I wish someone would tell me why they don't like it...

3907837

Your character is without choice, without free will, doing the will of people they should know are evil, twisted and sick.

The Grammer isn't that good. It's all tightly spaced together and there's issues with punctuation and "..." that aren't complete, words that shouldn't be capitalized are and others that SHOULD be in capital letters aren't, the universe of Dark Souls itself is a HARSH contrast to this world, so there's a whiplash, and the fact that you've got an overly overdone melodramatic backstory doesn't help. "Waaa! Everybody I know is dead! My mom is dead! My dad is dead! My sister is dead! My dog is dead! My best friends are dead"! It's been done SO, SO many times and there's NOTHING new brought to this story. Nor does it help that he's overly angsty about things.

THAT is why you've got so many people disliking the story.

3907837 to be brutally honest, it is your sentence structure and word choice. Your sentences run on forever, but you hardly describe what is going on.

Case and point, your story description is painful. All in all, that entire block of text is two, maybe three (fragmented) sentences. It carries on through your story and ruins any pacing you try to set because it just goes on to do stuff because of that one thing and that I had too much coffee for breakfast, suddenly I have to pee because I had too much coffee.

Breathe and take a moment to compose your thoughts. You might want to get them onto (proverbial) paper, but writing as you are just ends up with a jumbled mess. At the very least you need to get a good editor and/or proofreader.

3907883
3907870
Thank you! This is defiantly going to help with future stories!
Try to be more descriptive, Better punctuation, put capitals in the right places and no overly done back story! Got it!

3907921 Bingo. Best thing I could say would be to spend more time reading the top rated stories on here and learn how they are structured. That helped my writing an incredible amount, and ended with one of my stories being top of the featured box for a week.

Pretty much boil it down to find out what people like and do it, while retaining your individual voice in the story. I'm not meaning copy their stories, just see how the writing flows, sentence structure and the like.

3907870 But...but... I'm Batman

Sorry, it was the first thing that came to mind with what you wrote

3907948
Hahahaha.
I still don't know what is wrong with my Grammar?

3907963 just the general sentence structure. Shorten everything down and make it more vivid. See below:

What you wrote:

Kirk Thornos was once a normal man but at a tender young age he lost his parents and baby sister in a fire, a few years later after Kirk has been clinically diagnosed with Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, from watching his parents and sister burn to death, he learns of a dark secret that has plagued his family for generations and upon discovery he makes a blood pact with the apparition of Chaos and is sucked into a world where humans are nothing but animals.

A better way to put it:

Kirk Thornos was once a normal man. At a young age, he lost everything dear in a hellish inferno. As he watched the roaring flames consume his childhood home, the memory of family was burnt into his youthful mind. As years passed, Kirk slipped into the dark grasp of depression and post traumatic stress. The world around him became a shadowy place that haunted his every moment. In a moment of lucidness, his families forbidden secrets become known, and he is forced into a demonic blood pact with chaos incarnate. From that point on, his life became little more than the fever crazed dreams of a wretched god. Follow Kirk down the rabbit hole and into a world where humans are little more than dumb beasts of labor. A world populated by ponies that preach harmony yet serve slavery on a silver platter.

Follow Kirk as he becomes the Knight of Thorns and teaches the foul creatures what slavery truly is.

3907948

Batman has Robin to make him smile when there's nothing else in the world that can. And a wise father figure who isn't his father at all in Alfred...and potential love interests whom he tries to juggle "how close do I get to them"...

If this story truly wanted to develop further, it should take a few cues from THOSE tales.

...just saying.

3908014
Well. That was Metal.
I would ask to use that but that is just too marvellous.

3908048 Honestly, I was channeling the intro to the bionic man at first...

Kirk was a man barely alive. WE can rebuilt him. Better. Stronger. Faster. With a laser cannon attached to his chest so he can destroy his enemies.

*smack!

NO! Bad Steve. Stop building lasers into the freaking interns. Do you remember what happened to the last one? A magnet got stuck to her and she went insane. Bob had to hit her with a truck!

*ahem*

Kirk can be rebuilt. Repurposed. Reponied.

He will be... the guy with one left hoof.

3908064
Well after yours and Ngrey advice I think I'm going to put the rest of the story on hold and work on some one-shots for a little while!
Then come back to old Kirky

3908079 Best of luck dude

3926853 DONT QUISTION MY LOGICS i warned you i will not explain and maaybe cuz its the pinkie music its pinkie music soo.... no logic there

4586972
Well that's a little harsh.
But every artist has his or hers signature brush stroke if ya know what I mean.

This is an interesting plot... But the actual writing feels broken. A rewrite is in order, as well as an editor!

4635910 I'm good at coming up with ideas...My writing is something I could improve on.

I need more

4825381
Really?

4825551 heck yea this story has allot of potential and is already really good

4825680 I have some ideas, I will see what I can do.

4828329 sweet bro if you need a hand PM me

Bruh.....I'm sad that this story is dead.....

MOAR!!!

MOREE!

9137228
I wrote that 4 years ago

9285784
Ah i see you're a man of culture as well.