- Member Since 5th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Saturday
DeviousNights
Ya boy DN is back, start expecting new stories in upcoming months. Just a guy who likes the show and many different anime
DeviousNights
Joined 5th Jul, 2014 ·
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- DeviousNights · 36k words · 20 12 · 645 views
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I see a decent amount of potential in this story. The idea of the most innocent character on the show getting one of the most violent abilities from any show is a good start. The one issue I have with the storytelling here is that everything goes by a bit too quickly, especially near the end of the chapter. Story's work better when you have a good idea of what the main character is thinking. As it stands now, we don't know how Fluttershy feels about her new abilities. During the scene where she spots the pot about to fall and saves Rainbow, it would be best if you added her questioning what just happened instead of just rushing off to the library. I would be confused as all heck if I suddenly had red eyes that saw the future. Another good area to add her thinking about her new powers would be after Twilight explains what the Sharingan is.
Speaking of that scene, I would think that Twilight would want to run tests of some sort on Fluttershy. She would be the type to want to know everything about a new form of magic she encountered. Besides that, the explanation itself is a bit bare. It simply says what it is and a bit about where it came from, but nothing else. We don't know what anyone thinks about the Sharingan, not to mention what they think about it appearing on Fluttershy. We just know what happened. It leaves the story feeling a bit empty.
Now we move on to the final scene. I won't complain about Angel dying (the little brat had it coming in my opinion), but the scene feels rushed. We transition from the library to Fluttershy sleeping, and suddenly he appears with a knife before being turned into a chunky wallpaper. There's almost no build up. A good way to flesh the scene out would be to follow Angel while he thinks about murdering Fluttershy. It would build tension and give his death a bit more weight. As it stands now, his death is little more than a way to get the plot moving.
That would summarize a good portion of the story. Everything after the Sharingan appears feels like your rushing along to get to the death scene quicker. I would recommend that you take a bit more time to flesh out the story. We need to know how the characters feel about the situation, otherwise it just feels like things happening because you want them to happen. Details are needed to make a story work. Other than that, this idea simply screams potential. I'll keep an eye out for future updates. I'm curious as to where this story will go from here. It has a good idea but the execution needs a bit of work. I just hope this ranting doesn't make me sound too picky. I criticize because I want this story to be the best it can be, not because I like complaining (though I will admit that I find ripping apart stories with errors to be a fun way to pass the time.)
One recommendation I could make for expanding the storyline is giving characters besides Fluttershy access to various Naruto powers. Making the Sharingan something only Fluttershy and her relatives can use would be a good idea, but using other powers and themes in the Naruto universe would give the story more places to go. As to where exactly it could lead or who gets what powers, I have no idea. That is up to you. Yes I know I'm rambling right now, but that's just my thing. Birds fly, fish swim, and PsychicBeagle rants for hours at a time like a child who's had too much sugar.
I hope my comment gave you a few ideas, otherwise I just burned the last half hour of my time doing nothing worthwhile. You can expect me to be down here for the next few chapters trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about. I look forward to the next update.
Edit: It seems I spoke a bit too soon about future chapters. If you do end up writing a sequel, I look forward to reading it.
The main solution to this, I think, is to give Pinkie the Rinnegan .
4714890
Because as we all know, she really needs eyes that break physics on top of being Pinkie Pie. No, I see either her or Rainbow being the Naruto analogue in this, with Twilight having the Rinnegan, and the Byakugan going to Big Mac.
Thanks everyone, particularly physicicbeagle for the constructive ideas. I will surely implement those in the sequel, and yes I will try to make a threequel to where She gets mangekyo and rinnegan. Oh yeah sorry for beating you to punch :/
ALL MY
's
so fluttershy tryed to use the stare but used the sharingan (something she did not know she had or could us) be mistake on angle....and he...trys...to kill her..........WTF!
also i did not know the sharingan alerts you of danger when you were asleep(or maybe i'm missing something)
She didn't know it's effects. He tried to kill her because she nearly killed him :/
The details here are much better. The backstory you provided for the Sharingan was more interesting than the previous scene with little more than a brief description. Saying that the book came from Celestia also covered the untouched question of where Twilight would have gotten a book with knowledge like that in it.
The few paragraphs with Angel were also well done. Getting to see what a possible murderer thinks before he tries to commit the act is always a joy. The few that do so because they have to are fun to see arguing with themselves, and those that have no remorse about their actions like Angel receive even more hatred. The previous version of this scene could have implied that it was only terror of what Fluttershy could now do that drove him to try to kill her. Now we know he was just being an arrogant brat who thought himself as some sort of commanding figure among his kind. It also makes his death all the more enjoyable (excluding the pained cries from Fluttershy that followed.)
This version is much better than the first. To anyone who came here to see what he fixed, the sequel/side story he posted is much closer to this level of quality. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go reread Angel's death scene until my evil laughter makes me unable to breath.
3rd chapter deleted due to it being only a message to get word out about update.
Wow, the title is amazing, the idea is amazing... Let's take a look, then.
1. Rude and 2. ARE YOU TRYING TO REIN YOUR DAYS STORE BY BEING A F@(KING A$$?
That's all for now.
Saud=said
This makes to much sense for angle.
DIE YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE. if any of you find this comment vulgar, please do not mind, i hate angel with a passion
Yo Angel is so dead