
I didn't realize that Derpy was a computer virus the whole time. That does explain why she spread so quickly. I believe the word you were trying to use was 'mailmare.' Also, I don't think you need to emphasize Derpy's name here. I may be forgetting one of the more obscure rules of grammar when I say that, but there are enough of those things lying around to choke a whale.
The story itself is also pretty good. You could have copied the idea of the Sharingan appearing after Rarity went through a lot of stress, but this approach makes it feel like you're putting genuine effort in to keep the storyline/universe varied. That kind of thinking is important in making a crossover story work. A lazy writer trying to make a crossover story just seems like someone mixing up the elements of two shows they like in order to fulfill their own wishes instead of making a genuinely good story. I think I've established that you actually care about the quality of your work, so I don't think there will be much to worry about on this front. One thing I noticed is that the Sharingan has only shown things falling on someone's head whenever they cause a vision. Are we sure Fluttershy and Rarity haven't just acquired the Pinkie Sense and severely bloodshot eyes?
In short, this story is much better than the last. It seems to me like you're taking the elements that were flawed from the last story and trying to fix them before you go ahead and make a large central storyline. This is a good idea. The only way to improve is to practice, and this method keeps you from repeating the same mistakes when you get around to writing a larger storyline. The characters are in character, the situation is handled with a bit of creativity, and the details make it seem more complete. I only have one more thing to say; Sweetie's dry and knowing questioning of Rarity was hilarious. Dry humor is among the best humor. I look forward to the next update.
Thanks psychicbeagle. Honestly, I'm not sure why this one isn't as well received.
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I can imagine two reasons as to why fewer people read this one. The first is the change of who the central character is. The idea of Fluttershy, the most peaceful member of the Mane 6, getting one of the most destructive and painful abilities from media draws a few more curious readers than Rarity. People find it more intriguing when the character who goes through a painful experience is softer than those around them.
The second reason is an event I've named sequel decay. Readers check out the first story in the series in order to judge if it's one they would enjoy reading more of. The decay comes from the fact that not everyone who reads the first one will enjoy it, causing them to ignore any sequels or side stories posted for it. This keeps writers with potential from getting any better. I can see that there are problems with the story, but that's no excuse to walk away when it's clear that you simply need a small push in the right direction. I look forward to seeing how your writing improves and where the story will go from here.
Huh. Never thought of it that way. Mind helping me spread the word about this one? I was hoping to draw more readers, even though it's a sequel.
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I'm not the most persuasive of advertisers out there, but I'll see what I can do. The task gets considerably harder when the total count of friends in real life who watch the show is zero. Oh well, I always like a good challenge.
Thanks, friend. Anymore concerns? The next chapter should come out in about 4 days, I'm trying to write slower to get better emphasis on the story.
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The only concern I have is that the picture for Fluttershy gets the Sharingan is currently staring at me from the Stories column on the right. It's creepy if you look at it too long. Red eyes, right up there with dark areas and sharp teeth for childhood nightmare starters.
As far as I'm concerned, a longer wait for a better story is a good trade. Rushing things out too quickly is how some of the most infamous works became so hated (I'm looking at you Sonic 06.) Besides, some of the stories I've been waiting for updates on have been sitting for several months. If I can wait that long, four days won't be much time at all. I'll keep my eyes open for the update.
What about the Rinnegan? Also, the Byakugan is useful, imagine seeing an mudslide coming your way? Or a timberwolf? Heck, or finding someone lost in the everfree could become easier with the byakygan. As for the rinnegan, it's got a ton of power, and every single application could be used rather well.
I like where this is going. The idea of the contacts actually being some form of blood transfer is interesting. It also has a bit more creativity than my original idea of what was happening. I had thought that the contacts were simply enchanted. It does raise the question of how Rarity's friend from the last chapter knew the guy who sold them.
I also like the villain. Madara is threatening and seems to enjoy being the bad guy here. Not as much as the likes of Discord, but it's clear he likes being an imposing figure that strikes fear in the hearts of others. I've yet to finish the Naruto anime (I just finished the race arc around episode 100), so I can't say if you took his character directly from the show yet. What I do know is that a ruthless, manipulative villain is fun to see in action. I look forward to seeing what kind of havoc he unleashes. He'll need something big hidden up those sleeves if he plans on surviving an enraged pair of unicorns known for swatting god-like beings out of the sky.
In short, this was a good chapter. The grammar is still off, but I can handle that so long as the story is interesting. Fluttershy's appearance at the end of the chapter tells me that the two stories are about to connect. I look forward to the next update.
I am now intrigued. Setting Madara up as an enemy of Celestia gives him a possible motive for trying to obtain advanced forms of the Sharingan. It's possible that he wants the full power of the technique in order to overthrow Celestia as the ruler of Equestria. If he doesn't want to lead Equestria, it could be a simple case of either revenge against Celestia for defeating him or a desire for power for its own sake. I do have to question how Madara could be old enough to have faced Discord. That was about a thousand years prior to the events in this story, meaning that in order to be present he would have to be an immortal of some variety. If this is the case, it would mean that Fluttershy would have inherited at least extreme longevity from him.
I won't complain about Dark Side being Fluttershy's brother, but I will warn you to be careful. Most cases of an OC being a relative of a main character (especially if that character is one of the mane 6) usually end with the OC being hated beyond all belief. The treatment is even worse for self insert characters of any kind. As I said before, I won't complain about it, but you should know that a move like this needs to be well thought out in order to keep possible readers from leaving the story. A good first step is making the backstory believable as to why Fluttershy didn't know about him. A good second step is keeping him from being too overpowered compared to the canon characters, but you should focus on the first step for now.
One more thing I noticed was an upgrade in grammar. There were fewer noticeable mistakes in this chapter compared to the first two. There were still plenty to be found, but the quality is definitely improving. Keep up the good work. I look forward to the next update.
Well, I still wouldn't say it's a self insert, I have another oc for that. He's just a mix of me and a few of my favorite game characters. So yeah, hopefully this won't make too much hate as it will play a large role later on.
You did a decent job of keeping Dark Side away from some of the reasons people hate OC's so much, but there was one pitfall you stumbled into. Using "You didn't ask" as an excuse for why someone's only mentioning something now never really fits in dramatic settings. That explanation fits much better in comedic works where flawed story concepts are mocked constantly. The only way I know of where it can be used in a serious story without making the audience frustrated is if the character saying it is about as intelligent as the average brick.
On the other hand, the explanation he was trying to give to Fluttershy had a much better set up as to why she didn't know about him. You said that Candy Apple was a kind hearted pony as opposed to their father and grandfather. My guess is that she was able to take Fluttershy and run either when she was still a baby or before she was born at all. Dark Side was left behind and remained in the care of Fusaku and Madara, which explains his darker personality traits, his slightly more menacing (though a bit clichéd) name, and how he was able to use the Sharingan at the end of the chapter.
His fight (and I use that term loosely) against Celestia avoided the biggest problem people have with OC's. The most hated OC's are usually overpowered when compared to canon characters. A bad OC would have wiped the floor with Celestia and Luna at the same time. This fight displayed what would actually happen to an average pony who tried to fight her, that is to say getting demolished within the first ten seconds. You got past two of the three mistakes most people make while writing an OC. There are more mistakes that could still be made, but you seem to understand that they all revolve around keeping him balanced with the canon characters. Now we just need a few clear character flaws and he'll have made it past the biggest complaints thrown at characters like him.
The grammar follows the pattern of being good enough not to block the reader's understanding of the story while still being noticeable. The two biggest errors repeated throughout this chapter are capitalization where it doesn't need to be and mixing up the use of 'your' and 'you're.' I'll fully admit to making the second mistake on several occasions. Just remember that 'your' is the possessive term and 'you're' stands for 'you are.'
Now that the issues I had are out of the way, I did enjoy this chapter. The storyline is moving at a decent speed and I'm still curious where it will go from here. You could have perfect grammar and flawless storytelling techniques, but the deciding factor for whether a story succeeds or not is if the storyline can keep the audience's interest.
Don't forget that there are more techniques you could take from Naruto besides the eye-bound skills passed through bloodlines. I've narrowed the list of characters who could use a few of the techniques down quite a bit, but the only ones I've narrowed down to only one character are Naruto's Shadow Clone jutsu and Rock Lee's control over the Chakra Gates. I believe Pinkie would be best suited for use of the Shadow Clone jutsu due to the unique fighting style she used in the episode Power Ponies. She relied heavily on quick confusion tactics to defeat the hoard of mooks. This style of fighting would be amplified greatly with several Pinkie's acting at the same time.
The Chakra Gate control fits Rainbow better than any other character that comes to mind. Her fighting style relies on speed and brute force, a perfect match of Lee's combat skills in the anime. Giving her the technique that boosts the physical capabilities of its user seems like the best choice. The final decision of who gets what power (assuming that you use this idea at all) is up to you. I'll let you know if any other lists get narrowed down to only one or two characters.
I'm still enjoying this story greatly. Unfortunately, my efforts to persuade others into reading this story have been less than successful so far. I'll keep working at it, but don't expect massive results any time soon. I look forward to the next update.
In response, he only said so kinda for comic relief. He's more of a Manipulative character, but since he is somewhat based of me and a few of my favorite villains in video games, he has a comical side. People just don't like it much
now as to the fight scene, I like it mostly because I was gonna originally have him banished to the moon, but then I thought that sounded kinda dumb considering only a god or goddess could survive up there. Oh yeah, others will have Naruto powers, trust me, but that's for another story. Well,maybe some this story.
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When you put it like that, I can kind of see how the excuse could work as a joke for a snarky jerk character. I suppose I'm used to characters with the Sharingan being cold and humorless at this point. The only one with both the Sharingan and a good sense of humor I've seen so far is Kakashi, but he only has one Sharingan eye. You can just consider the paragraph where I complained about it as me being hyper critical. May I ask who the villains you drew inspiration from are?
Well, they are from ace attorney. If you know what that is I could tell you easy.
Yeah, he's kinda a Kakashi guy. He's not always joking though, as seen in the last part. I guess you could say he's sort of a jerk. He kinda only cares about Rarity and anyone she's affiliated with, so he'll do whatever with anyone else so long as it furthers his goals.
I'm impressed. The grammar errors in this chapter were incredibly thin, and even then they were simple mistakes such as run on sentences and a few cases of mixing up contractions such as 'its' and 'it's.' The only other one that I noticed a few times was forgetting to put a space between a comma and the word that followed it. It looks like grammar shouldn't be too much of an issue from this point on, so now I can focus more on the story instead.
Dark Side's waking up scene is pretty well done. Its slow build on what is around him reflects what he would notice in order while his senses started working again. I do have to question how he knew that Celestia had been imprisoned. I was sure he had blacked out after getting hit by his reflected attack, and that was before Fluttershy freaked out on her. Just a small continuity error I noticed. This is, of course, assuming that he did get knocked out instantly.
One side effect of the clear grammar that I noticed is a greater appreciation for Dark Side's sense of humor. It's a lot easier to imagine how someone is saying something when the text it's coming from has very few or no flaws. This change of inflection makes his jokes much easier to see and enjoy.
Just like I predicted back during the first story, your work is improving. Either that or you got your hands on a decent editor, but I'll stay positive and assume that this is all your work with no middle man. It looks like there will be a fight scene next chapter, so I'll get a chance to judge your skill at longer combat sequences. I look forward to the next update.
Yeah, didn't get an editor yet. I'm starting to reconsider getting one, but it may be for the best. I tried to make him humorous while still having a dark backstory and, hence his name, a ' Dark side'
This fight scene is pretty good. My only complaint is that for someone who once stood against Celestia, Madara is a bit too weak here. It could be said that he's holding back so he doesn't accidently kill Rarity or Dark Side, but one would expect someone so infamously powerful to have a nonlethal way of dealing with his opponents. Perhaps the centuries haven't been all that kind to his strength. Either that or Celestia isn't as powerful as we think she is. Chrysalis did take care of her pretty easily during the Canterlot Wedding.
It seems you can pull off longer action scenes pretty well. I have high hopes for part two of the fight now that Madara seems to have given up holding back. I look forward to the next update.
Now the action has crossed over from being simple high-tier action to low or middle class Shonen action. Your choice to give Rainbow the Byakugan is an interesting one. My first thought (which still ranks as the idea I like the most) was also to give her Rock Lee's fighting style, but this comes in at a close second. The increased powers of perception granted by the Byakugan fit her aerial techniques very well. It would also fit in as an explanation as to how she has eidetic memory as shown in Testing, Testing, 1 2 3. I just hope that there will be an explanation as to why she flew in at the perfect time to save everyone. The Byakugan probably let her see through the hospital wall in order to know that the fight was happening, but what made her think about turning it on and looking through the wall? Did the fire show up outside the building too?
I'll just assume that Pinkie showed up because she either saw Rainbow bursting through the window and got curious or got a warning about what would happen via the Pinkie Sense. I'm not too disappointed that she won't get a Naruto power, and I even have a guess as to what ability she will get. She's going to take a page from Luffy's book and turn out to be a rubber mare, isn't she? Her lack of interest in her own life being in danger and her constant breaking of the laws of physics both support my theory.
While most of the grammar issues still don't keep the reader from understanding the story in this chapter, there was one that could confuse some people.
I believe the second Madara was supposed to be Dark Side instead. Unless you're trying to do an even worse plot twist than Shyamalan has become infamous for, but I doubt it. Other than that, the grammar errors were more of the usual ones; an extra or missing letter here, a misuse of contractions there, etc.
Now the plot is starting to pick up some speed. Now that Pinkie has been kidnapped, the rest of the Mane 6 should be quick to spring into action when they track down where they took her. I expect Pinkie to not care at all while finding ways to laugh at her current situation. If Madara thinks his fancy illusion eyes are good at messing with people's heads, he's got a surprise waiting for him in the form of a pink-coated baker. I look forward to the next update.
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You got one thing right, but ill keep that a secret for now. Didn't know you figured that out on your own lol, and yeah pinkie's sense was gonna play a key part,but I have something bigger planned here. Sorry for grammar. Madara and Dark Side seem so similar I got mixed up, my fault.
While my guess about her abilities was correct, my theory about her reaction couldn't have been more wrong. It seems Madara now has control over the most unstable member of the Mane 6. I'm currently resisting making an overused joke. Actually, why should I resist? The more obvious the joke, the more it has to be addressed. Do you think those experiments will include baking from now on?
I do have one small issue that won't quit bugging me. Wouldn't the powers you gave Pinkie in the side story make her immune to blunt force? If so, that would make Minute Maid's attempt at opening her eyes that way useless. I'm not saying that the scene needs to be changed, but I just thought I should bring the point up.
It looks like this story is taking a turn into darker waters (though I'm not sure how that's possible when the first story in the series included that brutal death scene with Angel.) The inevitable fight scene between Pinkie and the others looks like it will be a good one. I look forward to the next update.
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I would think her skull wouldn't be made of rubber, there for her head would be severely damaged. Actually I didn't think of that.
It seems yet another one of my predictions turned out to be correct. Candy Apple did leave with Fluttershy and was killed by Celestia soon after, explaining why Fluttershy didn't remember her. I have to ask why Celestia killed Candy but let Fluttershy live? She killed Candy because she was connected to Fusaku and Madara, but so was Fluttershy. If anything she has an even greater connection to them due to the fact that she is a descendant of them and inherited the Sharingan. Maybe Celestia's reason for letting her live will be revealed later, but it is still a valid point to bring up.
Now for the descendants that haven't appeared in the story so far. Making Trixie one of them seems like a random choice to make, but I'll go along with it. Her strong need for revenge and hatred of beings who are stronger than her certainly make it possible for her to be a part of the family. I just hope this plot point leads to something interesting, otherwise it will just seem like something stuck on as an afterthought to make this backstory seem a bit cooler, like putting a card in a bike's wheel so it sounds like a motorcycle.
The unnamed third child of Fusaku seems to be being set up as an important part of the story later down the line. The possibilities for this character are endless, so I'll save my theorizing about the topic until they make a proper appearance. I do wonder how this child was able to disappear so easily. Madara was able to track Fluttershy down as soon as her Sharingan activated even though Candy took her away to specifically hide her from him. This opens up two questions. The first is what happened to make this child disappear that left him unable to track them? The second is why he seems so disinterested in finding them? It's been made very clear that he needs the Sharingan from Fluttershy and Dark Side to make his plan work, so why isn't he showing any interest in tracking down another possible source for the Sharingan incase he is unable to get them from the other two? It could be that the third child removed their own Sharingan and turned them into contacts, which would also explain where Rarity's came from.
Madara's plan is interesting, but a bit odd when you take a look at the big picture. He believes that this reality is an illusion and wants to fix it by making another illusion (insert the 'I heard you like X, so I' meme here.) The way he says it makes it sound like he thinks that this reality is all a dream made by Celestia, and he wants to put everyone in it inside his own dream (insert Inception joke here.) Is it possible that Madara is maybe completely insane? This sounds like what someone with a severe god complex would think of doing.
Why does he need more Sharingans to pull it off? He already has the Mangekyo Sharingan he needs to make the illusion, so where do Fluttershy, Dark Side, and Rarity's Sharingans fit in? Perhaps one set doesn't have enough power to create the illusion on its own.
Now for Pinkamena. I like the idea that she hasn't been completely corrupted yet, but the execution needs some work. She breaks out into her original personality's random behaviors too often. Having her do so once in a while would paint the picture that she can be saved well enough, but she does it so often that it's confusing why Madara thinks he can trust her with such sensitive information. Everyone recognizes him as a master manipulator, a chess master, and an overall genius, but telling someone who looks like they could switch sides with very little persuading something that could give your enemy the edge seems like a dumb idea to me.
If your intent was to make the audience ask more questions and invest them in the story, you have succeeded. I'm curious where all these plotlines you've put down will lead. There are several possibilities for this story's future, but that's not a complete positive. Trying to handle too many plotlines at once makes it easy to forget one of them and leave a giant hole in the story's plot. The only advice I can give here is to proceed with caution. I look forward to the next update.
A few interesting details have been added to the story here. The first is the identity of the third sibling. Most people might still be curious why Madara couldn't just tell Pinkamena his name during last chapter's exposition dump, but I have an idea of why that is. Madara seemed completely disinterested in the fact that Starshooter was missing, but that could be because he was the one who got rid of him in the first place. The only evidence I have to support this theory is that it was said that Celestia killed Candy Apple. I'm certain Madara would have killed her for trying to go against his plan, so that would mean that something would have to stop him. The only pony that was there and could have done it was Starshooter. This suggests that he tried stopping Madara long enough for Candy to get away and was punished for it via abandonment, bodily harm, and a possible memory wipe.
The other detail was the mentioning of chakra near the end. It wasn't clear until now whether the Naruto abilities were powered by chakra or natural pony magic. This detail also extends to Candy's final line in the chapter. She said that the power of chakra was given to her by Madara. This means two things. The first is that the number of ponies with Naruto powers is limited by who has access to chakra. Whether it is passed on from parent to child or transferred to individuals from another source is still unclear, but I'm sure it won't stay that way forever.
The second thing I mentioned is a reason as to why Celestia killed Candy Apple at all. It's possible that she considers chakra itself and anyone who can use it beyond her own family dangerous. If this is true, it means that she would take any opportunity she had to reduce the number of chakra users, including Candy. Her escape from the Moonlit clan's castle gave Celestia the perfect chance to do just that. I have a few ideas as to why she let Fluttershy live, but I'll keep those to myself until more details are revealed.
The details you've given us fill in a few holes in Madara's exposition dump quite nicely. Speaking of which, I believe this is a much better way of revealing plot details than the conversation between Madara and Pinkamena. This is because of the writing rule "Show, don't tell." A flashback to an exciting moment in time is much more entertaining than two people talking about the moment. Which mental image seems better, a mare running for her and her daughter's lives from a psychopath with godly abilities or someone saying "She ran away" to a mentally unstable servant/slave?
In short, I enjoyed this chapter. The questions last chapter left me with have been answered efficiently while still giving me more questions to ask. This is a pretty good way of keeping an audience's attention. I assume next chapter will either continue Starshooter's flashback or go back to the group in Ponyville after Madara's attack to explain a few plot points presented in that chapter. I look forward to the next update.
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Thanks. I'm not sure when the next update will be. This was late because of a death in the family, and I gotta go to Illinois. I guess I'll write while there but hopefully the death doesn't cause a drop in my writing quality.
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In that case, take all the time you need. The death of a loved one tends to mess with a guy's head for a while. Like I said a few chapters ago, most stories on this site sit and collect dust for months between updates. A few weeks of delay due to real life issues is acceptable as far as I'm concerned. That being said, sorry for your loss. Best of luck to you and your family.
This chapter was a bit jarring, but still good. It took a while for me to realize that there was a time skip between this chapter and the last time we saw this group. It does leave some questions unanswered. The first one would be how everyone reacted after Madara's attack at the hospital. This would also include them freaking out about Pinkie's sudden disappearance. It also skips over how Pinkamena became so infamous. For all we know, she could have just stolen one too many pieces of candy from little children.
The next question would be anything having to do with Rainbow's newly revealed abilities. Did she just receive them from somewhere or has she always had them? If the former, then where did she get them and why? If the latter, why didn't she use them in any of the combat situations she's found herself in before? I'm certain her friends would be asking questions like this, so it would have been the most convenient choice to show us that discussion to explain it. If you decide to not explain it at all, it would seem a bit too much like the wish fulfillment I mentioned many crossover fics became victim to. The origins of everyone else's abilities were explained pretty well almost immediately after they were revealed, making this one going unexplained for so long stick out like a soar thumb.
Now that my concerns with the overall continuity have been voiced, I can finally move on to the chapter itself. So Dark Side is now the head of a powerful committee? Alright, I can accept that. He has been shown to be pretty intelligent under his snarky exterior. I just wonder how he managed to convince Luna to give him the job? He was a key player in the incident that sent Celestia off to wherever Fluttershy sent her. I would think Luna would hold a bit of a grudge for that. It could be a case of her sucking up her personal issues with him for the sake of Equestria, but I would still give him a solid shot or two to the nose for that.
The sections with Starshooter confirmed my theory from the last chapter. He and Dark Side realized how messed up Madara's plan was, helped Candy get away (and into the waiting hooves of Celestia), and were punished shortly thereafter. Now I'm curious about what kind of character he is. He was shown to be concerned for the safety of his family (with the obvious exceptions of Madara and Fusaku.) I'll just guess that he'll be the polite, kindhearted brother to contrast with Dark Side's sarcastic behavior. Then again, Fluttershy already took that position, so now I don't know what to guess. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.
Luna's death is the oddest thing I've seen in this storyline (and that does include your original version of Angel's death.) Luna had literally no screen time in this story. She was one of the princesses of Equestria and nothing else here. This could change via flashbacks, but giving her no appearances before her death is an odd choice in my opinion. Even Angel got a little bit of screen time in the original draft for the first story, and he was pretty much a plot device to kick start the conflict. As for who killed her, I'm putting my money on a hidden assassin who got away before anyone found the body (possibly Pinkamena.) This is a crossover fic from a series filled with ninjas. It wouldn't be that surprising.
In short, this chapter was alright. Some of your choices for what to cut out to implement the time skip are a bit odd, but I'll roll with it. For starters, a plot doesn't have to be perfect. You're allowed to make errors so long as they aren't all over the place and massive. Just patch up the lack of explanation for Rainbow's abilities and it'll be fine. The other reason I'm being more lenient than usual is the family problem you mentioned in last chapter's comment section. Expecting your highest quality work so soon after something like that would be completely unreasonable. If you're wondering, I did still enjoy this chapter, even with the issues I found. Like I said before, don't be afraid to take a break. No one will blame you (at least no one who is reasonable.) I look forward to the next update.
You may be expecting me to exclaim 'called it' in response to being correct about Pinkamena being the killer. Once again, I may have a large ego, but it's not that bad. There is a point I didn't realize that this chapter brought into the spotlight. Luna shouldn't have been here in the first place, so why was she? Since you're the one who brought it up, I'm certain it will be addressed sooner or later.
Now onto Pinkamena herself. I can see Madara trusting this version of her much more easily. She still shows mental instability by switching between uncaring and anime-style yelling so quickly, but it lines up closer to the actions of a homicidal maniac than before. A bad guy shouldn't trust someone who sounds like a loyal servant half the time and like a good guy the other half. A bad guy should trust the mare who becomes excited when hurting someone who opposes him. A sadistic psychotic is easier to see as being trusted by Madara while still keeping it clear to the audience that she could be pulled back to the good side, though not without a lot of effort and blood loss.
Next is something that was a little disappointing, Twilight's roll in the chapter. Don't get me wrong, I can see why she would be angry enough to want revenge of some sort. I can also see how easy of a target this would turn her into for Madara's mind control. What disappointed me was the fact that we didn't get to see her decent to anger. The last time she and Dark Side interacted, she seemed to be pretty kind towards him. I can see how his involvement in everything that's happened would make her angry, but I don't think it happened overnight. Once again, the time skip let you pass up a lot of good chances for character development and revealing plot details. I can accept everything that's happened in the story, but I can't fully agree with not showing us what made these things happen.
In short, this was an alright chapter. The reveal of Pinkamena as the killer was good (though not very surprising,) the resulting fight scene was good, and Pinkamena's characterization as a whole was very good, but the details that were cut out for the sake of including the time skip are what keep these last two chapters from being any better. The two things that need to be explained above all else are the origins of Rainbow's abilities and how Luna was in this secret facility. I'm not sure of an easy way to fix the issue with skipping Twilight's character development, but I think I can overlook it in the long run. It's still believable, so don't worry about that much.
I can handle a bit of a wait. Besides, the school year starts back up soon, so I'll need some time to readjust my reading schedule to work around the decrease in my free time. I'll still be sure to try to read and comment on any new chapters that pop up the day they are posted, but my response time will probably be slower than usual for a while. I look forward to the next update.
Now Luna's presence at the supposedly top-secret bunker makes more sense. This chapter also explains why Madara would want to bring her there in the first place, to create a distraction. Two birds with one stone.
Now there's something else to think about, this Hitachi guy. Dark Side only ever referenced Starshooter and Fluttershy as his siblings. This tells me that either Dark doesn't know about Hitachi or that he is despicable to the point where Dark wouldn't allow himself to recognize him as his brother. The first option would serve as one reason that Madara wants that document, to keep him a secret. As for this chapter's errors, it's more of the same. I did notice a few more words that look like the work of a faulty auto correcting feature. Things like that are pains in the neck sometimes. On the bright side, it looks like the errors of every other kind are a bit less common than before, so I suppose it balances out.
In short, I enjoyed this chapter. It fills in a plot point from last chapter and gives us a decent action scene. I am curious as to why Luna didn't try to fight back. Maybe it's the same reason that she didn't just scoot a bit to the right when the Elements were fired at her during the season one premiere.
It's good to see you back in action. Like I said before, there's no need to apologize for making us wait a bit. I'd say the reason for the delay is more than a good enough excuse for your break. Now that you are back, I can start rambling here on a regular basis again. I look forward to the next update.
The only boss that comes to mind would be Zero from Kirby (Dream Land 3 if I'm remembering things correctly.) I'm more of a fan of his redesign as O2 in Kirby 64. The angel motif is more interesting than his old blob monster form.
Things are picking up. Rarity and Dark Side have been kidnapped by earthbending diamond dogs and Pinkie, the person known for destroying reality for fun, just got her hooves on a blob of dark matter, a substance known for causing absolute chaos wherever it exists. I don't think my bunker will be good enough this time. If you need me, I'll be on Pluto. That might be far enough to not be caught up in the fireworks, but I'm not entirely sure. I look forward to the next update.
Wait, so Madara has requested robots be built by a man named Albert, one of which is red and shoots boomerangs. That's it, where did I put my metal blades? Hey Rock, your crazy scientist friend is back, and apparently he's now an equine.
With all the video game references popping up, I'm surprised that no one has spotted a blue blur, multi-tailed fox, or Italian plumber yet.
Alright, that was a good fight scene. Water jutsu seems to be a pretty good fit for Fluttershy, but I'm not sure why. And now Applejack is the Orange Bomber, Mega Mare, equipped with shurikens! Not as good as the Metal Blades, but they'll have to do. It's kind of odd how it's the down to earth farmer who gets the robot powers, but it is a good contrast.
Is it bad that, for a second, I thought Madara was about to have his army pull the infamous Nazi hand gesture? It honestly looked like he was doing just that until he decided to put his hoof back down. I'm going to guess that the Robot Masters are going to team up either by element or in groups of six and eight based on which game they came in.
Why do prison guards always fall for the old bathroom trick? At least Spot had somewhat of a reason. Rarity probably wouldn't have stopped complaining until he did. Do you here me guards from every other media ever? A cartoon dog just did your job better than you!
I must say, the story's flow has improved quite a bit. The errors are down to a very low number now. Maybe now readers will be more willing to come down here more often. It's getting quite lonely with only two people. Oh, and Merry Christmas to you too! I look forward to the next update.
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Thanks! My goal in that chapter was to keep things to a minimum, mostly errors. Hopefully my improving experience will attract more people.
Next chapter technically wont be a chapter. It'll be more like an author's corner where I:
A. Answer questions from readers (Assuming I have enough)
B. Tell you about the inspiration for certain powers in the fic
C. I may have to continue this fic in another fic, but that's for another story
Good fight scene is good. Not much else to say about it.
These siblings are coming right out of the woodwork. What, did Discord sneeze too hard and temporarily poof them out of existence? If so, he really needs some Dayquil and a box of tissues. As for that small flashback, assuming that injection wasn't an illusion or something else entirely, I only have two conclusions. Either Madara is a horrible aim (which is plausible considering anime logic) and missed Fluttershy entirely or she is the most durable unborn baby this side of Portgal D. Ace.
In response to your comment, I have a quick recommendation. I find authors sticking these types of notes right in the middle of a story to be a bad idea. It sticks out like a sore thumb when all is said and done. I find the blog to be a much better place for these types of things.
I do have one question, what happened to explaining Rainbow's powers and sudden entry into the hospital during that fight? I thought that you would wait a few chapters until the focus returned to their little group for her to explain herself, but that possibility dropped when you applied the time skip. Were it to happen now, it would come off as her friends saying, "Hey Rainbow, remember when you showed up and handed Fluttershy's father his flank back to him on a silver platter? How did you do that anyway?" That plot thread just kind of fell off a cliff somewhere along the line.
That covers my biggest concern. The others seem to be resolving themselves quite quickly. I look forward to the next update. Now if you'll excuse me, I just got my hands on Metal Gear Rising. I know I'm late to that party, but Nintendo's active releases over the last year or so have kept my spare change pocket rather empty.
Sorry about the prolonged chapter, my computer broke down, and all my documents relating to the fic was on there. Ill get to retyping it asap
Alright, now that I've caught up after my favorite box's little mess up, I'm ready to talk more down here. You know, I was kidding about Mario cropping up, but I'll take it. Look out Equestria! The Mushroom Kingdom's heroes of choice are here to stomp heads and eat cake, and they're all out of cake.
Okay, now Star Shooter has a marefriend and Dark is evil (or at least a very dark shade of antihero.) I can get behind this, too. I look forward to seeing what his driving force is in all of this. Oh, and I'd recommend shortening the second guard's name down to just Snow after the first time it's said. After all, no one calls Twilight Sparkle her whole name every time they talk to or about her. Heck, even Fluttershy, whose name is all one word, is often chopped down to just Shy fairly regularly around here.
I must compliment your use of the Yellow/Black Devil here. He's just as nightmare inducing in text as he is for someone trying to face him in game. That blob is one of the banes of my gaming existence, right up there with Ornstein and Smough (though not nearly as bad as the Anor Londo archers.)
Hooray, Lektra isn't dead meat! Alright Crash, it's time for a heroic second wind. Show this discount Doctor Who what's what. Backing off the adrenaline for a moment, it's nice to see it's not just Crash who doesn't entirely want this destruction. As I said before, humanizing the Masters a bit is a good move. Spark, unless you decide to pull a heel-face turn, it was nice knowing you.
The action is picking up again. Now with your update on explaining Rainbow's powers and the great possibility of Zero having an even worse agenda than Madara, I'm quite excited to see where it all goes. I look forward to the next update, though it might be a while before I can pull myself up to actually cover one. The new Monster Hunter just dropped and it is eating my free time like a starving Pinkie.
Short chapter ik don't blame me though new one in a bit
5637834 Do you know what this is a crossover of?
4718371 Do you know what this is a crossover of?