It only gets weirder-er

by Aiet

This is why we can't have nice people

It's now been about three weeks since we have been in Equestria and couple of days after Pony-gra, thankfully, nothing has happened. Oh I do have all my hair back. How you ask? One day Travis came over to the tree house where I was alone and having an unusual lunch. When he came in he stared at my shinny head with light fuzz still on it.

“Hey fat ass, what ya doin'?” I flipped him off as I continued eating...

“Is that clay?” he asked as he came over and I was eating... brown clay. I nodded my head as I shaped it into a burger and kept on eating, it wasn't half bad. It was fully bad.

“Why are ya eatin' clay?” I held up a finger to motion him to stop as I finished the last of the clay. Then I held my nose shut and closed my eyes like I was trying to pop my ears. Travis jumped back when the clay erupted out my head and face, I then smoothed it around and with a pop it became normal hair.

“Just like before.” I ran my hand through my new hair as Travis stared at me. He was about to ask me how I did it but he thought better then to. It's pretty awesome to be able to do just about anything you wanted. This was really the high light of my week after Pony-gra which was great. No Lyra, no being drugged, no waking up with no hair, and no cake. But something did happen that was quiet... pleasing. I was wondering aimlessly around town since Twilight was busy with some experiment or something. I saw Travis with Applejack selling apples like normal, usually I would go over and give him hell but I didn't feel like it. I felt a disturbance in the force. I started snooping around town looking for this feeling of unease. I was rowing through the town in a small boat and paddled in the air slightly above the ground as I looked though a spy glass. Then as I came closer to the tree house I felt it. I got out the boat and it floated away into the sky to never be seen again. I crept around the tree house until I found an open window and as I peered inside I saw this disturbance. I stood there and watched for about ten minutes before Travis happened along.

“Hey what you doin'?” he came over to stand next to me.

“Watching TwiShy.” he raised an eye brow and looked in the window with me as we watched Twilight and Fluttershy get it on.

“Nice.” was all he said as we both stood there for a couple of minutes before another voice sounded behind us.

“What are you guys doing?” we both jumped and turned to find Rainbow Dash behind us. Travis looked guilty as hell and I just shrugged and motioned for here to be quiet and come here with us. She walked up with a quizzical look on here face and looked through the window and stopped dead. She looked wide eyed at the scene inside the tree house.

“woah.” she just kept watching in a trance as we watched with her. She was really getting into it and I decided to have a little fun as I bent down and got real close to her ear.

“Nice isn't it? You're really liking this arn't you? I'm sure they would let you join.” she couldn't pry her eye's from the action inside.

“Do you think so?” she said a little distant as I smirked and got closer, breathing on her ear.

“Yeah I do. Just go inside and have a fun time.” she started biting her lip and suddenly turned away, leaving us. Travis and me continued to watch as Rainbow Dash walked in side. Twilight and Fluttershy stopped and stared at her as she walked seductively to them, after a couple of nervous glances we were now watching TwiShyDash. After a couple more minutes there was another voice right between us.

“You guys are pervs.” it was Pinkie Pie and she just watched with us. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back when she brought out a tub of popcorn, so now the three of us ate popcorn while we watched a threesome. Needless to say it was a pretty good time. Now skipping ahead a coupe of days later I went over to Sweetapple acres to see Travis. Instead of being like a normal person (where's the fun in that?) I quietly crawled in through the window to his room where he had is back to me. I know being a big guy you wouldn't think I could sneak so easily but I can, just think of me like a fat ninja. All around the floor by him was crumpled up pieces of paper and he was writing on another. He finished it and held it up to look it over, that's when I crept up behind him and quickly snatched it. He turned around with a scared face as I jumped back with the letter beginning to read it.

“Give it back asshole!” he tried grabbing for it but I moved out of his reach. I started reading out loud.

“To the dearest Princess of the Moon, Luna, who's mane is like silk night and coat of dark blue such as the sky as the sun makes way for you. I am but a stranger to this land and to you but the heart knows not of such things. I would throw my self in a daggers path that aimed for you. I know that you are royalty and I am but a commoner but when I lay my eye's upon you I feel as if I were a king. Even if you were to refuse my love I would still love you from afar so as not to bother you again. Travis.” I looked up at him and his face, ears, and neck was beat red. I looked down at the letter then back at him. I am a horrible friend. I quickly turned around and jumped out the window with the letter still in hand. Travis tripped trying to climb out the window so it gave me an even bigger head start on him. Again I know I'm a big guy but I can ran fast like hell. After some more running with Travis still trying to catch up I made it to the tree house and burst in side.

“Spike!” he was sweeping the floor and I tackled him to the ground.

“Send this letter to Luna!” he looked at me scared and confused.

“Send. Luna. Now.” he nodded his head and let out green fire. Travis made it in time to see the green flames eat the last bit of the letter and stopped dead. He went from red to white to gray. He just stood at the door way doing nothing as I got off Spike, walking away. He stood there for two hours when Twilight came back from where ever she was and tried to get pass him.

“Travis? Excuse me.” she couldn't get him to budge and decided to just use her magic to teleport on the other side into the tree house.

“What's wrong with him?” she asked as Spike was still cleaning and I sat on the couch reading a book.

“Oh I broke him.” it was the only answer I gave her as I kept on reading. Not to much later Spike let out a burp and a letter popped out. He opened it as Twilight came over to him.

“It's from Princess Luna.” that snapped Travis back to life as he quickly looked at him.

“She says that she needs all the girls and the humans in Canterlot in a hurry.” Travis looked like his skin turned black like it was poisoned. I got off the couch and went over to him since it seemed like he broke again. I snapped my fingers in front of his face.

“Ah'll murder you later.” he slowly looked at me with hatred in his eye's and I laughed as I went to get ready to go. Twilight had Spike round up the others and soon we were in a carriage on our way to the Princess. To Travis this must have seemed like death row and I was trying not to laugh the entire time. The carriage took us all the way to the castle and Travis looked ready to pass out as we got out the carriage. We were greeted by a guard.

“Princess Luna will be with you momentarily until then she said to make your self comfortable in the castle.” he turned around and led us in side the majestic palace. We all went our separate ways in side, except Travis he just kinda stood there. It felt so great being in side the castle as I walked down the halls and then out side on a balcony where I found Rainbow Dash messing with two Pegasus guards. She was making faces and doing other dumb stuff to make them do anything but they stood there like stone. I walked up to them as she gave up.

“Here lat me try.” she watched me with a raised eye brow as I slowly walked up to the one on the left. As I got to him I got as close as possible and ran a hand under his jaw covered in white fur. His eye's twitched a little at this and I brought my face to his ears.

“You're going to like this.” I whispered into his ear and pulled back a little. I then started to run my tongue up along the edge of his ear causing his eye's to roll to the back of his head. I flicked the tip of his ear as Rainbow Dash let out a gasp as she was looking below the waist (so to speak since... you get what I mean), even the other guard was staring. He suddenly took off with his legs crossed as he flew off. Rainbow Dash started laughing so hard she was crying and the other guard eyed me warily. I left the two on the balcony and began roaming the halls again. Mean while Travis was in the in the throne room staring at the floor when suddenly Luna and Twilight came in. He looked up at them and Luna didn't even acknowledge his presence as they stopped in the middle of the room.

“Just as I feared, the peace negotiations have gone sour with Saddle Arabia. They have threaten war.” both held a serous face and then a unicorn guard came in with scrolls floating in the air. Twilight went to him and he gave her one from the many he had. As Twilight was busy with the guard Luna looked towards Travis and he froze but then she smiled at him. He felt relief and returned her smile in kind. Now back to me. I was wondering the halls when I saw another two guards stationed at an elaborate door. I was probably going to the moon for this.

“Hey there is a mare stuck between the railing on the stares and she can't get out. I mean you should see her it's funny since her tail got caught and is being held high and everything.” the guards looked at each other real quick then at me.

“We'll go at once... to help her of course.” they both left a little bit faster then a walk and I turned back to the door. I slowly opened it and slipped in side while closing the door softly. It was a massive chamber decked out for a royal female. I made my way through the dimly lit room to find a large, majestic, round flank sitting on a mass of silk cushions. Princess Celestia was reading some scrolls and had a mass more of them next to her. Time to be sent to the moon.

“Hello there sunshine.” I spoke smoothly as I ran a hand through my hair but she didn't respond. Maybe she was really into her ready like Twilight would get. I cleared my throat loud to get her attention but it still didn’t work. I was starting to get annoyed.

“Hey miss bubble butt.” you see her flank, while sitting down from what I could see, was nice. Round, firm yet still had some give, and big. I am an ass man. But I was trying to get her to notice me already.

“Hey twat!” I raised my voice and she put down her scroll. Ok moment of... never mind. She used her magic to get another, still ignoring me.

“So you just going to be a royal bitch?” still not a single reaction. At this point I was getting a little pissed.

“Fine... bitch.” I turned and went back for the door but some shifting stopped me. I turned back to see her... sipping from her tea cup. I stormed out and closed the door hard, confusing the guards as I left. I went to the throne room to see if they were done yet. I saw Twilight with the guard, as she finished a scroll he would quickly replace it and carefully give her another, and Luna was eying Travis from across the room. Damn, I was hopping she would whip him or something. She motioned for Travis to come to her and he did as I decided to get with in hearing distance just in case. He stood next to her and I was a few feet off. Was Twilight and the guard closer? Luna and Travis whispered to one another and I couldn't hear anything. Twilight and the guard seem even closer now. I wasn't sure but the two had been getting closer and closer to... Suddenly the scrolls in the air exploded, sending pieces of paper everywhere, and while every one was confused the guard had ran forward and leaped into the air holding a... I moved as fast as I could but it wasn't fast enough, he was already coming down on Luna with a knife but he never got to her. Travis moved into the path of the blade and the guard landed right in front of him with the hilt on Travis chest, right at his heart. I yanked the guard back and pushed him to the ground but he didn't move. When was I holding a knife? When I grabbed him he took the knife with him and I had some how got a hold of it. Now he was laying on the ground with his back to us holding his throat, twitching. I dropped the knife and turned to Travis who was on the ground not looking to good.

“That was a very stupid thing to do.” I said as I knelled down and placed my hand on the wound trying to stop the blood. Twilight came over with fear in her eyes. Luna didn't know what to do she just watched as Travis life flowed between my fingers but soon it slowed down.

“Hey... ah'm ok.” I softly shook my head.

“No you're not idiot.” soon the blood stopped.

“No seriously ah'm fine.” I looked at him and he seemed ok, besides the blood that is. I slowly lifted my hand and underneath there was no longer a wound. We all stared at the spot where the knife and clearly stabbed him but it was gone. I looked back up at him in disbelief. Then I slapped him really hard up side the head.

“Asshole.” I got up and stood there as he tried to get up but Luna stopped him. She didn’t care if the wound was gone she had some other guards come and take him somewhere to lay down while I was fuming. First Celestia ignores me and my best friend nearly dies, pulling a Jesus trick out his ass and acts like he never got stabbed at all. I looked back at the died guard, he wasn't moving any more. Great now we're going to get caught in a middle of a war. I need some chocolate.

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[Voltrasin]

So did Luna get his letter?