Let's just go
“GET BACK HERE!”
Chrysalis looked over her shoulder to see that Cadance was still hot on her hooves. After that fight in the bedroom went haywire it moved to the halls, then after getting scratched, bitten, punched, kicked, bruised, and overall in pain, Chrysalis decided to make a run for it.
“You’re a crazy mare, Cadenza!” Chrysalis yelled over her shoulders as she ran closer and closer to the exit.
“And you’re a backstabbing, manipulative monster!” Cadance yelled back.
Chrysalis panted as she finally grabbed the handle to the outside. She pulled as hard as she could to get it open, only for Cadance to tackle her, sending both of them tumbling outside. “So it was a pull…” Chrysalis mumbled while getting back up on her legs.
She was then immediately blasted by magic from Cadance, sending her out into the open. “You will pay for what you’ve done!” Cadance screamed.
Chrysalis slowly staggered up and groaned. “All I did was destroy a wedding and sleep with your husband. I’ve had worse done to me!”
“Like what?” Cadance yelled.
Chrysalis thought about that for a second. “Um...I’ve had myself get blasted miles away from Canterlot; I’ve also had my plans foiled because your sister-in-law just had a be a little bi-”
Cadance shot a bolt of magic right at her, luckily, Chrysalis was able to duck just in time before running back into a sprint. Cadance soon followed. “You can run! But you can’t hide, Chrysalis!”
“Watch me!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Watch what?”
Shining groaned. “I said, watch for the colt, and the mares. They’re acting really...strange today.” Shining cringed and looked around, still seeing nothing but mass panic.
Hiver continued walking along Shining. “Maybe it’s because of the season...isn’t it spring time?”
“No, Hiver. it’s...it’s...probably...uh…” Shining scratched his head and looked around, trying to find some indication as to what season it is, but all he saw was a mares either attacking or violating stallions.
Hiver noticed and nudged Shining. “Should we...do something, or…”
“Something’s just not right.” Shining said. “Barely any of the ponies here are in character right now.”
“Yeah...well, should we get some guards to help or-”
“It’s as if something’s...wrong with them.”
“Then get some guards to-”
Shining went eye to eye with Hiver. “Hiver, we need to do something about this.”
Hiver sighed and said, “Well, what do you want to do, it’s your empire.”
Shining glared at him. “It’s mine and my wife’s.” He turned away and looked back into the street, still seeing the constant fights. “So...this is what Twilly has to deal with in her town…”
“What? Rampaging mares?”
Shining shook his head. “I’m talking about some of the random chaos that happens over there in ponyville.”
“Oh...so those newspapers weren't lying, and here I thought that place wouldn’t have ursa bears and three headed dogs running around town.”
Shining sighed. “I don’t know how she deals with it, and I really have no idea how I’ll deal with this.”
Hiver tapped his chin. “Maybe your wife can help. Assuming she wouldn’t be mad at you for-”
“I already told you, Hiver!” Shining pointed in a random direction and yelled. “That colt isn’t adopted, it isn’t Cadance’s and it’s-”
“Currently getting attacked by your own guards?”
“Exactly, so can we please drop the...the…” Shining then turned to where he was pointing to see that there were, indeed, two guards fighting a colt in an alley, which was just them flailing their arms around and getting throw against the wall by some imaginary source.
Hiver leaned into Shining’s ear. “So, should we-”
“HEY!” Shining yelled, making Hiver back up. “You two! Stop terrorizing that child!”
The two guards glanced over to Shining while the colt tilted it’s head at them. “Uh…” One of the guards straightened himself up and coughed. “T-this isn’t-”
“This is exactly what it looks like.” the other guard finished, making the first one smack him upside the head.
“Shut it Sta...er...private!” the guard yelled before turning back to Shining. “Listen..uh...sir, that colt is the devil’s creation!”
Shining raised a brow and looked down at the child. All he saw was his own young reflection. No red eyes or fangs like his guards had said. “What are you two talking about. This is an innocent little colt, not some demonic creation.”
Both guards looked at the colt again, it’s red eyes still looking into their soul. “Don’t you see the look it’s giving you!? It’s gonna-”
“All I see are two soldiers who are terrorizing an innocent child.”
“Innocent my flank!” one of them yelled and pointed at the colt. “That kid was on us like changelings on a vine full of black flowers!”
Shining backed up. “Vine full of what?”
“You know.” the other said. “Those sweet, tasty flowers with flavors that not even a changeling can resist…” he then started drooling. “Those things are just as good as love, if only it wasn’t harder to find.” he huffed before looking back at Shining, who was glaring at him. “What?”
“So Chrysalis did send her own drones out here too.”
Lee and Stan looked at each their disguised faces. “I think he knows.” Stan whispered.
“Gee,” Lee said, starting to drop his disguise. “you think?” He then hit Stan on the head, making his disguise go away as well.
Shining stepped back flared his horn, surrounding the colt in his aura and pulling him away from the changelings. “You two and your queen made a big mistake coming here.” He shouted.
“And you!” Lee started. “Made a mistake in...uh…in...”
“In facing us!” Stan yelled, now taking an attacking stance. “I fought you two stories ago, and I can do it again!”
“What are you talking abou-”
“CHARGE!” Stan yelled as he ran at Shining with full speed, knocking him into the streets and making him drop the child on the curb. Lee did the same to Hiver and tumbled out of the alley.
Shining threw Stan off him and got up on his hooves, only for him to be tackled again, by Stan. “Get off me, you bug!”
The stallions and mares in the street were too busy either fighting or running away from each other to notice the two guards and changelings fighting.
Hiver threw Lee over to Stan, knocking him off Shining. “Get off the captain!”
Lee and Stan quickly stood up and faced the guards. Stan growled. “Prepare yourselves for a fight that not even the author can wri-”
“CHILDREN! STOP!”
Stan and Lee’s ears perked up, hearing the sound of their queen. “C-Chrysalis?” They called out.
Shining looked around. “I heard that evil bug! Where is she?”
“Don’t talk that way to our mother!” Lee yelled. “I’ll have you-”
“Lee!”
Lee jumped as he heard his queen’s voice inches away from his ear, only to find out that she was inches away. “Q-queen?”
Chrysalis grabbed both of them. “Children, now isn’t the time to be fighting! Now’s the time to run!”
“Run?” Stan said. “Run from wha-”
“CHRYSAAAALLLIIISSS!”
The guards and changelings turned toward the end of the streets, seeing an all too familiar pink alicorn make their way toward them.
“I spoke too soon…” Chrysalis grimaced and tried to hide behind her children, which was hard with her being two times their size.
“You okay queen?” Stan asked.
“Sush! You want her to see me!”
Lee raised an eye. “What are you talking about, she can see you just fi-”
“Then make way!” Chrysalis then shoved the two bugs out of the way and started walking toward Cadance.
As for Shining and Hiver, they stood in the way of Cadance’s path. “How can you two still be fighting?” Shining asked, only for Cadance to shove him and Hiver out of the way.
“Chrysalis, please understand that all I want is for this to end!” Cadance cried out.
Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. “Oh...I indeed do plan on ending this.”
Cadance crossed her forearms and huffed. “What, like your past relationships with other stallions!”
As the argument continued, Lee and Stan made their way to Shining. “Uh...Mr. Armor?”
“What is wrong with them?” Shining said.
“It’s that colt!” Stan yelled, pointing at the colt still sitting on the sidewalk. “His magic is making every mare in this place act like this.”
“He is?” Shining flared his horn and brought the kid up to him, its smile still present on its face and its hooves still trying to reach his hair. “Hmmm…” Shining tapped his chin and looked around again, now seeing his wife and Chrysalis hugging each other. Shining sighed and turned to Hiver. “Cadent, give me a ring.”
“A ring?” Stan and Lee said in unison.
Hiver reached behind him and pulled out a green colored ring. “It’s a ring for a horn.” Hiver started to explain. “Makes it so prisoners don’t use any magic, we’re trying to be a bigger one for you bugs.” Lee glared and Stan snickered as Hiver tossed the ring to Shining.
Shining instinctively tried to grab it with his magic, only to hit him on the nose. “Ugh...keep forgetting about that.” He then picked it up with his hooves and looked at the colt, which was now chewing on his hair.
Shining pulled away and placed the ring on the little pony, though the colt didn’t seem to care as continued chewing.
As for Stan and Lee, they saw the colt scream in agony and a blast of magic shoot out of the his horn once the ring was put on, going straight up into the sky before causing a huge burst that spread across the empire.
“Okay…” Shining said. “So is every mare supposed...to...what the…” Shining started looking around in bewilderment, as did Stan, Lee, and Hiver. Now seeing a sight they never thought possible.
Every mare, even the queen and princess, were now on the ground sleeping soundly, After some time, Stan and Lee walked up to their queen. “Uh...Chrysalis...you there?” He nudged her, only to get a murmur in response.
Shining could only keep his jaw dropped and eyes wide. “T-that...it..how is...why can…”
*RIP*
Shining’s eye twitched, feeling immense pain in his head. He swallowed his screams and looked down at his apparent son, who only looked around the area with blue hair in his mouth. “You know what…” Shining sighed. “I don’t even care anymore.” He hoisted the colt on his back and turned to Hiver, who was also looking around in astonishment. “Come on, cadet, help me with Cadance.”
Hiver snapped back into the situation and nodded. “Yes sir...but...uh, what about the bugs?”
Shining turned to the changelings, who were also trying to carry Chrysalis. Shining was thinking about capturing them and their queen, but with all the chaos that was cause today, he didn’t have much energy for it, and he was pretty sure the other guards were either hiding or sleeping. “Let’s just let them off with a warning.” Shining said.
“You sure?” Hiver asked. “I mean, I could probably-”
“Can we just relax for a bit and be thankful the two changelings knew how to calm everypony down.”
“Yeah!” Stan shouted, trying to get Chrysalis on his back. “Some thanks would be nice.”
Shining rolled his eyes. “Tell you what, if you two promise to stay out of the crystal empire-”
“Believe us when we say we will.” Stan said with Lee helping hoist Chrysalis on both their backs. “We ain’t commin’ back for a while, alright?”
Hiver threw Cadance on his back and walked up to Shining. “Are you a hundred percent sure about this, captain?”
Shining nodded. “Two hundred percent sure, I’d rather not deal with a colt and three prisoners.” Shining craned his head over to the tower. “Let’s just go home.”
Hiver shrugged. “Alright, but if they come back, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”
Shining turned back to the changelings one more time, seeing them walk away with Chrysalis on their backs. He turned to the colt, seeing it was still chewing his hair. “I still have no idea what to do with you, child.”
“Set him up for adoption.” Hiver suggested. “I’m sure it can’t be that hard to buy a colt so powerful that it can control mares with his magic.”
Shining glared at him in response and continued walking. “I can already tell this just a bad story waiting to happen.”
As for Stan and Lee, they continued walking with their mother on their backs. “Guess that colt’s gonna take over Equestria.” Stan said.
“Yup.” Lee nodded. “it’s just like that story Sid told us.” He shivered. “Except this time it’s not some red colored, black haired little colt.”
“Yeah, and it doesn’t have any wings on it either.” Stan shivered too and looked ahead, still seeing every mare asleep and no stallion in sight. “You know, the empire is pretty weak right now, don’t you think we should-”
“Stan, I’d rather not have another black eye, or another invasion, or a queen that will probably make an even worse plan than before.” He adjusted his back and looked forward. “Let’s just go home and move on with our lives.”
"Fine." Stan cringed and looked behind him, seeing the colt was still looking at them, his red eyes piercing into his soul. Stan gulped and turned forward. “It’s just a story Stan...just a story…”
He then puked on the side of the road.
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I'm going to wait a few hours to read this chapter...
I read it, I'm not sure if it's legit.
Wha...?
To anyone who was worried the story would just get stupider after last chapter, congratulations you were right! I'm honestly... I don't even have words for how horrible the idea was to make the colt evil was, it's... yeah no, there's just no way you can justify that.
The story had gone downhill for the last how many chapters? Since the beginning? Because at least the premise made SOME sense before this stupidity with mare's suddenly changing emotions occurred.
I've retracted my up vote and switched it for a down vote, this story while starting strong failed horribly at the latter half.
5818362
Sorry you hate it.
Because, honestly, I kinda hate it too.
The fic went downhill once I realized I had no way to end it,
and once I made the changelings think the colt was evil. I knew others would probably take it seriously. Like you
When in reality, it was only their imagination (thanks to the scary story their brothers told them) that made them see a demonic child.
No one else...just them, changelings get so worked up over nothing that it's kinda ridiculous.
and as for why the colt changed everyone's emotions...well, I thought Chrysie not noticing how her plan prevailed in creating a child that could rule the world without even trying would be kinda funny...
Guess some people hate that joke...or they just heard it a thousand times and it gets old fast.
So, again, sorry you hate stories like this, I'll try in another story to give the people what they want and not what I want.
and thanks for letting me know too.
Seeing a comment like this is a great way to wake up and start the day.
5818585 I'm sorry for any harshness my critique contained, I'm afraid that I have a very hard time filtering my emotions but, I have to mention that having no way to end a story is not an excuse to making the story suddenly drop a good premise. The idea of Chrysalis's admitting lack of a plan beyond the basics was in character for her based on what was given to us in the show and the comic.
On the topic of the child and your explanation of it being in the changelings minds, it was not shown, implied or otherwise that the child wasn't being evil and simply using it's pony biology to hide what was really happening from Ponies and their 'happiness tinted goggles' especially once the magic binding ring was applied to him it caused everything that was going wrong to stop.
5818585
You did mayhaps a less than stellar job conveying that the changelings were just imagining the evil.
How do you do this? You just screwed us all over with the funniest thing since southpark. How?
So... Just like that it's over? It was a good story and a crap ending
...and there, I thought you saved the poor story with a wild twist. But you didn't.
First, the very poor grammar breaking the immersion way too often. Then a slow, lengthy build-up focusing on details that became insignificant over time, and glossing over important ones. Seriously, the first four chapters should have been compressed into one chapter. Plus one more chapter of character building for the drones. Then it goes towards a standard, yawn-inducing "Shining ends in a threesome" Chrysadencening ship and suddenly gets turned on its head with the foal going evil.
And then you can't make your mind on whether the foal actually is evil or not. I mean - Shining and Hiver observed the two 'lings being thrown around in the alley. What kind of power was doing that? How did the two drones, who could stand their ground in a fight against the two soldiers, end up thrown around like rag dolls? Why would the foal do this? It was seen from viewpoint of two neutral observers, not the biased changelings; it can be taken for a fact, a proof of this being for real. And then suddenly the foal goes docile again as you seemingly made your mind about the unreality of the reveal, and you back out into the non-ending.
There were good moments. The goofy slapstick of Shining-Chrysalis-Cadance exchange. The drones. The very idea of the foal being actually a villain. But the rare gems don't save the story which has an unnecessarily long start, no real ending and a schizophrenic middle.
i.imgur.com/IWQNN8V.jpg
...What the actual fuck did I just read? XD
Started off wonderful; like the Hindenburg, and ended just the same.
I am about to do something that is LONG overdue: give you constructive criticism.
To be honest, this story was pretty great. The writing itself is fantastic as usual; the way you look into some of the baser qualities of a character reminds me of the comedic asides that writers would put into classical plays to cleanse the pallet of the previous act and bring a sprinkling of levity into an otherwise dismal tale. The concept of the pony/changeling hybrid having the powerful, yet uncontrollable, ability to alter ponies emotions was pretty well executed; the child is still a newborn and canonically unicorn foals are known to go through a phase where they cast spells well beyond anypony their age should be able to do and you took total advantage of the genes of the strongest guard and the Changeling Queen in a city-wide lust poison burst. *tips cap*
However, I do have one complaint. I am sure you have heard this before, but the one scene that really took me out of the immersion was when the baby revealed itself to the changelings as a supreme conqueror. What makes this scene so unpalatable isn't the execution or the idea of the baby being the villain, it's where you used it.
I personally LOVE the trope of Stan and the other Changelings having wild flights of fear and imagination, it's what gave Celestiphobia and Celestiphilia such great characterization! However, I feel like it doesn't work in this story because of the continuity it has with either of those stories: nothing. When I first read this story, right from the beginning, I felt like this tale was in a setting in-and-of itself. I saw a story that was independent of all your previous writings, and found it to have a more serious undertone than anything you wrote before. I witnessed not the patient, understanding and noble Queen Chrysalis standing in the background, guiding her subjects (who take the spotlight), but a beaten, maddened and selfish Queen Chrysalis grasping at straws trying to deal with her failures (albeit comedicaly most of the time, but I digress). I felt the emotions and confusion of everyday people as this new and unexpected entity became thrown into their lives. I TASTED the panic and fear when everything started to go to hell.
And then the fucking baby talked.
To reiterate, I don't think that the maniacal baby visions was a bad idea, it was just used in a place where the trope made no sense. I 100% believe that if you made a third installment of Stan's adventures where he and Celestia had a child and had to deal with the pressure of status and raising a newborn, the evil baby would work flawlessly. And it would work because the fantasy trope is well established in that timeline, not because it is your signature trope, not because Stan is your flagship OC, but because it fits in.
6079535
I really do appreciate the constructive criticism. Helps me sleep at night.
And yes. I know making the child talk was a GIGANTIC mistake,
shoulda realized that when I uploaded it.
Another mistake I saw was early on with the "sex fight" chapter...
I lost alota viewers doing that, and I know why...
As for shoehorning in Stan and his brothers...I don't really have an excuse...
I mean, besides him being my aparent "OC" (right next to Twig) and I can't help but bring him in from time to time in my fics.
But, you're right, I shouldn't have brought my other stories into this one, it wasn't right.
and as for the ending...I gave up...
t like this to ever happen again.
I gave up on the fic when others gave up on the fic.
I had no motivation to continue it when I saw people were hating it, and I didn't even bother trying...
Mostly because it was pointless, there was no way to fix what happened, it's over...
It's a mistake I made, and I have learned from it...so don't expect sh
I'm kinda on the verge of just deleting this story because of how bad I ended it.
and I doubt just "fixing it" it gonna help...
But anyways...thanks for the criticism. It's good to read something nice from this story's comments.
6079751 any time
Is there a sequel to this story? It would be hilarious if there was a sequel... Maybe like the birth of Snow Flurry will be the nemesis of that little runt? That would be something!
What's the little guy's name...? I seem not to find other then the little fella' being called colt.
God, I hate Chrysalis. It's already bad that Shining Armor was shown to be weak and inferior and was humiliated by getting mind-controlled and turned into someone's puppet and not being able to free himself or even resist in the least and having to be saved, but then it turns out Chrysalis also raped him while he was controlled? That's just depressing. And he cheated on his wife. Yes, I still think it counts as cheating. I don't think any blame can be put on him, but his relationship with Cadence was violated, and that can't be undone. It's even worse if you imagine he was a virgin saving himself for Cadence, and now they can never have his/their 1st time together. Shining Armor keeps getting the short end of the stick. I always want him to get horrible, brutal revenge on her for just the mind-control alone as mind-control/possession is something that very much upsets me.
I hate what the fandom does to him. So many of the stories he's in make him lose to the threat and die, so many of the comedies he's in are jokes at his expense, and so much of the porn he's in has him getting mind-controlled, raped, tricked into cheating on his wife making him look like an idiot for not figuring it out, and cucked. It's way more than every other character. Why does the fandom hate him so much? If he's such a supposedly beloved, popular character, why do the creators keep doing this to him? That's a funny way of showing it; they don't do this stuff nearly as much with any other character. It's actually made me hate Shining Armor because most of my experiences with him are negative. Whipping boy characters who always lose are depressing to experience.
And in the actual show, he keeps losing to the villains and physically and emotionally breaking down in other episodes too, because in the normal, slice-of-life episodes he's in, they keep making him physically and/or emotionally break down for comedy, and it actually makes me question how he's captain of the royal guard.
And I'm not criticizing you or saying it's objectively wrong to have a story where any of these things or anything else bad happens to Shining Armor or blaming any individual person. I know this isn't an "objective" complaint. I'm just speaking for myself. This is just me venting.
Uhhhhhhhhhhh.....
I never laughed so hard this was a great fun story and I enjoyed reading it
That is one scary foal