James and Alex meet God with a choice to be destroyed or become his tool.An older teen wakes up in a forest with no personal memory.Making Mytheria into an army will be hard.Changing MLP without any lost innocence?IMPOSSIBLE!Eh, who really wanted it?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Your getting there, try adding biger words, he did consume a bunh of scientists and a buckig dragon after all.
Stuff like:
Psychics
Canterlot voice
Why celly sucks
Blah
Blah
Sun butt
Blah
With a few improvements to words and such, this could become so much better. Verdict as of now: 6/10
Alright I'll start doing that, thanks, you two.
And back into the breach.
Okay so apparently not only did Nightmare make a stupid contract, she made a stupid personality altering contract. This is just all kinds of wrong and adds to the whole 'Why is Nightmare so stupid' point I was making.
And there is this annoying and weird thing you do where in parentheses you insert your own comments into the story. Stuff like this.
You could have easily written those in way that wouldn't have broke the flow.
Like Jason could have asked what a Atomite was and friend could have explained it.
As for the second instance, Friend could have made a joking remark about Jason's excitement and Jason could have retorted saying that scientists he absorbed gave him a love for science along with some other quirks.
Those are by no means perfect examples, but they are far better than what you actually did and they don't break the flow as much.
NO! NO! NO! NO! YOU DID NOT JUST...YOU CAN'T USE THINGS LIKE T.Y., OR Y.W. IN DIALOGUE!
Ok...I'm sorry for freaking out but that is a major pet peeve of mine. And again...it really,really breaks the flow of your story and it makes you look ridiculous.
Congratulations you made me even more pissed of than I was a second ago.
You cannot just suddenly switch your story to Anthro after 2 chapters when it was already established that they were in fact ponies. That is a terrible story decision and the way you shoe horned it in was idiotic. So the creator guy decided that wasting his time making an MLP fanonverse wasn't enough? He had to make it Anthro to?
So summary, Jason acted like a Stu and killed a dragon. Nightmare became filly. The dialogue was still horrible. And everything got Anthro'd.
God dammit.
4670077
Its funny how i read the story just for your comment !
Also what does T.Y. and Y.W. mean ?
I mean i can read and write english but there is still thing i dont know .