Apple Bloom was making her way home one day, when she heard Silver Spoon crying behind a dumpster. Despite her distrust of Silver Spoon, Apple Bloom attempted to comfort her by asking her what is wrong. What she learns will make her realize that her arch enemy's life isn't prefect, and that she will comfort Silver Spoon in her darkest hour. But how will Apple Bloom be able to help Silver Spoon, when she doesn't understand what Silver Spoon is going through?
Took forever, but let's give a big shout out to my editors, and closest friends, A Dark Reminder, Picture Perfect Pony,
Angle_Bunny
and Spike, some numbers..., thank you all so much.
Now with a dramatic read https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oilAf8V3ih2pWd7l0JvEuyfOFczcA7UqDkqejsVqf1g/edit
ALL ABOARD THE FEEL TRAIN!
hightechhomeless.com/content/images/2013/Dec/Feel_train.jpg
That's how I felt when I read your story.
Awesome job.
There's.... more than a few small spelling and punctuation mistakes. But I totally agree with how you wrote Diamond Tiara... a more spoiled filly there never was.
If you keep this up I'm going to have to create a Sad category in the Silver Spoon group :) Nice story, with a great showing from AB and SS. The intro was a little confusing, though - I know you're trying to keep it hidden that it's Silver Spoon crying, but I think it doesn't need to be so dramatic. It's the simple humanity (equinity?) of this story that works best.
3960957 would you have time to point out more errors?
3961041 thanks, is there anyway you can get the other 150 or members of your group to like my stories by chance?
3961065
XD I wouldn't do that even if I could, I'm afraid, that would be gaming the system. If people like your story, they'll upvote it.
3961081 Oky doky loky
I would probably change this to where Silver Spoon feels that Applebloom is the only pony that she can turn to. Not that Applebloom approaches her instead. Please work on your errors. The sentence early in the work that describes Celestia and the sun. Change that so it sounds better.
I like your story, but you asked for harshness. I am not going to proofread the whole thing, but the big things I noticed were these
"It was an early Tuesday evening, just as Celestia was about to sun, when Apple Bloom found her crying."
Not sure what you were going with there "Celestia was about to set the sun" seems unnecessary because she does not appear in the story, but still better than if you had said "Luna was about to moon"
It's a cute story, the way they said "friend" seemed a little forced for something she didn't realise she said until way later, but that might just be me.
All in all nice, but if you are entering it into an event I'd say take a few days and reread it, and look over it with fresh eyes.
3961198 that is what I asked for, so thank you and, yeah, I'll get rid if that Celestia part, and if are that second dislike, I'll make you change it by the end of the week.
3961207
I only click likes or not at all, if I don't like something I don't finish it, and wouldn't take the time to comment.
But yeah, have a like.
3961048 Mokay. I can do that.
... can that be "What happened?"
What... what does that mean?
Las Pegasus?
...Ain't
needs a comma
... Just "and to be happy" works. Usually, I break most laws of grammar when writing people talking, but saying "to be happy for" doesn't quite work for some reason.
There might be a few more but I think this covers most of it.
3961383 thanks, you are defiantly getting an honorable when this is all over ;)
3961437 You are welcome!
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Just Great.
Not gonna lie didn't think much of it the first time I saw it.
But this story is actually amazing!
Okay, at least one good thing should be mentioned first when criticising something. So, the idea is great. In fact, I'm quite surprised I haven't seen any other story adressing a divorce. Even more so when I think about how many fics I have seen about dead or abusive parents... At least to me, this is a refreshing new idea and I like it.
Well then, even though that's not all the positives I could mention, you wanted harsh. So harsh it shall be.
First of all, let's start with the story description. It's too revealing. You should tease you're potential reader into wanting to know more, not telling them exactly what's going to happen. When I read the beginning, I already knew who Apple Bloom heard crying (even if you hadn't given it away right in the very first sentence. And yes, the main characters also make it kind of obvious, but still, there could have been another character serving as a plothook), what she was crying about and that Apple Bloom would help her. And no, there is no "Of course she would help her!" when you're dealing with fanfics. Make the description a bit more vague to keep some tension for the actual story.
Next would be the beginning itself. It is handled a bit too much like a report, rather than a narrative. I know this is a short story and you have to get the characters quickly into place. But don't tell us that AB later couldn't remember what she had been doing. Just say that she has been out all day crusading and forgetting the time. Now she's heading home and almost past her curfew.
The difference to what you wrote?
"Now"
The way the first paragraph is written, it felt like somebody else was retelling it to me. Not like I was witnessing it myself. You need to get your reader right into the story. Oh, and why is it so important that it's a Tuesday evening? Wouldn't any other evening work as well? Actually, if it is Tuesday, why hasn't AB seen Silver Spoon at school all day?
Then, let AB's confusion about seeing Silver Spoon crying set in a bit more. And her internal conflict about hating her and what her sister has taught her about being a good pony. It doesn't need to be that much more, but there still is room to build in an internal monolog. And when she's settled on her opinion, let her stick with it. Because, this could have been avoided:
To get a little harsher, this short part made me cringe. Literally. And yes, I know what that word means.. AB goes from wanting to help to resenting that decision to reversing the decision to rethinking reversing that decision to deciding not to reverse that decision after all to her next attempt at helping Silver Spoon. Within a single sentence. Wow.
Don't get me wrong. It is not bad to go this route. Just either give it more time - way more time - to play out or don't do it at all. Silver Spoon can still respond with agression at first, even if you want to keep it short. But then AB should overcome that with resolve other than what happened here.
Also, you should establish how uncomfortable and irritating the whole situation is for AB. Let her ask herself how she ended up with her second-worst nemesis crying in her arms. You should also include her senses here. Like feeling the unpleaseant warm wetness of Silver spoon's tears running down her shoulder, feeling her shaking ike she was afraid or angry, maybe even how AB gets distracted by the smell of the shampoo Silver Spoon used that day.
Now that is some poor attempt at comforting somebody, AB...
I know she has to adress this somehow for the scene to go on as it did. But this seems a little bit forced. You might want to think about reworking her dialog into her building up to this question. Maybe by her stating that she has only seen ponies cry like that at the anniversary of her parents' passing. Then have Silver Spoon react in some way (e.g. her expression darkening), making AB ask this.
Um, I get that Silver Spoon is angry and confused, so she would say a lot of things she otherwise wouldn't. But that remark about the parents rotting in the ground is fo far out of the blue, it really made me re-read the sentence twice to make sure it was really there. I don't think there's any need to keep it in there. Additionally, AB's question doesn't really add up to what has been said before. Silver Spoon never said anything about her being something. I guess it should have been something like "Excuse me?" or "What was that?".
I suppose this is meant to be charming in some way or an attempt of humor on Silver Spoon's part? Well, all I see here is: "Thanks for listening to me. Maybe now I'll stop bullying you. But most likely, I won't." That is neither of those possibilities...
In fact, the whole bit of them calling each other friends also seemed too forced. Maybe something more open would work better here. Just have Silver Spoon thank AB for listening to her (with something more than a simple "Thanks!") and then they part ways. Leave the question if this will change anything in the future open and close the story with AB wondering about exactly that. While still being sure that she did the right thing.
Everything else there is for me to point out would be typos or grammatical mistakes, as well as some stylistic matters.
wasn't her problem
Silver Spoon; and she lightly tapped (The way you wrote it she tapped her on the shoulder all the while she was walking over to her.)
What do you want, blank flank?
“Y…you wouldn’t understand,” she said
hooves around her, as she reluctantly returned the hug.
your parent’s ain’t
“No, it won’t,” Silver Spoon muttered. “Be…because they
“No...no, but they're… they're getting a divorced.”
Don't write sentences on capslock. If you want to point out your character is screaming, shouting or yelling, do so in the narration.
“Well, I,” (or just: “Well,”. Works just fine with what comes after that.)
Shouldn't it be foal instead of child?
Missed the quotation marks at the end.
have two Hearthwarming’s.” She began to tear up again. “With two parents…
I guess Silver Spoon should say that she [does/i] whink so. unless she was answering to AB's thoughts.
“Well, there you go,” she said with a grin.
At first, (Also, that is not really what the show said what happened. I don't mind, but this could be disadvantageous in a contest.)
never left sadness
a weak smiled.
One last thing, try to use shorter sentences.Very often you use commas where there should be a preiod (or a quotation or exclamation mark). As a rule of thump, try to read the parts conected by a comma as seperate sentences. If that still works, don't use a comma, except you really want to slow down the pace. Or if it is part of a dialog and you want to show that a character actually is talking in one such an outstreched manner.
So, yeah, I guess that's all for now. I hope it was helpful.
3962885 yeah, thanks for the help. Although, if you want to do a proof as long as thie again, just feel free to leave in my message box instead.
Pretty typical Diamond Tiara to think only in terms of material gain. I think what Silver Spoon really needed was someone who understands the conflict that she now has to face. Divorced parents tend to be vicious, trying to use their kids as weapons against the other and the like.
3964538 hum, I'm not going to explore that aspect if divorce in this story, but subscribe and wait for the sequel of my story, The Silver Spoons, to come out.
Your writing has really improved from your first story. Definitely up to par with the better writers here. But you have the same problem I have. The story moves too fast as a result of you not letting the characters be who they are and act as they would in the real world.
All in all, this is quite good. I'm not much a fan of the concept but, still, well written.
3967082 You don't think Apple Bloom would rush to the aid of somepony crying?
3967317
It's not that she wouldn't do that. It's that the story makes the characters seem like they don't have much of a personality, like they're just doing things you planned out instead of actually interacting.
Try really getting to know your characters, and then imagine them being this scenario you've created. Think about what they would do as the scenario plays out and write it down. Don't make them say things for the sake of advancing the story. Let them do what they would realistically do given their background and personality.
I still have problems with this myself (that's why I'm having to rewrite the first chapter of Iris). So maybe you should ask others about their ideas on characterization too.
3967826 actually, what I felt like was the biggest problem with iris wasn't the believability of how the characters act (to a point I'll admit) it was that you just went to fast when you could have built up and explained more what was going on. One second Candence is sad, then next she wants to adopt. Maybe I'd take your advise for this story, if it wasn't getting entered in a 3000 words or less contest. Still, thanks for the advise.
3964038
Yeah, I thought about that, actually. But then I thought, maybe others could be interested in some tipps too.
3969179
Hey, you still have room for 1.005 words. I'd take Pliny's advice if I were you. Even though it's not like they have no character at all. You just need to expand on it a little bit more.
And as you have proven by yourself already, improvements don't need that many words. Nice work ^^.
Like I said, I'm not going to do a long review like normal, but here are the main things.
-----
First thing is that there were spelling errors, but also some misused words. For instance, when Apple Bloom is talking... she uses the word y'all a lot. It is used to address a group, not an individual. "Why ain't Diamond Tiara with y'all right now?" should be "Why ain't Diamond Tiara with ya right now?" Get it?
Also, the story itself was great, but I couldn't tell if this was going off of your last story or not. There were some elements from the previous story in here, but then others that threw me off. Of course, that is minor.
Apple Bloom's reaction to this would probably be a little more... intense, then just shouting and then nothing else. There wasn't even a mention of Apple Bloom having to cool down before she could speak again or something. You can't just talk about someone's dead parents like that without eliciting a more harsh response.
What? Diamond Tiara was saying that this was great thing. So why would that have to get easier? It doesn't make too much sense. I would suggest something like...
"Maybe Diamond Tiara was right, or maybe she was wrong, but maybe it does get better or at least easier with time." Of course, that's a lot of maybes... I dunno, just a suggestion.
My words exactly.
A pebble? No, not really. I don't think she stumble to the point where she was moving slow enough to hear somepony crying just by hitting a pebble. Maybe she tripped on a rock? Maybe she was taking a breather? Maybe she was taking a shortcut?
The picture either needs to change, or the description, because both were a dead giveaway as to the plot of the story.
-----
But other than that, unless I get really into detail, it's great! I really like it! I hope this wins!
here is some things I noticed.
also, I don't quite know about this one
it sounds off to me
Do you know where I can read the winning entries?
3977146 thanks for being harsh and detailed, it means a lot.
3976824
"but that didn't mean her, or my family, had to live in sadness all the time"
I'd have to open up the story again and check, nice catches there.
4002568 thanks, I would like to be a proof reader actually though I'm not very good.
4004931 yay, then do I have good news for you!
4005313
"News! Yay, I love news, especially GOOD news!"
Zack! Calm your self, jeez dude your acting like Pinkie!
"sorry" *snicker*
now your news?
"Apple Bloom was still egger..." What's an egger? I think you mean eager, but the image was funny. Cool story bro.
Not a bad story. it was a little hard to follow in the beginning but keep it up.
4021179 if you have the time tomorrow, then I wouldn't mind you could go into more detail of what didn't work for you in the beginning, an even what you would differently. Even if you just said to change one word, it would still be a huge benefit to me.
4021400
No problem.
It could be just me this whole time so don't get too worried.
4021480 it's fine, just do your best you know how to, and don't forget to check out my other stories when you're done :).
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I don't like giving dislikes so I either like a story don't click like at all but this will defiantly get a like
4320169 um, thanks, so you did like it. I don't mind if you don't if you tell me why and how I can do better next time
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews
It's a proven fact that one-hundred percent of kids with low self-esteem could be driven to become “an hero” by being bullied, having their parents get divorced, going on the internet, or just losing their iPod. If society didn't care so much about these little tykes, I would advocate killing them off with e-mail harassment and targeted wedgie campaigns. They'll either grow a spine, or they'll make nice fertilizer for my garden. Or my apple orchard.
We start with Apple-Truant on her way home from the library. The author says she spent the last few hours sucking at chess, and because I'm not in the mood to argue about what kind of off-screen awesomeness was happening, I'll roll with that. On her way home, she trips over a conveniently-placed rock and falls outside Sugarcube Corner, maybe because that's one out of three buildings that are named in the series, and it's the only one with a back-alley.
After falling down like a quadriplegic penguin on an escalator, she hears crying. No, it's not her. It's coming from the back-alley. The one where the homeless ponies live, and the drug dealers, and the creepy people that wear only black and talk about how much the world sucks. But like a good-natured trigger-word, the crying somehow forces Applebloom down the alleyway.
“Eventually,” says the author. Bloody hell, it must have been a long alley for Applebloom to “Eventually” find the leaky faucet. Either that, or Silver Spoon was really keen on not being found. Kind of like those hidden object books, only with the pages ripped out and scattered around the rubbish bin.
So Applebloom finds Silver Spoon, and drama proceeds. Silver Spoon acts like a naughty girl, and Applebloom might as well be a concrete wall for all the valuable insight she gives. It goes on for a few minutes, until eventually Applebloom says “well, at least they're not dead,” and Silver Spoon gets over it. Then they decide it would be a good idea to be best friends. The end.
Overall, I did like the story, if only because it's a quick read. I didn't feel the need to get invested. So, naturally, I became invested. Unfortunately, this must be the Ponyville from the uncanny valley. Characterization is a non-issue, because it's basically one tattooed plank of wood having discourse with another plank of wood about daddy issues. It has about as much emotional as a pair of socks in my tumble drier, which is crippling for a story that's supposed to be emotion-centric. Or, again, that could just be me and my inability to process empathy.
5343017
Hey, that's me!
5343058 I didn't plan it that way, but if the shoe fits...
4192156
lol USE YOUR:
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5821552
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5822147
5821552
What??!?!?
5822578
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5822147
stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/2335658/pinkie-pie-cry-o.gif
5822147
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I think this part "She prayed to Celestia that a divorce didn’t mean that too" needs a little elaboration. I mean I think I get what you're trying to say-
"She prayed to Celestia that a divorce didn’t mean that their love for Silver Spoon was voided along with their marriage."
you might even go further, cause Bloom is a smart filly. "Apple Bloom assumed since Silver's parents were asking which of them she wanted to live with, that both still wanted her and therefore still loved her."
And that brings up quite a cruel aspect of a divorce, making a child choose between the parents. I mean it's one thing if one of them did something violent or abusive that would make the decision easy. But divorces that end due to infidelity, incompatibility, lack of communication or some other issue just between the parents, how is a child Silver Spoon's age supposed to understand that and make a choice? What's worse is if the marriage ends badly and one parent tries to turn the child against the other or uses the child as leverage in the divorce proceedings.
I'm with
on this. I never understood how parents could put their children through that much heart ache. My parents had their problems (mostly due to me) but they stood together through it. Almost every friend I ever had their parents were divorced and I just never could understand it.