What you may read in this, as you have the option to leave at any point, is the bastard offspring of a Skype call with my friend Proto, whom you will read about by his real name: Jay. This is a dual self-insert that will mainly be done for shits and giggles. Some of the content within may be considered offensive, because I’m not censoring Jay nor myself, we are rude, crude highschool sophomores that joke about things no sane human being would.
You have been warned.
$%$%$%$%$%$
“In chips.” My friend, Jay, gave the punchline of a joke.
“Goddammit, Jay.” I said through gritted teeth, trying not to laugh, and failing miserably. “We're going to hell for that one.”
“Oh sure, we go to hell for a dead baby joke, but not for laughing at Bus Roh Dah.” Jay quieted down, but was still laughing. This was how our conversations went, telling jokes of horrible tastes, Jay helping me edit The Equestrian Bloodmoon, or talking about funny aspects of My Little Pony. The two of us were probably the most fucked up bronies to ever exist, and that says something.
“Bus Roh Dah was different, that was actually funny,” I replied. How could he not get this? Dead baby jokes are just awful, but Fus Roh Dah videos were hilarious.
“Hey Taylor,” Jay began.
“What?”
“What's grosser than gross?”
“I don't know, what?” I think I know where this is going.
“A garbage can full of dead babies.” Jay started laughing, “You know what's grosser than that?”
“No, what?” God help me.
“The one at the bottom is still alive.” I choked up at that one. “You know what's grosser than that?”
“Go fuck yourself, Jay.”
“He has to eat his way out.” Jay's laughter went up by about ten decibels. “You know what's grosser than that?”
“I hope you burn in hell while Satan rapes you.”
“Well, fine, be that way.” Jay finally shut up, which I found to be much more enjoyable than I should have. I got back to work on my favorite side project, which I was currently soldering one of its circuits closed. I probably should have unplugged it before starting, but that was my mistake to make.
“MUFFINS!” Right as Jay yelled that, the circuit completed, using my hand as a conductor.
“Sonofabitch!” I dropped the cylinder onto the floor and clutched my hand. Having a few thousand volts run through my hand hurt like, well, having high voltage electricity running through my hand! I couldn't think of an analogy that was better than that.
“Did you shock yourself again?” I could hear the trolling in his voice.
“The fuck do you think?”
“I think that you are a complete moron for working on that project.”
“Let's see you build something like this, then.” Some men just want to watch the world rage. My project would revolutionize the world, if I ever completed it, that is. It's not like I go around wasting my time about it, either, this is seriously difficult.
“Do you seriously think it's going to work?” Jay never did like my wild ideas, unless they pertained to comedy. “Everything about it is flawed. It will never work.”
“Go back to being scared of Cupcakes, Jay, and let real men do what has to be done.”
“We still going to hang out tomorrow?”
“Always.” With that, I ended the Skype call and went back to work. Tomorrow was Sunday, and I'd already finished this week's Bloodmoon update, which gave me plenty of time to work. Just a few more calibrations and this bad boy would be ready to rock. Faster than light travel, FTL for short, was only theorized to my knowledge, and this amazing piece of all American technology was the closest anyone had ever come. Years ago I set out to make this dream a reality, I came close, but the experiment exploded violently.
But this time, oh this time, I'd succeed, I’d make believers out of the entire world. The device was compact, powerful, and ran on a rechargeable battery, all good qualities to have for an experimental prototype. Some people wondered how a teenager could create something like this, to which I would always say that my best ideas come to me when I need to sleep. What can I say, my muse is a fickle bitch. My laptop pinged as the program finished it diagnostic run-through, all systems functioning and the device was ready to fire.
The trial run tomorrow would be my second, I’d rather not make a fool of myself in the event this didn't work. On one side of my room, I had a stool with a Pepsi can resting on it, a similar stool was in front of the opposite wall. I flipped a pair of polarized sunglasses over my eyes and gripped the cylinder of my precious invention. With the simple press of a button, the can was gone.
But it didn't reappear on the other stool, like I’d programmed it to. My laptop beeped the Skype alert: Jay was calling. Frustrated about my partial failure, I answered.
“Why did a Pepsi can just just fly out of my laptop?”
“What makes you think this is my fault?” I asked my friend. Seriously, the guy blames me for shit I don't do.
“Because you always have something to with freaky shit.” Jay sounded annoyed, then again, I would be too if an aluminum can flew out of my laptop and smacked me in the face. “Remember the zom-”
“I get it, Jesus Christ, you don't know how to let shit go.” Now that had been a wild weekend. “But, seriously though, a Pepsi can?”
“Taylor, I don't joke around with soft drinks, you know this.” Jay was being serious for once, not a good sign. “Now, why the fuck did a can fly at me?” That made no sense, the FTL gun was specifically tuned to a certain receiver, or other FTL guns, just in case I get it working. But, Jay didn't have one of my prototypes with him. Wait a second, he technically had parts of it.
During a small accident, my fault, his old laptop was fucked up beyond recognition. So, as an act of apology, I built him a new one, out of scrapped parts from my previous attempts at FTL travel. He now had Frankenstein's Laptop Monster on his desk, doing his homework for him, I'm an awesome friend. Had I even put a receiver in there? Yes, yes I did, as a replacement for a USB port that needed to be installed.
“Jay, I may be mistaken, but I think I just spit in the face of God.”
“Sweet.”
%$%$%$%$%$%
Sunday finally came, after a night of fitful sleep. I actually dream about The Equestrian Bloodmoon, that's my main source of ideas, and that had been a freaky one, definitely NSFW. But, that was behind me, my destination was only fifteen minutes away, now. My old Chevy might not look nice, but she gets me where I need to go, and right now, I needed to get to Jay's. A dip in the road jostled my truck, and my FTL gun fell into the floorboard. I reached down to pick it up.
An eighteen wheeler sounded its horn, “Shit!” I swerved to avoid the near certain death. Yep, just another day in Alabama, the third time I nearly died on this road, one that rigs weren't even allowed to drive on. I'll admit, I'm not the best driver when fully focused, so the added distraction of my precious cargo only added to the danger I posed behind the wheel. I pulled into Jay's driveway, his parents were away, so were his annoying ass neighbors.
“You ready to test this out?” Jay asked, holding his laptop, prepared for the possibility of a repeat of last night.
“You bet your ass I am.” I grinned as I set up the target. If Jay's laptop would fire whatever is hit with the FTL gun like a cannon, then we needed to test the impromptu weapon's capabilities. A foam block would be our target.
Jay tossed a baseball, and I hit the projectile with pinpoint accuracy. Like clockwork, the ball flew from the laptop and destroyed the foam brick, success! Several more trials later, my friend had an epiphany.
“What if you shoot the laptop with the thing?” I looked at Jay like he was a genius.
“Well, why the fuck not?” I aimed and readied the gun. “What's the worst that could happen?”
I fired.
And the world exploded.
okay, um... how can i put this lightly?
SHIPPINGS NAO!
Dude cupcakes scared me. Like seriously that shit was scary!
THIS. This was freaking funny. When I saw who the author was, I couldn't resist. Definitely tracking this.
...I'd complain about the guy knowledgeable enough to experiment with FTL willingly causing a Lutefisk paradox, but in all fairness the counter-arguments for all the various reasons not to turn on the Large Hadron Collider were all basically "Let's turn it on and find out".
heahea.org/img/140-Hory_Shet.jpg
WHAT DID YOU DO?!?
For anyone that is interested in the Bus Ro Dah video and hasn't seen it yet this is the link to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeiVqT6GyVY
P.S. - Yes we know we are horrible people.
Goddamn it... FIRST MISTAKE!! You pointed the transmitter at the reciver, its like feedback when you hold the mic too close to the speaker, but worse. SECOND MISTAKE!! You asked the universe to troll you by saying the stupidest thing in the world, "What could possibly go wrong?" Well here's the answer: EVERYTHING CAN AND WILL GO WRONG!!!
Sometimes I don't understand this site. Good funny stories like this get passed over, while shit like mine gets popular. This is genuinely funny, unlike most of my shit which is pretty much slapstick. Definitely favoriting
You tried to make something teleport to itself....
359431 You are horrible people and I hope you die.
Afterwards, I will then use my necronomicon powers to bring you two back and force you to continue to write these fanfics only for me!!!!!
img.ponibooru.org/_images/95ef9ee82b95cd4346c2ac63b1e00b1a/73175%20-%20crazy_twilight%20GLORIOUS%20macro%20meta%20twilight_sparkle.png
It's the peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrfffffffffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecccccccccccccct plaaaaaaaaaaannnn...
th07.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2011/290/0/b/crazy_twilight_by_argorine-d4d1dwv.png
You guy's bickering reminds me of me. Funny stuff.
Lol my names Jay den
Jayden
what's the worst that could happen?
famous last words
I laughed at the dead baby joke :D
339021 I KNOW. I HAVE SCARS
"And the world exploded."
Thats it! *shoves hands up in air and walks out of the room* Im fucking done here.
Hilarious ending lol.
my ribs and my face hurt from laughing and smiling
My friend Bryan Doty is probably THE most fucked up brony in the world. Your jokes are kid shit compared to his, i have been desensitized to most things because of this asshole, if you guys ever met, im sure you would get along perfectly.
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRfp-Jx02ds8oV2k-Dye6wjRprrS3BVVd9_CapAmrnrCxtij6JS
Why not?! Because science! That's why the F##K Not!
*reads intro* >>we are rude, crude highschool sophomores that joke about things no sane human being would.>>
Soooooo, yer gonna be singing Barnacle Bill the Sailor when meeting Princess Celestia, asking all the mares out on one-night-stands, smoking Poison Joke, and drinking all the hard cider at Sweet Apple Acres?
Not to mention WALKIN' ALL OVER MAH LAWN!!! GIT OFF MAH LAWN YA DAMN KIDS!!!
1286039 What's wrong with shooting laptops? That's a national redneck sporting event!
Did you just break Physics? Please tell me you did not just break Physics. Only Pinkie is allowed to break Physics
>>>Faster than light travel, FTL for short, was only theorized to my knowledge, and this amazing piece of all American technology was the closest anyone had ever come. Years ago I set out to make this dream a reality, I came close, but the experiment exploded violently.>>>
Ever heard of the old 80's movie "Explorers"? It was about kids building an FTL field generator from dreams sent to them by crazy aliens, and then a ship basically constructed from an old Tilt-a-whirl car. It was so beautifully campy and awesome. Ah, good times.
EDIT: I just realized I'm just at the start of chapter 1 and already waxing nostalgic over the 80's... good lord, things can only go downhill from here!
Wait... you shot the exit point of a worm hole with the worm hole generator itself?
ZOMG!! You created an infinitely collapsing event horizon! YOU JUST DESTROYED THE WORLD ASSHOLES!!!
339021 i didn't watch the full thing and i had nightmares for 3 days. but i want for who ever made that video to die a slow and painful death. he/she must pay for there crimes and the punishment is death.
As soon as you mentioned a Pepsi can I got.a bad feeling. Thankfully it was wrong but still, Pepsi does not belong in a can. Everything messes up when Pepsi is in a can. In a bottle you can only get crappy comercials but still...
OMG REALLY!!! THAT first conversation. With the babies I don't k ow why bit I really would fit in with you two... im probally a fucked up brony as well for LIKING the grimdark stuff and a lot of bronies don't... maybe its r 35 if im correct... but seriously I love the dark humorous and I understand how fucked up it is I know I went their too... and you exploded the world? Thank you for causing sandy
WHAT THE FUCK COULD GO WRONG
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/131/786/tumblr_ljkeuyjp1a1qafrh6.gif?1318992465
1529874 Cupcakes isn't a video, its a fan fiction. Read the fan fic.
"HERP DERP GAIZ! I'M A GENIUS GAIZ! LET'S FIRE OUR TRANSMITER AT THE RECIEVER GAIZ! NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG GAIZ!"
-this chapter in a nutshell
(not hating just being a troll)
The relationship that you and jay have is frighteningly similar to my friends and I...
Let us unite! The possibilities would be endless!
Cupcakes<Sweet apple massacre.
Cupcakes I laughed at. Sweet apple massacre I couldn't finish.
“He has to eat his way out.” Jay's laughter went up by about ten decibels. “You know what's grosser than that?”
Answer: He comes back for seconds.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
You said the cursed phrase!!!!!!
May the wrath of Murphy fall upon your head.
1612547 it is also a video. i saw both, instantly regretted it. but at least i got a good song out of it.
953543 If I could I would vote this comment up.
339021
neighboursandfriends.se/abilitynordic/wp-admin/network/guise-srsly-pug-gif-i13.gif
i WAS gonna get a better picture, but i got this instead
because derpy
Hmmmm interesting........
1. you thought to shoot an object out of itself, complete paradox there, 2. "what could go wrong?" you NEVER do what you were going to do, or it goes wrong.
we rednecks do tend to invent some fucked up shit.
What do you mean joking about that kinda stuff isn't normal? I listen to music that would give most people nightmares to help me sleep . Babies being forced to eat each other is fairly low on the list. I joke about stuff about as morbid as that all the time, that's normal... right?
At least I know there's another person who gets all their best ideas when they're supposed to be asleep.
FTL Drives or in other terms known as slip-space drives that use Torsion Field Generator physics, (seeming as all other ways would be way to.. how do i put this...Advanced: Talking tens of thousands of years to master), would not create a 'portal' to another world, Merely create a slip-space pocket (Sub-space) at most. It does not teleport. It is a faster means of travel that is only bound within the parameters set of this worlds laws. However this does not mean that the 'Multiverse' Theory is incorrect. For what is restricted is only limited to our minds, to actually do it is another thing. And if our minds created the category known as MLP: FIM, then well... somewhere out there.
Never mind, this is a fiction story anyway.
359431
i never seeing something like this in my life
Thank you
and never seen it on 4chan
so
yes you guys are horrible
1286039
encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS2SA_qr9N-Ugp6u7WiIkOrugVHjt4me8jTqToE0WqLUmQweHCrUA
on the idea of the story
2217754
What's the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of dead babies?
You can't pick the bowling balls up with a pitchfork.
What's worse than a dead baby?
10 dead babies.
Whats worse than that?
A live one.
339019 i dont like the female on female shippings, they are just stupid, why not ask about the heard thing where one male gets multiple female because of the higher female to lower male ratios
339019
Oh my...
Your picture
That is possibly the cutest MLP picture I've ever seen... SO CUTE!
To finish the joke “He has to eat his way out.” Jay's laughter went up by about ten decibels. “You know what's grosser than that?” “he goes back for seconds.”