[FIXED] Episode 55: I HATE Trains!!
Lightning Chaser groans but soon gets right back up. She gets right in your face and whispers in a menacing voice.
"I will burn the HEART out of you..." she hisses.
As you are grumbling about how lady luck has it out for you and that one of these days she's gonna end up killing you or worse (you have a very... vivid imagination), when you notice Lighting getting back up from her impact with the wall, and you swear you hear her mumbling something about a "Blue box" and "Drinking to munch ginger beer." You decide to question your insane acquaintance later and you quickly turn around to see if she is okay. What you don't notice is that when you turned, you accidentally bumped into the would-be bandit (who managed to get out of the luggage landslide when the train stopped) causing him to stuble and bump right into the blue minotaur from before. The blue minotaur puts down the book he's reading and glares at the bandit for interrupting his reading. The would-be bandit snaps,
"What you looking at, ya freak?!"
The minotaur stands up from his seat showing his full size as he towers over the "bandit". The bandit chuckles nervously and quickly takes out a pair of glasses from out of nowhere and he puts them on. He then says in a nervous tone,
"Uhhhh....you wouldn't hit a stallion with glasses would you?"
The minotaur only snorts before he takes the glasses off of the bandit and smacks him with them. The bandit rubs his sore cheek before looking up at the minotaur and gulping in fear.
"I'll take that as a no..."
The minotaur nods his head before he rears his fist back and says,
"When somepony interrupts your reading,
Commence with the bleeding!"
The sounds of pain are heard thoughout the world that day...
Of course you don't notice that at all as you are far more worried about Lighting's condition that you don't hear a thing.
"Hey...are you okay? Do you need any help?"
Lighting only glares at you and she hisses to you in a low menacing tone,
"I swear to Celestia's sun I will burn the HEART out of you....."
You only gulp in fear at her threat because you have a feeling that she isn't bluffing and that somehow she will burn your heart out. Heck, if looks could kill then you'd be dead by now. That and the insane smile she has is not helping you calm your nerves. But your inner bug (and what little pride you have (lets face it you pretty much have barely any pride left after what's been happening to you)) is telling you to stand up for yourself.
Let's see... follow my pride and stand up to my insane friend who can probably kill me in one second, or just run away like the coward I am and live to see another day...
You think about this for a few seconds before, you being you go with the first option.
I've lost too much of my buggy pride since I started my vow of righteousness, it's time I gain some of it back... even if that pride comes from standing up to my most crazy friend ever... Wait, she is my friend right?
You shrug off your question for later before you decide to go ahead and...
You look at lightning chase with your "brave face" and say the coolest, totally not-thrown-together-in-10-seconds -at-all Line in history: " yeah? well I'm going to punch your face...... in the face!"
You put on your "brave fave" and you say the coolest, totally-not-thrown-together-in-ten-seconds-at-all line in the history of lines...
"Yeah well... I'm gonna punch your face... Um, in the face!"
...
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHBWAHAHAHAHAH!"
You lower your head in shame as Lighting continues to laugh at your horrible excuse of a come-back. This goes on for quite awhile, until finally she stops laughing and she looks at you with a bemused expression and says
"Is that the best you got?"
You sigh in defeat and nod your head "yes". Lighting laughs some more before saying ,
"Well... time to punch you!"
You nod your head in de-WAIT what!? The next thing you know your soaring out of a nearby window with a sore cheek and you hear
"AND THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU GET BETWEEN ME AND THE BATHROOM!"
What you didn't know is that when you were punch out of the train, you knock into the beaten-up bandit, causing him to flip in the air before he landed painfully on his back with mini yous circling his head making a "coo coo" sound.
You are soaring though the air towards that blasted forest... again!
I swear if something doesn't stop me from going to that blasted forest again, then so help me-
Before you can finish your mental rant, you get caught in a magical aura and begin to be pulled back to the train, and you begin to wonder why and how when...
Get out of the train and try to sneak away, only to be caught by the train's staff who think you're another crew member trying to skip work and they drag you to the broken part of the rail (commence patching with vise-grips, WD-40, and duct tape)
You are hovered upside down in front of the unicorn conductor and he's giving you a mean glare.
"And just where do you think you're going?"
You looked at him confused and say,
"I was on my way to that blasted forest before you kindly stopped me, thank you for that very much by the way. Now if you could be so kind as to put me down. I have mares to hide fro- I mean a book that needs reading."
The conductor gives you a sly smile before he levitates you over to the broken rail that caused the train to be stopped. He then gently puts you down next to the rail (and by that you mean he roughly dropped you right on top of it head first). and tells you in a commanding tone,
"Lousy try lackey, I've been around trains long enough to recognize a work-dodging slacker! You can get to reading your book after you patch up this rail! And you can't come back on till it's fixed!" and slams the door before you can protest.
You would have shouted at him that this is a mistake, but you decide it would be better for your health if you just fixed the rail. With that thought in mind you think of your patching tools (vise-grips, WD-40, and duct tape) and you take them out of The Inventory and you get to work.
20 MINUTES LATER
After alot of of hard work, determination, and a few bruises (still getting the hang of using vise-grips as a hammer) you manage to patch up the rails.
With that patching job, they'll probably last a week or two at most before it breaks. Hopefully someling will come by and fix it for good by then. You think to yourself as you get back on the train. The conductor announces that the train will continue moving again in a few moments and you think you should just get off now, but...
Don't tempt Lady Luck. As bad as the situation on the train might be, wandering off to Luna knows where is just asking for trouble. There's always a road worse than the one you're on. After thinking for a moment, you write that down. Nightshade might need to hear that one day, and what kind of father would you be if you don't have any advice for your daughter?
You really don't want to temp lady luck anymore so then you have so far. As bad as the situation is (an angry Lighting Chaser, the five mares who all want you dead) wandering off to Luna knows where (especially that stupid forest) is just asking for trouble.
There's always a road worse then the one you're on. You think to yourself with words of (actual) wisdom. You smile at what you just said and think
You know what, I should write that down. Who knows, Nightshade might need to hear that one day, and considering that I'm her father, I know that she will need plenty of advice in the future.
Just as you are about to think and grab your notebook and pencil from The Inventory, you can't help but think...
Comment on how the disguise spell is lasting alot longer than usual... Cue disguise spell failing and you cursing yourself for jinxing it.
I'm surprised my disguise spell has lasted this long. Usually by now it would have *poof* wore... off...
Just as you're thinking that, your disguise spell gives out and you turn back into your old buggy self. Just before you can hide or curse your jinxing, you hear the door in front of you opening and you turn to see... the six mares are standing there staring at you...
"I would just like to say that I now officially hate trains." You say to them in a deadpanned tone.
What do you do?
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Before the Mares can do anything to you, the badly bruised bandit suddenly bursts in with his (now broken) knife and screams "FOR THE LAST BUCKING TIME! EVERYPONY GET THEM HOOVES UP OR I'M GONNA START... slicing... ponies..." and freezes as he sees six angry (and one confused) glares in his direction.
"Why didn't I stay in law school-"(*Cue beatdown by Rainbow Dash and Applejack*)
Try to sneak away in the confusion, but Twilight, Pinkie, or Rarity proclaim "Where do you think you're going!". Cue RCV "LOOK! A DISTRACTION!" and obligatory wacky chase scene.
During the chase, you ram into Lightning Chaser and get knocked to the ground. Seeing an opportunity to escape the mares AND get some payback, you quickly disguise yourself as Lightning Chaser and say in a terrified voice "HELP! This brute assaulted me, turned into me, and is trying to mug me!" Before Lightning Chaser can do anything, Lady Luck decides to cut you a small break as the crazy mare is attacked by the three mares.
(BTW, forevertheDoctor we can't have Lightning Chaser be a Mary Sue so I HIGHLY doubt she will single-hoofedly beat up the Mane 6)
Dive, jump, or get knocked out of train only to painfully fall, tumble, and bump down cliff into the Everfree Forest
OR
Accidentally knock out the conductor, causing the train to speed out of control (did I mention the train also happens to be hauling fertilizer, matches, and dynamite and is basically now a missile the size of the Canter building)
)
-------
I'm heading to the care package site. And my favorite reference is the Firefly ones (and it totally has NOTHING to do with the fact I'm the gorram browncoat who suggested it
*reads chapter title* B- b- but... I like trains. *gets hit by a train from nowhere*
And the hitting a guy, with glasses. I see what you did there.
Immediately you begin to wonder what you ever did to the universe to make it hate you so much. I mean this is like the tenth time every single one of them has caught you with your metaphorical trousers down. You start to think that now might not be such a bad time to take that worse path and jump off the train that will soon be filled with pain.
-AND/ OR-
Wait a minute, Twilight is a librarian, who has an obsession with books. She must have had thousand back in that library... house... tree thing? Whatever, you get an idea. It's drastic, but might just save your buggy skin. You pull out all your Sureclop Homes novels and a can of WD-40 and yell "Nopony move or the books get it!"
Favorite reference: that one from Spaceballs during the fight with Trixie.
Doctor Who, various times throughout.
You decide that this is an opportune time to check your inventory!
Hold up a Book and say, "Back or the book gets it". (The books are hundreds of years old. They did come from the ancient castle, after all. Very valuable first editions.)
Say:
"Its all a lie, its HIM!"
and point at the conducter.
While they turn to look teleport to the other side of the train.... And land on a dog cage.
Rabid dog.
Timberwolf maybe?
RUN, MAN, RUN!!!!!!!!
You slowly edge toward the window, ready to jump out at a moment's notice in case Twilight manages to capture the book in your holey hoof. Given Twilight's urging her friends backward so that they don't harm the ancient tome, you take a bit of time to insult them on your way out...
"Well, well, well. What have we here? A violent speciesist Nazi, her rampaging harm-everything terrorist wife, a purple pseudo-pacifist puppet to the crown, an escapee from the mental institution, a whining prissy voodoo-doll stabbing priestess, and a pathetic, unassertive failure to do what's right." (You're giving some tough love to Fluttershy right now). "While I'd be honored to accept your thanks for my saving Appleloosa from imminent war by diverting their attentions from each other and uniting them under a single enemy, I'm still not over the fact that you all want to kill my daughter. therefore, gratifying you with my presence is no longer a desirable option for me. You have all caused me nothing but pain. I'll take this moment to wish the same unto you for what you've done." You take the inventory and hop off.
You need to spend a little time bonding with nightshade. You haven't had much chance to talk with her unless she's eating something or popping out of inventory at the wrongest of moments.
4694514
Before you go, you bump into something on the way out the window.
Thank you for pressing the Self-destruct button. This train will self-destruct in 3 minutes.
4694514
I get that
Twilight: purple pseudo-pacifist puppet to the crown
Pinkie Pie: Escapee from the mental institution
Rarity: whining prissy voodoo-doll stabbing priestess
Fluttershy: pathetic unassertve failure to do what's right
But which one is "violent species-ist Nazi" and which one is "rampaging harm-everything terrorist wife"? cause those two insults seem interchangable.
Don't get me wrong, I love this idea for Bugze's calling the Mane 6 out, but personally for
and 
I'd go with
Applejack: violent species-ist hick
Raibow Dash: arrogant fillyfooler with serious anger issues
You point behind the mares and yell, "LOOK! A distrac-" Your mouth freezes shut in a purple aura. Twilight smirks and says, "Not this time."
You might as well fall limp on the ground, because you're boned. All you have left is the inventory...
Please, please, please, use the book idea. That is genius.
My favorite reference, and still one of my favorite lines, is "THIS IS MY MEAT SHIELD! THERE ARE MANY LIKE HER BUT THIS ONE IS MINE!"
If you know how to do it, use the magic-disabling spell Twilight used on you earlier and cast it on Rarity and Twilight. That will buy you time.
( sorry for bad grammar im typing this with my phone) As you stare at the mares in horror you cant help but think this cant get any worse. * meanwhile* a loveing father just finished reading his book, yes his life was perfect. He had a wife and the best foal a stallion could ask for, and he was two days from retirement. Yes his life was perfect. Suddenly a foal came trotting into the room. His father gave a warm smile. "why hello son." His son stared back giveing a smile "i like trains!" To this his father chuckled. "hehehe yes you do son, yes you do." * meanwhile* as you looked at thosr crazey psychopathic mares you just now realize your standing on an intersection. Looking to your left, you see a train coming your way. Joy. You take five steps back as the train passes you notice its a cargo train. You decide to attempt to do what you deem the most effective way to lose the guards in "GTA Los santos" which would be to and make your grand get away by jumping on a trains flat bed. Looking to your left you spot one, and just ONE! You had to time this right. You get in a pounceing positi and jump literally one second before the your tsrget passes you. You sigh in relief at not haveing to get murdered by mares. You wernt exactly sure where the train was going, but its got to better than the same town as those psychopaths. Mabey its los Pegasus! That way you win all your money back!..... With a luck of negative ten..... Whatever as long as its away from those mares.....
4694539
You silently panic. Pff and you where suppose tp be the Bucking good guy! You swear to celestia every time you try to do something good or evil the exact opposite happens! In your silent panic you press the button again. *self destruct sequence now beginning in 2 minutes* Buuuuuuuuuu-
4694765
Wha-what?! Look a distractin didn't work?!! Yhis had never happened before. It was time to dish out the big guns. Useing your own magic you envelop yourself to cancrl out twilight s magic and yell "LOOK AN EVEN BIGGER DISTACTION!!!! " To this every pony looks slack jawed at the open air behind them. You use this distaction (see what i did there?) to engage your ultimate plan: hold a book hostage. Uou would have to take the time to marval at your flawless logic later.
You gulp. This might be the end, and if it is truly the end, then you're going to end how you begun.
"HEY, LOOK, A DISTRACTION!"
Nopony looks. You are a dead bug.
Me: "o-ok. WELL, YOU HEARD HIM! GET TO WORK MOTHER (boop)!!!!"