After being hassled by her friends while trying to do some work, Twilight calls out she wished she never came to Ponyville. Then that night Luna uses her dreamwalking powers to show her just how things would have turned out.
Chapters (12)
- Member Since 24th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Sunday
Ugly-Duckling123
I'm a girl living in Ashley, New Milton. Loved mlp ever since it started showing and got to learn about these fanfic in October 2013. (Also I have dyslexia, so if I make mistakes sorry)
Ugly-Duckling123
Joined 24th Jan, 2014 ·
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Try for longer chapters
Fluttershy is one word
Elements of Harmony should be capitalized.
Their should be they're
Ellipses consist of only three periods.
Though should be through.
Its should be it's since it is short for it is
Also if a pony is sighing, say so. Don't act like this is a roleplay in which actions are shown by these *
Here should be her
"Well, if you're sure," instead of "Well if your sure,"
Full should be fall
...I'll have to wait until I'm on my computer to point out more.
Normal thanks for the tips, I'm not sure I get some of them but I'll try and sort out what you said.
Oh and thank for helping me
Twi's rather ooc, but I suppose that has tp be for the premise of this story to work. In any case, I genuinely like the concept, But the execution could Use a little work.
Before I say anything else, I have to get this off my chest: It's clear that you need a proofreader. I like where the story is going, and so far it's been an okay plot. However, misspellings and grammar issues are killing it.
Anyways, ideas: Twilight and Rarity won't be able to leave the mines very easily. You might use something like a raid or a rebellion to get them out, or having Rarity defect and take Twilight with her. But that's not the real issue. The real problem will be getting the six to work together without having the Three Rulers knowing about it.
Also, it sounded like you've already got some Element Bearers stashed away somewhere. Nightlight and Twilight Velvet, perhaps? Shining and Cadence? Maybe even the dream version of Twilight and Trixie.
3864773 I have a proofreader, (my mum) once I put it up, she prints it out, and goes over it in red pen showing all my mistakes
But thanks for the ideas and the notes on the 'getting them to work together bit, I think I have an idea though...
this is not usually my genre but, you have me intrigued after reading your prologue. so i shall read a chapter or two over the next week. thanks for sharing your story.
i wasnt the best at spelling at school either :) i did notice this spelling in your writing "Best Young Flyers competition? she said walking over to "lead" a helping hoof." and wondered if you meant "lend". i thought it more of a mistype than a misspell tho :)
3869423 Thanks
I'll go and change that.
Cover photo link?
Not bad. The pacing felt really fast, but that fits with the fact that this is just a dream.
I always say this!More like "what would happen if twilight was never born
Thanks for every-pony who has and will favor this
I really enjoyed this. Although i thought it felt a bit fast-paced it fits in with the whole 'Dream World' setup. Also i really like the ending!
OK, Nightmare Moon and Sombra make an awesome pairing, a creepy and scary as hell one, but still.
So Fluttershy lives with Timberwolves and doesn't seem to be the same Shrinking Violet from the show, nice.
Looks like Pinkie gets her chocolate milk. She loves this world.
Wow...
Interesting, I wonder where Trixie and Celestia are in all this?
Wow, Discord really liked sscrewing with peiople's heads and with the fabric of reality.
Well, looks like Sombra is going to get a blast of orbital friendship cannon to the face.
Well, this is going well so far.
4000889 You're a fast reader....
Have them hunt Sombra/nmm/discord when they come to the ever free forest!
4000895 lovely story
The S5 finale brings me back here.
Rainbow Dash with bat wings working for Nightmare Moon? Are you psychic or something?
6776959 Maybe...
But, this was my very first story, and it just seemed right so I doubt it
So much for twibra