Every Hearts and Hooves Day, Roseluck tries to say three little words to Cheerilee, and every Hearts and Hooves Day, she fails. But this year, something's different.
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- Member Since 15th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 12th, 2017
Danger Beans
I was once an ordinary Lima Bean. One day I got bitten by a radioactive fanfiction writer and my life was changed forever.
Danger Beans
Joined 15th Jul, 2012 ·
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Somewhere else, Michael Bay sheds a proud tear.
I think everyone chose the same basic plot
, but I like the spin you put on it. I think the first paragraph was your best and what gripped me onto your story, but after the third paragraph I noticed an increase of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes, such as not capitalizing the first letter of the dialogue or capitalizing 'Cheery'. The ending also felt a bit rushed, and I definitely agree with you in the fact that you could have expanded it a bit more. However, like I said before, it had a good start and the dialogue between them didn't feel forced at all - it seemed really natural and flowed well, so kudos for that.
All in all, good job
This starts off very strong. Roseluck's feelings are really captured well, and I could feel her bitterness about the whole affair.
Unfortunately, the last half isn't quite as strong. I can tell you were working with a deadline, because after the point Cheerilee shows up, the story starts feeling rushed, the scene transitions get unclear, and you start making mechanical errors like missing quotation marks and not capitalizing Cheerilee's name. It's a shame, because I would really like to have seen the story this could have been if the second half matched the first.
4038878
Yes, I figured that most everybody was going to go with the archetypal "Valentines Date" plot line, myself included. So, I tried to do things a little differently with it. And I'm very happy to hear that you liked the dialogue. I figured longtime friends would feel at ease with each other even in such potentially uncomfortable scenarios, and I wanted their interactions to reflect that.
4039116
Well rest assured, you'll have that opportunity. I have no intention of leaving this story in its current state. I can only make minor cosmetic changes until the winner's announced, but once the contest concludes, I have every intention of realizing my original vision for this story.
4040510 Glad to hear that. I look forward to it.
Aw. I thought it was very cute, and now that I know you wrote it to time, you can wait to hammer out any little imperfections.
Those poor mares. What a horrible night at the movies.
...What, really? That's how this ends?
I mean, don't get me wrong, it's cute, but after all that it seems kinda anticlimatic. I was expecting something with a bit more impact.
I love every bit of it... then it ended so quickly I almost did not notice that it was the end and that they where kissing....
good build up then bam! ended quite abruptly...
either way im still glad I read this!
i.imgur.com/nzapftb.png
I like the way it started like a pretty sad seeming story and kept me in suspense about whether or not it would end that way right up until the big payoff. Normally I'm not a super huge fan of abrupt punchline-and-done endings, but it really works here to suit the purpose of this story. Great work.
Let me guess, Roseluck's 3 words are
1 I
2 Love
3 You
XD I hate Yaoi and Yuri but this seems quite interesting
So, upon having this in my to read list for WAYYYYyyyy too long, I finally got around to reading it only to then read the comments and say: "Why haven't you given this the length it deserves?
Hell, you could make this so much longer with all the potential that's in here. Flashbacks to when they were fillies, tried kissing a colt once, having fun amongst themselves...
Or in the present day, something just going right
I would honestly love seeing more of this. (and given that it's been 15 weeks since it was posted, I highly doubt the contest is still going)
So what are you waiting for?
4588464
Your comment shocked me a little, because you pretty much hit the nail on the head.
I mean, a flashback to when they were fillies is actually one of the things I've been working on!
But I digress, I've been revising this work off and on since the contest's completion, and it's going to be much longer than the current one. I hope to have it up shortly.
Thanks for reading!
4588783
Not to be a grammar person (though I am... a little... sorry) but it's 'Your'
Thanks for writing the story as I genuinely enjoyed it (which is a rare thing these days) I was wondering though, do you have any plans to continue after the first kiss? I for one would love to see them awkwardly settling into the 'marefriends' pattern and trying to make their life fit around it (with at some point the CMC's taking note and trying to 'help')
4588808
I have no plans for a sequel at the moment. Mostly because I have plans for a whole smattering of other less common shipping stories. Once I'm done finishing this, I have a Sunset Shimmer x Shining Armor story in rough draft, and two outlines for both a Pinkie x Spitfire story and a AJ x Fancy Pants story.
I like to ship.
4589922
As do I
It should be P.S., P.P.S., P.P.P.S, etc. it means postscript, post postscript, post-post-postscript, etc.
It could use a once- or twice-over editing wise, but it was a pretty cute story. I'll give you that.
4054923
Kind of late to the party but I have to agree with you on that. There are a lot of stories on here that while not written as well end on a more impact driven note. And while well written, this one ended dully.