16 year old Marc has lived in an asylum for the last two years because of his blackouts while there he meets discord who reveals a secret that was covered up 1000's of years ago.
Chapters (7)
- Member Since 23rd Aug, 2015
- offline last seen Aug 12th, 2020
dimensional rift_13
Just a pegasister who has weird thoughts and an thirst for knowledge and reading
dimensional rift_13
Joined 23rd Aug, 2015 ·
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This is funny
ALL ABOARD THE EXOSITION EXPRESS!!! In all seriousness, now that the (kinda clunky) exposition is out of the way, I should only really have Chaos Schenanigans to look forward to!
Heresy. This is not a tale of Tzeentch, Nurgle, Khorne,
Malal, or Slaanesh.I'm liking it
I believe you may need an editor. And also maybe an editor for the story you edit so that then the editor can edit your edits so that the edits look much better compared to the edits you've made so far. Seriously. I can't emphasize more than I have by now; Get. An. Editor.
7314636 what errors did i miss and what story did i forget to edit
7316282 You missed practically every possible grammatical error in this story. When I read it, I noticed that the storytelling itself was pretty choppy, too.
7316282 If you'd like to, then I could simply rewrite the entire story for you.
7316442 no I'll just call my editor if it's just that idk i just wanted to see if it pass at first before i called him. If it's a choppy reading it is better then my first story
okay. i wanna give this thing a shot, but several things made it hard to get through this.
First off, the grammar. Sweet Celestia, senetences ran on without pause so often i had to do more than double takes to figure out what was the beginning of a sentence and what was part of the previous one.
second, felt like i was on a bullet train. so much of this story shot past without a second to fully process it, making it hard to get into the world of the fic itself.
third, why the hell is the main character just so okay with going back to equestria with discord and leaving earth behind. there was talk about his family and it's clear he loves them and vice versa, yet when discord tells him "you're my daughter, screwball. wanna come to equestria with me?" He's like "Yep. couldn't think of why not." I mean, really? Really? He has a loving family, whom he loves in return, yet he's perfectly alright with just ditching them on the spot like that? No mention of how he'll miss them? How he wishes he could say goodbye before going? Nothing?
I find it very hard to like a character who willingly will just ditch their family without a good reason (and before you say i did the same with my Screwball by her erasing her memories of her human family, remember that she only did that after learning she couldn't go home and would have to remain in Equestria, whether she liked it or not).
i will follow this but, this first chapter has so many problems, it makes me worry what the rest of the story may hold
7337743 I'll fix that also I may have rushed this chapter give me a few days
whens the next chapter? (i LOVE it
)
7365798 soon hopefully I've been writing it but I'm also trying to find a new editor as well
I can't wait to see what happens next keep up the good work update more soon
7470925 Yeah i just need to watch return to harmony a few more times and then the next one will be released
He falls unconscious a lot...
7540379 Yeah it makes it a lot easier to do scene transference and ending a chapter
These don't exist anymore. They put crazy people in "mental wards" now.
7776843 it is pretty much the same thing
Lithium is a solid. Very metallic. It does release hydrogen and heat when mixed with water, which can light the hydrogen on fire. But it's not all that flammable, comparatively. Also most high school chemistry labs won't have reactive stuff like that on hand (I don't think?). You probably should steal diethyl ether which is a useful solvent in many labs, extremely flammable, very volatile, and in gaseous form it's an explosive gas that sinks because it's denser than air. I vaguely remember being cautioned to evacuate the chemistry lab in case of diethyl ether spills.
back before I had to drop out and fail at life.
7887420 i used lithium because my high school had it in their chemistry lab left over from the previous teacher
I exploded with excitement when the story updated
7912377 thank you for the explosion but please don't blow me up with you I'm only a thousand years old I'm to young to die
7912397 oh then I'm a whippersnapper. Im 853!!!
7912405 haven't even seen the world yet learn what you can and may Luna help america
My potential scenes are tingling.
There are a few problems but that's to be expected if you like I can be your editor, although you should get a program call grammarly ot auto corrects grammar and spelling mistakes for free (the pro version helps sentence structure and wording)
But non the less I love the principle and storyline this fic is taking, things feel a bit weird/awkward but that can be fixes with better word choice keep up the food work.
How come none of your comments have periods? If Screwball was voiced, what would she sound like?
7912660 i mean hay knock yourself out i never had a solid editor usual who ever comments on my post on looking for editors takes the job but I tend to be inconsistent with release dates. Send me a message if you go through with it
7912679 you're very interested in why i don't use periods in comments i don't have an answer for that and the second question I feel should be addressed to the creators of mlp instead of me because I cannot read in other character's voices
Yay stories for days
8069092 I almost have the next chapter ready a few hundred words and I'll be done I decided to write a longer chapter than usual
Well that was interesting.
How did screwball fly when she turned into an earth pony at the end of the last chapter?
Oh yeah that's right! she should be an alicorn. I wonder why she isn't tho?
8192974 a small error in which I forgot to mention her changing into a pegasus
8193019 I guess you'll have to wait for the next chapter once I get around to writing it
7912660
One major issue I noticed was fluttershy saying "Your kidding kid"...sounds more like rainbow dash in that sentence.
The swirls are purple not green
Purple not green
Pipsqueak
8664948
Fixed plus other errors that no one pointed out
IT'S about F
ing time!!!
8665484
Sorry I forgot about it until I was going through my drive
8669303
Thank (insert good/deity name here) that you are going to get back to writing
8669545
So thank discord for bringing screwball back
8670179
Yes
8670356
The next chapter is going to cover the events of the sister hooves social and then we are going to see how screwed up an equestrian education can be
8671293
Oooh that's gonna be fun
dis bad
8896543
So is your English first off it would be this is instead of dis. Also bad is a very broad term what is bad, how is it bad, and most importantly why do you the reader sound like a 12 year old boy instead of someone educated enough to know what's wrong with it.