Slight AU of Season 5's 'Scare Master'
Instead of a costume... Fluttershy once again becomes the Queen of the Vampire Fruit Bats.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 24th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Sunday
Ugly-Duckling123
I'm a girl living in Ashley, New Milton. Loved mlp ever since it started showing and got to learn about these fanfic in October 2013. (Also I have dyslexia, so if I make mistakes sorry)
Ugly-Duckling123
Joined 24th Jan, 2014 ·
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If you are going to do a retelling try to change a bit more then just having a small scene where they find a costume still hanging up. You didn't actually change anything, in the story or add anything significant.
If you took this part out, it would just be the same as the episode. This is the only thing you really wrote for yourself. The rest is just the same as the episode.
This was disappointing, I was hopping for more.
A good idea that is sadly fails to get anywhere near its potential.
If you were a new writer you could maybe get away with this, but your not. This is your 17th story. We all know you can do Much better then this.
6481734 'You have a go then' is what I will say first...
Next, it had to go as the story went or it wouldn't of worked
Third, I did mix it up a bit, with the vampire bats being there to aid Flutterbat (they weren't there in the episode)
And finally (though I'm not sure why I'm doing it after what you said) 'Thank you for believing I can do better'
After a few more comments or whatever if they agree I may redo it...
6481783 Please just know I was not trying to be rude or offend you in anyway. I just don't think you were really putting your best effort into this. Oh and fair enough regarding the bats. I thought they were just a part of the scene. For some reason I remember seeing them there with Fluttershy.
But again, you can Defiantly do better. We have seen you write good stuff before and while i have not read many of your stories, I do know you can do better work then this.
My recommendation is rather then re-telling the story, focus on the changes, don't repeat stuff the show already did unless you have to. Focus on making it different. Let us see her friends reacting to finding the costume still hanging up, show us what happens as a result. Talk about how Fluttershy became a vampire fruit bat again. Maybe change what happens up on that cliff overlooking the corn maze. Don't just reuse someone else's story.
You have a really good idea here. Explore it. Use it. Show us what you can do.
6481829 We all have off days...
This must just be my one. Thanks for saying that you have more faith in me and all that, but no matter how i look at it I just can't seem to change anything to this to fix it to how you're suggesting it should be.
If you want you can have it to try for yourself
6481829 Ok (Thanks to a good night's sleep) I've added some more to this story, and I have also mixed up the order of the text
Hope you like it better now
That was good and something else.
Wow! This was awesome! It seemed a little rushed but apart from that, great job!
6729159 Thanks
Hoped you like it
Personally I wish the episode had been more like this. At the very least, have her remove everything but her fangs, then maybe later have the fangs get shown again when she's under her bed at the end. Just a little detail like that would've been amazing.