justindashsparkleshypie
Joined 21st Jun, 2013 ·
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Your getting there, try adding biger words, he did consume a bunh of scientists and a buckig dragon after all.
Stuff like:
Psychics
Canterlot voice
Why celly sucks
Blah
Blah
Sun butt
Blah
With a few improvements to words and such, this could become so much better. Verdict as of now: 6/10
Alright I'll start doing that, thanks, you two.
static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131123142558/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/f/f0/Dafuq_meme.jpg and that a good thing.
See its gettig better!
Big words make big story.
Keep this up and you ight have a 2 or 3,000 word chapter, gotta extend the chapter a bit though. Mabye 1,750 min. Or the two thousand.
Thanks, I'm trying my hardest to get the chapters longer, but some cliffhangers are to good.
wha, very interesting
not bad
muuuch better,and with that you have a new fan.
Keep it up. I liked because I see potential... And I also like the thought of this. Prototype's a good game series. Good work.
3956591
most whacked ch yet
3963274
indeed good sir/madame
but Mr/Mrs/Ms. Author is just throwing/chucking/adding ideas.
so ofcuarse it would be weird/odd/bananas
Well good sir, i shall be skipping the clop
Your writing has improved since the first chapter, well done, my good sir/madam
3973713 which is why the clop of any part of this will be a separate chapter with a warning and all you need to know is that the female will become infected.
3973861
heh heh...
infected.
sex jokes are fun!
-Discord was an infant, whose years and experience pail in connection to theirs.-
I think you might be meaning Pale, not pail... Unless Discord's years and experience are in buckets... Which might make sense considering its Discord and all.
Thank you for pointing that out. I have to use word to type this and I haven't customized its spell check all that much yet.:)3978768
not bad bur you need to stop just telling us the story and paint it is you want i can direct you towords a pro clop fic writer so you can analyze his works
I think the end is missing a few FUCKING ! marks
3978952 so assume hes in a relation ship with celestia now?
3997527 his name is Viral KING. plus it will be interesting.
Que horde of sexy mares or what ever else what his Wang
or monster attack
also not bad but you still lack the living 3d likeness of a good other
4004383 sorry, this chapter was hard for me to put down what i wanted. when i am better at writing i will definitely be touching it up.all that i can reall think of is scenery. but what do you think of his appearance. it took hours to create but i tried my hardest.
4004401 not your descriptions aren't bad but your characters acting seem just seem flat and lifeless try adding more body language and depth
Oh, a new story. About a 'superbeing' in equestria. Well, I may as well...
...
This is...what...what? I can't follow this story at all! The grammar is horrible, the plot seems like a thinly veiled excuse for TF porn, and the MC content is, to say the least, lacking. Not to mention the main character's many, many design issues.
a mess lods of bad grammar here and little to no flow dude. not your best work work on that
go on...
.... WHAT ??? ... Ok Buddhist listen to me when I say this ... find a plot point . ... AND STICK TO IT ... no drifting to other things too much it will confuse the readers and that's not a particularly good thing all the time
Buddhist ...DAMN AUTO CORRECT ITS DUDE
What are y'all talking about? Most of the mistakes are on purpose. After I added the words to microsoft's dictionary, no errors showed up.
4024332
4024350
4024598
4025059 no auto correct on my message not yours
4026803 so you meant to say buddie. Right?
keep it up
i for one is enjoying this story and hope for many more chapters to come
l like it keep up the good work
awesomeness
and que famoas last words
Ok ... I liked the chapter ... but one thing ... REFER TO JESUS LIKE THAT AGAIN AND YOU ARE GOING TO DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH ... just don't refer to jesus ... idk why but as a christian it just doesn't sit well with me ... I hope you understand
4044194
I completely understand, in this story though, god and old first are the same.
god and Jesus are a part of a whole. Old first and new first are too.
in this it's still where god and Jesus are the true one god, but only of humans. New first said he wasn't quite god because he is actually Jesus.
i like
and qu busted ear drums or balls
and qu busted ear drums or balls
more plz
4064871
Ma...Not quite
4130374 ya not your bets work
I know, hard to focus lately.
Story is boss :)