After her family finds itself in dire financial straits, Diamond Tiara must learn to deal with her situation. Though the transition is tough on her, she soon finds that her father seems happier since losing their fortune. As she tries to understand why, she begins recognizing the value of merit and her views on certain ponies change.
This is my entry for the Everfree Northwest Fanfiction Pre-Con Contest. Please judge as harshly as you want. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you!
A big thanks to Mudpony for all the help and finding a pic to be the cover art for the story!
Chapters (1)
I really like reform stories and Diamond Tiara is one of my top 3 characters for it
3993623
Thanks, glad you liked it (I think). Thanks for being the first one to comment too. Any other feedback you'd like to give about it?
I am not good at making short opinions. Therefore I hope you find some usefulness in it anyways. These are my opinions from what I *recall* reading. The impressions I was left with. Talks about each character. And why I believe something to be off. Without further ado...
Personal Opinions Below. Personal Opinions Below. Personal Opinions Below.
This was really adorable. For something that's to be no more than 3k words, I'm impressed you fit in so much!
It isn't easy writing for Diamond Tiara. Many write her like an adult whose gone through college with an English Major and an obsession with butt tattoos. By contrast, you did a very believable job here to show how Diamond could work as a likable character and see redemption towards understanding, and coming to terms, that one can be a different kind of rich; See that the world doesn't always judge those based on how much they make and who they know.
Diamond Tiara
The only two things I can really think to criticize is Diamond Tiara having thought herself as being a rotten a filly. I loved AJ's lesson, even the nice way she put it about telling Diamond she's spoiled, subtle AJ, real subtle... no really that was pretty good there AJ!
That however, not so subtle. That bit at the end is not something she'd brag to others about. We even see clear signs she's able to lead and influence others, so while she may use it for her own self gain, she's got a talent worth bragging about potentially.
Despite that great lesson AJ gave, however, it isn't really believable to suggest, within the context of this story, that Diamond was ever beating herself up over such a thought or had thunk it over more at all until that end moment. Now, had it played on her consistent misunderstandings and assumptions she has about ponies treat others based on wealth and status or had it been something about how she does have something worth contributing to others, then that callback could of had a much more powerful affect.
Here, it makes DT sound as if she considered everything she's done as horrible and she may resent past actions, over the pride of knowing that the world isn't as shallow as she was led to believe.
Diamond Tiara having thought she had been too rotten? She though blackmail was a legit bargaining tactic known as "diplomacy", I would hardly think she'd see what she's done in the past as rotten; more like she was in the right because she was better than everypony. In her spoiled, rich world, young filly mind, perspective.
Silver Spoon
I loved Silver Spoon's ending bit. It was a bit heartbreaking to see such an embarrassed Silver Spoon think and feel like her BFFF, had actually changed friends on her. Bringing up walls and spitting back a comment which led to the bump part was really sad. I loved it.
But despite how Spoon was, she had actually learned about Di's situation and didn't really pick on Diamond, instead her first instinctual reaction was to comment on whether she'd become friends with the CMC, feeling as if Silvy was more worried her best friend replacing her causing her to act out. Which, if you look at Silver having to remind Diamond in the latest episode "We" when Diamond was fascinated with a chance at meeting a princess through the CMC.
In that, Silver Spoon, showed a very defensive nature. She almost looked like if she hadn't acted up she would eventually be forgotten. That's a nice headcanon there actually. Silvy being worried of losing favor with Diamond some day, as her greatest fear... Haha, a lot of Silver 'fans' would probably go for my throat for implying that one.
Sorry, back on track...
While they did was have a small fight there, Silver leaving due to having insulted her friend and suddenly catch herself doing their signature hoofshake... god that was powerful there, I imagine things will be alright with them later as it can all easily be fixed later, once Spoon cools down.
I mean, Di and Silvy, they've had conflicting interests before, such as at the Cuteseniara which Spoon clearly wanted to be down and enjoy the party, but instead she had done her best to cheer up her friend. She followed her when she stormed away to the stairs where Diamond chose to mope. Silver being very worried about Diamond, stood by her side over participating with the others.
Next was that act of having enjoyed a very powerful story of Ponyville's origin, despite Diamond herself being wowed by the same story gave Silver a very blank expression. Even after Silver, even if unknowingly, sided with Apple Bloom that day to admit the facts AB stated were indeed true. Then, finally, the milkshake incident where Diamond takes Silver's drink because it was "only the best was enough good for her" and DT was later left with no treat. Both have a fairly tight relationship and have likely had a few arguments, who knows, but seem to work it out.
Having Diamond see and learn that the CMC aren't as judgmental as she and Silvy are, that she got to spend so much more quality time with her dad and learn about new stuff, and the satisfaction of earning your own wealth, I have to say this was really good story for the most part. If not for the fact it's an entry for the context that requires it to not be over 3k words, *exactly* 2988 words currently, this story could of ended up being easily 5k-12k depending if you wanted to include a section for Spoon, why Diamond was avoiding her all a sudden, build up more emotions for the ending showing Diamond make up excuses to leave Silver behind. Who would end up feeling worried over Diamond, only to find she's been hanging around the farm, putting more weight to her misunderstanding the situation why Diamond chose not to mock the CMC.
In closing, it's clear you did your utmost to try and make the best story you could for this event, and for that you have my applause.
I would of added an afterthought about maybe making it up to Silver later or imply she'd at least try to see her friend later, and it would of worked a lot better. Having almost hit the cap I can see why you couldn't go such a route.
Funny thing I noticed btw, but in one part you make it sound like Diamond had a doki doki moment at the mention of Apple Bloom's name. Not a fault, just wanted to let you know it's one of those shippy subtexts someone out there might get those mixed signals. ;3
I chuckled, despite knowing it wasn't meant that way.
Maybe after the contest you can make a sequel? I would love that, personally. Maybe expand the first chapter more to include those close calls Diamond almost had with the CMC, and those life lessons she was supposed to be soaking up with daddy. AJ moment was really nice, even if she sneaked in a lesson that showed how rotten Diamond is potentially seen to be on the inside by AJ.
I very much enjoyed this story. Have a like and a fav.
Good, but what I can say is, you sometimes use use emotional expiation when you can just show it. For example, instead of, sheer embarrassment, try to show the charcter acting embarrassed, instead of just telling us that she's embraced. Good luck at Everfree, you've got quite some compotietuon, including me.
4000610 well told review, do you think you could look over my two entries? I almost got them just right, but I still run into the occasional grammar and exposition problems here and there. I'd be happy to retrn the favor in time.
Oh, P.S., if its as long or longer than your post here, could you just message me your reviews, thank you.
4000674 That is good advice. The issue they seem to have ran into here though is something many in this contest seem to have been running into a lot: Maximizing their word efficiency. [NOTE: This story is just 12 words off from the cap]
So, it's essentially left to the reader to just visualize it, though, in many cases here I personally saw the emotions before the noun met adjective.
But, regardless, that is some good direct advice.
4000682 Thanks, I appreciate the compliment.
For grammar and such I'd seek a more proper editor for that. Someone like Comrade Sparkle has a great blog on some of the most common mistakes. Looking for Editors group or MLP can give you quick breakdowns.
I'm still a bit busy here and would like to catch up on a game I've been missing out on for a week now, Fire Emblem Path of Radiance, BUT, I can fit one one of your stories in once I come back. In the meantime, link away over PM and I'll give a once over. I should be back in 10 minutes or so.
4000682 I'm going to assume you found someone else since you haven't sent any links. I'm going to be taking my break soon but if you send the link I'll read it tonight if you haven't found someone else.
And best of luck to all you entering the contest!
normally i don't read DT fics, but this one was good.
i like the redemption.
4000610
Yeah, I guess I kind of drove it home.
My bad. It's been deleted. Thanks for the heads up.
Well, it was supposed to contrast that DT realizes that she was unhappy with her new situation while her father was actually happier because of the fact that she was spoiled. Then AJ teaches her that if she can just shed away that spoiled part of herself and hang out with other "good" apples, she might learn how to be one (and in turn, be happy once more despite her situation). Unfortunately due to word limit, I could not really expand too much on the story. A lot of it had to be implied. Just as well, because of the word limit, I don't think I would have been able to fit your idea in there without sacrificing a lot of other development.
As far as the Silver Spoon part of your opinion goes, I originally planned to redeem her as well. Mudpony, a very generous benefactor who helped me out as well, also thought it be a good idea. I explained it was because I had kind of built up to it in the story. However, the word limit did not allow for me to add that part. Instead, I chose a kind of bittersweet ending with ending one friendship to start anew with others.
Yeah, I kind of do those double-entendres by accident a lot. Hey, at least it gives people a little laugh.
I just might take you up on that suggestion. I really enjoyed writing this story and still can see a way to expand on it.
Thanks for the support and advice. I really do appreciate it.
4000674
Unfortunately, not using emotional exposition would mean a higher word count because "showing" emotions can prove to be wordy. Which this story could not really afford to be because, as Telaros pointed out, I'm already pushing the word limit as is.
4013760
Thanks, glad so many people liked it. I always thought that DT has a lot of undeserved hatred. She just needed her own space to develop and get her on the right path. Silver Spoon as well. They're just little fillies. They just need to live life some more and learn the right lessons. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon will be good mares yet. In my opinion, at least.
FWIW, I'm not sure if Diamond will ever be redeemed in the show because she's too useful in story terms as a spiteful bully but it's nice to read fan-fictions on the subject.
4033731
I can agree with you on that. Without conflict, there can exist no story. If she were to be redeemed, the CMC's episodes would be pretty boring (though I only truly enjoyed maybe two or three of their episodes to begin with) and, quite frankly, a waste of time.
But we can always dream, right?
3993623 I agree. Who are your other two?
4115537 Trixie and NMM
WOW!
LOVED IT!!!