Loop

by Aquaman

One

It’d taken years to get it right. Months, maybe. Had it been days? Who had time for time when it no longer held any meaning?

But no matter. He’d found him. He’d gone through the loop countless times, followed it through and explored every corner and figured out where it began and ended and began again. And now he’d found him. The stallion was back, spawned into the loop for the first time. He’d caught him just at the end of the orphanage fire, just in time to save him from being burnt to a crisp. He could’ve let him die there, of course, but that would’ve be no good. He was more special than that. More important than that.

The stallion—ungrateful little whelp—kicked and screamed all the way into the storage closet, where they’d be safe for the time being in this loop. Even when he was inside, he still wouldn’t stop babbling, but Steel Screw’s ears weren’t the best anymore. It wasn’t a danger, wasn’t a problem.

“W... w-wh...” the stallion stammered. “Who are you?”

It was, however, incredibly annoying.

“No, I’m not gonna shut up until you tell me who you are and what the... what is this pla–”

“No, nononono, you’re ruining it, you’re ruining it!”

The stallion backpedaled as Sparks came at him, stopping just an inch or two in front of his nose. He could see him well in the moonlight now: brown coat, greasy hair, grungy hospital scrubs. Just like he remembered. Just like he knew it would be.

“Don’t you know?” he said, a giddy grin splitting across his face. “When the stars come out, there’s ghosts about.”

He bounded over to the door again, and bit his tongue in anticipation. Wait for it. Wait for it...

“I don’t believe in ghosts,” the stallion said.

Bingo.

“Oh, but you do, Doctor Sparks,” he immediately replied. “You most certainly, indubitably do.”

Comments

[Dragonborne Fox]

Holy shit. Some parts left me confused at first, but then it was all explained....WOW.

[Tauntalus]

Oh, but you do, Doctor Sparks, you most certainly, indubitably do.

Narrow and close, my friend, narrow and close... You sir, are very good at creating atmosphere and writing a genuinely chilling story. It sickened me, it thrilled me, and it truly scared me at times. congrats.

[SIGAWESOME]

4407062

Narrow and close, my friend, narrow and close...

I do not know if this was intentional or not, but the the song/music from the Resident Evil OST with the same name is quite apropos to this story.

I find it a bit hard to imagine that Dr. Sparks never dealt with his "problem" instead of ignoring it and trying to forget it. That is certainly not something you should be carrying around inside, repressed and festering. Should not have Dr Sparks gone to somepony he trusts and has dealt with similar "events" when his first "event" happened? (Intentionally vague here so as to try not to spoil the story for future readers; you should be able to get what I am referring to once you reach the end). Yes it is certainly is a tragedy when "those things" happen, but if you cannot make your peace with it in some healthy way, you are most assuredly in the wrong field...

Minor nitpick aside, I loved this creepy story.

[Crusading Cutie]

Well that was certainly a chilling, albeit short, ride. Loved the creepy atmosphere, and this from someone who normally can't stand horror.

[paiohelohelo]

Great story, great atmosphere and dialogue, but I think my favorite part was how well you showed Sparks' mental state steadily deteriorating as he endured those hellish experiences, very reminiscent to me of the uncanny feeling I got from reading Stephen King's "Survivor Type" (totally diff circumstances, i know, but still... shiver me timbers!). Btw I totally agree with you, there should definitely be a horror tag here, as well as more great horror stories on FIMfiction! :D

Thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed it. Cograts on the EqD post, too!

[Pinkie Pie Smile HD]

img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120505132313/callofduty/images/6/63/PI_The_Wanderer_that_is_Alone_Pinkie_pie.png

[CriticalReviewSection]

I had figured about the other stallion. I guess I'm still sort of confused, though, as to the locations he was taken to. Do they hold significance to each "ghost"? That would be my assumption because of the colt, but then, some seemed less pertinent. And what did happen when he was being chased by the invisible "ghost"? Why did he teleport and jump forward in time one day? Oh, and just to confirm, the way out of the loop that future Sparks referred to was death, right? Hence contemporary Sparks going to find new loop Sparks, so that new loop Sparks would eventually kill him, the way contemporary did future?

Even with me being confused by some things like that though, this was expertly done. As said by previous readers, a very nicely done atmosphere, and you went through Sparks's mental transformation very well.

[Axan Zenith]

[Therax]

vaguely reminds me of like madoka magica, or such. also (ignoring the multiple paradoxes), is killing yourself from a different time suicide?

[Tauntalus]

4407531 yes, that was very much an intentional reference. I am not completely oblivious to nostalgic video games.

[playnwin]

I could sit down and try to figure out what happened, but I got the general gist and was really creeped out. All in all, a good story.

[Hap]

I can't say I didn't see it coming. I mean, the title of the story is "Loop" after all.

I'm still confused whether there's an actual time spell going on, or that's the explanation his mind came up with when he went insane, and it's all in his head now. I bet that's intentional.

But, if the rest of the ponies in the loop continue to wander after their deaths... will his own death be enough to break him out of the loop? I suppose he never saw his dead future-self wandering the halls, but the story cut to the future-Sparks before we could see that.

Guilt is a bitch to deal with. Even if your rational self tells you that there's nothing you could have done, that it wasn't your fault, it'll still tear you up. Never once did Sparks ever mention or think about friends or family who he could have talked to for help, which is why I think it was a psychotic break rather than an actual time loop. My theory, anyway.

[Soge]

There is a review for this story here.

[Thomasfactoryuntold]

Where is the link to the reading if loop?