Pinkie Pie is proud of being a super-duper-party-pony, so what does she do when another pony comes into town claiming to be just like her? She does what any same pony would do, she kills him.
Dark alternative take on 'Pinkie Pride' where Pinkie kills Cheese Sandwich, and disposes of the remains. You've been warned
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clawingmywaytothetop.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/brian-williams-donald-trump-meme-generator-so-that-happened-4ef0fe.jpg
I mean, it felt like it lacked buildup. It ended up being really anticlimactic and rushed.
I would recommend fleshing it out and getting a proper editor+proofreader.
4186338
yeah, unfortunately I was writing it in the middle of the night while half-asleep, and I wasn't entirely sure where I was going with it until I wrote it out, and well... this is what came out. Thanks for advice, not sure how I'd go about using it, but thank you.
4186430
Then you shouldn't have completed it or published it.
By all means write when you feel the need but give yourself a day to look it over and see where you went wrong and where it can be improved.
The idea behind it isn't bad but you're missing the buildup and the climax comes way too quickly. Why not have this as a slow buildup. First it's Rainbow Dash and Pinkie is a little put out but isn't too upset. She's actually enjoying some other pony's party and thinks that maybe she can take some pointers from him. But then he pulls this on her again. And again, And again. And soon it's Cheese Sandwich that people think is the party pony of Ponyville and he's the first one they go to when a party needs to be set up. The last straw being when Mayor Mare asks him to set up some grand event that Pinkie Pie had been looking forward to doing.
Then she goes nuts and plans her revenge. But she takes it slowly. Worming her way into Cheese Sandwich's confidence and offering her serivices. Making herself more and more part of the preparations until finally when the moment is right she strikes and takes him out. Her madness now complete she finishes the decorations and when everypony shows up they're sickened and disgusted by what they see. The auditorium is festooned with the remains of Cheese Sandwich. His bowels are the streamers. His organs are the balloons. His teeth and hair are now the confetti that she shoots out of her party cannon.
Pinkie is finally led away, completely mad and jibbering about how wonderful a party it was and how she really needs to do it again. The next day we find the doctors tasked with curing her dead and scattered across the room like so many decorations and scrawled in blood on the wall, "Where's the next party?".
4186888
Wow! That's an absolutely epic idea! Now my little venture into Pinkie's mind seems inadequate. I'm really starting to rethink my story, maybe I should just scrap the idea.
4186888
Ah, the good old days of constant partying ...
4189926
yeah, that's about the half of it
4189962 I like your story. Why does it have down votes?
4242771
Probably cause it could've been better, that seems to be what most of the comments said. I appreciate you enjoying the story, especially since I wrote it in the span of something close to an hour.
4245174 I know how it feels. My story Ace Combat: Divided Feelings was getting down votes because some people thought it could of been better. Want to check it out?
4245202
Yeah, I'll read the stories it's a sequel to first, then read it, sounds interesting
Great story but not enough gore to qualify as mature. Also, it's cool that not only did you come up with the title long before that episode aired, but they both have something to do with Cheese Sandwich. I wonder if someone at Hasbro saw this.
10309493
Thanks for letting me know. When I made the story I wasn't sure what the limits where. I'll change the rating when I get a chance.
I didn't even think about the title! That's so true! I wonder if I did inspire someone now