• Member Since 20th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 20th, 2017

Gleaming


The window through which we perceive life is what defines our experience of it. We are only aware of a small fraction of what our senses pick up. We can all choose how we see the world.

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Source

Wildfire begs and pleads everyday for a day to herself, with no interruptions or anything to cause her blood to boil. Her anger and everypony around her prevents this from happening and she can't get a break.

When she is forced to keep her anger in check after attacking a pony for no apparent reason, only one pony can guide her in the right direction.

Cover art is owned by DawnMistPony ©

Wildfire is an OC owned by Sibsy ©

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 17 )

Good job! It was a great read :pinkiehappy:

4677954 Thank you, glad that you enjoyed it! :twilightsmile:

Ah, poor Wildfire, I know the feeling. :facehoof: Anyway, the story was a fun read for me. :twilightsmile:

4678188 Glad you enjoyed. :twilightsmile: I felt bad for Wildfire while I was writing this story, had to add some sympathy from Raindrops.

Short, but sweet. I liked it. :twilightsmile:

4678561 Glad you liked it, Manaphy. :twilightsmile:

Hello again.
Anyways, it's not bad... Actually, to be honest, it kind of is, and, it needs work.
Again, work on the pacing there. It would be nice if you at least described to us who Raindrops is. Whether she's a friend, a good Samaritan who happened to trot by, anything.
Also, why couldn't you show us how the 24 hours were like? Raindrops just gave Wildfire the diagram and was okay... Um, you do realize (especially with Wildfire's hot temper) that they're not going to follow it the first time around, right? I mean, if you at least showed us what those 24 hours of struggle were like, then that would've been a good story. Instead it was just setting plot -> Crap, I need your help! -> Here's some advice. -> I'm all better!
I'm not going to quote the Nostalgia critic again, but I'll say this: Take your time to establish what's going on, don't rush everything just to share it with everyone. Take as much time as you need to. Okay, not too much time, because that'll be a cause for concern; but, the time needed to create a well paced story.
The only kudos I'll give is the symbolism of both Raindrops and Wildfire. I get it, Rain putting out fire + "Pays to keep a cool head" = Anger management, that was pretty cool.
And, when you asked me if you should start slow or throw us into the action, let me be a little more specific on why I said, "Try both": Both should be used to establish what's going on. If you want to slow things down, use that time to establish characters and build up to a certain scene. Like when she realized that the letter was no joke, use the time to build up from when she laughed it off to when she realized that this was serious. Don't summarize it in one paragraph. In the beginning, you're throwing us into the action. So, try to establish what's going on. Why did Wildfire groan as she exited her home? Why was the hose on to begin with? How and why did the stallion crash into her? Who's Raindrops?
:ajsleepy:In conclusion, it's not a good story, and I think it (and your writing) needs a lot of repairing. I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
To quote Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, "The cruelest thing you can do to an artist, is to tell them that their work is perfect when it isn't."

4697537 Hmm, I see. Well, thank you for being completely honest with your criticism. That's the only problem I see in my writing, the pacing.

4697548
You're welcome, my friend.
Hopefully, you can improve with time and effort.:twilightsmile:

4697556 I hope so too, so far things are not going my way with my writing.

4697558
It will someday. But so far, that writing Pizza really needs more word sprinkles and a little more time in the oven.

4697583 I see what you did there, but you're right.

4697602
Mmm Hmm.
Anyways, good luck to you.:twilightsmile:

4697618
You're welcome, my friend.:yay:

Defcon (awesome name, that guy) practically nailed all the major issues with this piece. Seeing as this is an earlier piece, I assume you have already incorporated much of what he suggested in his comment.

For a short fiction piece, the characterization is rather strong. It is easy to see Raindrops and Wildfire as actual ponies with a relationship that has gone through numerous scenarios like this. There is a nice subtlety to the extent of their friendship that gives this comedic piece some depth.

However, the writing itself comes off as rather shallow. The characters are by no means flat, but if I were reading carelessly, I might assume they were. Language plays a large part in reader interpretations; just the mere act of how the piece is written will influence what impact is left by the end.

What do I mean by the writing is flat?
Take this passage for instance:

She groaned as she walked out of her home, only to be greeted by a hose spraying her in the face. The force of the water caused Wildfire to lose her balance and slip on a puddle, where she struggled on her four hooves and wrestled the hose down to stop its constant annoyance.

If it is meant to be comedy, have fun with it! Turn that plain prose into something wacky! I want to laugh at how exaggerated a reaction Wildfire has to a loose hose. I want to imagine the hose is as big an annoyance as Wildfire believes it is.

In short, experiment with language!

5430296 Thanks for elaborating more on what he said, my creative process at the time was completely out of whack.

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