My entry for the Random Romance February contest. (link). Also the winner, so thanks guys!
Cheerilee was never really one for romance, and her aversion to it was only strengthened by the catastrophe that was last year's Hearts and Hooves Day. Now the holiday has come around again, she just wants to spend her Sunday alone, relaxing and planning out her lessons for the next week.
However, an old childhood friend that has drifted away seems determined to rekindle their friendship and show Cheerilee a good time- though as the day goes on, it appears Roseluck wants a little something more from Cheerilee, something she might just be ready to give.
Happy belated Hearts and Hooves Day, my wonderful followers!
There is a bit of drinking in this, though the characters are both overage. Hope you enjoy!
The pacing was amazing in this!
The only thing I'd recommend is to space out the words so it's not a hard to read wall of text. Maybe cut down on the size of the lines dividing the sections.
Favorited this!
Only glaring issues I found.
Regaurdless of them though. I loved this. Seriously. I love seeing new Cheerilee ships.
Good job.
Ignore the heathens! Do not submit to the evil that is paragraph spacing!
Seriously, it looks much better in book format. I might space out the scene breaks, but it's not necessary. And you don't need to indent the first paragraph after a line-break—the indent is to distinguish a new paragraph (It baffles me why people who line-space use indents) and the reader already knows that.
Dashes should normally be either en dashes with a space either side, "eight – frankly", or em dashes with no spaces, "eight—frankly".
Missing space
This doesn't make sense. The day is described as pleasant, so "it was nevertheless still nice" is contradictory in entirely the wrong way.
Zombie Cheerilee!
Using tell-y said-isms that state what is already obvious is extremely redundant and is something best avoided. See my article on dialogue mechanics here.
Not that I have anything against non-standard constructions for tight third-person prose like this, but this literally the exact construction a dash is meant to connect and it feels very weird not haing it when you've used them plenty already.
Tense slip.
And again.
Run on. Use attribution or use a period and start a new sentence.
Comma in the middle should be a period.
Starting a new paragraph and re-attributing the same character's dialogue really threw me here. It doesn't read naturally.
Careful with unintentional rhyming—it can really ruin the mood.
Led*?
Italics is generally considered easier on the eye than bold for the purpose of emphasis. Plus, I'm guessing you meant get, not bet, but either way the line feels stilted. I can't figure out what the emphasis means.
Deadpanned is not attribution.
Sentence doesn't follow. They is the antecendant and so they were feeling satisfied by what Cheerilee ate. The meaning is easy enough to work out, but the execution is somewhat mangled—not to mention that as a tight PoV of Cheerilee, the narration shouldn't really be commenting on how Roseluck felt.
Missing capital.
'the'* Also, this is a good example of redundant prose that is actually negative to the experience. We don't need to be told that she took it from Roseluck, there are only two characters and to say it feels like being overly spoon-fed and that isn't a pleasant experience.
Meant?
Again, this simply doesn't count as attribution.
Ditto.
Overall, it's obvious to me that the school system has taught you some shonky junk about attribution, as it has for so many others—myself included. I think you'll find that your stories will read a lot better if you do some research into modern writing styles and the professional take on dialogue mechanics. It certainly it did wonders for me. What's really odd, though, is that alongside these basic and extremely common amateur-isms, you have a remarkably solid grip of tight, third-person narration. I'd go as far as to say uncommonly good. The finer editorial details of prose can be picked up in time by most anyone, but a well carried PoV is, in my experience, an altogether harder thing to learn and comes from an intuitive understanding of empathy. I mean, the whole story is a bit formulaic for my tastes, but there is something about the style that makes me think there is a very bright future for you if you keep practicing.
-Scott
I was looking for good romantic stuff and I found... romantic stuff with my favourite background pony (Roseluck) :D
I don't like Cheerilee very much, but this fic was cute and sweet. I wish I had a similar Valentine's day XD Good story.
Sorry for my bad English, it isn't my language.
I really enjoyed this, however it was difficult to read in some parts
3953444 Firstly, I'd like to thank you for your great piece of feedback. Unfortunately I had no internet for the past few days so I was unable to respond sooner, but I really appreciate what you said. I've edited and revised this now so I believe all issues that you found should be fixed, and I hope it makes for a better read now.
Now that you've said this, it's become so obvious to me. I guess sometimes you don't really see things clearly until someone points them out to you sometimes, huh?
And I actually had a lesson on attribution a few weeks ago - so now I guess I'll have to correct my teacher XD
This definitely is NOT my best work, but I'd like to thank you for the lovely feedback you gave and I'm glad that there were some parts that you could enjoy. Empathy is something I consider very important when writing, and I really like exploring how people (or ponies) feel and react, and I've always considered myself to be extremely empathetic. I guess it's coming in handy now
Thanks again
Well I'm far enough along on my own entry that I decided to drop by and scope out the competition. All in all, I liked it. It makes a lot of sense that they'd know each other in a small town like Ponyville, and you went the extra mile giving them a previous semi-romantic history as well. You definitely have my vote.
4001828 Thank you :) I'll be sure to check out your entry once it's out and see what you did differently from me
. Best of luck in the competition.
4001834
Likewise
And just a heads up, your first scene is actually very similar to my second scene. But they diverge pretty quickly after that.
oh god.... I can tell why you won the contest.
Oh I loved every bit of this.
I got this really bad feeling that in the end they would be together but Roseluck would have had caner or something equally as terrible.
Im so thankful that did not happen!
Keep up the amazing work! Im looking forward to your other stories that im now going to check.