Sep
2nd
2013
New Awesome avatar by Awesome friend · 2:29am Sep 2nd, 2013
My favorite pony Luna as some of you might know by now has joined the Inquisitorial ranks , not by finding a picture randomly, Nay that search was over a year long and I've keep finding pictures of Luna as Horus, So I asked a good friend(Drawdex, who waited this out until recently) of mine to make a picture of Luna as an Inquisitor. And I am quite happy for the results.
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Inquisitor-Awesome · 556 views
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*BLAM!*
You misspelled your name?!
2138360
Now, since I'm finally starting to have more free time, I will reread your story, but first I will give you my opinion of the first time I read it:
I found it very original, I liked the idea of making the holy water and religious songs a thing, not only that but using the crusades and mixing it with an equestria 1000 years before the actual show brings a lot of possibilities of how to shape the story at your liking without damaging the main series.
The characterization is very good, the idea that Celestia and Luna are young and inexperienced allows to have a bit more of freedom on writing them without damaging what they represent, also it's very interesting to see you writing some characters as the ancestors of the main six.
Now my main concern is that sometimes it feels too heavy, by that I mean that there are too many stories at the same time: the 6 soldiers who killed the merchants, the conversations between Celestia and the Italian (I think it was an Italian), Sombra and his schemes and the muslims, etc.
Now, I don't mean that this is bad (although, I'm starting to write here, so I don't know that much) but the pacing needs to be either slower (so we can digest easier all of the stories, which was kinda what you were doing) or it has to focus more on the important parts (The relation between Equestria and the Europeans was always interesting and when you brought Luna it also got interesting) without making it too long or tedious to read.
Ok, that was my opinion after my first read (which was last year), now I'm going to read it again to see if there is something else to talk about, but don't worry, the premise of your story is good, original and it only needs to be a little bit of ironing.
I hope it helps, thank you for reading and have a nice day.
2138360
Sure, I don't see a reason to say no.
Also, don't worry about the grammar, I also have a few problems with it.
And don't worry, I trust in your word, and even if something happens, I'm a very patient guy.
2137619
May I ask of you opinion of my story?
Even with its terrible grammar.
I'm working on it honest!