static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131123142558/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/f/f0/Dafuq_meme.jpg and that a good thing.

*Sigh*

Ok This is pretty bad.

Like first of all.

“HELLER!!! You’re not going to get out of here alive!!” yelled Mercer, peeved at Heller’s betrayal. “

Peeved...that's the word you went with to describe an infuriated Infected being, who is literally about to rip someone apart?

You know what fine. Fuck it. Whatever.

“ FUCK YOU MONSTER! I WON’T LET YOU TOUCH HER THIS IS THE DAY THAT I KILL YOU AND FREE THE WORLD OF THIS ABOMINABLE VIRUS!!! ” screamed Heller

‘ God the pain, I have to redouble my efforts NOW! ’ thought James, and with a great yell of “aurGhGHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ”

This...does not sound like Heller...at all. I mean he said fuck a bunch but, Heller wouldn't use words like that. He's not nearly that formal!

And as for the scream...I don't think the human body, infected or no, can produce such a sound.

Heller used to many bio-bombs and it tore space-time by compressing each other in an infinite loop that created a blackhole in your bodies.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Do you...do you even Science? Or Physics? Or...anything?

I am not a scientist but even I can call bullshit on that.

And also, why some random brony?

Like what qualifies this guy, Jason, above anyone else. To be in charge of leading some massive war against Eldritch Horrors that are attacking for...some fucking reason?

Also, so God has a creator? And not only that, but one who seems to give enough fucks about MLP to create an alternate fanon reality!?

WHY!?

Also, you don't need more than one exclamation point in a sentence. I mean, really you even put 3 of them at the end of a descriptive sentence!

Desiring to rid the world of Mercer he fired a timed bio bomb into the pile and started moving away, but he couldn't!!!

And another thing, he has to infect certain ponies when he gets there with the Blacklight Virus.

Okay...why?
No seriously...give me one good reason. And what would happen if they did not want said powers? Just force it on them against their will?

Then there is the fact that only certain member of the Mane 6 are being infected. Again, why?

That seems to be the main theme of this chapter.

Why the fuck?

That's the theme...it basically sums up everything about this chapter.

Now I have not read the rest of this but my advice to you...rework this completely.

Just by reading the description I could tell the plot needs reworking.

I can already tell that this 'Jason' is just another cookie cutter, self insert, Gary-Stu.

Lets not forget that promised rape, and gore. Yeah that'll really get people hooked on your story, good job!

As for the plot itself, it needs reworking because for one...there is just too much happening.

I mean you have a Prototype crossover, a self insert, a alternate universe, clop, gore, and to top it all off, Eldritch Horrors...that again, attack that specific MLP Fanon universe.

FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER!

Combine that with the bullshit science used in this chapter and you have a hot steaming mess of a story.

Apart from that the only other things I have to complain about are, unnecessary exclamation points, missing commas, a few spelling errors, and the horrendously awkward dialogue and general writing.

I suggest practicing and trying to make your writing flow better, and also try this story again, but different.

Just make it a straight up Prototype crossover, none of all this other stuff because your doing too much and that's killing your story.

Make your character come from the Prototype world, he doesn't have to be a canon character, just make him an OC from that world.

And please for the love of God, DITCH THE WHOLE CREATION OF A FANONVERSE IDEA!

If you want to make the universe he goes to follow fan theories and the fanon in general...then do it! Don't make some stupid excuse like the creation of a fanon universe because the canon one isn't any good! That's just not good writing.

I want you to succeed, I want you to be a good writer and for to have fun, really I do.

But you are not going to improve if someone does not bring these things to your attention. I have read main comment section and nobody seems to be dishing out the cold hard truth so I guess I have to do it.

Please just keep in mind, I want to help you here. Please take what I said into consideration and try to make your story better and improve your writing style.

-Neo Masamune out.

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I completely agreed with you even if i will read everything he made but WHY are you talking about rape ? And also i hope this OC is not a ''i am too weak to make decision myself and i dont want to hurt anything *sniff* i just want to live peacefully even if i am the only one able to save the universe ''