Mail Time With Ponies (32)
Mail Time With Ponies
"Oh sister! Guess what time it is?" Celestia called to Luna. They really were beginning to enjoy this. It gave them a break from the day to day monotony of their lives. It had also become a way to bond with each other, to reconnect after that thousand year gap.
"Did Griffin send us letters?" She asked, to which Celestia responded by smiling, dumping a mass of scrolls on the floor of their study. They both lay on their comfortable recliners as they began to sort through the mass of letters they had received.
"Well, unfortunately, my faithful student is off chasing a pirate, so I guess we'll just have to put up with reading prank letters from the very same pirate in the mean time." Celestia said with a smirk.
"Oh, you like them and you know it." Luna replied mirthfully.
"I never denied that. While a few of the last ones were definitely out of line, for the most part, getting unofficial letters has been enjoyable."
"Well, let's get started then shall we?" Celestia levitated the first letter.
"Oh, one for you Luna."
"Gimme!" The younger snatched it excitedly, and her eyes going wide as she read it.
Dear Princess Luna,
If your sister is the sun princess, why are you the hotter of the two?
Sincerely, Equestria's most wanted, and at the moment, least feathered, Griffin.
"Yes dear sister, if thou art the princess of the sun, and the eldest, why am I considered 'hotter'? Apparently, Griffin believes me to be the more attractive." Luna said using ye old speak, not slipping into old habits, but rather as a tease to her sister.
"It doesn't say that."
"Yes it does."
"Let me see."
Luna passed the letter to her older sister, who could hardly believe what she was reading.
"And the number of members in the 'Luna is best pony' club has just increased. Yes!" The blue alicorn cheered.
"Am, am I not attractive?" The white one almost looked hurt.
"Well, of course you are, I mean, it's really all just a matter of personal taste. He probably just prefers, leaner types."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Celestia scowled.
"Well, it's no secret that you HAVE been eating far more cake than you used to." Luna giggled.
"I am an immortal godess! I raise the sun every morning! My figure is perfect!"
"If it bothers you that much, just go on a diet."
"I do NOT need a diet."
"Let us see what the scale says then shall we? Ah ah, no wings." Luna brought in a scale and had her sister step on it.
"Now you'll see that I haven't gained any weight at.... all? Oh... oh my! Are you sure this scale is calibrated properly?" Celestia looked in shock.
"I used it yesterday myself. I am quite surprised to see the number being.... that high. Oh dear. Looks like I'll have to call in the royal outfitters to make adjustments to your raiment." Luna had a devilish smile.
"Don't you dare! I will not be made a laughing stock by my little ponies just because I am... not... so little. I am not fat, merely big boned." Celestia defended herself before looking at the scale again and sighing.
"Well, it seems as though Griffin also had image issues of his own. Equestria's least feathered griffin? Probably molted, over reacted, and pulled out all his feathers." Luna suggested.
"Like you, your first time?" Celestia's words were like stabs in her sister's head.
"Don't remind me..." She grumbled.
"Next letter?" The older suggested.
"Right. Next letter."
Dear Princess Celestia
Want to know how to make your horn 30% larger today?
Sincerely, Griffin.
"What....... I don't even...... what?" The sun princess didn't know what to say to this. What can one say to such a claim? Luna began giggling.
"Sister, don't you remember? Before my banishment. Having a large horn was seen as...... attractive. We used to get mail all the time containing advertisements like this. How HE knows about them, I have no clue." Celestia face-hoofed.
"Right, I had almost forgotten, everyday we got pamphlets for 'Hornaid', it got so bad I outlawed the product, especially considering it was rubbish. Besides, my horn is longer than that of any other pony alive, what use have I for such knowledge?" Celestia still had a faint blush, remembering the 'specifics' of the advert.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Why are ponies racist?
Sincerely, Gilda.
"Racist? Ponies aren't racist." Luna declared.
"Actually....." Celestia had a frown.
"What?"
"They kind of are."
"Sister, in the thousand years I have been gone, did I miss something drastic?"
"There was almost a war. The griffin dominion began becoming more and more hostile, until finally, a hundred years after your exile, I had to take apart their government to pacify them. Ponies never really got over it. There was never any actual combat, but the threat looming there for a hundred years put them all on edge. Even now, Equestrian griffins and diamond dogs, who live by the rules, work hard and honest, have a very difficult time gaining trust. Also, partly because of their predatory nature. While they can be vegetarian, and many are, seeing something walk through town that has the capacity to eat you is unnerving." Celestia explained.
"Even now, you just said something instead of somepony or someone."
"I know. It means they have a really hard time getting close to anypony. I seem to remember my faithful student learning that the hard way with a certain zebra, and zebras are similar to ponies. I can't even imaging how difficult it might be for a non equine." Celestia sighed.
"Unfortunately, there isn't really anything we can do about it. It's not like we can just tell ponies to trust. I know that myself." Luna sighed as well.
"It really is sad, they have such culture, and a flame in their hearts, and yet they are reduced to such a state."
Dear Princess Celestia,
Is your horn hard?
Sincerely, Trixie.
Just reading it, both alicorns began to blush furiously, before finally bursting out in laughter.
"Are... are you sure they know what they're asking?" Luna said as she wiped a tear away.
"Trixie is a unicorn. She knows exactly what she's asking. She knows all about how, like pegasi who's wings pop open when excited for some reason.... or another..... unicorns, when..... aroused....... have an increased magic flow that causes a rise in horn rigidity. It's highly unprofessional, and extremely immature to ask something like that..... which is why it's so funny! They call themselves pirates, but they're like little kids! It's hard to think of them as the same barbaric killers who rescued my nephew. It's hard to believe the report that the very same pirate band assaulted the mayor of Wethoof and scarred him permanently." They both contained their chuckles.
"He WAS kind of a twat, wasn't he?" Luna remarked.
"He had a deep pain that makes him less than accepting of non ponies. While what Griffin did was inexcusable, I'd be lying if I said he didn't have it coming. He probably tried to double cross the pirate captain, which sounds like a bad idea to begin with. Anyways, I hope my horn isn't going to be a future topic of discussion in these letters..... Speaking of letters, next!"
Dear Princess Celestia,
If a blue house has blue bricks, a red house has red bricks, and a yellow house has yellow bricks,
What colour bricks does a greenhouse have?
Sincerely, Griffin.
"Oh very funny. Luna, I know this one, you want to take a guess?" The older said with a smile, full well knowing Luna wouldn't get it.
"Blue house, blue bricks, red house, red bricks, yellow house, yellow bricks, green house, green bricks, right?"
"Actually, a greenhouse is a building made of glass. It let's sunlight in while keeping the cold out, letting plants grow during winter and in colder climates. It was invented five hundred years ago, so it makes sense you wouldn't know about it. It doesn't have bricks, it's glass." Celestia explained.
"First flattery, then he reminds me of how out of the loop I am. What I would give to know what's going on in his head."
The Volcanic Wastes
'And a ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, banana phone! Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding, banana phooooooooooooone.'
Back With The Princesses
"Aha, another one for me." Luna picked up the next letter.
Dear Princess Luna,
Do you have a pet?
Sincerely, Nadene the cat.
Ps: Meow.
"Nadene the cat? Who's this? I don't know of any cat species." Luna asked.
"Well, I think it might be another member of Griffin's crew. So, there's Griffin, Gilda, Trixie, Nadene, possibly Echo? No, I don't think he's a member of them... he sounds like he's doing something else. It looks like their numbers are increasing. They could quickly become a problem. As for what, there is a lot we don't know. Knowledge about the south of the equator is nonexistent. We're too busy taking care of Equestria to go exploring what's down there. We don't want to uncover something dangerous and have a whole new set of problems on our hooves. I guess there are sentient cats." Celestia mused.
"As for the question, do I have a pet? Well I did. Sister, what happened to Betsy?" The younger asked.
"Betsy?"
"You know, my pet titan spider?"
"Ah, right. You always kept the creepy pets. Well, eventually it got too big and started trying to eat ponies, so I had it transported to the Temple of the Hidden in the Great Southern Rainforest. I sealed the door so nopony would try to go in there looking for treasures and get eaten. There was a strange amulet there, along with a fair bit of gold, but we didn't bother taking it. I was going to, but the explorers were adamant that we remove nothing from within. Something about it being best to let the ghosts of the past slumber.
"Well, that's good to know. They're cute when they're small, but when they get big, they can be a problem. I'm glad you didn't just kill it."
Dear Princess Luna,
What is the main ingredient in moon pies?
Sincerely, Griffin.
"Marshmallow. Doesn't everypony know this?" Luna pouted.
"I think he was referring to the fact that you're the princess of the moon. A joke."
"Ah, a joke. Well, it wasn't very funny. Now that I think about it... it's been a thousand years since I've had a moon pie! Excuse me for a moment." With that, Luna's horn began to glow, and she called an absurd number of the treats to her side.
"Alright, ready to continue."
Dear Princess Celestia,
Have you ever toured a glue factory?
Sincerely, Griffin.
Celestia gulped. She didn't like this question. Back when she and Discord had been together, he spoke of a world where equines had been used to make the paste. In their world, they used processed tree sap, but the question still stuck on her mind. Luna knew of this as well. They both scowled as the sun princess folded the letter up and put it away.
"Let's forget that one."
Dear Princess Luna,
Do you like my letters?
Sincerely, Griffin.
Ps. I wrote two letters today, so
THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
"He, wha, how did he know about that? Errg, talking like that to the entire town was one of the most embarrassing things to ever happen to me. It's so humiliating! How does he know about that? Everypony promised never to speak of it again! While I enjoy most of his letters, some of them are just out of bounds."
"I agree. While the riddles are fine, he sends annoyance after annoyance to me, then he showers you with flattery, followed by embarrassment. It's like he's got multiple personalities. Happy, playful, and then angry and hurtful. I think I'm beginning to understand him, and by that, I mean he's nuttier than Discord, and far less predictable. Funny, I never thought I'd say someone made less sense than that draconnequuis."
"Griffin being an alien is beginning to make more and more sense though." Luna remarked.
"Indeed. Knowing about things he wasn't present for, things that happened millenia ago, and his personality being different than anyone else, pony, griffin, or other. Still, we'll never know until we catch him." Celestia mused.
"Why? I mean, we CAN send him letters. Why not just ask him? Worst that happens is he does what he did last time."
"You're right. Let's finish these letters first though. Hmm, this one says open last, okay, let's go for a different one then."
Dear Princess Luna
If someone is a fan of yours, are they technically a lunatic?
Sincerely, Griffin.
"Well, considering how crazy the members of the 'Luna is best pony club' are, I'd have to say yes." Celestia teased.
"You're just jealous that I'm gaining in popularity." Luna pouted.
"I'm not jealous at all, I'm actually glad you're gaining a better position in the public eye, I just wish it wasn't all with the mentally ill and emotionally unstable."
"Oh hush, next letter."
Dear Princess Celestia,
Do sundials malfunction if you stand near them?
Sincerely, Etch.
Ps, He needed a little help writing this one, that's why it's in my style, Griffin.
"Who's Etch?"
"No idea."
"Well, looks like this 'Nadene' isn't the only one who has joined them. They're gaining momentum, and that worries me. Still, very clever, very very clever."
Dear Griffin and Crew,
I had a great deal of fun zooming around the study on my flying chair,
No, I have never mooned someone,
I am more attractive than my sister because she eats too much cake,
I had a pet titan spider, who now resides in a temple in the jungle where you are located,
Moonpies are made with marshmallow, doesn't everypony know that?
I do like your letters, that are quite humorous, and a nice change of pace.
Just because most of my fans are lunatics doesn't mean it's a requirement.
As for my question, how did you know about that Nightmare Night? All of Ponyville swore they would not talk of my 'old equestrian speak' Are you an alien as the rumor states?
Sincerely, Princess Luna.
Dear Griffin and Crew,
I did not have Twilight determine your intention, she decided to theorize this of her own accord, and I do not know why you received your letters in that manner.
Discord is a terrible fiend for locking my son, Disarray, away for two thousand years, my sister's banishment was to protect the world, and I do like bananas.
Despite what she's going to tell you in her letter, my sister did indeed moon somepony at flight camp, when she had a little too much cider for her own good one evening.
My sister is not more attractive than I am. Long horns and large wings are considered 'Hot' and I have the largest, in both categories, in all of Equestria. I do not need your 'horn extension' product, and no, I am not aroused currently.
Greenhouses are made of glass, and do not have bricks.
As for why ponies are racist, unfortunately, there are a number of causes, and I cannot state one specifically. It truly is a shame.
Sundials will continue to work normally despite my proximity to them.
As for my questions,
One, is Echo a part of your crew? Luna and I are not sure.
Two, are you an alien as you claimed to my student, and is that how you know the things you do?
Sincerely, Princess Celestia.
After sealing both of their letters, ensuring that they didn't see each other's, they sent them off, then proceeded to relax with a cup of tea.
"Oh wait! We forgot the one that says 'open last'. It's for you." Luna remarked.
"Ah yes, of course. let's see here."
Dear Princess Celestia,
Rather than my usual letter, I'm writing to tell you that I've figured out how to use magic. Considering that I'm not a unicorn, this is a rather large achievement. As for the details of my discovery.... NOT TELLING! What's wrong? Jealous?
Sincerely, Griffin.
"What? Hold on, wait, what?" Both alicorns stood there stunned. Non unicorns using magic?
"Does he mean like using charged gems in a stove?" Celestia asked.
"No.... given the context, I think he means ACTUAL magic, although it's perplexing to think about how a non unicorn could use it."
"If that is the case, I must send a letter to my faithful student at once! It may just be fallacy, but if his claim is true, they could be in great danger!"
Celestia took out a parchment and quill, then hastily scribbled something on it before sending it off. Not five minutes later, she received a response.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Twilight left me home to watch the library while she goes off on an adventure..... again. Unfortunately, I don't know where she is, nor do I have any idea of how to forward this message to her. Sorry.
Sincerely, your faithful student's number one assistant, Spike.
"She.... left him home....... AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!" Celestia stomped her hoof, causing the entire room to shake, before calming herself with a sip of tea after a glare from her sister.
"What is the point of me having painstakingly enchanted Spike so his dragon breath serves a messaging system between us, if she doesn't take him with? What if she get's in trouble? She'd be unable to call for help! I swear, she's a genius, but she can be so..... dense sometimes! I'll have to have a talk with her, assuming she makes it back."
"Sister, try to have a little more faith in her. While it is extremely foalish to leave him home, probably out of worry for his safety, she can handle herself. She is surrounded by her friends. She will make it back." Luna encouraged.
"Still, she's stifling him! How is he supposed to grow up properly if all he does is spend every waking hour as a postal worker and librarian?"
"Maybe she doesn't want him to grow up? After all, if he does then....."
"He'd have to leave. Ponyville is simply too small for an adult dragon, but that's no excuse for keeping him penned up all day. Still, this is worrisome. Given the way the Griffin Pirates acted with Frost Snap, I fear for their safety. For the first time in a VERY long time, I feel helpless......."
"There's nothing we can do at this point, and for we, who can do just about anything, it hurts beyond measure."
"Twilight, please be safe, you and your friends."
You're probably wondering why Celestia doesn't just send the letter to Twilight the way she sent it to Grif........ I don't friggin know! I guess it'll just be one of life's unexplained mysteries. There has to be a reason she sends them through Spike and not to her directly. I mean, Twi's letters don't get burped up, they just appear.
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all i can say is simply: lol
Hehehe. Griffin is gonna have fun with those letters.
Maybe spike has the same magic... resonance?... as Twilight and a spell that needs to lock on to her will go to the closest one, in this case spike
first
damn.......
great chapter
I just finished reading the last chapter, then I find out that you uploaded another!
Will Spike meet Shimmer? That could be an amusing encounter.
Still waiting on the rum.
Celestia admitted she likes bananas. you know hat that means, right?
heh
this funny
I like funny
CUTEFACES!!!!
2.bp.blogspot.com/-M49odCVWr1g/TrR9pzj_yTI/AAAAAAAAR2o/vgRAOISY-ho/s1600/80364+-+artist+reuniclus+celestia+cute+filly+luna+sisters.png
Alright, I'm calling that BlackWing is the overall god of words since he produces pure awesomeness in word form.
MORE WORDS FOR THE WORD GOD.
Or blood, whatever you want really.
and thus the fun was indeed doubled.
huzzah two in one day now I wait
Lol that titan spider is dead.........
Dear Princess Luna,
Spiders. Why does it always have to be spiders? Speaking of which, we killed one in a sealed temple.
Sincerely, Griffin
Ps. I also got myself an amulet and some spendin' money. Best. Temple Ruins. Ever!
"First flattery, then he reminds me of how out of the loop I am. What I would give to know what's going on in his head."
The Volcanic Wastes
'And a ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, banana phone! Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding, banana phooooooooooooone.'
SWEET JESUS CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!!!
I have put considerable thought into the messanging problem and have came up with the only possible solution.
Because shut up! thats why.
Last.
HornAid! Apply directly to the forehead! HornAid! Apply directly to the forehead! HornAid! Apply directly to the forehead!
HornAid! Available at Wallgreens.
P.S. Ponyville is too *small* for an adult dragon, not too big.
513972 Thanks, how did I miss that one? *Fixed*
AWESOME!
3 words in one are the best to describe this: LOL
LOL that titan spider...
Luna's going to flip when she hears it died...
Wait....that spider that grif killed.....oooooooh boy......
You sir are one funny author. Awesome chapter!
514495 Griffin's gonna flip when he finds out that it was her PET. Methinks that she my be knocked of the Best Pony Pedestal after this. Maybe not.
I know where you can go bananas. Need I say more?
Flight camp=Band camp from earth.
ahhhh
this has been a wonderous occasion
and now with the RCV
THIS HAS BEEN A MOST WONDEROUS OCCASION FOR FUN
the fun has been doubled
Maybe because a griffin spitting fire is awkward, but a pony who spends her life covered in books and lives in a tree,spitting fire, is just dumb...
Spike is a dragon, he can kinda hold it...
I think that if Celestia enchanted Spike, it's more like she enchanted his fire, so that it could be used for what it's used. The reason why he burps the scrolls is because they arive inside of him(at least the components needed to form the letter). After that he lets them out and poof you have a letter. Now when he sends Celly a message, the letter isn't teleported inside of him, but instead the fire/smoke that is enchanted to travel to Celly while transporting objects reaches her from the outside, thus not making her burp the message up.
Or to quote a previous chapter Magic *Snort Snort*dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png
BANANAPHOOOONE!
I think it finally clicked what this reminds me of. There's a fanfic for Naruto I read called "Yet Again, with a little extra help", and the "crazy nutso awesome" type of self insert that makes me like that fic so much is the same here.
An example of the kind of thing I'm talking about would be
"I wonder what kind of fiendish plan he's thinking up now..."
By the banks of the river that runs through Konohagakure, all was quiet.
"...I'm hiding in a tree!" Someone shouted. "It's F---ing brilliant!"
Umm~ This is in regards ta how Grif gets his letters from the Princesses.
Ah dunno if somepony else has already brought this up or naught. . . However, dun' Griff still have a bit o' the dragon's magic blood in him? So when Celestia sends him mail, it reacts to that. It give's reason to why Celestia can't do the same fer Twilight, she's got no dragon magic, ergo can't burp up her own mail. . .
761786 Genius!
761786 I was thinking the same thing.
...your dragon blood... spike beeing a dragon... naahhh cant be it >.> right?.... RIGHT!?
why was I reminded of Dial Tones of Skypia from One Piece when I read this chapter?
i got a tought on why , maybe twilights got a nuff magic in her that any letters would get jumbled up
513735 " BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE"
1862776 You mean the blood that we Tyranids drain from everythi-*BRRAP!!!* -oh, Hivemind, excuse me! Must be that Ork I ate 5 minutes ago...
513639
KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!
I am dissapointed, for now I must stop reading and go to work.
2595191
I love weekends.
2595191
Ha, work.
bananna phone
i NEED TO SEE IT
Shut up, Cartman.
Reading this in class was a bad idea. Banana phones can be cause for serious embarresment.
Probably because the magic used needs Spike to be near Twilight Sparkle. That or went she uses that other spell she needs to know the location.
i love the "whats going through that geniuses mind" it reminds me of me when someone asks what im thinking about
513735 yes good
Luna is best pony!
Celestia is a sly one.
761786 *ping*
Damn! That sneaky little bastard! Didn't see that one coming
Well done, Blackwing!
I had wondered why that bananar song sounded so familiar, because I had forgotten mi favorite song
P.S. Be sure to read this in yoor best Scottish accent, aye?
Bananaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
Anyway, Celestia .at be Princess of the Sun but she sure isn't very bright.
But tat may just be because half of these riddles are "human exclusive".
P.S. BlackWing: Two people are born at the same moment, but they don't have the same birthdays.
How can this be?
Sinverely, everybody's favorite Lord and master, FOXTrot