Amateur fanfic writer and reader. Sometimes I get dreams, dreams of ponies, and wish that someone would write a story based off them. So why not me?
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Sleep is an interesting thing. For some creatures, it is a an undesired necessity. Children, for example, will refuse to go to bed, no matter how tired they truly are.
Spike is a child and it doesn't matter how much he's yawning or how much difficult he has keeping his little balance; he is not tired and he will not sleep.
"Bedtime," says Twilight.
"Not without a fight," says Spike.
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Why do I keep reading sad stories if I hate myself afterwards.....
Good story.
Loved the story. It was really heartwarming and simple, the best kind in my opinion. Thanks for posting!
Um... It was a great story, but dragons live for thousands of years in most literature & sleep for a century but wake up afterwards. I've even read stuff where they have no upper lifespan limit. They needed to be slain to be killed. Plus, I always imagined Spike outlasting the alicorns or at least the artificial ones AKA Cadence & Twilight.
But it was still a wonderful story, keep up the good work. roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/spikeletter.png
4006868
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In all seriousness, I have seen such examples as well, but, to be fair, this is not most literature. Still, I'm glad someone is willing to make comparisons. That's always fun.
This was a beautiful story.
WAHHHHH! You cruel bastard! You tricked me into thinking this was going to be a cute little story (it was for the most of it actually) but that ending! Why would you do that to me?
The first story that actually made me feel empty inside. That deserves at least some recognition.
Thumbs up and faved.
Reading something like this really makes me wish there was more I could do to express how good I really think this one-shot is.
Dear author;
You are a horrible, horrible person. Have an upvote.
Signed:
~Starcat5
4006868
If I thought having Spike living past Twilight would have made a better story, I would have written it that way. Two of my other stories do in fact feature an older Spike who has outlived Twilight, but that's because it made sense, it made the story. Those stories were about Spike enduring, about going through life and finding new meaning in it when the world seems empty. Those stories were about Spike moving on, but never forgetting who and what he lost.
This is not that kind of story.
This is not A Hoard of Memories or Patience, She Said. No, this story is about how some bonds never change. Time passes by and while statues and castles and mountains erode away, some bonds do not. In this story, Twilight will always be the older, wiser comforter and Spike always will be her young frightened charge. Even after a thousand years later and Spike's no longer that little baby we see in the show, Twilight's still the one to tuck him into bed and stay with him until he falls asleep. Note the parallels in the beginning, the middle, and finally the end, how each begins with Spike's reluctance to go to bed and ends with him finally conceding only because of Twilight's presence.
If I changed it, if I decided to follow your design, your headcanon, this story would have taken a different route with a different message. Perhaps it would be a story about how one grows up and takes the role of another, when the caregiver becomes the care receiver. Perhaps it would be a great story.
But it would not be this story, nor would it convey the message I wanted it to have.
Great story. Sad at the end but "Telle est la vie".
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In the past two stories you've featured Spike DYING. Cut it out!
(You get my like.)
4012405
Aw, but I'm so good at it.
Okay, this had a lot less emotional impact than I was expecting. I'm a little disappointed, put bluntly. I had originally been expecting it to be about one of Spike's century long naps. To find out it was about his death? Well, let's see...
I feel that this really ruined the story for me. It's far too blunt and completely gives away what's going on. There's no room for ambiguity at all. There's no question of what's wrong with Spike. And it's because it's all so clear that there is just no punch to the blow.
I feel like a lot more emphasis could have been placed on this. It's a powerful line, but not nearly enough emphasis was given to it to make it really effective.
I think you can do a lot better than this, Messenger. (Also, you should get a proofreader to check over a few bits and pieces of grammar. You kept capitalizing unicorn as if it were a proper noun, and it was most distracting.) I hope this is helpful in improving your writing and I look forward to whatever you publish next.
(Probably better than what I was planning; I'm currently staring at 500 words of complete and utter nonsense as I tried to sound witty and clever and only succeeded at coming across as highly obnoxious...)
4013202
You raise some valid points and I appreciate the critique. The capitalization of Unicorn's a force of habit and partially because autocorrect often capitalizes Pegasus.
Oh another thing: you titled the chapter "Two More Minutes", so I was honestly expecting that line to be repeated each time Spike went to bed. I read your blog on this idea, and that's what I thought you were going to do. Perhaps it was simply down to this false expectation, but I found myself pretty disappointed that you didn't do that, and I feel it would have been more effective if you had done it.
But that's just me. Perhaps it's overdone? *shrug*
4013228
aye, pegasus, unicorn and earth ponies shouldn't be capitalized (unless, of course, you consider Equestria to be on the planet Earth, in which case you might just be able to get away with capitalizing Earth ponies...)
There were a few other issues such as grammar slipups and basic basic stuff that no reader actually cares about but because I'm an editor I had flashy lights bling bling all over my brain gah the pain.
You know, the usual.
4013228 Thanks...now I'll need to wait a month before reading this to let myself forget this. I always read comments first and get spoilers! Why?!?!
4013246
Well, I've always considered each species to be more equivalent to race or tribe, which is a reason why I've always capitalized them.
4013230
It was a line I wanted to include but I had difficulty deciding where I could place it without breaking flow. An entire other story could have been based on that line.
This was pretty darn good, but I found that it moved too fast. A little description to break up the dialogue would have been nice. I found myself rushing through lines that were supposed to be said slowly towards the end; it really hampered the emotional impact.
Wrong ending. You should've continued, with Twilight later watching a few baby dragons playing with each other. Mixed colors, some of which being either purple or green.
What, you'd think that he'd get a mate in the few millennia a Dragon lives.
4018639 You're looking for some sort of endless cycle, whereas the author wanted to demonstrate unbroken bonds. Your ending would serve you more than it would serve the intended story.
Also, going up to an author and literally saying, "Wrong ending, <here's what you should have done>," is really, really tactless. You earned your downvotes on THAT comment.
4039066 huh. 4 downvotes. Actually didn't see that coming. Maybe I should've put a little more effort into making sure I don't seen like an asshole...
But I still stand by what I said. Not because it serves me in any way (I mean, really, could you elaborate with what that was supposed to mean?), or because hey, we need to throw some baby dragons in there to point out that Spike didn't die a virgin or whatever...
Thing is, Twilight was left alone. She'd be left to bury everyone she ever held dear. I'm not saying she should see those kids and think "hey, why am I still alive when everyone else dies around me?". I'm saying she should have some sort of coping mechanism, seeing new life take over and fill the void. That her old friend isn't completely gone.
It doesn't defeat the "unbroken bonds" gig. It just adds a little contrast and glimmer of hope in a cold background.
4039144 I said that it "serves you" because your ending "adds a little contrast and glimmer of hope" to the story, and that apparently isn't what the author had in mind.
Twilight isn't left alone. She has the other princesses, she has her subjects, she has her own current and future friends and her memories.
The story isn't about Twilight specifically, it's about how Spike saw and felt about Twilight, even after X,XXX years. Twilight has already lost hundreds of friends by this point; Spike might be a very hard loss, but making this story suddenly be about how she copes with loss, or finding new hope about the future, wouldn't be THIS story.
Also, I don't think you're an a-hole! I just think your phrasing was tactless and your intent--to change this story to fit your own ideals--is kind of presumptuous.
I broke...why do I do this to myself!
I think my heart broke. Tears not spillen, but myheart definitly broke.
4039144
When I was younger, I would have probably loved that ending. I used to hate stories that gave you some ambiguous ending, with no clear resolution and that left you with an empty feeling.
Maybe I've just grown horribly cynical over the last ten years or maybe after taking a few university level courses on literature, I've come to appreciate that feeling a story without resolution leaves you with. If there is one thing I do like about modernistic writing, it's the tendency to force you to think afterwards, to question and ask and decide for yourself what happened in the end.
Whoopsie
Ok..
your a good writer...
but you need to...
to stop making stories like... like...
like THIS
!
P.S. You forgot the "for" in this sentence:
I'm serious though, stop it
!
Poor Spike. His predicament hit close to home (the fear of falling asleep bit, not the never waking up bits).
(Boring personal anecdote ahead!)
The meds I currently have to take sometimes do my head in and give me such exquisite nightmares; the kind where you bolt awake hyperventilating in a jagged red panic. There are times I want nothing more than to hug Significant Other tightly and force myself to stay awake as long as possible. *shiver*
Being afraid to fall asleep sucks...
4006868
Warning! I had a case of philosophical diarrhea.
Something in your comment got my mind a gurgling!
I got my deepest pony thoughts all over the place!
Dragons might indeed live that long in some fictions. Not all fictions are the same. They may very well have been millennia old, and had simply been speaking about how centuries felt like snippets of time to them now. Blink, and another century has passed them by. Maybe Spike happened to have had a short life. If dragons eat gems, and a hoard makes dragons greedy, maybe Spike, by choosing to live civilly, chose not to succumb to greed, and kept his hoard small, but in doing so also accepted a shorter life span. Fair? No. Possible... I wouldn't count it out of the realm of possibility.
As for alicorns... Who knows. Maybe they live for thousands of years, or even tens or hundreds of thousands... Who knows, but I believe even they eventually pass on. Maybe they will live till the world itself dies and can not sustain them... I have read horrifyingly sad stories about that, and even worse... I do believe that alicorns, unlike what some ads world have you think of diamonds, are not forever. Just VERY long lived.
Back on the subject of alicorns, Cadance and Twilight are no more artificial than Celestia and Luna. Pony society seems to function strongly as a form of meritocracy, where special talents are raised up as a life goal and supported by both society and culture. Twilight and Cadance both transcended the expected limitations of their special talents by their own deeds, and became something greater... Cadance with her love spell that brings love and tolerance between ponies, and Twilight not just mastering her talent for magic, but inventing an all new branch of Harmony magic. Though the show has not indicated as such, I believe Celestia and Luna ascended as well, a LONG time ago. I believe that they found magic to link them with the sun and moon, whereas legions of unicorns together merely moved them (or alternately, the planet in relation to the star, and the moon in relation to the planet), Celestia and Luna found a means to find a deeper magical connection between the celestial bodies. They gained their cutiemarks, either upon such a discovery, or as members of the old unicorn teams. At some point, I suspect they ascended as a result of their celestial connection. While I can certainly enjoy stories that have them born as alicorns, I really have a love for alicorn ascension.
All that having been said, you "artificial" comment felt kind of insulting toward Twilight and Cadance. I do not elevate Tia or Luna to be anything higher than ascended ponies. They have power with their celestial connections, but they are ponies. No more, and no less.
No more, in that they are ponies. They are not above ponies in any way save for extra appendages, more ability, and more power. They are certainly not gods. They can falter and make mistakes. They are still the same flesh and blood of a pony, and are not invincible.
Likewise, they are no less than ponies. They still feel. They experience all that in life that is a pony. They have the same thoughts and drives of a pony. They need to love and be loved. They need to have companions. They are not so high above ponies as to be unapproachable. If the show has made it any more clear, Celestia does NOT like when ponies do that. It makes her visibly uncomfortable. Luna descended into her own darkest hour because she felt unloved and unappreciated by the "day loving" ponies.
I don't know. I guess I'm half ranting, and half philosophizing. I really loved the story. Sweet, then heartwarming, then sad, but still very, very sweet... Twi has a lot of life ahead of her before she can see her loved ones once again. Becoming an alicorn is something the universe of MLP deems attainable for those who prove able to bear it. Magic likely has something "more" to it than simply being a passive force. One does not accidentally make an "orange-frog" if "magic" is not capable enough to "know" how to do so. A new amalgamated life form is complex! That's really what sets magic apart from physical sciences. Physics is a crapshoot of probabilities and particles and waves and interactions. It does not care for you. It just functions as the fundamental principals by which you exist. Magic seems to be directed. Harmony seems to be a good explanation of it's intentions. Friendship, kindness, generosity, loyalty, honesty, and laughter. Magic seems to have a will. When your will goes against the will of Harmony... You get magic turning against you. Magical spirits like the Windigos to freeze the hateful and bigoted, for example. When you align with Harmony... You can do anything... Even redeem a fallen princess, or show a being of pure chaos the magic of friendship.
Likewise... I think the will of Harmony, or magic, or whatever you want to call it in the MLP universe, can find those who have the "right stuff" to be more than themselves, and empowers them to transcend their mortal forms, allows them to ascend. Like the orange-frog... Magic seems able to direct very complex, and very directed changes. Since Harmony seems to be the basis of Equestria's most powerful magic, if is only fitting that Harmony magic would "will" a pony's ascended form to be a harmonious representation of all the pony kinds in one.
The will of magic also seems able to pick out ponies befitting of the position, and very importantly, those able to bear the burden. Alicornhood is simultaneously a burden and a gift. Alicorns gain a long and fruitful life, vast wisdom, many friends, and the chance to share their joys with far more ponies than any common mortal ever would... Likewise, the burden is a long life of pains and losses, the loneliness that comes from saying goodbye to friends time and time again as each one passes, hard memories, guilt over past mistakes that are amplified by your leadership position onto those you rule, and living the sorrow of loosing so many friends as they pass.
Yeah... This story, and your comment in particular, really made me think about alicorn lifespans in general. Anyway, yeah, I think the odd case of excessive moisture around my eyes has had a chance to clear up as I typed this... Weird how that was a thing for me at the end of the story...
4039187 I was in the midst of writing my reply last night when the internet entertained errors. Bloody service providers keep having issues with us having a router. What I wanted to say is that yeah, I figured out what you're saying. This is a story about the relationship between Spike and Twilight, beginning to end. It has nothing to do with the aftermath, even if it raises a few questions. And showing Twilight, alone in the end, reminiscing, would probably defeat that purpose a little bit.
So yeah, you're right. I see the light, my ignorance has been cast away by your brilliance! yada yada, good job you smug prick :)
I might find it hard to accept when I made a mistake. Don't take it personal, I'm certain you're not, in fact, a prick.
4039462 A specialized faculty would've certainly turned out to be a useful asset then. Oh well, my loss.
I'm pretty cynical myself, and I still don't like the ending. So I'll assume that your experience and maturity are more likely to have helped you accept and appreciate it instead. I only found the uncertainty bothersome, like a patch you're waiting to remove already. I appreciate what you're saying, and I'm trying to see it your way, but it's not really helping much on my end.
Though maybe that's the point? It's like you said, I'm being forced to think right now >_>
You made an icy heart cry. Hope you feel good about yourself. Very well written.
I came to read a story about a young dragon afraid to sleep because he knew that when he woke that the world would be unrecognizable and most of everyone he knew would be dead.
With that in mind, the fear of sleeping and not waking is kinda meh.
Well. That was a shock.
Not the story, I mean. The story is good!
No, this was a shock to see artwork I made 15 years ago show up on EQD and this story header. :-P
(I drew the image, uploaded it to Elfwood in like....1999. Given the internet, I'm very surprised it's still there! Flattered, too, but mostly just... wow, hadn't seen that image in a while. )
4046040
Wow. It's a wonderful picture.
Aww. That was really sweet and touching.
:(
y u do dis to me
I expected the end was going to be Spike didn't want to go into his "dragon hibernation" and sleep for a few hundred years because he knew when he woke up, Twilight and the others wouldn't be around anymore.
Turns out I was wrong.
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4051376
Congrats on the promotion.
4051634
Thank'ee. And congratulations on the TL acceptance.
The most adorable concept I've ever seen tackled in the realm of fanfiction is filly Twi with baby Spike. I thought there would be no more, so the first portion of this story was one hell of a treat!
The rest was just as good, though it swerved into a territory that - although necessary - is one that I like to avoid. I have little love for stories that get me choked up, and Twilight watching Spike die (or vice versa) is the only thing that enables me to voluntarily generate tears.
I always hated the idea that Twilight was immortal...
4530338
It works for the sake of the narrative.
4531527 I know, but I never liked it
Ah, we meet again Thanatophobia...
Honestly, this doesn't help my fear of the inevitable. But good nonetheless.
Hey, I wrote a review for this fic. In case you are interested, it can be found here.
Overall, this is certainly not my cup of tea. It felt too melodramatic, and while I appreciate what it is trying to do, I feel it could have used some more subtlety.