Hello. My name is, or was, Larry Crawford.
My new name is Mortis Magister, or Death Master in Latin. I took the name once I found out that the place I live in will never be welcoming to me. Or me. Or me. Or the other mes that now inhabit Equestria.
Did I tell you about how I got here? No?
Good. I don't know how.
This is the tale of how a skeleton army toppled the reign of the Pony Sisters. This is my tale.
And bones will fall.
(Characters will be added as needed)
This story is a product of Wheenesss' super power lottery post on the LoHAV forum. Check it out if you need inspiration.
(Cover art used from a public repository for facebook cover images. I hope that counts as having permission to use it.)
Chapters (3)
Good storytelling, Albert a bit confusing at times 8/10
4636559 I generally make it more coherent as the story goes on, mostly to simulate how a person with multiple perfect copies of himself comes out of a 2000 year hibernation. Not that I know from personal experience, I'm just guessing.
Once the ranks are given out, the protagonist(s) will be using "I" instead of "we" or "us," for the most part. This should lead to easier reading.
Thank you for the criticism!
I can't even think of an appropriate reply to this. Not only do you not explain all but one of them, but the one you do explain is explained with Matrix references. Also you fucking listed your character's superpowers in the story summary! Think about that for a second. Just think about it. Normally, I give stories at least a glance before I downvote them even if I think they're utter shit based on the summary, but there is nothing that could make up for that. I'm not even going to grace you with a view. Have a nice day.
Bone hunter where it uses alot of brain and recon too be very fast but can't assimilate because of the the need to move fast?
4636897
That's soooo funny.
4636979
seems legit
4636884 Sigh, I guess i expected people to be able to understand what the powers meant or to at least look them up. I am sorry if i do not live up to your standards, but remember that this is my first fic. Also, several other Super Power Lottery stories have listed their powersets in the description. However, if I had not listed these powers in the description, it would have felt to me like he was pulling the powers from nowhere.
If you must be so dead set on not reading a story before down voting, at lea-, oh wait, that's just who you are. Never mind, it is quite obvious that I can't convince you to do anything.
Have a nice morning/afternoon/evening.
4636897 That is actually quite funny, even if these guys are just skeletons. Also, to everyone reading this, the reason I keep saying that they have skin is because they can change between having it or not having it, and have recognized that Celly might recognize them if they had no skin. This is due to how Mortis operated in the past, which I will be getting to in a soon-to-be-happening chapter.
4636936 Hm. That would require a complete alteration of one of his fundamental powers. I will do it, possibly to assassinate targets, but it will need to be made non-canon.
Sorry. I will write it, and it will be awesome though.
4638663
You mean one of the most respected pre-fimfiction writers/editors on the site? Yeah, that's me. Nice to meet you~
No, seriously, I actually do normally read shit before I downvote it. That's how much your story pissed me off.
4638683 Rank means nothing to me. Sure, its nice to be noticed by someone as popular as you, but
AGH
Anything I type sounds like a plea for you to reconsider. So I'll just flow with it.
What would make you possibly change your mind? Since I'm pretty sure I'll be going over this in my head if i don't find out.
4638695
Rank has nothing to do with it, except that you brought it up--I'm assuming that vague comment was due to you being aware of my notoriety as a reviewer and opponent of almost all forms of HiE, and not a generic "fuk u hater" comment.
Ugh, I'm not in the mood for this. I'll read over this later when I'm not having a grand time swimming in the fallout from Jimmy the Gape's Asperger's meltdown. But I'll pass it on to some people in WRITE, I guess, and ask them to give you some constructive suggestions, since you're not entirely hostile.
4638741 Thank you very much anyway. I knew those anger management classes would come in handy.
In all seriousness I expected something like this, but didn't at the same time. Too much optimism in my blood maybe. And yes, i will admit that I looked at your profile to get a sense of who you are. Knowledge is power, guard it well, and all that.
4638768
My entire profile is a joke. It does not reflect anything about who I am. >.>
Ergo, I guard my knowledge like fort knox.
4638827 A wise strategy.
Okay so I get this is your first story, but unfortunately you're not a great writer right out of the gate. Since you're probably not going to bite my head off or delete my comment, I'm going to gird my teeth and get through your first chapter. Then I'll try and give you some helpful advice.
What? He put himself into hibernation for 2000 year because he was bored? You need to actually read your own story. That's something a lot of new writers don't get, you actually need to read your work. You usually find bullshit like that sentence.
It's rare that I use the word "Mary Sue" because I find it an unhelpful term most of the time. However, sentences like this remind me why the term exists. The reason why Mary Sue is a thing is because she represents a character with few challenges in her life that she cannot overcome. That is what this sentence and that bullshit list of powers in the description tells me. He will always have a way to overcome a challenge. Newsflash: THAT'S BORING!
Most people will also throw around the term "Overpowered". In a new writers mind, that just boils down their characters to a set of traits that need to be balanced. That's not what a character is.
What is this trying to say? Happiness is the emotion he is feeling now instead of some other emotion. Woo hoo?
You do know you actually have to tell the reader about your characters right? Here's something that will help you immensely, "READERS DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR CHARACTERS!" And that's how it's supposed to be. It's your job to give the reader a reason to give a fuck. You need to do that by actually letting the reader learn about them and how they interact with your world.
And that's about as far as I could get. Bottom line, your story isn't good. You've got no sense of pacing. Your story is a meat grinder of half baked and not baked ideas thrown onto the page. There's no setup (and no, that short into at the beginning tells the reader nothing and you immediately thrust us into your story with no idea what's going on. You have no idea about character or world building to actually make that work). You don't even introduce the girl reaper or whoever. She's mentioned and then forgotten. Do you see why I call your ideas half baked?
However! You do have a little bit of promise. You kind of understand how to describe a scene.
Stuff like that is good, now just add about a metric butt ton more to your story. I've seen worse, but you've got a long way to go. Good luck.
4640523 I will attempt to address your points to the best of my ability. (Wall of text incoming!)
1. The instant I wrote that sentence, I had a feeling that it would sound awkward. And now that I see this brought to the forefront of my mind, it completely derails the insanity I have planned due to him being trapped for 2000 years. So, I agree with you, that sentence is out of place and will be removed post-haste.
2. Misdirection does need to be clarified, I agree. The actual power is described as "being unable to be found through normal means." So, Twilight could, through some spell, be able to find Mortis and his army. However, it would be rather difficult when the signs and paths leading to him or his army were completely broken, changed, or impassable. But, teleportation into the middle of the army could possibly leave a bad impression. Flight might work, but a light fog may descend over his location, making it hard to see him. In fact, one example given for the power was that using stars or the moon to locate one with this power will cause the night to become foggy, leaving the person unable to use the night sky to locate his/her/its target. However, if someone has a power or spell that can clear the sky, I find it reasonable to believe that the fog could be cleared, if the person has such a power/spell.
Sigh, I had specifically picked this character because I thought he wouldn't be OP. But, hopefully after my explanation, he actually won't be. As for the list, several other writers have placed that in their descriptions, but seeing as it reveals too much, I will probably remove it. I won't be removing the shout-out to Wheenesss, since the lottery was his idea and I only used it.
(Kinda off topic, but I could easily write about a character that was as close to God as possible, yet would not use his powers for any reason, even to save the life of another. It's subjective from the writer's point of view about how overpowered a character truly is. The mental state of the character and his/her/its morals could make a mary sue character into an interesting exploration about the misgivings of someone/thing gifted godly powers who never wanted them. Granted, such stories have been done, bu- I just wrote a random paragraph of information. Huh. Back to topic)
3. I was hoping to get across the point that Clairempathy, the ability to sense emotions in a rather wide radius (or small, depending on strength), would flood the mind of whoever held it. In this specific case, all of Mortis' "selves" are capable of this power, and cannot shut it down. This means that all of the selves can literally feel no emotion but other's, as they have been deadened by centuries of ambient emotion. I was also hoping to get across to the reader that, due to his clairempathy, he only had logic and knowledge at his disposal. Any form of emotion to any of the selves is something to be enjoyed, as they have been without it for a very long time. But, I will add such an explanation in the first chapter describing how he no longer can really use/feel emotions.
As for telling about my character, I was going for the "in media res" style, where you're plopped into the story with the background being told through narration. This is what I have planned in the third chapter, currently under construction. It's relatively similar to some of the other LOHAV fi-oh, I see. I gave no intro to the actual character. I'm such a doofus.
That little spiel in the beginning of first chapter will be replaced or moved below an intro to the character.
Now, onto the topic of pacing. It's true, I have no idea how to pace a story. Even as I read my story (which I actually do quite a bit, to see if I missed a word or something sounds wrong), the first chapter seems to me like a mess, and will be given extra information about what the Commander sees. I guess, in my excitement to get my first story out, I didn't take the time and care needed to make a good story. I was afraid of the Valve approach, which is to "make something amazing but take a ton of time to do so."
On to the specific point of the reaper/skeleton girl/self. She was introduced as such to let the reader see that gender stays with the assimilated beings. However, due to the change I will instigate in the above paragraph, I will also describe how Mortis looks like as a girl.
TL:DR, I'm changing things around to make it better.
Thank you for the criticism, you have really helped me with making this story more enjoyable for all involved.
4640523
4640626
I like how after this he still made a blog saying
4644342 Ok, yes, I was kinda expecting it. However, I have a hard time seeing errors in myself. This could lead to the dislikes from the glaring errors that Sir Thursday found out. And actually, the blog I made was from before I received the criticism from Sir Thursday. In fact, I should probably make a blog about how the first and second chapters have been edited and reworked, the first moreso than the second. The first pretty much now has over a thousand more words in an intro and extra information.
I enjoy this so much, its not even confusing
4655161 I'm glad you 're enjoying it
Oooh-kay. Seems a bit rushed, but the idea seems quite okay.
You killed Zecora? Nice. You seem to be my kind of guy.
4735662 Oh believe me, I have made out a plan for (Major plot point) almost all of the main canon ponies to be assimilated. This is not going to be a happy fic. This is how a supernatural, self-spawning army would work against a relatively naive Celestia whose guards are barely more than lumps of stoic gold trying to play soldier. There will be a lot of military bashing about how a skeleton army is just so much better than the Solar and Lunar Guards. Also, I actually do like Celestia, when her character isn't being a secretive tyrant.
Mortis is pretty much a chessmaster of the highest degree.
4737905
Makes me kind of sorry that I haven't finished, published (or occasionally, started) any stories containing Rex. Or variants thereof. There's a reason I said you were my kind of guy.
Hey, you requested a Rage Review of this story a while back.
Here it is.
Fair warning: it's not complementary. At all.
4891267 Thank you for your scathing review.
I favorited this story a while ago, the concept had tickled my curiosity. I just have now read to the final chapter you have posted. You dear author have a pleased fan. I can't wait to see you assimilate the main 6, let alone go up against the solar and lunar guard. But a question, What are you going to do about the Crystal Empire? There has to be some point of contention about that specified empire. And what about the other Kingdoms that are around Equestria, the Griffons, Minotaurs, Zebras, and who knows what else out there?
I am a patient being(I've waited years for a single chapter to a story to be published.), I can wait as long as it takes till this updates again.
5834006 I was still trying to figure out the rest of this story when I went into my first year at college, so I didn't really have much time to myself (gonna need a blog post about that) but now i should be able to work on this story a little bit more. Also, thank you for reminding me that people actually read this thing, I thought it would have fallen out of popularity just because its been so long since I did any work on it. I must also thank you for reminding me that Equestria is not the only empire on whatever the planet's name is. A new chapter should be coming up some time this month...maybe. My schedule is derpy like that.
Dang it, the second author's note won't go away. Just ignore it for now.
5951275
Sweet, I'm glad that I was able to remind you of a few things. I can't wait to see what your going to give us, well, I can wait, but, I can anticipate, and be patient. Good things come to those who wait.
Hope you continue this story, it would be a shame if it stopped "dead"
Meeting yourself as the opposite gender could be quite "humorous"
Would definitively tickle my "funny bone"
6054451 So many puns.
I will endeavor to put more effort into getting this thing rolling again.
Update any time soon?
6120419 I honestly don't know. I've been putting a lot of effort into Angel of Gold, that I might not update this for a long while. I still might get to it some time in the future, but for now, I'm going to put this on hiatus. I just need to concentrate on Angel of Gold and plan more on what is actually going to happen with this story.
Sorry guys!
Please continue this it's too good not to