A notebook of grave proportions has fallen into the world of Equestria. Nothing good can come from it when a military prosecutor with a warped sense of justice gets a hold of it. Can one pony along bring the world to its knees? Or will somepony stop him right in his tracks? Unbeknownst to Rarity, the stallion she likes will become one of the most tyrannical of mass murderers in Equestrian History. Fans of Death Note especially should enjoy this continuing Fic.
Cover Art done by Glitter Glue via MLPForums
Chapters (31)
You need an editor and proof reader. I cannot talk. But if you are attempting a serious fic with purpose then you need those. Trust me.
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Alright. I'm attempting to find one as we speak.
7427753 I can help.
7427771 I'd rather make suggestions.
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PM me with any suggestions then, I don't mind criticism.
How do I know this story won't die as this story did?
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The reasoning for my other stories dying is because my aunt, who I was very close to, died while I was writing and I just couldn't bring myself to finish them. Those stories were a huge part of that portion of my life and all they really do is remind me of what happened. If it weren't for me wanting to go back on them I would have deleted those stories by now. I just need a fresh start. I'll eventually get back to the others. Whenever I'm strong enough to. I just can't right now.
So it's not a straight lift of Death Note's plot, only the core concepts? Kind of relieving, you know? So many people just tell the story, but now with ponies when they go for the crossover. Never been a fan of that sort of creative work, mostly because calling it creative isn't exactly right.
Even so, you might want to take a few cues from the original work. Death Note gives the viewer a bit more time with Light before handing him the book, showing off how its influence, and, by extension, power in general, can twist an individual. We know Light the average college goer well before we know Kira the mass murderer. Here, we get maybe a page of Dark the prosecutor before you drop the book on him. Pacing is more than walking in a circle you know.
That said, his style of killing is a very good shift. Light was cold, calculating, even from day one. Dark's got the subtlety of a frying pan to the snout. Much more direct, but way more obvious. At least for now. I expect he'll work on that as he practices the trade, but that straight line mentality could make things very interesting, much to Ryuuk's delight.
Speaking of the Devil in all but name, was that a quote I saw there? If he makes a skeleton pun by chapter four, I will imagine him in a blue jacket and slippers for the duration of the story. No one would blame me.
That said, you could explain what he looks like a bit better. The first thing that catches the eye looking at Ryuuk's design is that sharp toothed grin, but it isn't mentioned at all. He could just be Garry from Ib in a darker coat for all we know. You have to know what you need to highlight to get across the point of a character's design. You get a Magic Goth vibe from him now, not Terrifying, Lanky Abomination.
Oh, and the opening isn't strictly needed. I know it's showing off the Death Note in its horrible glory, but you could just do the same when Dark finds it the first time. That type of scene works better in animation or manga, where a bit of flare is favored, but the game shifts a little when you remove the visual aspects.
All in all, this is solid so far. You get the broad strokes fine, only missing a few finer details. I'll be keeping an eye on this one. I look forward to the next update.
Oh how I missed Ryuuk's antics. That was one of the early draws to the show for me, right behind the concept of the Death Note itself. As such, having him around with his same trollish nature is a huge boon to the story. Once Rarity gets over her little fainting spell, I can only imagine how the two will interact with each other. Absolute lack of care meeting the pinnacle thereof. And it's not like she can't get used to him. Her group meets up with eldritch beings on a bimonthly basis for dinner.
Come to think of it, I can't help but wonder what'd happen if Discord came into the mix. On top of him and Ryuuk, two of the most entertaining fictional characters, being in the same scene, he could be a clever wrench in the gears. Death Note wielders put everything on chains of logic. Seeing how things unravel well before the event in question is the only way they pull off the mad stunts infamous within the show. Discord's very existence shatters logic. The picture paints itself, doesn't it?
We might be gearing up to see what happens when a plan fails all on its own though. A healthy fashion 'designer' (read, larcenist) dropping dead on stage? Or maybe worse, assuming Dark wanted to be particularly cruel? That'd pull the attention of the entire country in one fell swoop. And with attention comes madly clever detective types.
I think your keyboard skipped a little at the beginning there. I caught "Royal Gurd" and "attention tod detail" in the first paragraph. Mostly fine past that, though, the only thing close to errors otherwise being a bit of awkward wording. I've caught way worse because of computer lag on my documents.
I look forward to the next update.
Okay, two things right off the bat. I expected there to be a private investigator akin to L showing up. The cat and mouse game between him and Light is where the series shined, and its end is where things fell apart. Ergo, we needed such a continuous conflict to carry the same weight. Simple logic.
Where my suspension of disbelief ends is the name. Or at least the marker. I mean, two incredibly skilled detectives who work from the shadows and are dead serious with their work, but seemingly casual otherwise, who both go with the ID of L? Having a tough time buying it. And just tough turns to hard as adamantium when they both fished out the Death Note user via a falsified television broadcast using an inmate as bait. Ryuuk was right to call out the feeling that he'd been there before, and I have to point it out further.
That said, the change in motives behind falling for it is interesting. Light jumped at it because he thought he could take out his biggest threat in one move. Dark was just ego stroking. So far, I'm seeing a lot of similar scenes, changed mostly by the mentality of the main character. A lack of tact could ruin many of those jaw dropping machinations in so many ways. I look forward to the next update.
Oh, and that's some nice new cover art you got there. Just thought I'd bring it up.
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Thanks for the review! I do have to ask though is this all a good bit Hong or bad and if not may you elaborate
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The big problem with this chapter is, change in motives aside, it's almost a straight lift from Death Note itself. Room full of cops contacted by mystery detective L, killer sees television broadcast depicting someone who may or may not be a towering opponent but turns out to be a criminal dressed up like them, real L taunts killer for falling for the obvious ploy, the works. Remember, your audience here consists of Death Note fans. They know what happened in that show/manga.
In their minds, one question will be popping up. If this is the same as Death Note, why not just go back and watch Death Note, whose pedigree is already proven? You need to change up more than a few personalities. There's such a wide array of possibilities having a magic murder notebook, but you're walking the already treaded path. Like I said in my first comment back in chapter one, that isn't going to keep people's attention long. Branch out into new territory, tell a new story using old concepts. If you just tell their story again, it's not really an original work, now is it?
Man, I feel like a negative Nancy. There is good stuff here, the Rarity sub plot and all, but it's drowned out by the chorus screaming "This is Death Note, but with ponies!" in my ears. And let me tell you, that is a shrill concert to attend, even for a Brony. Just remember, Death Note did its thing. Even if you use its concepts, do your thing. Here, I feel like I need to drop a picture of a cute thing. Balance out the universe or something.
digitalpleinairsociety.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/baby-seal.jpg
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I understand fully, I could've found a better way to introduce the antagonist. But this is basically a set up for the next chapter which should be dropped within the next hour or so. It's not as long and it gives insight on what happened within the time skip. Trust me, this'll all change.
Two things here. One, I'm putting money on Ryuuk sending the "I am Kira" note. He had nostalgia for the name, and it would bug his new target to no end. Why not? And two...
Ponies have breasts? I mean, this isn't tagged anthro, and both cover arts showed quadrupeds. A horse's mammary glands are on their lower stomach, so that means the killer slipped around her and somehow had enough dexterity and speed to lodge a blade up into her stomach area. Either that, or I'm an extreme knit-picker being way too analytical about all of this. That's highly possible.
Oh, and there are some capitals that shouldn't be capitals towards the start there. I see Divine Judgment being capitalized, but "the Windows of businesses"? Not so much.
Welp, that restaurant there seals the deal. Ryuuk, I cordially present you with this blue jacket and a pair of pink slippers. Should be more comfy than that black leather of yours. Less threatening, but hey, the only guys who can see you already know what you are. Plus, anyone who's seen it before should find you even more terrifying. Don't ask why, long story.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Rarity should be a good piece to the puzzle. Letting someone who isn't so comfortable with all of the death in on the secret, a high ranking figure at that, could be the pebble that brings down Goliath. Not that there was much choice, but it doesn't make the idea of a betrayal less possible. To whom are her loyalties stronger? This one guy who bares power beyond all others or the girls who bring down nightmare abominations for a living? Decisions, decisions.
And here we are, the crazed worshipper who also holds a Death Note. Unbreakably loyal to his lord, but a little over eager to please. His trigger finger doesn't seem to be quite as itchy, and his composure is quite good. Every dark lord needs a menacing underling, believe me, I would know, and this Sawyer fellow fits the bill. Now to deal with that business of the third Death Note. I don't know why, but I imagine a certain chaos spirit just using it for cooking recipes. Just as confused as you about that, if it helps at all.
I look forward to the next update.
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Oh...lol sorry. I was saying breast to mean more like her chest area. My mistake
Ah, the backlog strategy of posting. Helps when you know where you're going and when you can write, not so much when you overestimate your ability to keep up. You know, like I constantly do. It's like my morning starts with a coin flip. Heads, I'll have all my planned work done, along with the bulk of the next week's. Tails, nope, just gonna sit and eat ramen today.
I have some logistics problems with the Aryan's secret son thing. How does she leave him alone all day without incident, and how do you keep a baby secret? They're kind of loud, and time intensive, not the sort of thing you sit in a dark room like some sort of doll...
Oh my, it's dead, stuffed, and an emotional crutch for an already broken mare, isn't it? Yeah, I've been throat deep in Bloodborne for the last few weeks, body horror is starting to seem normal. Celestia help us all if she nabs the third Death Note for her own use. Especially help Dynamo. He's too nice to not be wearing a bull's eye t-shirt. If I'm right... This plot thread, I like it. Nice and creepy. Like meeee~! Kill or be killed, etc.
Now things are picking up. You had my curiousity, but now you have my attention. I look forward to the next update.
Wow, the secret of Kira isn't exactly staying secret, now is it? At least he's making up for it with that position of his. A prosecutor inherently has better access to criminal records than a college student, and the people in on his secret are either too afraid, too loyal, or unable to prove anything. I mean, who'd listen to claims about a mostly invisible monster in a world of magic and chaos gods...
Oh wait. Good thing he isn't stationed in Ponyville, those guys should have a sixth sense for this kind of stuff by now.
And Dynamo, such a fun guy! Who'd expect an official like him? Actually, he kind of reminds me of someone. Much more nerdy, but still close. I just can't put my finger on it. Wait, yes I can, Colonel Hughes! Man, I loved that dude. Things turn out well for guys like him, right? Right?
I don't have much to go on for L B, but at least she wasn't introduced munching on a bucket of sweets. Quirks only stay quirky when they're on the rare side. The robot thing reminds me a little of N, but I can't say I cared for him anyway. I look forward to the next update.
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Man I was sad when what happened to him happened in FMA
Huh... anime&mlp. Love it. Will read it later
Man, the Kira thing is the worst kept secret since the Arkham Knight's secret identity. It's highly possible that the whole of the police will be misled by the whole 'don't bug him or I'll kill you Stalin style' thing, but to have all the eyes on him within the first month is a bad show on Dark's part. If he didn't have the noble backup, he'd be as sure as caught.
Now, I don't rightly know who has that Death Note. Since she had to be told it, Aryan's out. Probably not Sweet Pen either. She's too hoofs on to be a user, not to mention slapping Dynamo down for his ridiculous story. Then again, both of those would also add up to some premium cover. There isn't enough info on the rest to pick through for signs, but Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass states that the one you least expect is the one that's the most dangerous. I'll put five bits and a stick of gum on Dynamo. He brought the monster thing to light, subtly cluing everyone else in on that aspect of the Note, plus his goof act makes him easy to overlook.
Small tip? You don't need to keep pinning their ranks before their names in the narration. Introducing themselves, certainly. That's protocol. But does the narrator really need to address them as Lieutenant and Colonel every single time? It gets cluttered really quick. Just Dynamo or Aryan would work just fine. Oh, and tone down a little on the descriptions with Dynamo's slapstick. It's a little too visceral. I look forward to the next update.
Speaking of visceral, I have a first hunter that needs to wake up. Bloody air slash...
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I guess Dark Side isn't the most subtle, lawl(iet)
But anyways, is pacing going to fast? Can't help but feel it is
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I think that would also be Dark's fault. Light carefully treaded around every machination, sowing seeds as he went. Dark bull rushes through them, setting off every alarm and leading the guards along in a conga line as he goes, and, if he's lucky, he'll plow through someone he doesn't like on the way. The plot only seems to be going fast because it's tied to his back ankle. You just need to find a way to work around it.
Maybe take some time to develop the other officers? I could only really pin down Dynamo, Aryan, and Sweet Pen. The others were just kind of... there, if you get me. Like Master Roshi and his talking animals in the entirety of Dragon Ball Z. Tell me, do you think anyone who jumped on at Z would remember their names by the time that chunk of the series ended? Nope. At least, I didn't. Don't let that happen to the valiant guys chasing down Kira as he bulldozes through another tripwire.
P.S. I just noticed something. Light was cunning, slow, and precise. Dark is the king of itchy trigger fingers. They are opposites in every way. Every. Way. Look at the names. How did I not notice!?
7428024 I didn't know you had a second account, Nonagon. ...Sweetie Belle will live in this story, right?
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Nonagon?
Okay, I fell for that one way too easily. Hey look, a realist with a good family life, sticking around despite what he lost for the sake of what's left. Kind of weird he finds a magic thing unbelievable in a world of magic, but whatever, I'll let it slide. What a cute family and there he goes. Oldest trick in the book, make someone really likable and then kill them, and I fell for it.
You know, I have two equally sad thoughts. One, it wasn't a Death Note, just a normal heart attack. He seems that stressed, and Dark himself seems to prefer a more personal approach than the book's default. Idea two, it was a Death Note, his Death Note, that his daughters found and wrote his name in for one reason or another. Maybe they just scrawled random things in, maybe it's now one of their diaries, but for some reason, his name landed in it. Most likely in ignorance, but that doesn't make him less dead. Either way, I'm sad now. Well played. I look forward to the next update.
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Fell for it? I'm afraid I don't follow lol
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You know how when there's a cute dog in a game trailer, everyone instantly thinks it's going to die? They think that because people always pulled that trick. See a cute dog, chances are it'll die. See a gorgeous city scape, someone's going to blow it up, or it'll be a horrible dictatorship. See a loving family man, he's going to die. Those are some of the most tried and true ways of stirring up drama, and I fell into the niceness here, dropping my guard like an amateur. That's either a bad mark on my end, or a good one on yours.
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Ohhhhhh, I gotcha. Just wasn't sure if that was a bad or good thing.
Sorry for the late answer but I just finished reading about an hour ago. I have to say, I'm liking it so far. Hopefully, it will end well. I'm going to keep track of this until it's finish. I wish u the best of luck
Yay, bar fight sequence! As cliché as they are, I can't help but love them. Alcohol in open wounds, broken glass, bar stool strikes, good times all around. Though a guy with a name like Papyrus is the last person I'd expect to be in the middle of one, let alone the driving force, for multiple reasons.
Also ironically, he's my number one candidate for Death Note holder number three. Lack of care for casual murder? Check. Personal vendetta to carry out? Unicorn racism, check. Overall motive? Laziness, like that one part later on in Death Note, check. It's probably a last resort thing, preferring hoofty-cuffs (or however you'd say it for equines) above the 'lazy' instant kill method, hence why he isn't a notorious figure just yet.
Even if Pap's a red herring, I can safely say I was right about Sweet Pen not being the holder. She just got enough insight to reveal Barragan, a huge indicator that she's never touched one of the books before. How could she possess one without touching it? Gloves? Maybe if she were a Unicorn using magic to interact with it, but no, Pegasus. So no Death Note. But she does have a creepy butler. I swear if Pen reveals a pentagram on one of her eyes...
Anyway, I look forward to the next update. Now to figure out how the heck a quadruped roundhouse kicks.
This story isn't like the original Death Note, which I get, it's not supposed to be, but wasn't there like a rule or something in the Death Note where if you willingly give up the Death Note the memories of it are erased from your mind and you can no longer see the Shimigami tied to it? That's where this story is going wrong, Lieutenant Colonel Aryan and Colonel Dynamo should not be able to see Ryuuk because they gave up the Death Note, and nopony in Equestria should be able to see Ryuuk considering they haven't touched the book. You have to touch the Death Note to see the Shimigami tied to it.
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They never gave it up per se, they touched it and left it alone. They never said "I relinquish ownership of this Death Note. Put into perspective the police who touched Higuchi's Death Note. None of them ever owned it per se. With the being able to see the Shinigami, let's just say that should help you figure everything out
Okay, wrong about Pap... actually, I think I'll just call him Trojan. A lot easier for my brain to call out without mixing with a certain other Papyrus. No, the other Death Note belonged to random other head of police I can't recall a name for. Disappointing to a degree, but there's something else here that has my eye. Motivation.
From the thoughts in this guy's head to the reaction of Silpheed, I can tell he's in the Kill or be Killed camp of thought. Someone handed an unstable anarchist a warehouse of nukes. Most shinigami are in it for the laughs. Ryuuk explicitly hands over the key to anarchy because he's bored. What fun is there to be had when everyone is dead? Furthermore, even though Dark is on the unhinged side, he still operates in the mindset of being a great good. How will this new guy react when he finds out his idol probably stands in opposition of his goals? Add that to Rarity's decision to report to the police, and I'd say someone just spiced up the chili with a stick of dynamite.
Oh, and yay! I was right about Heaveswood's heart attack being natural! No orphans on our hands just yet. But there is a case of whatever the inverse of that would be. Parent with a dead child, hm. I thought it was nice you were being on the subtle side with Aryan's kid. It took actual thought to put together that it's probably dead. Now you practically just said it. I'd have saved that reveal for when Dynamo inevitably stumbled upon it. You know, clue us in with the cracks in Aryan's mask when handling the body, but outright say it when someone else has the camera, someone without a reason to pretend. That would have been clever.
I look forward to the next update. And, before I forget, I don't think you need that apostrophe in the chapter title. As is, the title either suggests that a god owns the word 'are' or literally says "God is are Vicious in the Night." I don't think either of those are quite right.
I noticed a small indiscretion with the rules of the Note. In canon, you had to touch a Death Note that corresponded with a Shinigami before you could see that specific being. Touching Ryuuk's book wouldn't reveal any Shinigami to the human in question except Ryuuk. At first, I thought your world was based off of a slight variant, where touching one book revealed all Shinigami, hence why Dark and Lawrence could see each other's followers right off the bat.
I could pass this off as an effect of Equestria's natural magic sources making certain effects stronger, but now you're showing that Dark needed to touch the new guy's Note to see his Shinigami. You need solid rules to work off of with such powerful artifacts, otherwise you get the feel of 'anything can happen,' and not in the good way. Ever wonder why there's such a thick book binding wishes in Fairly Odd Parents, and why the rules used to be broad and simple? Now you know. Consistency with the rules, very important.
And now, a much less complainy observation. Rarity's death is going to have some big ripples. An entire business left without its effective CEO and head designer, a mountainous member of the community gone in an instant, and, most importantly, a seat in the Court of Friendship left open. That's going to make things personal with a certain Alicorn. Well, several Alicorns. And Pegasi. And Earth Ponies... You get the drift. Dark just took a hammer to the feet of the sleeping giants, and I look forward to seeing how violently they wake up. Twilight's Kingdom anybody?
I look forward to the next update.
Plot Twist
All of the mane, 4 I guess die from specific causes as does L.
I don't really see how Rainbow could instantly dismiss the idea of the Death Note and Shinigami, and you brought up why. Discord! For crying out loud, he controlled your whole click with a snap of the fingers and made chocolate milk explode dark. Your average pony, okay. I can see that, since they're less intimate with higher beings. But this lot, who rub shoulders with reality shifters, Alicorns who control the cosmos and the nature of love, and combat things like Tirek on a biannual basis? Nope, not buying that bridge. Or maybe grief is blinding their snap decisions, but that's a big maybe. At least they have L and a solid hit on Dark.
And the mad triumvirate has formed, time for Rome to burn. It would have been nice to see the three meet for the first time, get a feel for their opinions on one another, but I'll let it slide since Death Note itself slipped on that with the crazy deleting judge towards the end. I should also say how I like Celestia here. Even in the face of crisis, and having a good reason to trust at least one of them, she's still seeing something dark in... well, Dark. Could have found a better turn of phrase there... Let's see if she can do something about it in her two and a half months remaining.
Oh, and, small tone tip? That bit of info would have made a good stinger. The quiet mumbling of her clock count is a sore thumb in the middle of the scene, and blatantly stupid to do right in front of her face on their part. I'd have saved it for an end of chapter stinger, something to smack the audience with when things already look bad enough. Something like...
Nightmare's ranks, unlike normal, did not glisten. The silver of his medals shined even when not hit with direct sunlight. He took a bow, and, with his new Sergeant Major, left the room, the largest smile he'd ever made creeping across his snout. It was time to show the world why no one screwed with a Nightmare. Sycamore leaned in close, a discomforting twinkle in his eye.
"Seventy-four days, my liege."
...You know, leave them with a chill. Getting a story out is one thing. Making it leave a mark when it hits is another. I look forward to the next update.
Oh, the rule discrepancy was intended... I retract my earlier statement. That was actually a nice, subtle hint, just lost on me until I looked back in hindsight. Tip of the cap for that one!
But now, I have two more problems. Issues that apply to both this and the New Contacts series, if memory serves. One, the way you get across new intel. It's presented as part of the narration way too often. Not naturally as a character's thoughts, not from small environment hints, just flat out dumped on us by the narrator. You did it very well with the introduction of Sycamore's special rules, as character banter that was only mildly forced, and lampshaded at that, but the whole Moonlit clan story was jammed down our throats like a horse pill (tee hee!).
And that's thing number two. You tend to put too many strings of plot into one story. We were fine with just Dark being a zealous justice seeker, we didn't need the ancient clan rivalry with Celestia. The founding of Equestria thing? The ancient battle? We don't need so much. There's more than enough to work with already, with murder notebooks and depressed, accused police mares. If you jam too much into a picture, you lose sight of what's on the page. The Moonlit clan could be interesting enough if given its own story, not forced into an already occupied script. I literally cannot stress this enough.
On a positive note, you did a good job with the stinger. A nice, powerful line to finish with. See how much more memorable it is? Just pull a bit of the thinking about remorse from earlier, leave it for that end note, and I'd call it great. I look forward to the next update.
Another tip, when you include terms like 'beautiful' or 'dramatic' in the narration, it kind of waters down the effect. Let the scene speak for itself. Kind of nibbled at my neck all chapter, especially at the rose petal scene.
And Sycamore, buddy, you just flipped the board during a relaxing game of chess. To most people, that's a capital act of rudeness. To Dark, well, you can kiss a year of your life goodbye. Thank whatever granted your book special properties, capiche?
Now, I should really commend you for that graveyard scene. That little niggle I mentioned before aside, it really is a nice bit. The only other complaint I have is Sweetie effectively being a stuffed animal at the end. I mean, not even a strangled 'thank you?' No clinging to who you see as a trusted friend for comfort? Just gonna lay there like a good little pawn? Okay, thought you were a bit more emotional than that. Just be sure to play your part as a cute morality chain later, got it? Good.
You know, if Aryan dies here, it'll shut down her compelling character arc with her, uh, 'tired' child. Get our hopes up for nothing, unless her incapacitated pal takes it as a personal reason to get serious. But even then, it would still be disappointing. Then again, you surprised me before. I'll just have to wait and see, since you pointedly didn't show her dropping dead yet. Who knows? Maybe that weird butler you showed earlier is some sort of Walter-esque warrior, or Sebastian like supernatural force. That's where I'm putting my bits.
You know, that actually gives me an idea. What if someone's name is erased from the book before the forty seconds expire? Would it halt the effect? Cut it in half, leaving the target with only a horrible wound? That'd be a neat idea to play with, right?
I look forward to the next update.
Wow, I missed some big points yesterday. Sorry about that, by the by, busy day. I'm still in time to note that every other Note user just distanced themselves from Dark. See, this is why only one child may use the slide at a time. Any more than that, and they start ramming into and tripping over one another, possibly fatally. What was the old saying, the pen is mightier than the sword?
And, quick question from a forgetful little man, was that override rule in the original series? I can't remember beyond all my blinding dissatisfaction with the last third of the show. Either way, that would open up more ideas to play with. Like, say, a genuinely good Death Note user, following someone like Kira or Dark specifically to overwrite all of their murder attempts. Maybe a certain little white filly (who inexplicably has an accent like Apple Bloom's for some reason (hint hint)) who accidently stumbles into a certain god's murder book and uses it in desperation/makes a deal with the Shinigami linked with it to escape. (Another side note, good delivery on her remaining time in the last chapter, as well as the confrontation at the end of this one. Chilling!)
And Rarity, even in death, makes it clear that she's on the ball. Tracking the combo into his secret study, writing down very specific directions that, if executed, would also cover her tracks, and making us all feel really sad in one swoop. Now my only question is why a Pokémon expy was one of the books. Oh, I'm not judging him for having the book, never too old for Nintendo, but why make the colorful, appealing book one of your pull keys? Make it one of the boring ones no one ever touches. Seriously, hook the system up to a copy of Twilight and no one will ever know.
I look forward to the next update.
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It was a rule, it was just never put into action.
I hate to revive an old meme, but that certainly escalated quickly. You know, part of me is certain that Luna's real name isn't Luna, at least in the context of this story, hence the plan fails. The other part of me acknowledges just how twisted the air about Death Note is. It's a coin flip at the moment. Heads, Nightmare gets taken down a notch by the 'dead' princess, and Sycamore gets trampled by a pack of guards just out of sight. Tails, well... A Prince before us. Assuming that's a thing Celestia can do of her own free will, no guarantee. Come on L, your human counterpart did a heck of a lot more by this point. Step it up!
And Nightmare, you sick little monkey. You planned all of that. Sweetie finds letter, Sweetie gets pinned by Sycamore, Sycamore gets pinned by princesses, you top off the dog pile. Only question, did he write that letter himself or take advantage of something Rarity already wrote? I'm not sure which would be worse.
I look forward to the next update.
That spell check is getting even worse. I saw a spot where you clearly meant to put 'off,' but it said Todd. I don't know what Todd has to do with any of this, but he sounds dangerous.
You know, this is a really weird place to put Lawrence's backstory. It doesn't connect to anything, and generally sticks out like a dislodged knee cap. I do like it in and of itself, reminding me of that scene early in Attack on Titan, with bits of Wolverine thrown in for good measure. The killer's motive is on the bland side, but that's not the important bit anyway.
Dark, I am still not sure if this makes you more or less of a cheeky dick waffle, but you are still, indeed, a cheeky dick waffle.
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Lord have mercy. I had to do this chapter on my phone. Terrible. I'll fix it.
Yeah, the chapter arrangement was a bit screwy there. Messing with the flow of your story is a big no no. Maybe if Dark had been flashing back to finding the letter in this chapter while nursing his ego instead? Makes sense to me.
So, the whole alicorn thing worked out. Oh well, I don't see it helping a huge deal. Take all the brute strength you want, because now L's actually doing something. Oh, and don't count on flying anywhere any time soon. That stuff takes a good bit of practice, and I'm not too sure you'll want to be flaunting off your new body in the public eye. There's still one alicorn in Equestria, and you can bet your bacon she can put two and two together. Followed by nuking the newfound four from orbit.
And I still say Sweetie's going to be the lynch pin in his fall. The CMC will come looking for their missing third, and those three know a thing or three about putting a wrench in good plans. I look forward to the next update.
I'll be posting my full thoughts next chapter for efficiency's sake, but I noticed something you might want to see.
Todd strikes again! Curse thee, god of spell check!
I was about to mention the title, but you beat me to it. Oh well, at least Dark knows exactly what he is right now. A huge, crude, offensive Cult of Kira.
And Spark, I am disappointed. Not for you showing fear, that one is natural (in spite of the L way of being completely unnatural, but I digress.) How could you not know how bloated religious ceremonies are? Of course they didn't act just yet, they had to make holier than thou speeches in their heads first. That's how religion works. You'd think someone so smart would know that, right?
Remember how I said you needed to start doing your own thing more? Well, you definitely have here. I love the imagery in these last two chapters, a herd of highly trained police dropping like flies, followed by a mob of cultists spouting divine rhetoric. This is all you, and I love it, though it does bring one fault of yours into the limelight. When you switch scenes, try putting some sort of divider in to better mark the change.
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Like that. Or, if you want to be fancy, you can make and insert a fancy split. If that's too much, just a dash centered on the page should do fine. Just a little tip to make things smoother for the audience.
I look forward to the next update.