Amateur fanfic writer and reader. Sometimes I get dreams, dreams of ponies, and wish that someone would write a story based off them. So why not me?
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Spike Fanfictions5,586 stories ·2,954 members
Isn't the man suppose to be the bread winner? Isn't the wife supposed to be the house maker?
Spike and Rainbow Dash have always been a little different.
They've come to an agreement; he'll wear the apron, she'll wear the work suit. He'll keep the house nice and clean, she'll make sure they can pay the mortgage.
She'll go on the long business trips, he'll wait patiently for her return.
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Yay! Spikedash!
But man, I feel a little depress about him. Waiting for your wife to come back after all her business hours.
4440735 One of my favorite pairings.
Flex with me."
Hmm...
Well, this was very well done. It felt real, and the mechanics were spot on, but... Well, you never really dealt with the main conflict. From the short description, and the synopsis, this was supposed to be about Spike struggling to accept his new role, or at least him having some kind of inner conflict about it.
But there was no conflict. It was a snapshot of his average day—which, I will admit, very much hits the "slice of life" button— but Spike's dilemma was all but ignored. His conversation with Twilight barely existed. He never even thought about his life, really. No self-reflection, no inner turmoil over him being the only male in the market, no mulling over Discord's insult for hours. You set up everything... But did nothing with any of it. All we got was a slightly depressing look at what it's like to be a neglected housewife, but even then the role reversal is never explored or commented on beyond a few passing words from Twilight. I though it was all building up to a confrontation with Rainbow, but even that didn't happen.
That's the biggest flaw with the story: nothing happened. There was no conflict, no resolution. Slice of life is supposed to be "a day in the life," but there still needs to be conflict, something to overcome, and a resolution. This feels half-done, literally. Like I said, you set up everything for a big confrontation with Rainbow... And just end it. It's a cocktease, if you'll forgive the crudeness.
I understand your intent, I think: you wanted to show that not every problem can be resolved in a neat little package. But the problem is that nothing is resolved at all! You wrote the prologue. Now, where's the rest of the story?
You promised:
But Spike never struggled with anything.
So, no downvote, since it's well done and interesting to see Spike in such a role. Just no upvote, because you didn't really do anything. Your story... Has no story.
Okay, first off, I'll admit I was expecting worse as I read. Not in the writing style, but into one of those cliche's of what a spouse ends up doing whilst always "Away for work". Somewhat glad it doesn't seem to have gone that direction.
At the same time, it does reflect on some stress of having a spouse who is always away from home, but not in a too much over the top sort of way.
4440809
Your crudeness is forgiven, and I understand your grievances. But your guess at my intent is as good as mine; I simply wanted to explore an element in the SpikeDash pairing that is rarely, if ever touched. I don't know if I had intentions to go beyond a little writing exercise, but it wasn't to say problems can't be solved easily. If there ever was a conflict, it's that the implied issue is being ignored, and this was intentional. You go about your life, telling yourself you're happy, you're fine with all the sacrifices you've made.
I suppose if this overarching theme was made more obvious, the story would have been much more interesting. Maybe I should stop trying to be so artistic. It makes me look stupid. Anyways, thanks for the critique.
SpikeDash is one thing. MARRIED SpikeDash?
You sir, are my hero.
You've also inspired me..
Imma read this later btw
4440809
I can kinda agree. After reading, I actually went back to double check that it actually said "Complete".
4440865
I wouldn't say you failed or looked stupid or anything of the sort, it just seems a little unfinished, that it needed just a little more (Like the conversation/argument that might come up with the Saddle Arabian thing and the feelings it might bring out).
I... I did not expect this at all.
This. I love this.
So many Spike stories I come across are about him being Ultimate Alpha, but this is the only one I've come across (not saying there aren't more, but they're kind of rare) of him being Ultimate Support and taken to this kind of extreme. This took cojones. I am in awe.
4440809
I actually don't entirely disagree with you, but I don't think it really hurts the story as much. It's laid out in such a well-done way that the reader gets the message and does all of that mulling. Had Spike also took time to dwell on it, IMO it would have been redundant. Instead from the cues given in this story I get the distinct vibe that Spike (especially since they're married and all) knew what he signed up for, and has more or less already accepted it, even though it frustrates, which makes it all the more tragic. From where I stood, Spike's "conflict" was there from start to finish -- that being him constantly having to resist being pushed to the edge by frustration.
Indeed, your grievances would have destroyed a lesser work of descriptive characterization, but here the damage is mitigated, I think.
4440865
If anything, dear author, I'd like to see a b-side, same timeframe, from Rainbow's POV. There are usually two sides to this sort of situation. I originally thought I also wanted a final chapter which takes place after the end of this (because if there's one place where I do agree with Jake, it's that we have no idea, after all that's happened/not happened, how Spike feels once Rainbow finally frickin' gets there.) but upon further thought I realize that, much like when Coco Pommel quit working for Suri Polomare offscreen, any way one could write it going down will never be better than how the reader imagines it going down.
As it stands, though, good stuff. It could probably use some fleshing out in a couple places, but I think it's mainly a fault of all of us wanting to see more of this as well-done as it is, rather than the story completely missing any key components. You're probably going to get a lot of comments which boil down to such, so keep it in mind.
4440865
Heya! As I said on your user page, this was quite a lovely little story and I enjoy stories dealing with role reversal. Though I generally disagree that a slice of life story must always have a conflict (they can have them, of course), I do feel that, much like Spike's observation of his dinner preparations, something's missing.
Like, I'm personally fine with Spike actually being pretty content with his role as the "housewife" and that he can brush off some of the teasing comments he gets because of that. That said, you had a few devices towards the middle and end of the story that could get him to become more anxious and uncertain of his role. Again, like they said, Discord's rather biting comment could be the first chink in his armor as well as his conversation with Twilight, but there was a few other things that cold have been expanded on.
For example, when you are describing the book on the memoirs of the retired Wonderbolt, detailing how the Wonderbolts engaged frequently in parties, drinking, and sex, you could have used that to make Spike a bit anxious about Rainbow Dash, wondering if she ever did these kind of things with them during her tour. Plus, you also have the picture Spike sees with Dash putting a hoof around a stallion, you could have used this to have Spike become really worried despite himself, that maybe Dash had grown bored of him at some point, preferring someone more "manly" than him, the "perfect housewife." He could have confronted her in the morning about these things, where Rainbow Dash could shoot down all his wild theories and reassure him that he's the only one she needs and that she has eyes for no one else. Basically with more conflicts like that, you could end the story on a note that the roles you take on don't have to completely define who you are. That being a man who's a "housewife" doesn't necessarily mean that weak, "girly," or inadequate. I'm all for Spike accepting this kind of role and being happy with it.
Haha, sorry! I don't mean to tell you how to write your story or anything, I'm just putting out ideas for how you could potentially expand this story if you are inclined to do so. Either way, I still really liked this story and it was a fun read. These two make for a cute couple!
4441176
I was kind of hoping that was implied. Whoops.
left a lot of open questions... but it was a good "snap-shot" read
4441195
Haha, don't worry! It certainly was, otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned it! I guess I just wanted it to be expanded on a bit. It doesn't have to be mind-numbingly obvious, oh no, but it could be just a little bit less subtle. Heh, sorry if that's not much help, but I certainly did get what you were going for with it regardless!
And I generally agree with Bookish Delight's last comment about this story.
I liked this, but now I'm predicting a painful sequel where Spike must make a difficult decision where he must choose to Let Rainbow take a break or let her die!
Not a bad story. I give it a good 7.5/10
Alrighty, Mess, here's what you're going to do for me:
... years after that one fateful market day,
"I suppose that what she doesn't know won't hurt her."
An interesting topic, and one that I applaud you for taking on. My concerns and compliments were already covered by others, but this is definitely a fanon that I'd encourage you to continue pursuing.
This was well written and an interesting exploration of the SpikeDash dynamic. My biggest complaints here have already been covered so I'll refrain from bringing it up again. However, one thing I will say is that it seemed to have almost nothing to do with Dash herself. You could get almost all of these scenes if he was a bachelor who took care of himself well. Not all mind you, and the best scenes did involve his relationship with Dash so it is really a minor thing.
Keep writing stuff like this.
This is amazing. You are amazing. I'm speechless.
Good-ish story. But you could utterly change the whole convo when Twilight shows up. It makes no sense why you bring it up when it never comes up again [unless it was a hook for a sequel], and makes the story feel unfinished. What you have is well done, there is a good amount of reflection about him missing Dash and the house feeling empty. But then you start adding things that never get resolution, leaving the entire story unfinished. Although it would make a good starting chapter to a slightly longer story.
Are you planning on making more / expanding this? Or is this all there is too this, for good?
Not really my cup of tea over all but it was well written and an interesting view of possibilities for Spike and Rainbow Dash. It's Slice of Life so I feel I should have known things wouldn't have been resolved in it but this feels like it really needs a Sad tag also. Not sure if it was your intent, but the whole tone, wording, and way the scenario preceded felt like a set up for these two peoples love slowly dwindling and dying out as Spike suffocates on neglect and loneliness while Rainbow Dash is stretched thin by too many responsibilities she accepts from herself, others, the nation, the world (when it needs saving), and of course Spike. (I.E what happens all too often when a career is chosen over love. The support says it's "fine" until they feel cold and bitter and the bread winner goes on working themselves sick thinking they're doing the right thing and everything is "fine")
The real question here is, what type of books?
This is a good story, but I have to agree with:
4441721
Unless you want to sequel this story, it was kinda...weird to have Twilight tell Spike about the gig just so she can say "well, I did my job and told her husband. It's his fault if the ponies from saddle Arabia don't get their sonic rainboom. LOL"
Noice. Not my conventional shipping cup of tea, but by jove, do you make it work.
Bravo good sir!
Eh... Like others have said, this feels... imcomplete. I upvoted and faved before seeing that it was actually already 'complete'. I... no offence, but I'd take the upvote back if I could, but the only way to do so is to DISlike it, and...
I mean, this wasn't horrible, but... like Jake said, there was no conflict. We don't even get to find out if Spike decides to be selfish or not with the information. We get... Well, nothing. Bit of a let-down, that...
4440809 I'm afraid Jake has hit it on the head. This entire story is "deadwood". We got what was promised in the description. But there was no conflict, no struggle, no growth on anyone's part, and no resolution. I have to downvote something that not narratively sound in any fashion.
4442946
Thanks for letting me know. I'll be sure to edit the short description.
This seems like a great idea for a first chapter, not a whole idea. You set up a few conflicts, but never resolved any of them.
Spike is the wife in the relationship: Barely a conflict. Acknowledged a few times, but not enough given that this is the main focus in your description.
Rainbow Dash going to Saddle Arabia: Not resolved. Which is a shame, as that's a very interesting conflict, and I'd like to see more of it.
Spike telling Dash about Saddle Arabia: Admittedly, this could be counted as the same as the above, but f**k it, it's more conflict: Not resolved.
And another flaw, but this might be the point, so just in case: Not much interaction between Spike and Rainbow. Rainbow in this story could have been replaced by just about anyone else without making much difference. It could have been Rarity, and the king wants clothes from her for the celebration. It could have been Pinkie, and the king wants her to organize the celebration. It's not a SpikeDash, it's a SpikeSomebody.
I think if you had a second chapter, not even a very long one, just a little over a thousand, you could fix all of these issues. I mean, your writing style is great, and grammatically, you're fine. It just seems a bit anticlimactic, in its current state.
4440796
The best scene of all time, hands down.
4443177
I don't think this would have worked with just any pairing. Rainbow Dash's career is the only one that really forces her to travel on a regular basis. Additionally, she is the least feminine of the six, which makes who's the wife in the relationship more obvious. Replace Rainbow with Rarity, and the theme of separation makes less sense, considering how her boutique serves as her home. Replace Rainbow with Rarity, who is most definitely more feminine, and the wife of the relationship is no longer clear.
The closest I would even consider as a conflict is what Spike struggles with internally. I tried my best to simply hint that he isn't exactly happy with their relationship with the drinking and all the attention he places on the picture of Rainbow and the rest of the Wonderbolts, though maybe I should have been more obvious. Regardless, the reason why there is no resolution is because Spike chose not to address the actual issue. He, like a "good" little submissive wife, simply smiles and tries to live life the way they've always have, skirting around the issues and pretending all is well.
If you felt that this story seemed off, then good. It wasn't suppose to give you a sense of accomplishment or anything like that.
It's a good story, for sure. And you had me invested in what was happening to Spike, how he was feeling and dealing with all the things his position as a house-husband, especially when being married to a stunt mare(woman, whichever you want. The end result's the same) brings him. But when I got to the end of the chapter, and saw how it concluded, I'll admit to being a bit irritated.
But then I thought about it. Is Spike still upset that Dash keeps getting called out on shows for long periods of time? Yes. Is the problem about him having a choice about telling Dash about this thing with Saddle Arabia still there? It is. Was anything really resolved? At first glance, the answer would appear to be "no". But when I took another look at the ending, I realized something. At that point in time, none of that mattered. Rainbow Dash was back home, in her husband's arms. Spike had the mare of his life back in their home. And they were happy in each other's presence. A small, fragile moment of happiness that feels like it could last a lifetime, a moment that reassures the both of them that no matter what happens, Dash will always come home to Spike, and Spike will always be at the house ready to welcome her back with a smile.
And in the end, that's what matters most, right? Not the choices that might bring problems tomorrow, not the loneliness from just a few minutes ago. None of that is important. What IS important is that they love each other, You can't always be looking at tomorrow, and you can't always be remembering what happened in the past, even if it was just five minutes ago. Sometimes, you just have to bask in that one small moment of happiness, because it's all that you need to remind you that you love each other, and no matter what happened or will happen, that will never change.
So bravo, good sir or madam. Bravo for making a story that captures that idea perfectly, even if you didn't mean to do so.
4443308
I am, unfortunately, heavily influenced by Modernist works, specifically the short stories of Katherine Mansfield. I like to try to write stories that force readers to come to their own conclusions, which now that I think about it, might not be such a good idea, considering how much people tend to dislike the Modernist movement.
I love you for your comment, your insight, your willingness to come to your own conclusions. The author is dead when the work is given to the audience.
I probably won't be trying this sort of thing again, but thank you for your comment. I love your interpretation, even if it wasn't the one I had in mind.
4443288
Probably what I liked most about the story was Tank. The line about not being allowed to fly without RD around made me feel like Spike wasn't watching the turtle, he was the turtle. Needed more Tank.
I like it.
It leaves a lot for the reader to interpret, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I actually enjoy imagining what could have happened next. I only wish the ending was a little more drawn out so we could revel in their moment of happiness and whatnot. If you do feel inspired to expand this story, perhaps a sequel is in order? If you wanted to, you could go a long way with everything you have set up. However, sometimes the best words are the ones left unspoken, or in this case, unwritten.
Anyhow, it was a good read. I'm the type of reader who looks for something relatively short to indulge in before I head off to bed, and this provided what I was looking for.
4443679
There's really not much more to be said. I do love the idea I've planted, and I might try another story following this angle, but it probably won't be a direct sequel. Sometimes the best words are the ones left unspoken.
... No?
Did you grow up in 1950?
So there is a term for this style of writing? I like it some times and other times I do not, and this was sort of between them. Your writing is pretty nice I think I'll follow you.
Also... No romance tag?
4443868
I wasn't sure this deserved a romance, since there's very little on the romantic relationship itself. Rainbow only shows up at the very end, after all.
4443725
I think it's pretty obvious it's a rhetorical question meant to call attention to traditional gender roles for any number of reasons. It's not indicative of the author's personal point of view.
LOVE IT
Very lovely story, and while I can understand why others would want some kind of resolution to the story, I personally feel that the lack of resolution suits the story… but then, I enjoy open-ended stories. To me this seemed more like a vignette, an impression of somedragon's life, very much a day-in-the-life-of… that the emotion of the story, and Spike's feelings (the sadness, the slight depression, the wondering what-could-have-been) were great.
We don't always get resolution in our lives, certainly not in a day. These sorts of "conflicts" might take years to come to any sort of a head; so in a sense, yes, this is like the start of a longer story, but I don't know if it is a longer story that needs to be told. It leaves it to the readers imagination what the final conclusion to the story is.
I really do hope you write about the rest of the things you left behind but I know the point of this story is spike's emotions as a househusband so...nice reading.
4440809
4442946
I believe that if I had gone into reading this story based on the description that is causing so much controversy, I may have agreed with you. But since I didn't, I have to say that I cannot agree with you both.
Something I like in stories is subtlety. Here, yes, there are many conflicts that are arisen, but they are also all ultimately solved once Rainbow came home. The tone that I think you all missed but I received was this depressed acceptance, where Spike has these internal issues that go unsolved because he himself cannot come to terms with it, and he also has some wife that he can't even entirely control. Not that he would want to control her; rather, she is hard to handle.
Stories like these are not always meant to have conflicts solved, and in this case, it is necessary to have them unsolved. It is symbolic of Spike's vicious cycle of acceptance, his inability to speak up or have a say in anything. He chooses silence because Dash will always come home, but can a relationship truly work that way? Who's to know.
I am not saying that you guys are wrong. In a normal story, this would be terrible. But there are reasons behind everything that define what a story is and what it represents. Symbolism is an interesting thing.
Also, why is it that Spike thought Rainbow was knocking? Why would she knock? It's her house.
The first time I had killed a man in fair combat, I was quite erked, for you see, I always favored picking potatoes over fighting in a tourney. Lets just say, the wine was flowing and I had been a bit cocky. One swift mace to the cranium had brought him to the gods. I wish verily I had eaten a banana. For this I am truly sorry. If you will forgive me... I would most likely stab a bloody wanker... and then call it reading time... That is all
Only idiots think like that
4445895
Please refer to the following comment.
4445312
I suppose it's because he wasn't expecting anyone else.