I Blame You

by Whitestrake

... And the Morning After [Part 1]

If I had to describe this chapter in one word, it would be meh.
$%$%$%$%$%$%

What the hell happened last night? I remember spilling someone's drink, then the guy punching my stomach, then... nothing. My throbbing head didn't help much, nor did my achy chest and face. Apparently, he had done more than hit me, we must have gotten into a fight. Luckily, my stomach seems fine, I've heard that vomiting when hungover is horribly painful. For the first time, I cracked my eyes open, only to be blinded by sunlight streaming in from a window. My immediate response was to block my eyes with my arm, but when I tried to bring it over, it jerked to a stop with the sound of metal hitting wood. I braved the painful light to see what halted my progress, and I must say, I was surprised by what I saw.

Both of my wrists were cuffed to a headboard.

I can't say that I was worried, but the situation was most unusual. The fact that there was something warm lying next to me only worsened everything. With a soft snore, the warmth shuddered, and scooted closer, at least now I know the gender of my newest acquaintance. So, let's take a tally, shall we? I was drugged, went to a pony strip/dress club, got in a fight(possibly), blacked out, and ended up sharing a bed with some random mare. In one night, no offense to her, but I’ve managed to disgust myself more than I thought was possible. And I’ve seen some shit in my day, believe me.

I craned my neck to get a better look at whoever had taken me home, the little bit of paint that I'd seen was too nice for a motel, so I was likely in her house. mansion was probably a more appropriate term, however, because it was none other than Fleur-de-lis cuddled into my side. Being a member of America's middle class, it has been a dream to find a woman from a rich family, I just never thought it'd be like this. Upon hearing hoofsteps outside the door, I started to panic, because both possibilities of her relation to Fancy Pants ended poorly for me. Although, if she's his daughter, it would be much better on me than the alternative, because broken bones heal, but I can't come back to life.

“Fleur, wake up, dammit!” I started shaking as quietly as I could, taking care not to squeak the springs much. After a particularly hard motion, her eyes cracked a bit, and I seized the chance to get my point across. I wasn't about to make more noise than needed, but still, I was in kind of a hurry. “Get my clothes and uncuff me!”

“Who are you?” She was whispering in the same tone I was, and the mare was as startled and panicked as me. Of course, equine hearing is much keener than mine, and she heard the pony outside the room, which was likely Fancy Pants if I had to guess. Actually, now that I think about it, it was a miracle that she didn't bolt from the room the moment she saw me.

“Someone that's going to die if you don't him!” My voice's volume was inversely proportional to the proximity of the approaching pony. Scratch that, ponies, I heard eight hooves coming, one was significantly larger than the other, judging by the frequency of the steps. It didn't help that a familiar pain started to bloom in my brain's frontal lobe, a sign that Celestia was making a call. The message didn't even contain words, I just felt a splitting, agonizing migraine coming on.

“Daddy wouldn't kill you, he might have you arrested, though.” I couldn't tell if she was trying to be funny, at least she was searching for the keys to the cuffs. But, on a side note: THANK GOD!

You're very welcome, Taylor. Words filtered in over the pain, and Celestia's voice rang through my hungover mind. I was curious about her meaning, before the royal alicorn was kind enough to answer my unvoiced questions.

“That's certainly a side of you I never thought I'd see.” Apparently, the door's hinges were very well oiled, because they didn't make the first damn noise when opened. In the doorway stood Princess Celestia and Fancy Pants, in the stallion's defense, we were both equally mortified by the situation, whereas the alabaster alicorn couldn't stop herself from smiling. So, there I was, handcuffed to a headboard in a mansion, with the owner and the ruler of a nation looking at my naked self. To top it all off, Fleur-de-lis had just found the keys, and currently had them dangling from her mouth.

“Mr. Fancy Pants, I don't suppose you can look over this entire situation.” I've only ever dealt with one angry father in my life, and he was a marine, so a business man didn't have me scared. I knew that I was safe, for the moment, but it only takes one call to take out a contract on someone. Much to my, rather pleasant, surprise, the white stallion smiled.

“We can talk things over after you get squared away, I'll wait for you downstairs.” Without another word, he turned and walked away, leaving me stunned at how calmly he took me sleeping with his daughter. Once he was out of earshot, and my wrists were freed from their bindings, I looked to my strange bedfellow.

“Any bodyguards, guard dogs, or heavy objects that might come my way if I go down there?” When Fluer shook her head, I nearly breathed a sigh of relief, but I restrained myself in front of my current employer. I dressed quickly, and began to plan my escape, because I really couldn't trust the rich stallion waiting downstairs. Behind every great fortune is a great crime, as they say, and this wasn't the sort of situation I like to be in. Wait... was all of this just an elaborate prank?

What makes you wonder that?

Because I don't think you're above it.

If it makes you feel better, the joke is being pulled on Fleur, not you. Wait, what? How the hell could the thin pony be made the butt of some joke? Everything pointed to it being very bad for me, not her. You'll see, just go downstairs, I'll be right there with you.

This was the second conspiracy that Celestia had hatched that involved me, so hopefully things would be worth my time. On the bright side, I didn't have to worry about Shining Armor, Tia wouldn't be here if he was missing. Why do I feel like I've sold out? Putting on my shirt, and checking my wallet for my money, even though American currency was completely worthless in Equestria, I nodded to the two ponies, and began the long walk to the foyer. Only the princess followed.

“Nice face bruise, by the way.” I caught my reflection in the hall, and indeed, there was a dark hoofprint extending from my forehead to cheek. That explained why my face hurt, and my chest was in a similar state, I knew that much. Still, there was plenty that I didn't remember about last night.

“Good to see you didn't try and leave through the window.” Motherfucker! That scared me, and Fancy Pants was standing in front of me. I am way too easy to sneak up on right now, and it showed.

“I take it this happens often, no offense to you.” First world white pony problems, gotta love them. The rich stallion nodded and sighed, as if I didn't feel bad enough as it was.

“Unfortunately, yes, Fleur has the nasty habit of drinking in excess, and that never good for anypony's decision making abilities.” Fancy floated a glass of orange juice to me, which I thanked him for, because my mouth was dryer than the Mojave in July. The once-smiling stallion turned serious, and for once, that marine didn't seem so scary. “I gave her an ultimatum, and this is the first she's acted up in months, but enough is enough.”

“It's really for the best that it was you that came here with her.” I wasn't sure if Celestia was referring to her trust in me, or biological incompatibility, but neither of them did me any good at the time. Of course, Fancy knew what she meant, even if I was in the dark.

“By this time tomorrow, she'll be on her way to a very strict all-female university.” That was the only time I've ever heard of using higher education as a punishment, where I'm from, most people want to go to college. Well, I was beaten, in bloody clothes, and having a pleasant conversation with the father of the woman I'd fucked the previous night. Actually, things weren't that bad, all things considered. “I'm sorry you got caught up in all of this, really.”

“No damage done, I'm just glad to be in friendly territory.” I chuckled, and winced, at my own joke. The two white ponies noticed, and both wondered what I meant, before the moustachioed stallion understood. “Wouldn't have done too well waking up in an alleyway covered in my own vomit.”

“On that happy note, we need to get Jay from the drunk tank.”

Comments

[Napoletano]

Nice morning to wake up to.

[Bronydragon]

Waaay funnier than the chapters before. They were good, but this one actually hit the line, you got at the start, the best.

Bronydragon

[lolz anonymous]

sucks for jay.

[Anubis Nox]

Why JAY WHY!!! I can only guess that his is gonna be worst. So WHY JAY WHY!!!

[Perception Filter]

Can't tell if happy for update, or sad for short chapter.

[Magus of Chronicles]

I read all of this in one day and I only have issue:
Where are , , and . Because that's a whole load of comedy you're missing out on without them.

[Ninjuto]

“Someone that's going to die if you don't him!”

I think something's missing there.

[Raven Smite]

Drunk Tank? Roster Teeth?

[Whitestrake]

1005609A drunk tank is where police put people arrested for DUI and public intoxication

[Mondays Dawn]

1005706>>1005609
The alternate definition is a literal tank of drunk people (or ponies in this case)

[Sulliman]

Die if you don't what? Don't what?
Yay! Comedy! I loved this chapter, and I can't wait for the next.

[MicroUltraMad]

1005706
Silly, a drunk tank is an Abrahms tank full of drunk people.

[Pen Brush]

since when do people use the words drunk tank? i am 13 but even i have never heard of a "drunk tank" i think thats a made up word

[Alondro]

Chapter 25: And this is a perfect illustration of why I never drink myself to drunkenness!

If I have a night of lurid sex with Fleur, I WANT TO REMEMBER IT!! Every sordid, lewd second!

(Alondro is the Troll King! The Prince of Perverts! The One Before Whom Even Furries Tremble!)

[King_Krysalis]

Really?? Alondro?? I would rather be hand cuffed to a head board in Celestias and Luna's chambers.

[Lord_Kalbario]

1013719
YOUR AVATAR... VERY CURIOUS...*tilts head to the side*

[Rainbow_Dashtruction]

I craned my neck to get a better look at whoever had taken me home, the little bit of paint that I'd seen was too nice for a motel, so I was likely in her house. mansion was probably a more appropriate term,

Just because mansion is in italics doesn't mean it shouldn't get a capital.

[Boss_Hoss1]

1286529
A lot of people wish that was a made up word after a night's stay in one.
Few cops actually call it that officially, but thats the slang for a cell where people are tossed to sleep off being too wasted to function in public and making a nusance of themselves. This usually ends up with facing a judge to discuss fines while in the throes of a major hangover... -not that I would know ANYTHING about that-

[Razzy]

Well then, sounds about right for a bachelor party.

Cya
Raziel-chan

[DerpTape]

1013719
Sooo, a standard Abrams tank?