A Thorn finds his Rose

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Comments ( 14 )

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anunenka

anunenka #1 · Jul 12th, 2021 · 1 · · Just a Normal Tuesday ·

Just a couple isles, a pair of bathrooms at the back of the store, and a corner for making drinks.

Those belong in a body of water. ;) Aisles is the word you're looking for. Not a bad start so far.

anunenka

anunenka #2 · Jul 12th, 2021 · 1 · · A New Beginning(or something like that) ·

Anyway, the pony pokes their head out a bit, enough to pear over the counter, allowing me to see their purple eyes and long eyelashes. 'Guess it's a girl.'

Peer.

shadow wolf1573

shadow wolf1573 #3 · Jul 13th, 2021 · · · A New Beginning(or something like that) ·

Nice

Malabazoo

Malabazoo #4 · Jul 13th, 2021 · 1 · · A New Beginning(or something like that) ·

Promising start, I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out

Stet709

Stet709 #5 · Jul 13th, 2021 · 1 · · A New Beginning(or something like that) ·

If EqG is canon to this story, Twilight will at least know what Anon is. If not, research opportunity for Twi!

Name redacted

Name redacted #6 · Jul 14th, 2021 · 1 · · A New Beginning(or something like that) ·

10898097
Thanks for letting me know, must've slipped through when I edited it. Have a good one, and hope you enjoy the story.

Winter Star

Winter Star #7 · Jul 17th, 2021 · · · Moving Pains ·

Noticed a typo.

...between getting shot(which I'm...

Need a space between these words: 'shot (which'.

Name redacted

Name redacted #8 · Jul 17th, 2021 · 1 · · Moving Pains ·

10903816
Noted and fixed, thanks.

Pinkies Imagination

Pinkies Imagination #9 · Jul 20th, 2021 · · · Moving Pains ·

So far im interested, however the only thing i could think to ask for is perhaps longer chapters?

Amos Anon

Amos Anon #10 · Sep 21st, 2021 · · · Just a Normal Tuesday ·

Tuesdays, I hate them. For most people, it's Mondays, but I really hate Tuesdays. I guess I'm just special like that.

It's okay. I hate Tuesdays, too. You get all psyched up for monday, and then when Tuesday rolls around, all that mental energy you built up for monday is gone.

Amos Anon

Amos Anon #11 · Sep 21st, 2021 · 1 · · Just a Normal Tuesday ·

Brave to write your first story in present-tense. Let me just say that so far, it's looking pretty good, I just have a few nitpicky sort of things;

they both pull out a pistol each, both aiming at the young cashier

This phrase is a bit redundant. I would reword it something like "each pull out a pistol, aiming at the young cashier"

. His eye's widen, then narrow

It should be EYES, not EYE'S. An apostrophe makes the noun possessive, or is a contraction (eye is= eye's)

I guess it would take someone with some brain cells to rub together to tell you that though."

Needs a comma. "...to rub together to tell you that, though."

I won't do this for any other chapters. Just giving you some examples of what to look out for. Most of these are pretty common mistakes, and not too big a deal. I'm going to keep reading! So far I like the premise.

StabbymcKnife

StabbymcKnife #12 · Oct 1st, 2021 · · · Moving Pains ·

Great story! Can't wait for more of this gem. Anon's pretty straightforward in this one,bit too nonchalant for my liking but it's better than iverdramatuc Anon at least. Tho, straightforward Anon might cut down your writing length by the fact that he actually communicates through misunderstandings too quickly.

Ali della Morte